Why in the living goddamn am I reviewing Impact?

I seldom watch TNA, I am not ultra familiar with the product. But I am dumb enough to watch it now and try to elicit some fond laughter from you, the idiots that read this garbage ass blog for morons. So here we go.
I missed the opening segment. I don't care.
A Suicide video package... I guess a guy named Suicide shouldn't really be trying to win wrestling matches, should he? Why would he care? He's suicidal yall, he ain't ambitious!
The Sheik yells something, apparently Arabs and Japs have a commonality in hating America. I hate America too. I am with the Sheik. Why does he hate Suicide? Isn't Suicide Mexican or something? What the fuck.
Hey, a wrestling match. Chris Sabin is uglier than Alex Shelley by a LOT. Homicide is 5150 en la kabeza. He has a "gangstafied" briefcase. A Japanese guy hates America! A bearded man politely and daintily applauds the hapless resident of glorious Nippon. Homicide is really good, he does a pretty crazy dive then lands on his feet and runs harmlessly into the wall to act like he too is dead. What race is Homicide anyway? I cannot tell. I will call him Puerto Rican and be done with it for I know no Ricans and I don't want to besides. The ref is bigger than the wrestlers. Homicide wins with a thunderous RKO from the toprope.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SPIKE DUDLEY AND BALLS MAHONEY ARE HERE!
Abyss is talking to Jim Cornette about something when ODB shows up. What the fuck. There's two sorts of people btw: Those who would fuck ODB and LIARSSSSSSSS. An interesting Oliver Wendell Douglas joke concludes this segment. Is there enough booze in the world to help Cornette cope with this crap?
The boringest segment ever is here.
Awesome Kong sure is... a big fat gladiator woman with MMA gloves. Are the Beautiful People the best thing in TNA? I am kind of mad Cheerleader Melissa is under a burka. The Beautiful People cut Kong's extensions and Don West quickly loses interest. So do I. I check my Facebook. Someone challenges me to an 80s movie trivia contest. I concede.
D-Von's forehead rules. Bubba does a promo on tape, then he does one to Lauren. Spike shows up! A water bottle on top of the locker falls over! Balls shows up! Balls does an impersonation of the old priest from Father Ted! Spike and Balls would rather wrestle an indy than be on TNA!
Cody Deaner rules and so does Abyss's music kind of. Daffney, marry me babe. I want to take Daffney in my arms, dip her so low, give her the most passionate kiss. She looks in my eyes, I look in hers. She invites me back to her apartment. I go back to her apartment. We do stuff there. ODB has some really inappropriate mannerisms, man. Matt Morgan, who is STILL not in the WWE for some reason, beats up Abyss.
Mick Foley high fives a random dude then says "YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about! HIGH FIVE!" Fuck you if you don't like Mick Foley.
I am gonna take a shower and miss some of Impact as I did judo tonight and my ass and crotch are probably awash in odor producing bacteria.
I return from my shower to see that Mick Foley has killed Sting and is acting crazy. Awesome.
Beer Money beats up Spike and Balls for soooooooo long. They completely obliterate them a number of times and then finally the Dudley Boys run in and chase away Beer Money. A little late, guys?
But they make up for lost time by being there after the commercial break and are really mad! They are REALLY mad!
Jeff Jarrett apparently needed another man for his team for some crap or whatever and he announces him: The 50 year old guy from the Bowflex commercial who is living his dream via being in a rock band.. That guy and Kurt Angle have a pretty decent little match, I guess, and it ends via double pin. Kurt Angle gets so mad that he calls the referee a "son of a bitch" and the ref makes the best HOW DARE YOU!?!?! face of all time. Then Kurt calls Jim Cornette a "son of a bitch" also albeit it is extremely slurred and spits on Cornette: Once inadvertently, once entirely on purpose. Cornette says the motion stands and Kurt Angle starts to choke the old man as we go to commercial. Hmm.
So.. Okay. I don't know. Jeff Jarrett reviews the tape and in the interest of fairness says that Kurt Angle actually won. Kurt Angle responds by being THE HAPPIEST MAN OF ALL TIME. He is jumping around and hugging Scott Steiner over and over. Suddenly, Samoa Joe's music hits and HE RUNS TO THE RING...
Show ends.
What?
Apparently this was one of the best Impacts in recent memory and that may well be. I've never watched a complete episode. I guess I still haven't but this is the most of any episode I've ever watched. It was.... Hmm. It wasn't horrible! There were a lot of little things that made me laugh which is more than can be said for Raw, at which I only laughed once (which was Santino nervously biting his fist.)
Well, I'll probably watch the pay per view on justin.tv so they convinced me of that much. God bless, yall.