Friday, April 17, 2009
Week Old ROH Recap Bonanza
Ok so I'm not cool enough to have HDNet, but some guy on Youtube has permission to post the ROH on HDNet episodes a few days after they air, which means I will be recapping a weekly show one week late that features wrestling that was recorded like 3 months ago. SO basically this is pointless.
Anyway, you can go here to watch all of this shit if you feel the need to.
Here is your 4/11/2009 Episode recap of ROH ON HDNet
Show opens with our hosts Mike Hogwood and Dave Prazak in the ROH WAR ROOM (i.e. some room with a bunch of TV monitors in it, or they could be in a room with a green screen that's projecting a room with a bunch of TV monitors in it. I don't know). Both men look like creepo pedo touchers but Hogwood looks like your more traditional creepy pedo toucher who keeps polaroids of young boys in Underoos in his tool shed behind the box he keeps his drill bits and screws in ,while Prazak looks more like your modern day creepy pedo toucher complete with Guy Fieri level douchebag facial hair and bad bleache job. I imagine he will get busted one day bringing in his computer for repairs and the curious computer repairman will open up a folder marked DAVES PRIVATE WORK FILES and find 80 gigs of questionably legal pornography and Dave will be like "Lol how did that get there?" and get sent to the pokey.
Our first match is KENNY OMEGA vs. AUSTIN ARIES, but before each match they give the wrasstlers a little pre-recorded promo time. Kenny Omega is up first and he looks like he is mos. def. Gay For Pay. My assumptions are confirmed because on the wrestlers way to the ring, ROH provides you with these little side bar PRO TIPS graphics featuring notable things about each wrestlers and Kenny's PRO TIP is that he's a "Unique Individual" so ROH offices are basically recognizing his lifestyle choices.
Austin Aries is next and I think at one point he was just another boring bland white guy, but now he's going for some kind of cocky gay biker gimmick with silly facial hair and I can respect that. It is better to be a gay biker in the world of wrestling than a boring hairless flippy white guy for sure.
The bell rings and these guys fucking WRESTLE and WRESTLE some more and the crowd is CHANTING and CLAP CLAP CLAPPING and there is no doubt this is motherfucking ROH CLAP CLAP CLAP. This match goes and goes for several thousand minutes and I am not the type to recap all of the MOVES but there were a lot of MOVES and this reminds me of some kind of no name bullshit opening match on an old BATtlarts tape except Aries and Omega's kicks and strikes are those of precious little babies and not at all brutal. Then after a quck game of grabass Austin Aries dropkicks Kenny Omega in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him a brainbuster and it's over, I didn't mind this match that much despite my severe homophobia.
Next up we have a backstage interview with some guy interviewing ROH Champ RANDY THE RAM JERRY LYNN. This is boring as fuck and I only want to see ROH backstage interviews if they involve The Briscoes because those dudes are full of the realest of Real Talk.
Our next match is ERNIE OSIRUS vs. DELIRIOUS. Ernie Osirus is either supposed to be a homelss heroin addict, or Necro Btucher's little brother, I'm not sure. Delirious is a white man who wears a mask, speaks in gibberish and listens to death metal, so it's hard for me to choose who to root for. After a couple of minutes of forgettable wrestle fighting, Delirious Knees Osirus in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him an awkward top rope splash and it's over. who gives a shit?
Backstage with some guy again interviewing Jimmy Jacobs and Brodie Lee. Jimmy Jacobs is either the tiniest normal wrestler ever or the biggest midget wrestler, I can't tell. You would think the dude could maybe lift some weights before appearing on TV or something. THIS IS BORING CLAP CLAP CLAP.
Now we are treated to a ladies match, and I respect ROH for recognizing that internet wrestling fans are afraid of women so they get all of these middle of the road looking girls that don't look like WWE's shoot sluts with hot tits and tons of makeup, but they aren't complete hose beasts that would make you barf in your lap. All of these women look approachable, and by approachable I mean, I could realistically have sex with them if I were to meet them. Anyway, the match is SARA DEL RAY & SASSY STEPHIE (w/ Larry Sweeney) vs. DAIZEE HAZE & NAVAEH. During the pre-match promo Sweeney is openly trying to grope Sassy Stephie and I start a THIS IS AWESOME CLAP CLAP CLAP chant in my bedroom. It figures they fired this dude. assholes. Both Del Ray and Sassy Stephie have visible tramp stamps so I know they fucking party. I don't want to get too far off my important professional recapping duties but I am totally mesmerized by Sara Del Ray. From the waist up she's like this normal perfectly fit woman but she has these gigantic ham thighs that look like they can no doubt crush a man's head DEAD during acts of cunnilingus. I don't know dick about exercising (If I did I wouldn't be blogging about wrestling for sure), but I'd like to know what kind of training regimen you need to be on to have that body. For this alone, Sara Del Ray is my favorite ROH wrestler and I want nothing more than to meet her and shotgun Budweisers with her and trace "I <3 U" on the small of her back with my fingertip.
Ok, Daizee Haze has the body of Olive Oyl and Navaeh is not much to look at in the face but she has a nice rack. Daizee's ring music is some stock reggae shit and that coupled with her stoner ring name and hippie looking outfits, I assume she gets down 4:20 24/7 and has much respeck for jah rastafari BO BO BO MURDAH DEM, so she is dope in my book too.
Anyway, they wrestle and some stuff happens and I honestly forgot who won because I spent the whole time thinking about what I would do on a date with Sara Del Ray.
Now it's time for our MAIN EVENT: JERRY THE RAM LYNN vs. BRODIE LEE. I guess this was recorded before Jerry Lynn was the champ. I am happy to see that Jerry Lynn still comes out to death metal. I was afraid they'd give him some lame Bruce Springsteen song because he's an OLD BROKEN DOWN PIECE A MEAT THAT LIVES IN A TRAILER AND WORKS AT A DELI COUNTER. Brodie Lee is a "trucker", which means he has a beard and wears a wifebeater and jeans, so he looks like 75% of my real life friends who aren't at all truckers. He is a big looking dude, but he is much more impressive looking in CHIKARA where he is literally 7 times larger than everyone else on the roster (except Claudio). These guys have a wrestling match and it's basically like ECW 1999 all over again except instead of Rhino or the one big guy from DA BALDIES, we have Brodie Lee. 1999 was now 10 years ago and Brodie Lee was just a young pup. Lee kills Lynn for a while with his Big Guy offense, and then Lynn pulls out a wack small package and wins. What the fuck? We couldn't even get a Ram Jam? Man, fuck this match.
That's it. Perhaps I will do this again next week. PERHAPS NOT.