Friday, April 24, 2009

Ugh. Impact.


Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

4 comments:

  1. [23:04] mike dikk wst: i hope there is still interest in this blog when taz comes out and hes back to being serious SURVIVE IF I LET YOU taz
    [23:04] mike dikk wst: becaus its gonna be funny when two obviously overweight dudes are supposed to be badases
    [23:04] mike dikk wst: and one is 5' 7"
    [23:05] HELLA like DYING: oh yeah samoan joe was there i forgot to mention that
    [23:05] HELLA like DYING: aj styles is like "bro why you actin shady"
    [23:05] HELLA like DYING: and samoa joe is like "fuck you"
    [23:05] mike dikk wst: hahah yeah i did see that part
    [23:05] HELLA like DYING: that's the b-side
    [23:05] mike dikk wst: and i saw at the end when lashley comes out and kurt angle is like YAH again
    [23:05] mike dikk wst: they cant ever let bobby lashley talk though because he has the wimpiest gay voice
    [23:05] HELLA like DYING: oh lol i guess i missed that
    [23:05] HELLA like DYING: i
    [23:06] HELLA like DYING: i'll put this in the comment as the like EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE

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  2. Soujourner Bolt? Is she a pro-wres chick or a contender for the Kentucky Derby?

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  3. Whys does Jarret always seem 'concerned' as the news people always say when Lashley comes out. It's like WTF you hired him!?

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