Saturday, April 25, 2009

TNA and its Ever Faithful Fanbase

Recently the greatest letter ever written on the subject of fake fighting was posted on Twink Beaner Bryan Alvarez and Jew media mogul Dave Meltzer's web site. It was written by an inbred shit head, which makes sense since it was written about the virtues of TNA. I shall now do my best to dissect this epyllion into small, quivering, shit stained pieces.

Bill Walkowitz on why he likes TNA
(Wow, that's one helluva title right there. Right up there with The Butcher's Wife and The Slugger's Wife and The Astronaut's Wife in terms of removing any and all doubt as to what the subject is.)

I'd like to take a few minutes and respond back to Carl Evan's column. Maybe he can another point of view.
(Maybe he can what? See another point of view? I'm guessing you're going for the word see.)

I'm an old time wrestling fan in his 40's and have been watching since I was age 11 when I saw my first show at the International Ampitheatre in Chicago. Superstar Billy Graham and Dusty Rhodes were a tag team on that show.
(Oh man, that sounds like a kick ass show. By the way, what's an "ampitheatre"?)

I'm one of the customers that the WWE say is never right. I'm always wrong according to the land of McMahons. So since I'm so wrong according to them and the mindset there, I decided they're the ones who are wrong and rarely watch their product, and very rarely buy a PPV or go to one of their shows.
(I see. You are one of their "customers" and you rarely buy their PPVs or go to their shows because they don't see DA BIZ the same way that you do. Fair enough, but if you really feel that way why would you hand them your no doubt hard earned $$$$, even in rare instances? PS- despite your infrequent financial support it would appear that things of going well in "land of McMahons".)

I'm also a guy when I lived in NH was fortunate enough to work for three different indy companies,
(Oh SHIT, son, we got us an insider~!)

doing all the little things that help get a show going(setting up chairs, tables, ring, getting as building, locally promoting shows in commission towns that require a "resident" of the state to have the show put in his name.)
(lol, never mind)

One of them groups was host to a series of WWF training dojo shows,.so I was able to see guys like the Hardys, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle(being managed by Dory Funk jr), and also was very fortunate enough to meet Jim Cornette.
(This particular sentence is awesome, especially the part about you being "very fortunate enough" to meet Corny.)

What label that gives me, I don't know.
(I can name a few: Douche. Tard. Street Team Member. Am I getting warm?)

But first and foremost, I've always been a fan, and I know what drives THIS fan.
(Whatever it is that drives you I can be certain that A: It was made while the first Bush was in office at best and B: at one point or another you fucked a close relative in it. Most likely a cousin, although a sister cannot be ruled out yet.)

For all of Carl's opinions of TNA. TNA gives me more of what drives me as a fan than anything the WWE is doing.
(Uh huh. So basically what drives you, a 40 something self proclaimed old skool fan who met Jim Cornette, is a 6 sided ring, interchangeable indy guys, a wrestler based on a video game character and a roster that is about 30% former WWE employees. Hell yeah. Old skool as FUCK.)

Every promotion's going to have its flaws, name one that don't. But TNA has been the promotion that keeps me being a fan.
(And I'm sure they say an extra special prayer each night, thanking the god of their choosing for giving them such a super awesome fan like you.)

it's drives me to buy their PPV's watch their shows and go way out of my way and get their dvds
(Going out of your way to get a TNA DVD? Damn son, do you not know how to click around on the fucking internet?)

(like the long journey I went thru to get acoup[le recent dvds that were supposed to be at "major retailers now" but weren't and I have a walmart, the largest most major retailer in the world, right in the town I live in).
(I like where this is heading.)

It drove me to my local walmart and bitch and yell and complain about them having the TNA video game, but no DVDs, and now because I created such a fuss, I was able to yesterday purchase the Jeff jarrett 4 disc dvd set.

Watching this and the kurt angle one reminds me why I hate WWE's product so much.
(Why? Because when the WWE employed them they performed in front of actual crowds and not amusement park guests?)

I'm tired of the McMahon family being shoved down my throat, and when they see it's not working, what do they do? They continue to do it anyway.
(Yes, which is precisely the exact same thing Jeff Jarrett did for the first 3 years of TNA's existence.)

I'm not the biggest Jeff Jarrett fan,
(Oh, what's this?)

(here it comes)

I found his dvd set more entertaining and great to watch than anything the WWE has done in over 2 years.
(WWE has sucked a million consecutive dicks for the last two years yet I can rest assured that the worst possible evening of WWE programming is a billion times more entertaining than 99% of what Jeff Jarrett has done in TNA.)

The only recent "WWE" dvd I bought was the one they put out on
World Class Championship Wrestling, anything else they put out now you'd be lucky you could pay me to watch it.
(I do believe if your hillbilly ass somehow tricked someone into paying you to watch wrestling YOU would be the lucky one.)

and if they actually DO something that's good(like letting Steamboat wrestle, which was about the only I liked about Wrestlemania),
(I am sure that for the last several years Steamboat has been BEGGING the McMahon family to just put him in the game. Those heartless fucks made the man BEG for another moment in the sun.)

They put the kabash on it right away, and thrust HHH/Orton in a way everyone
can see isn't working, not getting over and nobody cares about. But because he's married to "daddy's daughter" and daddy's daughter is in charge of creative, it's "let's put the blinders on because we know better than the fans who keep us in business will ever know" mentality.
(Yeah, HHH and Orton was a bag o' shit, no doubt. I'm sure TNA has NEVER had any sort of examples of nepotism. It's not like Dustin Rhodes got a push when his dad was booking. It's not like Jeff Jarrett kept getting main event spots simply because his family started the promotion. Nope, shit like that never happens in the vaunted halls of TNAland. TNA NEVER pushes someone when it clearly isn't working.)

HBK vs Undertaker, good but I've seen better.
(Like what? Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle SHOOT FIGHT~? The fake War Games match? Please enlighten us with what we are missing in TNA.)

I've seen where the simplest things still work, I grew up watching
well put Stan Hansen as a great example, when he came into the AWA he said "forget the NWA, Forget Ric Flair, I want to be AWA champion and Rick Martel, I'm going to be champion". Simple, to the point, bang! you got a reason and a storyline.
(If anything, and I mean anything in TNA were simple, I might actually watch it once in a while ((not really)). This is the same company that brought us such simplistic concepts as the King of the Mountain match, the Monsters Ball match and lest we forget the Hard Ten match. Simpler times, indeed.)

Or "I came here to the World Class Area because there's one world, and there should be one world champion". WWE's own Jerry Lawler said that when he was AWA world champion. again, simple, to the point, and it got over. TNA at least acknowledges there's other organizations out there, recognizes the past achievements of stars. There's alot of little things that TNA does that still drives this fan, this cuatomer who's always wrong according to the WWE.

(Dude, I have the feeling if the WWE booked their shows according to your vision each show would consist of two hours of cowboy gimmicks and heels throwing fireballs and blinding babyfaces. The fact that the world has, you know, changed over the last couple of decades obviously frightens you. What you have failed to consider is that pro wrestling, ESPECIALLY the WWE, tend to run 2-3 years behind current trends.)

Last time I checked the motor city machine guns were aspiring to be one of the best IWGP jr. tag champs ever. I don't know what Carl's looking at but I can see them putting those Japanese titles over on tv. Think Vince McMahon would ever do that now? nope. He's had the chance, did do that and flopped every time. he had the golden eggs of the NWA thing...flopped it, old ECW invasion...flopped it...WCW invasion...flopped it. At least TNA has taken some to build things up, WWE flopps at that too. hell the only group to get the old ECW invasion done right was Memphis, and who was the owner at the time? Lawler and Jerry Jarrett. So there's your "developed Explanation", Carl.
(At the time they were used, all three of the promotions you mentioned in the WWE's long list of inter-promotional failures were far more relevant than the IWGP titles. Even ECW.)

I was thrilled to see Gail Kim and Christian in TNA, it gave them two a chance to shine where they weren't before and in Gail Kim's situation, lost in the shuffle(again) in WWE). Christian on the WWE's "C" show isn't doing the numbers that he was doing when he was in TNA.
(Oh man, I hope this leads to him exposing his azn fetish. It's also awesome that TNA fans hang their hat on the fact that iMPACT! beats "the WWE's 'C' show". It is not that different from bragging about beating up the kid with cerebral palsy. Yeah, you won, but what have you accomplished? Also, Christian was just on Wrestlemania. I am willing to bet that 90% of TNA's roster would eat a steaming bowl of Mick Foley's shit to switch places with Christian.)

I think AJ Styles needs to go to promo school,
(Apparently super ultra mega #1 TNA fan has never seen THIS~!)

There's one of the things that drives this fan. I mjaynot like the way they repackaged Sama Joe, but I'm a great fan of what he can do in the ring, again, that is what drives this fan. Ring of HonorWithout Gabe is like Pizza without cheese and his absence is so noticeable.
(Wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Am I being worked?)

Funny Carl, you say the TNA ring work has desensitized fans to complicated ring work? pppps.. it hasn't with me so you should've said "some fans", or "Most fans", your generalizing when you really don't know what all fans think, kills your credibility.

TNA has one glaring flaw that won't go away, and that's Vince Russo.

For every time someone has tried to conmvince me he's a "genius" that he claims to be, I've been able to give validation to what beasily is nothing but a guy who've overhyped and hasn't created one thing that has put asses in seats.
(The spelling and grammatical errors should have been obvious. How did I fall for this?)

Anything he's done has flopped but because he's Jeff's buddy, he can continue to milk the company out of a paycheck he doesn't deserve to get.
(... wait a sec, maybe this is legit)

I'm not a fan of Foley having the title but it's tons better than Russo holding it, think about it.
(lol, if all Foley ever did in TNA was walk into the iMPACT! Center and take a shit in the ring while raping Don West he would be a million times more credible than any champ TNA has ever had.)

"Nothing about TNA tells me there are qualified wrestling veterans who can aptly book a good show". Is that so? Well I guess you're wrong again cause they're damn qualified enough to book a show that keeps this long time fan interested.
(You know, he has yet to name any one specific thing he likes about TNA.)

let's see YOU book a show that's perfect from top to bottom with no flaws whatsoever, and see how you react when people crap on it.
(Uh, DUH. If I were booking a show it would be fucking awesome so FUCK YOU. If people hated it I would make myself an on air character and call them names on TV. Your old skool sensible show would be 2 hours of Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test.)

before you say something like "well, what about you"? I have, and I did. as a birthday gift, one of the groups I worked for let me, and it went over well,
(Guys, this is Bill Walkowitz. His dream has always been to run a wrestling show. Tonight we are going to make his dream come true. Now all we need from him is his check for $3500 and for him to finish setting up the ring.)

what worked? simplest little things and because of one thing I did it elevated a guy to the next level and he was able to work on that to this very day, he works indys all over the northeast now, so you're wrong in that quote.
(I am hella sure that this nameless indy fag sits around each night, thanking his lucky stars that some fucking mark helped ELEVATE HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF INDY WRESTLING. Which is... more indy wrestling.)

I'd rather see Babe Ruth retired than anything WWE is doing.
(I don't even know what this means)

I'll watch reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter before I watch anything WWE has on.
(On this, we agree. Dog is the best racist dude with a TV show since, I dunno, Regis Philbin.)

I get WGN and could watch the new superstars show, why? I liked the old Superstars show they used to have in the 80's. Nothing new or exciting is going to come from there.
(New and exciting things rarely happened on the original Superstars tapings.)

I'm sure Mr. Cornette and I could classify a hundred bad indy groups, anything WWE does,and...your opinion as crap..
(Yes, you and your colleague Mr. Cornette)

because this is one old time fan McMahon lost out on,
(Again, his loss I'm sure.)

that TNA and the way they present their show for the most part, has got, and
will keep.
(For reasons you have yet to make clear)

They are the ones that can drive this fan moreso than anybody else anywhere and that includes MMA.
(lol, gotta get in a jab at that new fangled MMA thing.)

So open your mouth, insert the foot, because, in the case of me, your opinion is dead wrong. I hope you can live with that..
(I'm sure the other douche who wrote a douche letter to another douche that was posted on a douche web site about a fake sport is texting his best friends his physical address as we speak.)

Bill Walkowitz
Portage, Wisconsin

There you have it, friends. The greatest pro wres letter ever written. I am a better person for having read this shit, and now, so are you. You are welcome.



  1. I find it interesting that the official writing style for editorials is to make a point and then spend the rest of the article never saying anything more than slightly tangentially related to the point, because if you were actually forced to try and support it, you'd be reduced to tears at the realization of how mind-bogglingly stupid you were for making it in the first place.