Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Buddy Rose: YOU GOT SERVED (By Diabeetus)

A wrestler by the name of Buddy Rose died yesterday. I don't know much about the guy except for the clip above which I remember seeing on Saturday Night's Main Event when I was a tiny fat child. According to the internet, Rose was probably 56 and he probably died by the cruel hand of Diabeetus. Thoughts AND prayers to Buddy Rose, some fat guy jobber from the WWF who will be remembered more fondly by old creepo touchers who actually watch wrestling from back before VCR's were invented. Stay Black Mr. Rose. You will live in my memories for at least the next 4 minutes.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

ECW: The 8 person fed.

I am back for this 4/28 episode of ECW. It's hot, my shins hurt and my stomach feels like it's full of hammers. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be spending time with a babe on a rooftop somewhere. So lonely.

ECW starts with Christian the NEW ECDub champ coming out to talk about some things! Then he is interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who is....wearing a dress suit!!! Hahaha, does Tommy Dreamer always wear dress suits now? It's so weird to see him out of his usual black t shirt and swish pants. Hey, remember those two months where they gave Tommy Dreamer that gimmick where he would eat weird stuff? That was such a good gimmick!
So yeah Tommy Dreamer is like "I am retiring in 6 weeks and I want to win the ECDub title one more time" and I bet Andrew is real sad about this because Tommy Dreamer is his favorite wrestler. THEN, Tommy starts shoot cwying wike a wittle fucken babby about NYC and MSG and The HISTORY (oh this is taking place in MSG) and then Christins like "Ok dude stop being bitch about this. I will give you a title match here TONIGHT in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

THEN Jack Motherfucking Swagger comes out with his Biggie Smalls eyes all like ITS ALL GOOD BABAY BABAY! and he's like NO ONE CAN GET A TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME, but then Bad Actress Tifany comes OUT (SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT HO LY SHIT! HO LY SHIT!) and she's like FUCK THAT TOMMY DREAMER AND CHRISTIAN ARE HAVING A MATCH TONIGHT.

So then I do something unprecedented and I go make a sandwich. I like to put potato chips on my sandwiches. Does that make me a fat kid? The answer is "probably"!

I'm back and FInlay is fighting the Merkin dude Tyson Kidd, who is maybe the gayest looking wrestler on all of TV. he even wears pink booty shorts. This was a pretty good match from what I saw, as there were MOVES and PSYCHOLOGIES and SELLING, The best part was Finaly actually doing a vintage AKI-MAN reversal by spinning on the top of his head to get out of a leg lock! E C DUB E C DUB! Then Tyson gets the dastardly win by hitting FInlays fucked up knee with a Shilalaleigh (sp) BEHIND THE REFS BACK.

After commercial, KOZLOV comes out to the Ramp and he's dressed like M.Bison. There is no real explanation for this. He comes out and says some shit in russian about World Domination and bounces. It was literally 30 seconds. I hope this is leading to a whole Street Fighter crew of wrestlers.

They show Matt Striker and the other guy at the announce table and those dudes sit REAAALLLL close to each other. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They introduce a new member of the ECDub announce team, GREG SHANE HELMS! Haha, I guess it's better than being fired. Helms is interviewing Evan Bourne and then Paul Burchill come sout to interrupt him because they have to make sure all 8 ECDub wrestlers appear on every show I guess. Man Burchill's sister is doable.

Wow, it's already time for the MAIN EVENT which is still unfortunately Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy is wearing some kind of really weird tye dye zebra print shiny swish pants and I don't know if this is a normal thing for him just like the dress suits. He looks like an asshole for sure. I try not to watch Tommy Dreamer matches because he's the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling, so I close my eyes and lay face down for a while, just listening to the announcers call the match like in the olden days when young pups would listen to the wrestling matches on the ol' transistor radio. Unfortunately, this match is long and I'm about to fall asleep so I have to sit up and actually watch this shit. Honestly from what I saw, it wasn't that bad for a Tommy Dreamer match that didn't include garbage cans and ladders. After a while it looks like Tommy Dreamer is gonna beat Christian (haha yeah ok) and Jack Swagger comes in and FUCKS EVERYONE UP. DQ THE END.

I will be much more excited about watching ECW in 6 weeks when Tommy Dreamer can never be on it again.

Reid Flair Busted for Heroin. Fucking HEROIN!

This just in: Wrestlers are horrible, horrible parents.

Holy shit, is there some new Observer award for Biggest Fuckup Wrestling Child that Herbert Meltzer is keeping on the down low?

Reid Flair (shootname: Fleihrr or some shit), not to be outdone by The Hulkster's vapid, embarrassing spawn, turned that shit up to 11 by being ON SMACK. I mean fuck, it was some stiff competition. Nick Hogan turned a war veteran into a vegetable with a moon crater on his forehead, Hogan's other son is a tranny, but surely there had to be some intermediary step that could have outdone Hulk's kids' transgressions without going all the way into Artie Lange territory. God damn, Reid, baby steps, dude. Nobody in fake fighting goes all the way to The H. Word is Ted DiBiase Jr. is busy studying Mein Kampf to try to figure out how to top this shit.

While Reid's drug of choice is a surprise (seriously, heroin? There were no other options? Christ, Dean Malenko is surely tight with your dad and he was hooking up Benoit on the daily), it's no shock how this all turned out. I don't even want to think about how this dude grew up. Seriously, what the fuck is going on here:

I don't know who is who's mom in this picture, who the girlfriends are, maybe daughters, all 3? Dad is right there, all sweaty, clearly fucked up, and FUCK LOOK AT THAT EYE. Man oh man, this is just one night of this kid's existence, picked at random, and it's already some fucked up shit. Did they swing together an hour after this shot was taken? I bet Reid is so fucked up in this pic that he's wondering which of these three old ladies he's going to fuck first. Man, the shit Reid must have seen growing up. Fuck drugs, I want to know what the crawl space under Reid's house looks like. He probably has a Vietnamese transient's head in his freezer.

6-3-94 will update this story with any pertinent details. We hear that Reid has been taken into custody and may have already joined the Aryan Nation for protection in prison. Prison officials are anticipating some five star shivvings and anal rape all night long.

Raw O'Clock

What the hell, it's Raw O'Clock!
Sooooooooooo uhhh Vickie Guerrero is out to be shrill and introduce Randy Orton. Randy Orton is out to remind us he is evil and has killed every single McMahon except Linda and the babies. Hopefully they're next. Then he is like "Every wrestler on Raw answers to ME!" and MVP comes out and is all "Oh no you didn't!" and then they're going to wrestle later on tonight. So MVP is the new King Jobber, I guess.
Speaking of jobbers, The Brian Kendrick (who calls Lillian Garcia "dollface" which is the best condescending thing to say to women) loses to Bombaclad Stylee Kingston James. I don't even know why this match happened. Then Vickie breaks Big Show's gigantic heart by telling him they must keep it strictly professional. Sorry big guy, I feel for you.
Let's see, what the fuck is next. I think this was Santina's team of Santina and some hoes vs an awesome team of both Beth Phoenix AND Maryse. Mike Dikk is hating on me right now cuz I saw Maryse be weird. There was some antics in this match and the twin chicks are friends again. I don't know how that happened but it's okay. The twin chicks are like hot girl Hornswoggles or something, I've never really seen them do their schtick before. Also the real Hornswoggle was in this. And Santina won with a roll up, further cementing her as the most dominant female wrestler of all time. I hope they bring in Aja Kong to job to Santina. Why have I written so much about this.
A butthurt and greasy Matt Hardy is out, doing a promo about how he broke his metacarpal last night in his crapass garbage match for trash idiots that he had last night. Matt Hardy was sounding like he was going to cry which I hope is a permanent new gimmick. Then Goldust came out who is, apparently, still under WWE contract. Matt Hardy runs around, then hits Goldust with the brutal force of a broken limb. There was that. Who even knows.
Montel Vontavius Porter the highest paid free agent in the WWE making more money than even John Cena wrestled against the Sinister Randy Orton. This was a pretty good match actually, I thought MVP was gonna get just shat on but he hung in there and never even really lost because Shane McMahon ran in and was just having a great old time swinging a kendo stick around. Then he ran away through the audience and was all like YO HERE I AM and then his music played so I guess he won the match.
Thanks to the Veer Union.
I don't think I missed anything but I feel like there was something before THE MIZ segment but who cares because the Miz segment was so awesome. The Miz was saying "Hey yall I am new here and I want to beat John Cena!" so then he won by forfeit because John Cena was killed last night. Then he yelled at Lillian Garcia, which made it 2 for 2 abusive Lillian Garcia segments tonight. A hell of a show. Later, we learned that John Cena WAS there so he was actually just scared as hell of the Miz.
The Colon Bros who are now the default best bro tag team in the WWE wrestled Jamie Noble who is doing a like 155 pound UFC guy gimmick and Chavo Guerrero. Chavo and Jamie Noble didn't win this match but I certainly did enjoy it. I used to think Carlito was so lousy but I guess I was wrong because he's kind of awesome. I am man enough to admit that.
So then the main event was Batista vs. the Big Show and this was the worst thing on the show because both guys need to wrestle someone they can really just impressively throw around and neither of these guys can throw around the other. I started paying a lot of attention to my fishtank during this match, and that shit is awesome. This one fish has a cave and he doesn't want anything going near that cave. I'm gonna make like 5 more caves and really twist his melon. So anyway whatever, John Cena came out and just stared at the Big Show mean as hell. Big Show got counted out because of that and everyone was like OH SHIT.
This wasn't a bad episode of Raw at all, really. I like when midcard guys start to get pushed a lot just because usually they do something kind of awesome at some point on the ascent so I am hoping the Miz, like, hits John Cena with a car. Thank you all for reading this, my friends! :)

Monday, April 27, 2009


A: Hi everyone it's old Mike and Andrew again to say whatever the hell about this wrestling show that we just saw. We're best friends!!!!


A: Jack Swagger looks a lot like Jake Busey if Jake Busey looked a little less like Gary Busey. He is about 10 feet tall and absolutely awesome. He is a guy with a LEGITIMATE AMATEUR BACKGROUND and he does stuff like the rolling germans except it's actually just the rolling amateur wrestling takedown and stuff. He's the best. Christian is a tiny little Canadian who Vince McMahon apparently hates. This was a dandy little match but I don't remember much about it because it was like 4 hours ago. I do remember Jack Swagger trying to do the like Vader splash maneuver but from the top rope so really it was just a top rope splash but facing the wrong way. Also the finish was Christian cheating in a smart way as opposed to Jack Swagger's dumb cheating, and so we learn that cheating is cool if you're smart about it which everyone already knew anyway. After the match, Christian sees Edge and is like "What's up bro you used to be about the MUSIC" and Edge is like "Fuck you bro."

M: This was the best match just because Jack Swagger is an awesome ass dude anr probably needs to get off of bullshit ECW by tomorrow. ECW is for scrubs, Jack Swagger is the real deal. So what if homeboy has a lisp. Dusty Rhodes talked like a black retard and he is one of the most popular dudes of all time. I wanted to see Swagger win this shit just because Christian was being such a bitch to him on that EC DUB episode I wached but whatever. I'm sure he will be on RAW soon enough. Also the shit with Edge and Christian was pretty cool because it probably made the SMART MARKS at home finally pee their pants with happiness that they acknowledged that Edge and Christian were tight bros but now Edge is like "n word please".


A: I honestly don't remember too much about this. This was like the wrestling match for guys who want to see two dudes wrestle who are both really good but one is old and one is Canadian and neither does anything amazing. So they wrestled back and forth in like an amazing display of technical knowhow or whatever and then Jericho gave Steamboat the Walls of Boston Crab and he tapped out and that is the end of Steamboat's feel good nostalgia run, I think.

M: I think I should have liked this match because it was like WORKRATE and Ricky Steamboat was so pumped to be wrestling again that he dyed his hair even though we've seen him for the last month with some grey hair but he wanted to shine. I thought he may have legit died but he made it through. The whole time I imagined that Dynamite Kid was at home yelling at the TV like FUCK YOU STEAMBOAT YOU BLOODY WANKA THAT SHOULDA BEEN ME. CURSE THIS BLOODY WHEELCHAIR. Actually that probably didn't happen because Dynamite most likely doesn't watch THE PRODUCT anymore and is most likely too poor to afford a TV, no less cable. All eating discarded meat pies from the local futbol stadium for dinner. SCRUB.


A: CM Punk kept attacking Kane's arm and then Kane beat CM Punk and there it was. During the AIM chat for this, all of these fucking mark ass idiots were saying "Oh now CM Punk will cash in his money in the bank!" as though that makes any fucking sense. Dude was beating fucking insensate by Kane, the most dominant and ruthless force in the WWE. He's in no goddamn condition to wrestle for the STRAP. CM Punk's brain isn't addled by wait what the fuck why am I listening to Dishwalla right now. Tell me all your thoughts on god. Okay so anyway I just think it would make more sense for CM Punk to cash in money in the bank after a glorious victory, not after he got straight bitched. Fuck yall.

M: Man, why are they making CM Punk a bitch? He just won the big Money in the Bank! For the record, I was saying how they would do like Wrestlemania X where Bret Hart lost to Owen but came back to win the belt in the main event, but either way it's pretty hilarious that Kane won a match. Also, I'm sure every single goober on the internet that spends 27 hours a day fantasy booking CM Punks next RISE TO THE TOP probably just shit themselves and had a brain aneurysm and I can't wait to read the pussyaching tomorrow because that's how horribly depressing and useless my life is right now.


A: My feed died for a lot of this match so maybe something crazy happened but if it did I didn't see it. What I saw was them doing a bunch of submission moves to each other, then the stream died, then Matt was all tied to a table somehow and was saying like "No Jeff I love you! Daddy wouldn't want you to do this!" and he quit like a little bitch baby and then Jeff jumped on him anyway. I suppose this ends their feud and it means Jeff will re-sign with WWE so blah blah goth chicks joke.

M: This was the worst I Quit match I have ever seen. Dudes were doing like leg holds and shit to make each other quit. Then Jeff tried to Swanton Bomb Matt to death. Then when they finally get to the realness, Jeff pulls out the most pussy ladder ever. It was like a 6 foot ladder, and Matt's being a bitch about it. I hate Matt Hardy now, but I still hate Jeff even more for wearing JNCO's and I hate both of them DOUBLE for this wack ass match.


A: The Great Khali comes out to his like Punjabi MC theme song and his little dude with the sideburns is like "Great Khali wants to fuck some hoes tonight yall!" and so Santina comes out because that is one fine slut. She says she cannot kiss Great Khali because she is in love with Jim Ross and Jim Ross gets shoot upset while all the announcers get work amused. Great Khali understands because he is an honorable man but then Beth Phoenix comes out and throws salt in JR's game and the Great Khali bops her on the head, not unlike Little Bunny Foo Foo doing so the little field mice. No one turns Great Khali into a goon though. Then Santina pins Beth Phoenix and then Great Khali sexually assaults Santina so that we see her tits.

M: I have nothing ot add to this except for the part where Santina said he was in a relationship with JR, he was Shoot disgusted because he is a shoot homophobe. I bet Vince Mcmahon was laughing in his earpiece the whole time like I OWN YOU JR AND I OWN SANTINO I WILL MAKE HIM FUCK YOU IN THE ASS IN FRONT OF STEVE WILLIAMS AND THE ENTIRE OKLAHOMA SOONERS FOOTBALL TEAM IF I FEEL LIKE IT HAHAHAH SLACKFACED BITCH!!


A: This match was really long and it was fine, I guess, but I don't remember too many things that happened in it. At the end, Batista was going to hit one of the chump guys with a chair and Triple H was like "NO!" for some reason. Maybe there was some DQ stipulation in this match, I literally don't know. Anyway, while this was happening, Randy Orton viperously vipered the living fuck out of Triple H with the RKO and the kick to the head and then they had to strap Triple H to a spinal immobilization board. Apparently the kick killed Triple H more than it's killed anyone else ever because he got such attentive medical care. Also the fans started singing NA NA NA, NA NA NA, HEY HEY GOODBYE at Triple H which ruled.

M: Batista wears the tiniest wrestling underwear. I bet he has to tuck his cock in between his legs just to get into those things. I'd imagine Batista is at least bi-curious. He has a navel ring and a belly button tattoo and wears the tiniest of shiny underpants. Plus he looked for real heartbroken when Orton kicked HHH's head off. I think they are ***Secret Lovers***. Oh, and the bell ringer rang the bell too early and I imagine has already been future endeavored. Peace out Bell Guy.


A: This match was really awesome and some cool stuff happened but the best part was that John Cena and Edge were standing on the announcer's table and FU'd Edge into the fans and one fan was just lying on the ground next to Edge the entire time they were counting him down so I think he probably legit got his neck broken. That was hilarious. Anyway at the end, they are fighting on the ramp and the Big Show comes out and chokeslams John Cena through the spotlight and he was dead and on fire and that was the end. So every title changed hands which was cool.

M: This was A MATCH, and I guess was better than the Jack Swagger match just because of the part Andrew mentioned where they really broke a fans neck but I'm sure he's pumped because he's going ot be rich forever. Though he is an idiot wrestling fan, so I bet they could bribe him with a years worth of Smackdown tickets and an autographed pic of Melina and everything will be cool. Also, there was another part where Cena threw a bunch of steps into Edges face, which was pretty good. I HAVE NO JOKES I'M SORRY.


A: I don't really have anything funny to say about this show because it was almost entirely good and unlike TNA I know who all the wrestlers are so I can't get anyones names wrong comically. It was definitely worth seeing such a fine wrestling program for free as I did.

M: This was a great PPV and if you say otherwise, you think way too hard about wrestling and need to take a fucking chill pill or the whole bottle. A thing that sucked was that there was no Maryse match and I thought there would be for some reason. Snarky hip commentaries on wrestling only work when the shit sucks, so suck a fuck.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

TNA and its Ever Faithful Fanbase

Recently the greatest letter ever written on the subject of fake fighting was posted on Twink Beaner Bryan Alvarez and Jew media mogul Dave Meltzer's web site. It was written by an inbred shit head, which makes sense since it was written about the virtues of TNA. I shall now do my best to dissect this epyllion into small, quivering, shit stained pieces.

Bill Walkowitz on why he likes TNA
(Wow, that's one helluva title right there. Right up there with The Butcher's Wife and The Slugger's Wife and The Astronaut's Wife in terms of removing any and all doubt as to what the subject is.)

I'd like to take a few minutes and respond back to Carl Evan's column. Maybe he can another point of view.
(Maybe he can what? See another point of view? I'm guessing you're going for the word see.)

I'm an old time wrestling fan in his 40's and have been watching since I was age 11 when I saw my first show at the International Ampitheatre in Chicago. Superstar Billy Graham and Dusty Rhodes were a tag team on that show.
(Oh man, that sounds like a kick ass show. By the way, what's an "ampitheatre"?)

I'm one of the customers that the WWE say is never right. I'm always wrong according to the land of McMahons. So since I'm so wrong according to them and the mindset there, I decided they're the ones who are wrong and rarely watch their product, and very rarely buy a PPV or go to one of their shows.
(I see. You are one of their "customers" and you rarely buy their PPVs or go to their shows because they don't see DA BIZ the same way that you do. Fair enough, but if you really feel that way why would you hand them your no doubt hard earned $$$$, even in rare instances? PS- despite your infrequent financial support it would appear that things of going well in "land of McMahons".)

I'm also a guy when I lived in NH was fortunate enough to work for three different indy companies,
(Oh SHIT, son, we got us an insider~!)

doing all the little things that help get a show going(setting up chairs, tables, ring, getting as building, locally promoting shows in commission towns that require a "resident" of the state to have the show put in his name.)
(lol, never mind)

One of them groups was host to a series of WWF training dojo shows,.so I was able to see guys like the Hardys, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle(being managed by Dory Funk jr), and also was very fortunate enough to meet Jim Cornette.
(This particular sentence is awesome, especially the part about you being "very fortunate enough" to meet Corny.)

What label that gives me, I don't know.
(I can name a few: Douche. Tard. Street Team Member. Am I getting warm?)

But first and foremost, I've always been a fan, and I know what drives THIS fan.
(Whatever it is that drives you I can be certain that A: It was made while the first Bush was in office at best and B: at one point or another you fucked a close relative in it. Most likely a cousin, although a sister cannot be ruled out yet.)

For all of Carl's opinions of TNA. TNA gives me more of what drives me as a fan than anything the WWE is doing.
(Uh huh. So basically what drives you, a 40 something self proclaimed old skool fan who met Jim Cornette, is a 6 sided ring, interchangeable indy guys, a wrestler based on a video game character and a roster that is about 30% former WWE employees. Hell yeah. Old skool as FUCK.)

Every promotion's going to have its flaws, name one that don't. But TNA has been the promotion that keeps me being a fan.
(And I'm sure they say an extra special prayer each night, thanking the god of their choosing for giving them such a super awesome fan like you.)

it's drives me to buy their PPV's watch their shows and go way out of my way and get their dvds
(Going out of your way to get a TNA DVD? Damn son, do you not know how to click around on the fucking internet?)

(like the long journey I went thru to get acoup[le recent dvds that were supposed to be at "major retailers now" but weren't and I have a walmart, the largest most major retailer in the world, right in the town I live in).
(I like where this is heading.)

It drove me to my local walmart and bitch and yell and complain about them having the TNA video game, but no DVDs, and now because I created such a fuss, I was able to yesterday purchase the Jeff jarrett 4 disc dvd set.

Watching this and the kurt angle one reminds me why I hate WWE's product so much.
(Why? Because when the WWE employed them they performed in front of actual crowds and not amusement park guests?)

I'm tired of the McMahon family being shoved down my throat, and when they see it's not working, what do they do? They continue to do it anyway.
(Yes, which is precisely the exact same thing Jeff Jarrett did for the first 3 years of TNA's existence.)

I'm not the biggest Jeff Jarrett fan,
(Oh, what's this?)

(here it comes)

I found his dvd set more entertaining and great to watch than anything the WWE has done in over 2 years.
(WWE has sucked a million consecutive dicks for the last two years yet I can rest assured that the worst possible evening of WWE programming is a billion times more entertaining than 99% of what Jeff Jarrett has done in TNA.)

The only recent "WWE" dvd I bought was the one they put out on
World Class Championship Wrestling, anything else they put out now you'd be lucky you could pay me to watch it.
(I do believe if your hillbilly ass somehow tricked someone into paying you to watch wrestling YOU would be the lucky one.)

and if they actually DO something that's good(like letting Steamboat wrestle, which was about the only I liked about Wrestlemania),
(I am sure that for the last several years Steamboat has been BEGGING the McMahon family to just put him in the game. Those heartless fucks made the man BEG for another moment in the sun.)

They put the kabash on it right away, and thrust HHH/Orton in a way everyone
can see isn't working, not getting over and nobody cares about. But because he's married to "daddy's daughter" and daddy's daughter is in charge of creative, it's "let's put the blinders on because we know better than the fans who keep us in business will ever know" mentality.
(Yeah, HHH and Orton was a bag o' shit, no doubt. I'm sure TNA has NEVER had any sort of examples of nepotism. It's not like Dustin Rhodes got a push when his dad was booking. It's not like Jeff Jarrett kept getting main event spots simply because his family started the promotion. Nope, shit like that never happens in the vaunted halls of TNAland. TNA NEVER pushes someone when it clearly isn't working.)

HBK vs Undertaker, good but I've seen better.
(Like what? Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle SHOOT FIGHT~? The fake War Games match? Please enlighten us with what we are missing in TNA.)

I've seen where the simplest things still work, I grew up watching
well put Stan Hansen as a great example, when he came into the AWA he said "forget the NWA, Forget Ric Flair, I want to be AWA champion and Rick Martel, I'm going to be champion". Simple, to the point, bang! you got a reason and a storyline.
(If anything, and I mean anything in TNA were simple, I might actually watch it once in a while ((not really)). This is the same company that brought us such simplistic concepts as the King of the Mountain match, the Monsters Ball match and lest we forget the Hard Ten match. Simpler times, indeed.)

Or "I came here to the World Class Area because there's one world, and there should be one world champion". WWE's own Jerry Lawler said that when he was AWA world champion. again, simple, to the point, and it got over. TNA at least acknowledges there's other organizations out there, recognizes the past achievements of stars. There's alot of little things that TNA does that still drives this fan, this cuatomer who's always wrong according to the WWE.

(Dude, I have the feeling if the WWE booked their shows according to your vision each show would consist of two hours of cowboy gimmicks and heels throwing fireballs and blinding babyfaces. The fact that the world has, you know, changed over the last couple of decades obviously frightens you. What you have failed to consider is that pro wrestling, ESPECIALLY the WWE, tend to run 2-3 years behind current trends.)

Last time I checked the motor city machine guns were aspiring to be one of the best IWGP jr. tag champs ever. I don't know what Carl's looking at but I can see them putting those Japanese titles over on tv. Think Vince McMahon would ever do that now? nope. He's had the chance, did do that and flopped every time. he had the golden eggs of the NWA thing...flopped it, old ECW invasion...flopped it...WCW invasion...flopped it. At least TNA has taken some to build things up, WWE flopps at that too. hell the only group to get the old ECW invasion done right was Memphis, and who was the owner at the time? Lawler and Jerry Jarrett. So there's your "developed Explanation", Carl.
(At the time they were used, all three of the promotions you mentioned in the WWE's long list of inter-promotional failures were far more relevant than the IWGP titles. Even ECW.)

I was thrilled to see Gail Kim and Christian in TNA, it gave them two a chance to shine where they weren't before and in Gail Kim's situation, lost in the shuffle(again) in WWE). Christian on the WWE's "C" show isn't doing the numbers that he was doing when he was in TNA.
(Oh man, I hope this leads to him exposing his azn fetish. It's also awesome that TNA fans hang their hat on the fact that iMPACT! beats "the WWE's 'C' show". It is not that different from bragging about beating up the kid with cerebral palsy. Yeah, you won, but what have you accomplished? Also, Christian was just on Wrestlemania. I am willing to bet that 90% of TNA's roster would eat a steaming bowl of Mick Foley's shit to switch places with Christian.)

I think AJ Styles needs to go to promo school,
(Apparently super ultra mega #1 TNA fan has never seen THIS~!)

There's one of the things that drives this fan. I mjaynot like the way they repackaged Sama Joe, but I'm a great fan of what he can do in the ring, again, that is what drives this fan. Ring of HonorWithout Gabe is like Pizza without cheese and his absence is so noticeable.
(Wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Am I being worked?)

Funny Carl, you say the TNA ring work has desensitized fans to complicated ring work? pppps.. it hasn't with me so you should've said "some fans", or "Most fans", your generalizing when you really don't know what all fans think, kills your credibility.

TNA has one glaring flaw that won't go away, and that's Vince Russo.

For every time someone has tried to conmvince me he's a "genius" that he claims to be, I've been able to give validation to what beasily is nothing but a guy who've overhyped and hasn't created one thing that has put asses in seats.
(The spelling and grammatical errors should have been obvious. How did I fall for this?)

Anything he's done has flopped but because he's Jeff's buddy, he can continue to milk the company out of a paycheck he doesn't deserve to get.
(... wait a sec, maybe this is legit)

I'm not a fan of Foley having the title but it's tons better than Russo holding it, think about it.
(lol, if all Foley ever did in TNA was walk into the iMPACT! Center and take a shit in the ring while raping Don West he would be a million times more credible than any champ TNA has ever had.)

"Nothing about TNA tells me there are qualified wrestling veterans who can aptly book a good show". Is that so? Well I guess you're wrong again cause they're damn qualified enough to book a show that keeps this long time fan interested.
(You know, he has yet to name any one specific thing he likes about TNA.)

let's see YOU book a show that's perfect from top to bottom with no flaws whatsoever, and see how you react when people crap on it.
(Uh, DUH. If I were booking a show it would be fucking awesome so FUCK YOU. If people hated it I would make myself an on air character and call them names on TV. Your old skool sensible show would be 2 hours of Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test.)

before you say something like "well, what about you"? I have, and I did. as a birthday gift, one of the groups I worked for let me, and it went over well,
(Guys, this is Bill Walkowitz. His dream has always been to run a wrestling show. Tonight we are going to make his dream come true. Now all we need from him is his check for $3500 and for him to finish setting up the ring.)

what worked? simplest little things and because of one thing I did it elevated a guy to the next level and he was able to work on that to this very day, he works indys all over the northeast now, so you're wrong in that quote.
(I am hella sure that this nameless indy fag sits around each night, thanking his lucky stars that some fucking mark helped ELEVATE HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF INDY WRESTLING. Which is... more indy wrestling.)

I'd rather see Babe Ruth retired than anything WWE is doing.
(I don't even know what this means)

I'll watch reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter before I watch anything WWE has on.
(On this, we agree. Dog is the best racist dude with a TV show since, I dunno, Regis Philbin.)

I get WGN and could watch the new superstars show, why? I liked the old Superstars show they used to have in the 80's. Nothing new or exciting is going to come from there.
(New and exciting things rarely happened on the original Superstars tapings.)

I'm sure Mr. Cornette and I could classify a hundred bad indy groups, anything WWE does,and...your opinion as crap..
(Yes, you and your colleague Mr. Cornette)

because this is one old time fan McMahon lost out on,
(Again, his loss I'm sure.)

that TNA and the way they present their show for the most part, has got, and
will keep.
(For reasons you have yet to make clear)

They are the ones that can drive this fan moreso than anybody else anywhere and that includes MMA.
(lol, gotta get in a jab at that new fangled MMA thing.)

So open your mouth, insert the foot, because, in the case of me, your opinion is dead wrong. I hope you can live with that..
(I'm sure the other douche who wrote a douche letter to another douche that was posted on a douche web site about a fake sport is texting his best friends his physical address as we speak.)

Bill Walkowitz
Portage, Wisconsin

There you have it, friends. The greatest pro wres letter ever written. I am a better person for having read this shit, and now, so are you. You are welcome.


Friday, April 24, 2009

I HATE MY LIFE: A Smackdown Review

Well, I have never watched an episode of Smackdown since it got moved to Friday nights however long ago because there is nothing sadder than sitting at home alone on a Friday night and watching wrestling. Actually there is: sitting at home alone on a Friday night and watching wrestling THEN immediately blogging about it!
You see, this is not my normal routine. It just so happened the world needed a blog about wrestling at the same exact time I became temporarily exiled from society and had to sit home by myself on Friday nights due to unmentionable circumstances. So I promise you,, you will get one, MAYBE two of these Smackdown posts out of me and then never fucking again or I swear to god I will slit my wrists. If any loser wants to write about Smackdwon on Friday nights for this world famous blog, please e-mail the address in the upper right hand corner and be funny.

So ok, first I have to find out what channel Smackdown is even on. It turns out Smackdown is on WWOR TV Channel 9! Former home to Richard Bey, Howard Stern and Steampipe Alley (shoot gay)!! I guess Channel 9 is like a semi-real network now. Uhhh, good for them!

Well I turn it on a little early and I catch the tail end of a show called Taylor Perry's House of Pain and it seems to be about how these old dudes have caught a fat black child masturbating in the bathroom and they are telling him how to not go about getting caught in the future. This was a real thought provoking ten minutes of television.

Ok Smackdown is starting and Edge is coming out to make a very heartfelt super serious speech about his ongoing feud with John Cena. I have no jokes for this at all and I can already tell this is going to be a long lonely night that will most likely end with a sticky mess in a random sock.

There are commercials for all of the new Channel 9 Network shows and they are all hella suspect. There's one show just called JAIL, and I believe another one called FUNNY TV PATROL Starring Arsenio Hall.

Now we have Matt Hardy & Kane vs. xCMx xPunkX & Jeff Hardy. Jeff and Matt apparently hate each other now. I'm not sure why, but if I were to guess by the looks of Matt, it would be because Matt has eaten all of Jeff's Snacks! This Jeff Hardy CM Punk collabo is kind of interesting because it's like the wrestling representation of a 1990's mall kid (Hardy) with the 2000's representation of a mall kid (Punk). Excuse me but I have to be real with Punk & Hardy for a second. First Jeff, no one wears JNCO's anymore bro, and how old are you anyway? Like 34? Just fucking quit it. Secondly Punk, no one listens to Killswitch Engage anymore bro. It may be the least irritating music in the WWE and I guess it's good that it's not fucking PSYCHOSTICK, and I respect that you made some goober ass fat kids from fucking North Dakota super stoked to be straight edge, but you're ruining everything. Stop carrying a fucking briefcase to the ring too.
So Matt ends up getting a dastardly roll up on Jeff leading to a win and Jeff is now even more pissed at Matt because he is still the master of the snacks.

Ooooh, a five minute long sensual montage explaining the Orton/HHH/Shane Mcmahon/Batista/Legacy feud in fuzzy slow motion detail. "I'm getting too old for this shit" -- Danny Glover.

Now we have Big Show vs. Undertaker and the guy who is not Jim Ross keeps calling this the main event and it's only 8:40 and I start to get really worried this match is going to go on for an hour and twenty minutes. Like, I'm biting my nails and shit. I have a new found interest in Undertaker ever since his WM25 match though. See, I haven't watched an Undertaker match in over five years and had no idea he became an MMA fighter until the Shawn Michaels match. I'm not sure why one would need to learn the ways of MMA when you already have mystical paranormal powers, but hey whatever.
The story in this match is that The Undertaker is THE BIG DOG MMA KING SHIT sort of like Randy Couture because they are both old as fuck and I guess Big Show's new gimmick is that he punches people and knocks them out. Ohhhh boy. These dudes really fucking suck at punching each other especially because both of their gimmicks are BEING REALLY GOOD AT PUNCHING. They punch like fucking baby bitches and why the Hell does The Undertaker always look sunburned? What the fuck does he do on his off time to get that look? Hey man, get some sunblock or I don't know, stop sticking your fucking head out of the car like a dog while you're driving.
So this match goes on for way too long and I start to Google search for images for this post, and like any grown ass man, I have Google safe search turned OFF, which means when you search for anything, you have a 99% chance of seeing hot tits, so I get distracted for quite a while. I look up in time to see that The Big Show delivers one of his baby bitch knockout punches to the Undertaker while he's trying to perform "Old School" and it fucks up the Undertaker big time. Then the Undertaker slowly gets up and Big Show gingerly punches him again for the KNOCKOUT, then Big Show's all like YOU MAD CUZ IM STYLIN ON YOU. After a while Undertaker gets up and he's so wobbly and I can't believe Big Show just made Undertaker look like such a bitch, but then UT puts up his dukes and he's like COME ON FRUIT, and he punches Big Show a few times and Show scurries out of the ring laughing all like YOU MAD YOU MAD YOU MAD!

Time for Maryse vs. Gail Kim. I don't mean to get all racial here, but you can easily tell what type of Asian Gail Kim is because she has a panface (Korean). I'm not hating or anything. I would like nothing more than to kiss and nuzzle and cuddle with a sweet little Asian girl. If the internet has taught me anything, it's that an Asian woman is the most coveted trophy a white man like me could ever aquire.
Maryse is like the sassiest bitch ever and she's so awesome. Everything she does, she has this face on like FUCK IT I KNOW THIS SHIT IS FAKE. She is amazing, second only to the one homie Sara Del Rey. She kicks Gail Kim's ass and does her DDT finisher, and I was totally expecting a COCKY PIN, but she has an even better pin where she kind of half sprawls out on Gail's body as if they just had amazing sex and mushes her face. Then when she gets the 3 count she does the WHAT BITCH hand gesture to Gail Kim. Maryse is the most amazing WWE lady wrestler. I'm so glad she is on Raw now so I have a chance to see her again.

Oh, A weird Jeff Hardy promo, where he looks like he's inside of that weird playpen thing they used to have at the Discovery Zone, except an EVIL TWIZTED VERSION!

MVP is out and I guess those squawking cunts on The View were talking about him. Don't even get me started on those bitches. DON'T. EVEN. GET. ME. STARTED. He has a match with...hahaha Chavo Guerrero! I didn't even know he was still a wrestler! I think it's safe to guess who won this match! Afterward, Beth Pheonix's brother Dolph Ziggler comes out in his cakeboy pleather outfit and he has a more feminine voice than his Sister! I guess this dude wants to scrap with MVP at a future time. OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT (sike).

There is a John Cena promo where he compares his feud with Edge to The Yankees Red Sox feud. COME ON DUDE.

FINALLY, The real Main Event! Shane Mcmahon and THE ANIMAL BATISTA vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase jr. There is nothing good that can be said about this match except at one point Jim Ross says "Mcmahon and Dibiase: Two amazing names in this genre!". What does that even mean? Jim Ross slowly slipping into John Madden levels of nonsense Diarrhea mouth. After that gem, I start talking to my friend about my uncanny ability to detect which girls do and don't hassle you about giving blowjobs. Then the good guy team wins. THUMBS DOWN SMACKDOWN. SHAME ON YOU.

Ugh. Impact.

Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Guest Columnist: Larry King

It's weird, becoming IWC famous makes strange bedfellows. SOmehow, old jew ass Larry King found out about our blog (I know, weird right?) and wanted to post a column. He personally e-mailed me this column and told me he'd want nothing more than to be featured on the 6394 blog and I can't deny him because he's like 400 years old and will die any day now, so there's a good chance we may have the last words Larry King will ever write, and they're about WRESTLING! -- editor

Welcome to the Larry King section of today's USA TODAY, er..., I mean, the 6-3-94 website thingy. I'll be periodically posting some thoughts on wrestling, MMA, being married seven times, and British girl groups.

*That John Cena's gonna go places, mark my words.

*You know who doesn't get enough credit for innovation in wrestling? S.D. Jones. The man made losing an artform.

*I met Steve Austin last week for brisket and brewskis. He says he's going to stay away from wrestling for the foreseeable future to really devote himself full-time to domestic violence.

*How about that Bobby Lashley? I think he's making a huge mistake by picking a fight with Bob Sapp. I mean, who's going to pay to see a WWE washout against an NFL washout?

*My good friend Hulk Hogan seems to be in a bit of trouble lately with his Rolling Stone interview. He's only saying what we've all thought at some point in time: vitamins and prayer DO lead to a healthier and longer life.

*You know who I wish I saw more of? Chris Benoit. What ever happened to that guy?

*I was taking in a ball game with Chance and Cannon and who do I see but Dale "The Demon" Torberg? An absolute gem of a worker who never got the push he deserved.

*When I was growing up, the neighborhood kids idolized Crusher Casey and Lou Thesz. Why can't my kids look up to this current spate of great grapplers like Cute Kip and Santino Marella?

*Regis Philbin and I were at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas taking in the sights last month, and we were greatly entertained. The period architecture is fantastic!

*Shawn is in the other room yelling at me to plug Garlique and Welch's Grape Juice. Done and done!

*David Duke, Guy Kawasaki and I walked into a bar the other day. For some reason, everybody started laughing. We finished our Slow Comfortable Screws against the Wall and left. That's the last time we go to the West Hollywood Manhole for drinks.

*My Latina maid always wears these low-cut dresses when she's mopping up my spills. I don't mean to stare, but I think she likes it by the way she always yells "Chinga tu madre, viejo pervertido!" I have no idea what it means, but I think I get the gist: She appreciates the attention!

*Dana White needs to partner up with Procter and Gamble. I would buy a double-branded Mr. White and Mr. Clean detergent.

*Charlie Haas is the one part of WWE television I can't miss.

*For that matter, I can't get enough of Raisha Saeed. Spicy!

*My handler's are telling me I have to go back to the studios to tape another interview with Sylvia Browne, so I'll wrap this column up. Be sure to watch my show on CNN every weeknight at 9PM, 8PM central.

"The Tears Dry On Their Own" -Amy Winehouse

Dear Diary,

If feelings are the weather forecast of life, then my soul is currently turbulent with a chance of sunshine.

I am not a religious person by any means, but if Jesus Christ himself came back in human form I'm sure he and I would have more similarities than differences, although I don't think I would be able to have sex with him (the chance to yell his name in a literal sense would be tempting, however).

My tears have had their sincerity questioned, mocked behind my back. My feelings misunderstood as a prima donna's manipulative strategem. It makes me feel like I'm in high school again, as if life is a continuous struggle to survive but not live. I think back to the "Footsteps in the Sand" parable, about how one of Christ's followers only saw one pair of footprints during his tryingest times and Jesus had to explain that it was because he was being carried by the Lord. I did the same thing with Joey Matthews and John Morrison in MNM, and like Jesus, I have been martyred back into the realm of Smackdown.

Between now and my last tawdry escapade with John Morrison, he has grown as a man and as a worker. I feel a kinship with him that could only have been cultivated through the kismet of destiny. It was this kinship that had me relieved as well as joyful that he is back with me underneath the blue lights, the most incendiary color a flame can be. I had relentlessly hit the F5 button on's supplemental draft updates to make sure it was not a hoax but a confirmation of fate that one day he and I would return on the same brand and continue a love that leaves no sexual positions undiscovered.

Sure, Dave's love was one of unbridled passion and maturity but it wasn't without its negatives. He was Ibiza and I am LA and no matter how similar we were there was always a figurative ocean between us. Staring at his belly-button tattoo was like staring into shallow water, just enough depth to take a dip but never enough to satiate my heart. It is a love that I will hold onto. But with John, this is the real deal. He wouldn't be with me for politics because I am the Sham-Wow for the puddles of haterade that surround me. He loves me for me and the way my vagina goes hyphy.

Smackdown is what I'll make of it not what they expect of me. I will be the greatest Women's champion for a large Mexican audience, for John Morrison, and above anyone else -- for me.



Quad Amputee's MMA Debut "Pretty Much What You'd Expect"

Auburn, Ala - The controversial and long-awaited MMA debut of quadruple amputee Kyle Maynard ended in a quick but not wholly unexpected fashion Saturday night. The crowd who filled the Auburn Crafts and Events Center was not exactly stunned at the decisive defeat of this inspirational fighter as his opponent, the previously unknown Alan Johnston, won by a decision a short time into the first round.

Long time MMA writer David Herb Meltzer commented on the spectacle, "it was, ya know, uh, ya know, pretty much, ya know, what you'd, uh expect, ya know, with a fast win by the guy with, ya know, all his limbs. Well, ya know, except for the, uh, flying out of the cage part."

Above: artists's rendering of the event

Johnston, whose mma record was listed as 1-2, was kept anonymous until the day of the fight, as controversy surrounded the event. Fears about saftey and the event becoming a spectacle proved to be warranted, however, as the contest played out. At the sound of the bell to start the match, Johnston sprinted across the cage and deleivered a fierce kick to the seemingly unprepared Maynard. Anyone could have predicted what would happen next. "The fucking little shit just fucking FLEW out of the cage," said an unidentifed MMA promoter, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "I bet he landed in the lap of some faggot. Or a cunt."

Despite one of the combatants being launched from the fighting surface, a first in the world of mixed martial arts, the bout's official time was 1:23. Referee Steve Mazzagotti seemed confused as to what to do next, frantically watching the stands for Maynard's possible landing spot. "I didn't want to end the fight too early," Mazzagotti later said. "I figured maybe he could get up and walk back in...or, uh, whatever."

In the post fight press conference, Johnston expressed no regrets and thanked his sponsors and his trainer, Sebastian Janikowski, for what he called an amazing camp leading up to the fight.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Week Old ROH from 4/18

Well, I am still unemployed because God and Jesus Christ both hate me and want to see me suicide instead of becoming a working man, but luckily that means I have enough time to lay around unshaven and watch ROH on the internet. At least this time around I'm actually wearing pants.

Before I start this bullsquid (which you can watch here for yourself), I look at the upcoming ROH TV schedule and notice there are no Sara Del Ray matches for a month and a half, so I'm already pretty pissed off. Well it's starting now and I'm paying a little more attention now and I can tell that Prazak and Hogman aren't in an actual room but are indeed in front of a fake ass looking green screen image. It is sad that ROH cannot afford a real room with TV monitors inside of it.


I've never actually seen a Jimmy Jacobs match because I can't take this dude seriously. They say he's 172 lbs and even if that's his shoot weight, and I'm sure it's not, that is still a bullshit weight for a god damn wrestler. How did this guy get popular? Was he exclusively fighting children and women before coming to ROH? Please someone explain to me why anyone would want to watch this fucking guy wrestle?
Necro Butcher is obviously one of the best wrestlers on earth and you should fucking know that already if you are reading a wrestling blog. Unfortunately, ROH does not believe in light tube matches, so we get a friendlier version of Necro Butcher wit a pwecious wittle staple gun and nothing else, and then the ref takes that away from him because wrestling is SERIOUS BUSINESS in ROH. If I ever go to ROH (Won't happen), I will try and start a SERIOUS BUSINESS chant, but I think there's one too many syllables to make that chant work.
Necro Butcher isn't the biggest dude, but he still towers over the diminutive Jacobs. I bet Jacobs brings a bag lunch to ROH and it's bite sized Three Musketeers bars and a Lil SSips juice box.
So after a while they are BRAAAAAWLIN' and Jacobs pulls out a plastic bag from his pants. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why would you have a plastic bag of all things hidden in your pants? Maybe that's what he carried his lunch in?
So then after a few minutes Brodie Lee comes in on behalf of his elven friend Jimmy Jacobs on Necro wins by DQ aka, the most bullshit way to win a match. I guess this is how Jimmy Jacbos wins matches.

Now we are backstage with Tyler Durden who is interviewing Jimmy Albright, one of the many plain white boring faces of ROH. I AM DROWSY CLAP CLAP CLAP.


It is so obvious in his pre-match promo that Sami Callihan is a jobber but he's trying so hard not to be and it's so cute. Eddie Kingston is a dude who is wildly popular by indie wrestling standards, and I never understood why. He has a beer gut, and he looks like every single Puerto Rican dude I have ever known who is always telling you about how they have this "awesome" job at a warehouse for some Pharmaceutical distributor and they can hook you up with a job if you want it, but you really don't want it because you'd rather be jobless and starving than lift heavy ass boxes full of syringes and god knows what for 60 hours a week at ten dollars an hour ("but the overtime is worth it" they will say). Maybe indie wrestling fans don't know any real life Puerto Ricans? To me, Eddie Kingston is more or less my brother-in-law in kung fu pants and a spandex wifebeater.
Well, Sami Callihan, who is wearing a really fruity singlet that rides up way too high in the thigh and dick area, gets in way too much offense and then Eddie Kingston makes him bleed FOR REAL somehow, and eventually ends up beating this scrub with a...discus punch....sort of....thing. What a great finisher!

Durden is backstage with Claudio Castagnoli, who is a wrestler I actually like, mainly because , you know, he LOOKS like a wrestler. Claudio is doubly funny because he is trying to be funny and his natural shitty euro accent makes him funny.

Oh great Hogman and the other toucher are "talking" to New ROH CHAMP Jerry Lynn "Via Satellite" and it's so hilarious because you can totally tell they aren't really talking to each other, like when Space Ghost interviewed people on his talk show. Jerry Lynn has been wrestling for something like 45 years, you would think he'd learn to talk a little somewhere in there.


Bobby Dempsey looks like every fat kid you picked on in high school, or in some of our readers cases, Bobby Dempsey is the wrestler you can most relate to. Orange Cassidy is such a jobber that he doesn't even get the prerequisite intro nonsense. Dempsey beats him in like 9 seconds, and I'm not sure if they're trying to make Bobby Dempsey some type of Vader character or what's going on, but if they are, that's a pretty bad idea, because when I see Bobby Dempsey, all I think of are titty twisters and swirlies, not an unstoppable monster.

Then there's a segment called "buzzwords" with some guy called Erick Stevens and I will not even dignify this. That's about a minute of airtime they could have dedicated to Sara Del Ray highlights. Screwers.


Cheech & Cloudy are so lame they don't even get real PRO-TIPS. They also come out to ska music. Cloudy is from the Jimmy Jacobs school of tiny wrestlers too. His head is barely above the top rope! Titus & King are some more jobbers trying really hard not to be jobbers. I can tell this match won't interest me since it's a battle to see which team are the better jobbers so I start playing with Twitter on my phone. After a few minutes I look up and Cloudy is ascending to the top rope, but Kenny King pushes his sorry ass off of it and Cloudy goes flying face first into the ringside barricade thing. Then they do a pretty dope springboard Blockbuster for the win and maybe these guys aren't jobbers after all.


Claudio uses a scrub as a step stool to enter the ring. The announcers don't Say shit about Brent Albright being related to Gary Albright, so I guess that's a coincidence, and I'm kind of bummed out. Gary Albright was awesome. Brent on the other hand, looks like a douche, but at least he looks like an actual wrestler. I can't believe this dude is the "good guy". He comes to the ring in a sleeveless leather trench coat. How can any self respecting human root for a man with such bad fashion sense? Bullshit aside, this match was pretty dope, again because both dudes were the size of normal wrestlers and no one looked like they'd have to be home when the street lights cut on. Unfortunately, Claudio wins with a roll up, just like how Jerry Lynn won in the main event last week (except this roll up was a lot less stupid) because I guess the whole gimmick of this ROH show is that they give you some nothing jobber matches and then the main event may consist of two guys who are exciting but you won't see an awesome finish because you need to go to an ROH show or buy an overpriced DVD to see the real shit. I'm never going to do those things so I don't know how much more of this show I can take if it's going to stick to straight jobber wrestle fights with no SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT in between. Especially if there isn't a healthy dose of Sara Del Ray to administer an adrenaline shot to my pants.

A humble attempt to review 6/3/94: Movement The First

As I contentedly munch upon the intoxicating sweetness of a mochi Pocky, I reflect on all that the diminutive island nation of Nippon has bestowed upon me. Whether it's their demure and elegant women or their bell-like language that rings upon my ears like the sweetest aroma of a wisteria blossom on a summer's breeze, much is owed to this oriental paradise. But one thing stands above all others. The date lives on in all true fans minds. Above our birthdays, above our anniversaries, above Easter and Thanksgiving and Christmas. June Third, Nineteen and Ninety-four. Those who know need no explanation. But for those who don't know, here is my humble attempt at relating to you... the greatest professional wrestling match in the history of the world.
Mitsuhara Misawa wears a silver jacket. There is a certain pomp, a certain... flash to his ways. He is the golden boy of All Japan Pro Wrestling and he knows it. Toshiaki Kawada, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. Startlingly difficult to look at, hapless in combat against Misawa... the everyman of Japan.
We start simply enough. Misawa presents the triple crown belts to the referee, Kawada warms up in the corner. Such elegance in storytelling. Such subtlety.
Streamers, as though manna from heaven, rain down upon our competitors. We wait in delicious yet painful anticipation. The referee admonishes them both sternly... we WILL have a clean fight. Not that we have anything to fear from these two stoic warriors. Honor is a guarantee!
They stand, facing off. At the risk of foregoing journalistic neutrality, I already feel a shiver of delight coursing through my body. A lockup, just one, leads to nothing but respect. The second an exchange of strikes. On the third, a spinning kick thunderously collides with Misawa's jaw sending him to the floor. Misawa quickly follows with a hellacious backdrop driver as though from the pits of Hades itself.
Forgive me readers. There is no way I can document each occurrence in this match, though I surely could, easily from memory. So ingrained in my memory is this match that I can yell along with the commentators despite being the most baka of gaijin. There words fall from my mouth like water from the rainclouds, inexorable and perfect.
The action spills to the outside, but that is no matter for the high flying Misawa. Or is it? With a simple maneuver, the homely Kawada demolishes the debonair Misawa. This is Kawada's night. Can you feel it? Does the electricity move you as it does me?
Back in the ring, Kawada's punishing kicks and grinding submission maneuvers ground the flamboyant Misawa; this boy emperor of the Budokan. A lump moves to my throat, the first tears spill from my eyes as Kawada hybridizes a Boston crab into something more, something other.
Dangerous K, as he is sometimes known, thrusts Misawa into the corner and unleashes kicks in much the same way Tojo's shining warriors unleashed raining death on the hapless Americans of Pearl Harbor. A pin, a count of two. We're not done tonight, readers. Not by a long shot.
Kawada remains on the offensive, continuing to work as an antagonist for Misawa's unearthly style. What is an angel, after all, if it lacks wings?
A man of pride, Misawa desires to show he too can yield his feet as weapons. He regains control with his own kicks, quick strikes, a tactical offensive that serves to demoralize just as much as wound.
Knowing that without the power in his legs Kawada is yielded a harmless kitsune pup, Misawa goes to work on the mighty trunks of the man who is quickly becoming our protagonist. In Kawada, we see ourselves. Not the most beautiful, not the most flashy, but beings with truth and purity on our sides. Against all of my judgment, my fists are clenched, my teeth as well. Kawada-san, please...
Like a tiger stalking its prey, Misawa skulks around the ring, beholding Kawada's injury, teeing off on him with kicks at will. An act of mercy, to end this match. And yet, Misawa is not a merciful man. KA-WA-DA chants the crowd. And we at home, gently chant along.
Perhaps buoyed by this moral support, Kawada attempts a suplex. Once, twice, no. A spin kick quickly puts him down again. Kawada is unable to mount any significance offense. Are we nearing an end to this contest? Perhaps not, friends. Perhaps not! Kawada shows that his kicks are without peer and goes for a pin. 1...2... no. There is still fight left within Misawa's samurai soul. Enough fight, indeed, to reverse a powerbomb into a backdrop. But not enough fight, enough burning spirit, to prevent the dropkick to the back of his skull.
Aloft on a cloud of revenge, Kawada delivers a seemingly endless supply of chops to the neck of Misawa. Again, only good for 2. It will not be that easy, my friend. A kick to Misawa and we see blood ooze from his ear. Do you doubt the veracity of the combat within this match? Then you are truly a fool.
Misawa, back in control, an astounding figure, trickling his life's very blood, a tiger driver, a two count. Perhaps it is that Kawada is no slouch himself, Mr. Misawa? A frog splash as well.. to no avail. This Kawada is a survivor.
A brief aside, if I may, about the vast superiority of Japanese audiences to those of America. Their attention is held rapt, entirely devoted to this contest. No rude and vulgar chants are head, no garishly attired men in hockey jerseys trying to "get themselves over." It is sublime and universal to Japan, that rarest of nations where the perfect storm of etiquette and glory have swirled together.
Misawa still resists the powerbomb, but no force on earth can withstand those of Kawada's fearsome boots. Sufficiently softened up, a backdrop driver scores. Finally, the powerbomb hits. And a count of two follows. The exhaustion is palpable. If we, the viewers, weren't so enthralled, we might be exhausted too.
But tiredness is no excuse and it is a pleasure to watch Kawada go to work. He is a surgeon, the ring is his operating table. More spectacular moves and yet Misawa does not fall. There is no yield in this man, not even when placed in the destructive submission maneuvers of Kawada. These moves could bend steel, but some things are stronger than steel. Things such as Misawa's constitution as he regains control. A tiger suplex and we literally cannot believe what we are seeing. Next to this, the Olympics are an imaginary game for children, a mere babe's prattling games.
A striking imagine, Misawa steeling himself to return to the ring. He must, and yet he knows what is to come: An exchange of elbows and kicks that sees him temporarily on top. Still, at what point does a man simply say "No more?" All things must come to an end, even the championship reign of this warrior. But resignation is not on the menu today and so the struggle continues.
Summoning within himself some final reserve of power, Misawa utilizes the final move in his arsenal, the nuclear option as it were: The tiger driver '91. And this finally, FINALLY, puts Kawada away.
We are spent. We are speechless. And, yes, once again, we are moved to tears at this spectacle, this metaphor for the human condition. It is a symphony in countless parts, a mummer's tale of bravery. There are very few words in this entry compared to that which runs through my heart, through my mind, and through my soul. But if I could put those words to paper, perhaps I'd be a quarter of the artist that Toshiaki Kawada or Mitsuhara Misawa are.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

EC DUB 4/21

So I haven't watched ECW since they fired the hot vampire girl, who was my all time favorite *Diva*. Ever since then, I've been like Fuck ECW, so watching it now is quite the experience.
The show opens and we are in ENGLAND which is not a part of AMERICA, and Finlay & Hornswaggle are in the ring TALKING. Finlay is catching feelings because Hornswaggle has been drafted to Smackdown and they were tight bros. Hornswaggle wants to wrestle tonight as a going away present(?). Then Natalya Neidhart comes out with some sweetboy who is seemingly wearing a Merkin on his head named Jason Kidd. They're like fuck this midget fool and then he bites Natalya on the ass. Speaking of Natalya's ass, it looks really big but I think it's more because she has stumpy ass legs, but still she probably has the biggest ass in *Diva* history. So then there is a commercial, and there is seriously a commercial every 4 minutes during this show and I don't know how people ever watch this shit.
SO yeah then a lady fights a little person and the little person wins because he is the one with the bigger handicap, for now at least.


Back from commercial and Natalya and Merkin are bitching to ummmm....some girl from porno, who I guess is the manager of ECW (?) and, I don't know, something. The porn girl is really bad at acting.
Then there's a RAW Recap but the only Raw Recap I need is from my man A.W. over at He was recently voted the Wrestling Observer's number one Raw Recapper.
Oh splendid, now a recap of the matches at the next PPV. ECW is like WWE: The Informercial.

Oh shit Evan Bourne is on his way to the ring, and I imagine this dude wrestles on ECW TV every week because he seems to be the only person people give a shit about out of all of these ECW scrubs. Who is he fighting? A COMMERCIAL!
Oh, He's fighting Paul Burchil who's a dude I remember seeing on RAW like a year or two ago once and then never again. He comes out with his "sister" (not sure if that's a shoot or not) and, man jaw aside, you wouldn't have to bend my arm to sleep with her, for real.
This is probably the longest non-main event match I've seen on WWE TV in 37 years. Evan Bourne is such a spritely fellow and he always looks like he's in pain, but simultaneously enjoying the pain. They do a lot of moves here, including Burchill slapping on the backside of his thighs to get the crowd pumped. That was weird. Bourne does the most awkward twisting rollup thing I've ever seen and it's amazing. These announcer guys are like the TMI announcers. No wonder internet slugs like them so much, they are like istening to two Aspie dudes call a wrestling match. SO yeah, Evan Bourne wins this match by doing a Shooting Star Press where he legit jumps 5000 feet into the air.

Before we go to commercial, there's a filmed promo for that Kozlov dude and ohhhh he's just in an alleyway minding his own punching glass bottles with his fists and I'm sure everyone watching at home is thinking, "Look at this fuckin' guy" because that's what I was thinking.

Now it's Kozlov vs. some local jobber. Haha, ECW has matches with local jobbers. This show is so weird. Well, Kozlov is the most pissed off looking dude ever and he murders this dude, but I think they need to give him some kind of finisher where he drops a dude on the neck to really put over that this dude is pissed off.

During the commercial break, there is a commercial for a website called which is the most triflin' looking website I have seen advertised during wrestling since a couple weeks ago on Raw when they had a commercial for

THE MAIN EVENT is a contract signing between Jack Swagger and Christian for a TITLE MATCH at the PPV. So the porn manager's name is "Tiffany". It's good she has such a unique and one of a kind name because she really sticks out. Jack Swagger looks like Christian if Christian drank some Mutagen. Speaking of Christian and Mutagen, I haven't seen dude in a while, but he definitely stopped taking his pro wrestler vitamins because he's a regular sized guy now. Swagger talks forever during this and it's hard to tell because of his gigantic Caveman brow, but he has a slight case of Biggie Smalls Eyes. Then it's Christian's turn to talk and he has some SNAPS. I know Christian is supposed to be the good guy but I hope Swagger fucks him up at the PPV. It is not cool to SNAP on a dude's speech problems. Well, they end up fighting a little like every contract signing ever. The end. I may watch this again, just to see what other weird scrub characters fight on ECW, but I'm not going to lose sleep if I forget this show exists in 5 minutes.

The Realest: Sara Del Ray (A Love Letter)

First I'd like to say that the above video is not entirely mine. Some nerd on Youtube made the original version, but used some horrendous Walls of Jericho song as the background music. I merely replaced it with a beautiful song that is fitting for such a beautiful creature.

Anyway Sara, I assume you are reading this, because I assume most non-WWE wrestlers spend their off time Googling themselves to see if they got the internet goin' nuts, and speaking of the internet goin' nuts, that is exactly what 6/3/94 has the internet doing (goin' nuts), so we are no doubt one of your main bookmarks now. Well Sara, I recently checked your Myspace and it said you were single so you can't front on me and say you have a man, because why would you lie on your Myspace? You are always on the road wrestle fighting, so sadly, a long term thing wouldn't work out between us. All I'm asking is, next time you are in New York for.... whatever it is you wrestle for, let me take you out to Gray's Papaya, or maybe you want to get a little classy and we can go to Bubba Gump Shrimp in Time's Square. It doesn't matter to me, as long as I can get to know you. I promise I won't ask you any questions about "the boys in the back" or "bumps" or "highspots" because I don't give a shit about those things. All I give a shit YOU. Just one date Sara, and maybe if things go well, I will buy you that sports bra you want on your Amazon Wish List.

...And when you feel cold, I'll warm you
And when you feel you can't go on, I'll come and hold you
It's you...
And me forever
Saraaaaa...... Smile
Won't you smile a while for me.....

Let me be your Boo Sara.

Your pal,
Contributor IV

PS. I'm not a fattie and I'm not retarded.

Our 1st Emails!

So I’m another dude at this blog, but I don’t want to do shit but I want to help out in some manner. I used to fuck around internet wrestle dork style but drifted away after I got skeeved out by too many weird ass wrestling fans. Not the for-real retarded kind with the photo albums of all the autographed Polaroids they bought over the years, but those weird standard wrestling dork guys that all look like child molesters that have successfully completed 9 out of 12 steps and no longer are tempted to molest children. But it’s in there somewhere still.
Anyways, I’m gonna be the 6.3.94 ombudsman, which means you send your stupid comments or questions or concerns or legitimate gripes or whatever to that email address in the sidebar (or, and I’ll handle that serious business. I can’t answer trivia and bullshit like that, nor impress you with any super-level wrestling dork illuminati intricacies (I’m not Jewish, thus not in the wrestling academia super inner-circle), but I’ll do my best to take care of your bullshit, maybe like once a week, or maybe even less as I’ve got a pretty steady access to a hydrocodone prescription lately so tend to watch a lot of Mexican trash cinema from one of those super spectacular 500 movie sets of old dumb shit you can buy at finer tiendas when you stop in for a Coke made with real sugar.
We got two emails already... well, actually we got four, but two of them were fucking stupid. But here’s the first two I felt like bothering with...

Hey guys,
I LOVE YOUR BLOGI'm just writing you to show my appreciation and to
tell you to PLEASE keep it going for the long runin other words, don't let it
die off anytime soonalot of blogs start off strong, then lose steam- PLEASE
DON'T LOSE STEAMalso, I don't write but i'm a long time smart mark who was a
worker (not stating that to put myself over-just stating it that i was "in the
business") and was wondering what i would have to do to be a
salvatore wrx
First off, most people who are hardcore wrestling fans (as in “watch a lot of wrestling,” not as in “Man, my favorite is when Zandig hits that girl with a running push mower and then Tammy Sytch pins her and gets blood all over her tits”) are concealing some sort of sexual deficiency, probably even from themselves, so that’s not such a great thing. Secondly, people who do blogs are self-important assholes. So what you have here at 6.3.94 is a combination of people with repressed sexual dysfunction, which means they are apt to flip out and disappear as they immerse themselves in some separate gay assed sub-culture (anime or comic books or fantasy baseball hall of fames). But then you factor in the self-important asshole aspect, which invariably leads to the bloggot feeling like the world doesn’t understand his genius so he switches his whole thing around completely, to show you how much you didn’t understand him and his better-than-everybody-else’s opinions, because you’ll miss him when he’s gone (called “going coooey”).
What I’m saying is that’s a bad combo and means this shit will just as likely disappear entirely in six months as it is to be the greatest daily wrestling filter the internet ever saw. Hard to say. Plus, most of the contributors I actually know personally are weedheaded slack asses, and you can’t really count on people like that for shit except not returning DVDs they borrow.
As for contributing, there’s a small tight circle of sort of in-charge types who are the braintrust behind this, I guess. And I’m not sure right now whether the philosophy is going to be “let everyone on earth contribute and we’ll just delete the shitty ones,” or if you should just send contributions to the email address I gave you and I’ll pass it along if you’re not retarded sounding and shit will pop off from there.
And thanx you,
tha 6.3.94 ombudsman

regarding PS Hayes being racist and shit, I’ve known that dude for like
two decades and lemme tell you, he ain’t racist. I know internet faggots know it
all, but PS is a cool dude down to earth and you can’t roll in g.a. like he did
forever and be no racist ass dude. plus I know he’s done loved bunches of nigger
girls since we’ve been cool. I know its all fun and bullshit but I wanted to let
you know the real deal on PS cause he gets a bad rap.
It’s cool man. Michael Hayes is one of the good ones so far as I’m concerned, and always will be.
tha 6.3.94 ombudsman

A Case of the Mondays (Fuck Office Space)

Whee yay it's time for Monday Night Raw, my favorite show in the whole entire world!

Chris Jericho comes out in a pinstriped suit and is all like "Hey I'm a good guy it's you fans that are the jerks!" and they're all like "BOO!" and then some chingchong music plays and I was like "TAKA Michinoku?" But no, it was actually Ricky Steamboat who does an interesting thing where he says two words like they're one: Chrericho, for example. Chrericho wants to wrestle Ramboat at whatever the shit the next pay per view is called but then John Cena comes out and is all "Hey everyone I'm a good guy!" and then Ricky Steamboat accepts the match and John Cena is like "Oh hey Chris Jericho tonight I get to wrestle you!" and Jericho makes shifty eyes.
The hapless Chavo Guerrero comes out and I'm not gonna lie, I miss his promo because I went to get a lil snack ^_^. But I assume he said something really inflammatory because then Batista comes out and just squashes the hell out of Chavo. At this point, Chavo mewls out a sniveling apology to an absent Vickie Guerrero and gets powerbombed AGAIN but this time he holds onto the mic for the whole thing which was awesome. Batista's been back two weeks and I'm already so tired of him.
Backstage, Batista and Shane McMahon exchange some sexual tension.
TI Friday's loving superstar xCM Punkx and THE BIG RED MACHINE have a wrestling match wherein nothing much happens and then Charles Manson Punk rolls up Kane out of a chokeslam. It was the sloppiest and worst roll up ever but a win's a win I guess. Afterwards, Kane gives CM Punk a creepy smile.
With the stupidest and fakest unibrow imaginable, Santino comes out to interview his own sister about how she has herpes and can't kiss the Great Khali. Somehow, Beth Phoenix psychically predicted this turn of events and has made it so the Great Khali gets to kiss Santina on the whatever pay per view. Then Melina comes out to wrestle Beth Phoenix. Picture me giving a damn, I said never.
So after last week when the Miz and Kofi had the longest match ever and last night when Matt Morgan and Abyss had the longest match ever, John Cena and Chris Jericho had the longest match ever. The crucial difference was that this match did not suck. It went on and on and it was fun to watch and then shitty ass Edge showed up and ruined it and put a chair under Cena's head and then hit that chair with another chair. Remember when Edge debuted and he was a vampire? Well, he looked so much like a vampire tonight. He should have been wearing a velvet shirt with laces and been skulking around New Orleans, so vampiric was he.
Then I took a shower!
The Big Show shaking his head bemusedly at Rey Misterio is what I return to. And that mirthful contempt proved accurate as the Big Show rightfully treats the tiny Mexican like the jobber he is. Afterwards, the Big Show shows his acting chops by looking on in wrathful contempt. I don't know what the point of this was except to job Rey out to everyone. Oh, I almost forgot that Rey gave a 619 to Big Show's butt.
Then Randy Orton's boys were saying something and I will say this about every wrestler because it's true but it's especially true for Cody Rhodes: Dude needs to get on the gas. That is one scrawny ass dude and it's no fun looking at wrestlers who don't look like they might die any minute. Anyway Randy Orton said that he was awesome or something and the dudes agreed. I guess.
So the main event was HHH vs Randy Orton in a no disqualification match and it was a LOT better than their match at Wrestlemania. Stuff actually happened and they did moves and it was exciting. As it ended, all the guys in the upcoming six man came out and the faces had problems getting along and the heels snuck out a win and it just made sense. It was sensible! The good guys are kind of stupid and really over eager and the bad guys are nefarious and have intricate plots that involve eye raking and being arm in arm. There aren't even any real jokes to be made because it was just so like... there it was. An infinitely better show that last week which was the worst Raw in the history of the show.