I decided to watch TNA for some reason

The show opens with Mick Foley, followed by a clown, some large beaner looking dude and one of the Hebners (since we never really can tell which one is which on a count of them being TWINS). Mick then up and invites a bunch of people to the ring. Mick is wearing a leopard print shirt that looks as if it were cut out of the side of a thrift store couch. Jeff Jarrett comes out and looks none to pleased at Mick. Apparently AJ Styles is a champion of some sorts? The Legends Champ? Hmmm. Samoa Joe comes out wearing a shirt over his shoulders as opposed to his using it to cover his man tits. Mick announces the main event which happens to be a like 8 man cluster fuck and Samoa Joe punches him.

Raven is in the back with Daffney and some Stevie Richards looking dude. Is that Stevie Richards? No clue. Raven says he's going to have one of his Dr. Strangelove matches with some dude named Jethro. Color me intrigued! Raven seems to be back into fat Jim Morrison mode, which at this point is the only acceptable Raven.

Apparently Target outsourced his ass, so Shane Douglas has been attacking Daniels. Now we get DANIELS vs Amazing Red. Red is doing the STIFF LEG KICK offense that looks cool when it's not being done by a ginger midget. Red kicks Daniels in the face like a thousand times. Daniels responds like any normally sized man would respond to a child kicking him: He no sells it. Daniels wins somehow and then FRANCHISE SHANE DOUGLAS pops up on the Russotron and demands a second chance and accepts Daniels challenge! Apparently only one of them will have a job after that match! DRAMA!

Random shit backstage with some blonde ho, a large negress and some middle eastern looking chick. w/e

Matthew Morgan calls out Sting. He points out all the ways he's better than Sting, then says he didn't come out here to point out all the ways he's better than Sting. Counter productive, Matthew. Matthew says that he wants to gain respect and that Sting needs to give respect and then he challenges him to a match, I think? Sting then threatens to bite off Matthew's finger and accepts his challenge at Slamiversery and if Matthew wins he'll get Sting's spot in the Main Event Mafia. Whoa. Matthew tries to Pearl Harbor Sting and misses.

Jay Bee has Jeff Jarrett in the back. Jeff is ANGRY. Angry about MIC FOLEY. Apparently Mick is crazy and Jeffery is none too please about it!

Time for Raven's Full Metal Jacket match! OK, so Jethro= Trevor Murdoch and that really was Stevie. Jethro hits Raven with a trash can. The wall of weapons has a lot of cool shit and so Jethro grabs... a cookie sheet. Raven does the leg sweep into the guard rail spot, only much slower than usual. Raven grabs a chair and somehow ends up punching it. Jethro hits a knee to Raven and then kinda gently tosses him into the fence. Jethro dives into the cage which then falls to the ground so Raven gets the pin. Raven puts Jethro in the straight jacket and then the lobster A Chris comes out and Stevie, Raven and Daffney's tits decide to GTFO.

Dee Dubya is interviewing Samoa Joe and apparently Joe has been being ADVISED by someone. WHO CAN IT BE? TAZ? UMAGA? BETTY CROCKER? The possibilities are endless!

There is some babbling about some shit happening later and then some bitches say some bitchy stuff and then a commercial. Wait, iMPACT! is 2 hours now? When in the fuck did this happen? And Abyss talks now? WHAT IN THE FUCK!

So know there is a skank match that I have no interest in so I shall play mine sweeper in the mean time.

Team 3D are pissed off with Beer Money. And now we go to a commercial.

This Cody Deaner I've heard so much about appears to be a real hoot! Jay Lethal is still doing the Savage thing, so at least somethings in TNA never change. The Machine Guns are still kinda non threatening. Another commercial.

Beer Money and Team 3-D are having an adult oriented conversation about beer and money. James Storm made the fatal mistake of telling a black man to be his bitch. Negroes hate that shit. It's like the ultimate insult in their culture. I read that somewhere.

Jay Lethal and some Creed dude enter the ring and they look happy! They're going to be tagging with the Machine Guns who are the holders of some nip nong tag belts. Team 3-D and beer money brawl out to the ring. Daniels, I, uh, mean SUICIDE attacks the Guns. 3-D gets the win.

Joe and AJ are backstage and Joe PROMISES AJ that he has his back which leads me to believe that he does NOT have AJ's best interest in mind. Jesus Christ, this shit is long.

Gay Bee is talking to Mick Foley. Billy Gunn comes in and says something or rather. Dee Dubya and Tenay do the hard sell for the PPV. Now Gay Bee is talking to Kurt Angle. A 3 Doors Down Geico Caveman comercial airs, and honestly, it's kinda funny. Maybe it only seems funny compared to TNA.

Time for the main event 249233689832 man cluster fuck! This match is basically Joe, AJ, and a half dozen broken down guys. Angle reverses a Stroke into an ankle lock. Mick Foley decides to join the announce team, some other shit happens and then a commercial. Mick keeps shining Jeff on when he needs to make a tag. Is Jarrett a face? Jeff decks Foley. Joe hits the muscle buster on Angle and gets the win. Joe and AJ embrace! Joe really DID have AJ's back!

Fuck TNA so hard.

TNA 5-21: THE RETURN OF CONTRIBUTOR IV

So I am back after moving to review TNA for the very first time on this blog. Well I reviewed a PPV but that doesn't count.

So this thing starts off with a Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett montage and I quickly realize I have lost all knowledge of wrestling I sponged in those 3 glorious weeks (Known as 6394's Attitude Era) I was involved with blogging here, replacing all of that important wrestling knowledge with memorizations of Subway systems, so all of this is new to me again. This is a concern because I already thought TNA was the most confusing show on TV, and I am also super high off of fancy weed which is making everything even MORE hard to follow.

I guess this montage is because Jarrett & Foley hate each other, but oh good, we are starting TNA off with Jarrett blabbing in the ring about Foley and then Foley comes out and he's a legit bad guy again, and THEN jarrett is like "Im gonna be in the Sacrifice match" and foley is like "BUT WHAT WILL YOU SACRIFICE HOW ABOUT YOUR SHARES OF TNA???" And Jarrett is like "ok", and I don't fucking understand this Sacrifice match. So is it whoever gets pinned has to sacrifice some shit? Fuck it who cares, this is all giving me a panic attack.

Ok so then Foley is like WELL IM GONNA MAKE SOME MATCHES and he says a bunch of things that go over my head, then he says something about Samoa Joe and his NATION OF VIOLENCE and I have no idea what that means but I am fucking pumped to find out. Finally before the commercial break there is a skit with Angle backstage and it was all like FUCKYEAHDUDEBLAHABAABAHSH and something about a Frenzy (????) match. and my head is fucking exploding. Oh good. commercials.

We are back & catching up with the WHO IS SUICIDE IS IT CHRIS DANIELS thing, and it looks like it's not Chris Daniels, but who fucking cares if it was Chris Daniels? Would that give him some kind of unfair advantage? WHY DOES ANYONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.
But now both Daniels and Suicide are being interviewed at the same time and they're gonna fight at the PPV, but tonight they are bros in a match.

Lethal Consequences vs Machine Guns vs vs Daniels/Suicide: This was mostly too confusing for me and they're stil talking about the mystery of Suicide. Shuuuuut the Fuccccccckkkkkkkk Uppppppp. So yeah, moves, moves, moves and then Daniels does this crazy ass moonsault plancha and for a second I'm PUMPED, but then Suicide wins with a move. COMMERCIAL.

Back from commercial and literally nothing of interest happens except they show booker T and Kevin Nash training for...something and it is very homoerotic. COMMERCIAL.

The Dudleys are giving a spirited speech about tag team wrestling and apparently they started some kind of Tag Team Invitiational tournmanet and whaaaaaat the fuuuuuck?? How are you just gonna make an Invitational Tournament?? That is not a thing everyone has the power to do. So the Dudleys are beefing with THE BRITISH INVASION and I have no clue who these guys are. They all look like British dudes, so maybe one is Nigel Mcguiness. Now they are talking back and forth and the Dudleys cant fuckin handle it so they throw dem bo's but THE BRITISH INVASION have a giant Biritsh Strongman, so they are now fucking the fuck up the Dudleys. NO WAIT, BEER MONEY is out!! Who are they!!! Some guys!!! THE BRITISH INVASION are scared of these dudes and I think their ring music is Livin on a Prayer or maybe I just smoked angel dust. Holy shit thank god this segment is over. It's only 9:45

OH SHIT NOW JARRETT AND ERIC YOUNG ARE BEEFIN BACKSTAGE. They are ironing out their problems like bros though. No reason to throw down. Oh it turns out Micke Foley has to fight Eric Young. Cool! COMMERCIAL THANK GOD.

Oh Kurt Angle was looking for Sting...and he found him! They are kind of beefing I think. I don't think it's gonna come to blows though. They are just yelling like an old married couple. I think they might hug it out, bitch. They do!

Oh now Eric Young vs. Sting. I guess I was confused earlier when I said he had to fight Mick Foley. I can't keep up with this shit man, I'm sorry. Is this seriously only the 2nd match? I feel like so much shit has happened. Oh, so I guess Eric Young and Sting are tight bros from way back and this is heartbreaking for the both of them. It's heartbreaking for me too. Man the sound got all weird for a second and you could only hear 6 people clapping. Maybe I AM on angel dust, or maybe only 6 people give a shit about this match? Oh, Eric Young taps to Sting's Sharpshooter. NEXT ON IMPACT: AWESOME KONG ANGELA LOVE CONTRACT SIGNING!!

Borash is gonna send insider knowledge to your mobile phone. Now he's about to chat up Mick Foley to find out what former heavyweight champion Foley is gonna fight tonight. I hope it's Gillberg. IT HAS TO BE GILLBERG. Borash and Foley are doing some kind of abott and costello bullsquid. SEGMENT OVER.

There is a SERIOUS Awesome Kong montage. It was pretty dope. Now it's time for the CONTRACT SIGNING. DUN DUN. Fat Jim Cornette is out to....officiate (???) the contract signing (I guess). Angela Love is one of the most porn star looking lady wrestlers ever. She is bringing security with her because she is beefing with Awesome King pretty hardcore. Cornette is telling the security to back the fuck off because it ain't that kind of party. Awesome Kong is out with the ninja. The Ninja gets to stay in the ring. That doesn't seem fair. They sign the contract and now the porno bitch is talking waaaaaay too fucking much and then Kng tries to smash the fuck out of her but some ref tries to stop her and she smashes the fuck out of that dude instead THROUGH A TABLE! Only 53 more minutes of this bullshit.

Hey let's skip a segment because it's just talking anyway, and I am trying to enjoy eating.

00hhhhh g0d more talking. Matt Morgan wants to join the Main Event Mafia So he is fighting Kurt Angle RIGHT NOW. Oh man Kurt Angle is definitely not taking wrestler vitamins anymore, but it looks like Matt Morgan is still taking a few. Matt Morgan appears to have a Jack O Lantern face tattooes on his back or something. They do some moves and then Morgan tries to go for the HELLAVATOR which is hte best name for a move, but Angle reverses it into a rollup and wins!

Now we are talking to Jeff Jarrett backstage and FUCK WHEN WILL THIS SHIT END. (in 25 minutes).

I think this is the main event now! Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett! It turns out Samoa Joe's Nation of Violence is just him and his towel. Booo. Samoa Joe fucks shit up as if he were an actual monster and not some morbidly obese dude with creepy flab and muscle pants. Joe gets DQd for fucking too much shit up and now AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are beefing because Joe is too pumped, or maybe because AJ has hamburgers in his pocket. So I guess this wasn't the main event. Fuuuuuuuuck. COMMERCIAL. 14 more minutes!

Oh that's right, I forgot the main event is supposed to be Mick Foley vs. Gillberg. FINALLY. Oh no, it's not Gillberg. It's a carboard cutout of Rocky Balboa!! He's coming to the ring with a Mickie lookalike and Don West is losing his shit and acting as if Rocky Balboa was real and then Mike Tenay tells Don West to STFU and HOLY SHIT!!! The crowd is chanting ROCKY ROCKY!!! Foley is having a real match with the cardboard Rocky. THIS IS AMAZING!! CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Foley beats Rocky with an elbow and then does like a mashup of Rocky speeches and MICK FOLEY IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Jeff Jarrett hates fun and comes out to beat the shit out of Mick Foley because he's a fucking cocksucker, but then Agnle comes out because he appreciates Foley's brand of comedy and he wrecks Jarrett. Then Sting comes out to try and stop the beef but Foley fucks HIM up. Finally Foley fucks Jarrett up too. THE END. Please just watch the last 10 minutes of this bullshit ass show. Fuck this never again am I watching this horrible snot.

Why in the living goddamn am I reviewing Impact?

I seldom watch TNA, I am not ultra familiar with the product. But I am dumb enough to watch it now and try to elicit some fond laughter from you, the idiots that read this garbage ass blog for morons. So here we go.
I missed the opening segment. I don't care.
A Suicide video package... I guess a guy named Suicide shouldn't really be trying to win wrestling matches, should he? Why would he care? He's suicidal yall, he ain't ambitious!
The Sheik yells something, apparently Arabs and Japs have a commonality in hating America. I hate America too. I am with the Sheik. Why does he hate Suicide? Isn't Suicide Mexican or something? What the fuck.
Hey, a wrestling match. Chris Sabin is uglier than Alex Shelley by a LOT. Homicide is 5150 en la kabeza. He has a "gangstafied" briefcase. A Japanese guy hates America! A bearded man politely and daintily applauds the hapless resident of glorious Nippon. Homicide is really good, he does a pretty crazy dive then lands on his feet and runs harmlessly into the wall to act like he too is dead. What race is Homicide anyway? I cannot tell. I will call him Puerto Rican and be done with it for I know no Ricans and I don't want to besides. The ref is bigger than the wrestlers. Homicide wins with a thunderous RKO from the toprope.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SPIKE DUDLEY AND BALLS MAHONEY ARE HERE!
Abyss is talking to Jim Cornette about something when ODB shows up. What the fuck. There's two sorts of people btw: Those who would fuck ODB and LIARSSSSSSSS. An interesting Oliver Wendell Douglas joke concludes this segment. Is there enough booze in the world to help Cornette cope with this crap?
The boringest segment ever is here.
Awesome Kong sure is... a big fat gladiator woman with MMA gloves. Are the Beautiful People the best thing in TNA? I am kind of mad Cheerleader Melissa is under a burka. The Beautiful People cut Kong's extensions and Don West quickly loses interest. So do I. I check my Facebook. Someone challenges me to an 80s movie trivia contest. I concede.
D-Von's forehead rules. Bubba does a promo on tape, then he does one to Lauren. Spike shows up! A water bottle on top of the locker falls over! Balls shows up! Balls does an impersonation of the old priest from Father Ted! Spike and Balls would rather wrestle an indy than be on TNA!
Cody Deaner rules and so does Abyss's music kind of. Daffney, marry me babe. I want to take Daffney in my arms, dip her so low, give her the most passionate kiss. She looks in my eyes, I look in hers. She invites me back to her apartment. I go back to her apartment. We do stuff there. ODB has some really inappropriate mannerisms, man. Matt Morgan, who is STILL not in the WWE for some reason, beats up Abyss.
Mick Foley high fives a random dude then says "YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about! HIGH FIVE!" Fuck you if you don't like Mick Foley.
I am gonna take a shower and miss some of Impact as I did judo tonight and my ass and crotch are probably awash in odor producing bacteria.
I return from my shower to see that Mick Foley has killed Sting and is acting crazy. Awesome.
Beer Money beats up Spike and Balls for soooooooo long. They completely obliterate them a number of times and then finally the Dudley Boys run in and chase away Beer Money. A little late, guys?
But they make up for lost time by being there after the commercial break and are really mad! They are REALLY mad!
Jeff Jarrett apparently needed another man for his team for some crap or whatever and he announces him: The 50 year old guy from the Bowflex commercial who is living his dream via being in a rock band.. That guy and Kurt Angle have a pretty decent little match, I guess, and it ends via double pin. Kurt Angle gets so mad that he calls the referee a "son of a bitch" and the ref makes the best HOW DARE YOU!?!?! face of all time. Then Kurt calls Jim Cornette a "son of a bitch" also albeit it is extremely slurred and spits on Cornette: Once inadvertently, once entirely on purpose. Cornette says the motion stands and Kurt Angle starts to choke the old man as we go to commercial. Hmm.
So.. Okay. I don't know. Jeff Jarrett reviews the tape and in the interest of fairness says that Kurt Angle actually won. Kurt Angle responds by being THE HAPPIEST MAN OF ALL TIME. He is jumping around and hugging Scott Steiner over and over. Suddenly, Samoa Joe's music hits and HE RUNS TO THE RING...
Show ends.
What?
Apparently this was one of the best Impacts in recent memory and that may well be. I've never watched a complete episode. I guess I still haven't but this is the most of any episode I've ever watched. It was.... Hmm. It wasn't horrible! There were a lot of little things that made me laugh which is more than can be said for Raw, at which I only laughed once (which was Santino nervously biting his fist.)
Well, I'll probably watch the pay per view on justin.tv so they convinced me of that much. God bless, yall.