Saturday, June 12, 2010

Daniel Bryan attempts to murder co-worker, promptly terminated

What was supposed to be the biggest break in the career of Daniel Bryan (shoot name: Daniel Bryan) might very well end being its death knell. Bryan was part of the NWO-esque beat down angle shot at the end of Raw last week in which he and his fellow NXT rookies destroyed John Cena, CM Punk, Jerry Lawler and a bunch of other, less important people. During the segment, Bryan and his shirtless cohorts demolished the ring and announcing table and raised all hell. This was designed to trick the viewers into thinking they were legit pro wres fighters and not a bunch of shitty dudes no one will ever like. National exposure and TV time should have been enough for Mr. Bryan. It wasn't. During the hubbub he decided to choke untrained ring announcer Justin Roberts with his tie. The WWE, ever the beacon of light and purity, fired him for it. In a sport built on faking fights there is no place for those sort of shenanigans, and firing Mr. Bryan was completely justified. A known proponent of the barbaric MMA and "strong-style" form of pro wrestling that claimed the life of Christopher Benoit and Misawa-san (R.I.P.), Mr. Bryan is known for his brutality both in and outside of the ring. He deserves to be fired, and in the opinion of this journalist, arrested. Perhaps this will be the wake up call Mr. Bryan is clearly in need of.

Monday, June 7, 2010

NXT Season 1 Cast Kills John Cena, Cements Place as New Spirit Squad

The NXT rookies beat the shit out of John Cena, Jerry Lawler, CM Punk, Matt Stryker, Michael Cole and destroyed the ring and Monday Night Raw set, establishing the 8 man crew as the #1 babyface in the company. The show ended with Cena being stretchered out and giving a reassuring "thumbs up" to all the 12 year old kids whose parents buy his shitty merchandise, and within moments of the rookies making it backstage HHH called for a closed door locker room meeting. We have received numerous reports of him throwing chairs and berating the new comers for "going into business for themselves" and claimed none of them "loved the biz". David Herbert Meltzer is reporting that the NXT crew is going to be humiliated and rebranded with embarrassing gimmicks. In order to meet the demand for more shitty gimmicks, the WWE has hired 2 dozen failed sitcom writers. More on this as the story develops.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


Tell yo momma, cuz shit is 'bout to get REAL.