The show opens with Mick Foley, followed by a clown, some large beaner looking dude and one of the Hebners (since we never really can tell which one is which on a count of them being TWINS). Mick then up and invites a bunch of people to the ring. Mick is wearing a leopard print shirt that looks as if it were cut out of the side of a thrift store couch. Jeff Jarrett comes out and looks none to pleased at Mick. Apparently AJ Styles is a champion of some sorts? The Legends Champ? Hmmm. Samoa Joe comes out wearing a shirt over his shoulders as opposed to his using it to cover his man tits. Mick announces the main event which happens to be a like 8 man cluster fuck and Samoa Joe punches him.
Raven is in the back with Daffney and some Stevie Richards looking dude. Is that Stevie Richards? No clue. Raven says he's going to have one of his Dr. Strangelove matches with some dude named Jethro. Color me intrigued! Raven seems to be back into fat Jim Morrison mode, which at this point is the only acceptable Raven.
Apparently Target outsourced his ass, so Shane Douglas has been attacking Daniels. Now we get DANIELS vs Amazing Red. Red is doing the STIFF LEG KICK offense that looks cool when it's not being done by a ginger midget. Red kicks Daniels in the face like a thousand times. Daniels responds like any normally sized man would respond to a child kicking him: He no sells it. Daniels wins somehow and then FRANCHISE SHANE DOUGLAS pops up on the Russotron and demands a second chance and accepts Daniels challenge! Apparently only one of them will have a job after that match! DRAMA!
Random shit backstage with some blonde ho, a large negress and some middle eastern looking chick. w/e
Matthew Morgan calls out Sting. He points out all the ways he's better than Sting, then says he didn't come out here to point out all the ways he's better than Sting. Counter productive, Matthew. Matthew says that he wants to gain respect and that Sting needs to give respect and then he challenges him to a match, I think? Sting then threatens to bite off Matthew's finger and accepts his challenge at Slamiversery and if Matthew wins he'll get Sting's spot in the Main Event Mafia. Whoa. Matthew tries to Pearl Harbor Sting and misses.
Jay Bee has Jeff Jarrett in the back. Jeff is ANGRY. Angry about MIC FOLEY. Apparently Mick is crazy and Jeffery is none too please about it!
Time for Raven's Full Metal Jacket match! OK, so Jethro= Trevor Murdoch and that really was Stevie. Jethro hits Raven with a trash can. The wall of weapons has a lot of cool shit and so Jethro grabs... a cookie sheet. Raven does the leg sweep into the guard rail spot, only much slower than usual. Raven grabs a chair and somehow ends up punching it. Jethro hits a knee to Raven and then kinda gently tosses him into the fence. Jethro dives into the cage which then falls to the ground so Raven gets the pin. Raven puts Jethro in the straight jacket and then the lobster A Chris comes out and Stevie, Raven and Daffney's tits decide to GTFO.
Dee Dubya is interviewing Samoa Joe and apparently Joe has been being ADVISED by someone. WHO CAN IT BE? TAZ? UMAGA? BETTY CROCKER? The possibilities are endless!
There is some babbling about some shit happening later and then some bitches say some bitchy stuff and then a commercial. Wait, iMPACT! is 2 hours now? When in the fuck did this happen? And Abyss talks now? WHAT IN THE FUCK!
So know there is a skank match that I have no interest in so I shall play mine sweeper in the mean time.
Team 3D are pissed off with Beer Money. And now we go to a commercial.
This Cody Deaner I've heard so much about appears to be a real hoot! Jay Lethal is still doing the Savage thing, so at least somethings in TNA never change. The Machine Guns are still kinda non threatening. Another commercial.
Beer Money and Team 3-D are having an adult oriented conversation about
Jay Lethal and some Creed dude enter the ring and they look happy! They're going to be tagging with the Machine Guns who are the holders of some nip nong tag belts. Team 3-D and beer money brawl out to the ring. Daniels, I, uh, mean SUICIDE attacks the Guns. 3-D gets the win.
Joe and AJ are backstage and Joe PROMISES AJ that he has his back which leads me to believe that he does NOT have AJ's best interest in mind. Jesus Christ, this shit is long.
Gay Bee is talking to Mick Foley. Billy Gunn comes in and says something or rather. Dee Dubya and Tenay do the hard sell for the PPV. Now Gay Bee is talking to Kurt Angle. A 3 Doors Down Geico Caveman comercial airs, and honestly, it's kinda funny. Maybe it only seems funny compared to TNA.
Time for the main event 249233689832 man cluster fuck! This match is basically Joe, AJ, and a half dozen broken down guys. Angle reverses a Stroke into an ankle lock. Mick Foley decides to join the announce team, some other shit happens and then a commercial. Mick keeps shining Jeff on when he needs to make a tag. Is Jarrett a face? Jeff decks Foley. Joe hits the muscle buster on Angle and gets the win. Joe and AJ embrace! Joe really DID have AJ's back!
Fuck TNA so hard.