Saturday, April 18, 2009

Hey, I watched Superstars

I've had this "WGN America" on my cable for fuck knows how long. No HDNet, so I can't watch mongoloids like Nigel McGuinness wade in the ocean in homoerotic vignettes with sultry voiceovers that "put over" how "the boys" (usually in "the back") "bust their asses" for "the business." But I digress. I have no HDNet on my Comcast digital, but I do have WGN America, which I have never watched until now. What the fuck is the Bob and Tom show?

And the show starts with another montage of pretty men and women set to the familar strains of Nickelback/3 Doors Down/Creed/whatever that ugly retard Kevin Dunn thinks has been hip for the past 8 years. Jesus fuck, every opener on every WWE show is the same. AND I WONT BE DENIIIIIIED / FOR ALL I'VE GOT LEFT IS MY PRIIIIIIIIDE. Fuck, man, listen to Court Bauer and get some Flo Rida or some other dusky gentleman to talk about their money and cars and bitches over a beat or something along those lines.

The Undertaker gets the opening spot to start the new show. He walks slow to the ring and I wonder if it's part of his gimmick or if it's just because he's really fucking beat up. Grapz Nooz says he was all shot to shit like 10 years ago. Mark Calloway (shoot names have now been uttered) is an inspiration to dudes like me, a few years away from that big four oh and contemplating at least some low-level growth hormone use.

I CAN SLAP A TORNADOOOOOO. What the fuck does that mean? Fatt Hardy (The Zaftig Diablo) (The Gut Will Become a Symbol) is out with his Sgt. Pepper's jacket to be tonight's competition.

The camera gets a closeup of Undertaker and it appears he's off his Just For Men cycle. No play for Mr. gray, son. Your beard looks weird. Remember when WWE shit on WCW for having all these old guys on their show? Well tonight's PREMIERE of a new program features 'Taker (44), Finlay (51), and Shane McMahon (39). Just sayin.

Fuck this is getting longer than I thought. Above average match, both these guys are good at what they do, even though Hardy made a bad choice to switch to tights and looks like Jake the Snake if you squint a little. Fatt bails on a chokeslam for a lame countout, Jeff meanders out to chase him back in to the ring, poorly edited chokeslam, etc.

Hey The Teacher and Tony Montana are out for the ECW match. It's Finlay vs Christian for a shot at the ECW title at Backlash. Finlay is in half decent shape for a guy who is receiving the AARP newsletter in the mail and grumbling every time he sees it. Again, an inspiration blahblahblah growth hormone etc. Christian's music sounds like it's sung by a dude who does anime voiceovers. Shameful.

They have a dull, short match. OMG CHRISTIAN HAS GOOD STRIKES HE SHOULD WORK MEMPHIS. I look at Christian's haircut and wonder, if I go shorter, will that finally solve my cowlick issues? Christian wins with The Unprettier/Killswitch/move that looked cool on the indies in 1995 and the HHH/Booker T burial pin. Christian and Finlay UPHOLD THE CODE OF HONOR by shaking hands. Christ. At this point I truly notice how skinny Christian's arms are. This kid has no chance.

Shane McMahon vs Cody Rhodes is your main event. When I was just a youngun watching such as One Man Gang squash Ricky Ataki on the original syndicated Superstars program (Saturdays at 11:30pm in Baltimore I seem to recall), if you would have told me that, years later, I'd be watching Dusty Rhodes' son wrestle Vince McMahon's son on this show....okay,I don't even know where this is going. It's just a weird, dumb thing. I fast forwarded this because there's only so much I can take. I think Shane was DQ'd for unleashing violence with a chair.

Okay show, I guess. With all the PRODUCT they already have on TV, it's pretty unnecessary, though, except as a placeholder for Smackdown when MyNetwork finally goes tits up for good. Until then, I'll wait for the time when they lose interest and this becomes Velocity Mark II and we get the long awaited Jamie Noble vs Zach Rider best of 7 series.

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