Monday Night Raw Monday the 13th, The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand And Nine

The Big News: This show sucked.
Add ~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~! anywhere you see fit to make this a more vibrant and punchy affair.
A video package opens Raw, reminding us that Randy Orton has trouble killing Vince but then eventually he does and that he is a bad person. And at Backlash, Randy Orton and the guys no one cares about will fight Triple H and Friends.
Backlash, more like WACKlash, ha ha ha.
Yay Batista is here. This man, this Batista, he has incredible traps. Such traps. We are reminded that Randy Orton made Batista go away, a fact I did not actually really know because who remembers stuff from 4 months ago in WWE. Batista is at first timid, then he is angry. Shane comes out dancing, but then also he is angry. And Triple H is just angry. This is so boring and stupid but fortunately Vickie comes out to SAVE.US. She announces that these three guys will fight Randy Orton's random crappy friends and there's some stipulation at stake but I have ceased paying attention because one of my cats is being cute as hell.
Why doesn't Rey magically pop out of the ground anymore? Now he just gently headbutts children. Ooh Evan Bourne, you are so handsome. Apparently lucha libre AND puroresu styles are at play in this match and Rey's puroresu wins the match and Raw gets to have MVP do his stupid finishing move for them. Will they now unify the IC and US titles? Maybe!
Kane is scary! And he sucks and I hate him. THE Brian Kendrick is possibly the greatest guy in the entire WWE as he arrogantly dances to the ring. The random scrub with JR calls Kendrick an underdog. BULLSHIT he is. Kane scores the shocking upset win and my main man, the Big Show, comes to Raw and Kane nods sort of approvingly at him.
Vickie is SO excited to be here. This woman is great, how dare anyone boo her. Vickie has Chavo's back against Randy Orton, proving that she is a loyal woman of honor. Some crap happens, I dunno.
Jack Swagger sasses John Cena, who in turn sasses Jack Swagger. I am going to make dinner, if I miss the divas, I miss the divas.
I miss the divas!
I have never seen this Swagger wrestle before and he is, I think, pretty good. During this match my cats also put on a little grappling contest but it lacks psychology and has a screwjob finish as they both just sort of... go away from each other. ** and I'm being generous cuz they're ~mah lil babies~ Cena gets Swagger in the FU in an innovative way and the badly depleted Raw roster gets an awesome Matt Hardy and the terrible crappy no one cares about him HHH. Will all of these titles soon be unified, that is what I wonder now.
Hey why doesn't Randy Orton attack his own dudes to get them the DQ win and then he gets what he wants and is happy? That's just a lil thought here from your humble recapper.
Aww, poor lil Santino is here to face the dreaded Great Khali. But wait! Beth Phoenix, the love of my life, is here to make some announcement. She is kind of great on the mic. She is also great in my heart. How a woman can be great in ones heart I cannot say but it is so. CM Punk is headed to Smackdown to single handedly save the brand from extinction.
This show is only half over and I am so tired of it.
I was telling a friend how great the Miz is and she did not believe me but it is true so suck it, friend. Kofi Kingston is not so great, I have never told anyone about him. This is the longest match in the entire world and it ends with the Miz himself getting drafted to Raw and somehow becoming even more heel by killing John Morrison. Why not, I guess.
What I had been wanting here was a tri brand battle royal with some of the WWE's most crappy wrestlers and lucky for me that is what I get. This show sucks. Why does Edge care if Smackdown gets anymore wrestlers? He should want less. But he does and he wins and so he gets Kane who sucks and Chris Jericho who is a Canadian midget.
This show is still not over, but shitty wrestlers no one cares about are still on my TV. Why isn't this show over? I want this show to be over. This show is literally the big bad show tonight. Christian beats that one guy and ECW gets another guy.
I missed something, I don't care.
CM Punk, newly minted Smackdown superstar, is going to wrestle Matt Hardy, newly minted Raw superstar. Matt's new heel look includes a vampire-esque hairline and keys on his tights. He also mocks the Wanderlei wrist roll, made famous by one Phil Brooks. (Shoot names have now been uttered.) Jeff Hardy ruins it for Punk and thus Raw gets ANOTHER pick and it's...uh... this girl.
Now for whatever reason, Tommy Dreamer aka Mike Dikk's favorite wrestler gets to get beaten by Chris Jericho. Smackdown gets the diminutive Rey Misterio, a Mexican dwarf with a heart of gold.
The main event happens, whatever.
This show sucked.