ECW: The 8 person fed.

I am back for this 4/28 episode of ECW. It's hot, my shins hurt and my stomach feels like it's full of hammers. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be spending time with a babe on a rooftop somewhere. So lonely.

ECW starts with Christian the NEW ECDub champ coming out to talk about some things! Then he is interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who is....wearing a dress suit!!! Hahaha, does Tommy Dreamer always wear dress suits now? It's so weird to see him out of his usual black t shirt and swish pants. Hey, remember those two months where they gave Tommy Dreamer that gimmick where he would eat weird stuff? That was such a good gimmick!
So yeah Tommy Dreamer is like "I am retiring in 6 weeks and I want to win the ECDub title one more time" and I bet Andrew is real sad about this because Tommy Dreamer is his favorite wrestler. THEN, Tommy starts shoot cwying wike a wittle fucken babby about NYC and MSG and The HISTORY (oh this is taking place in MSG) and then Christins like "Ok dude stop being bitch about this. I will give you a title match here TONIGHT in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

THEN Jack Motherfucking Swagger comes out with his Biggie Smalls eyes all like ITS ALL GOOD BABAY BABAY! and he's like NO ONE CAN GET A TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME, but then Bad Actress Tifany comes OUT (SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT HO LY SHIT! HO LY SHIT!) and she's like FUCK THAT TOMMY DREAMER AND CHRISTIAN ARE HAVING A MATCH TONIGHT.

So then I do something unprecedented and I go make a sandwich. I like to put potato chips on my sandwiches. Does that make me a fat kid? The answer is "probably"!

I'm back and FInlay is fighting the Merkin dude Tyson Kidd, who is maybe the gayest looking wrestler on all of TV. he even wears pink booty shorts. This was a pretty good match from what I saw, as there were MOVES and PSYCHOLOGIES and SELLING, The best part was Finaly actually doing a vintage AKI-MAN reversal by spinning on the top of his head to get out of a leg lock! E C DUB E C DUB! Then Tyson gets the dastardly win by hitting FInlays fucked up knee with a Shilalaleigh (sp) BEHIND THE REFS BACK.

After commercial, KOZLOV comes out to the Ramp and he's dressed like M.Bison. There is no real explanation for this. He comes out and says some shit in russian about World Domination and bounces. It was literally 30 seconds. I hope this is leading to a whole Street Fighter crew of wrestlers.

They show Matt Striker and the other guy at the announce table and those dudes sit REAAALLLL close to each other. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They introduce a new member of the ECDub announce team, GREG SHANE HELMS! Haha, I guess it's better than being fired. Helms is interviewing Evan Bourne and then Paul Burchill come sout to interrupt him because they have to make sure all 8 ECDub wrestlers appear on every show I guess. Man Burchill's sister is doable.

Wow, it's already time for the MAIN EVENT which is still unfortunately Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy is wearing some kind of really weird tye dye zebra print shiny swish pants and I don't know if this is a normal thing for him just like the dress suits. He looks like an asshole for sure. I try not to watch Tommy Dreamer matches because he's the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling, so I close my eyes and lay face down for a while, just listening to the announcers call the match like in the olden days when young pups would listen to the wrestling matches on the ol' transistor radio. Unfortunately, this match is long and I'm about to fall asleep so I have to sit up and actually watch this shit. Honestly from what I saw, it wasn't that bad for a Tommy Dreamer match that didn't include garbage cans and ladders. After a while it looks like Tommy Dreamer is gonna beat Christian (haha yeah ok) and Jack Swagger comes in and FUCKS EVERYONE UP. DQ THE END.

I will be much more excited about watching ECW in 6 weeks when Tommy Dreamer can never be on it again.