Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Raw O'Clock

What the hell, it's Raw O'Clock!
Sooooooooooo uhhh Vickie Guerrero is out to be shrill and introduce Randy Orton. Randy Orton is out to remind us he is evil and has killed every single McMahon except Linda and the babies. Hopefully they're next. Then he is like "Every wrestler on Raw answers to ME!" and MVP comes out and is all "Oh no you didn't!" and then they're going to wrestle later on tonight. So MVP is the new King Jobber, I guess.
Speaking of jobbers, The Brian Kendrick (who calls Lillian Garcia "dollface" which is the best condescending thing to say to women) loses to Bombaclad Stylee Kingston James. I don't even know why this match happened. Then Vickie breaks Big Show's gigantic heart by telling him they must keep it strictly professional. Sorry big guy, I feel for you.
Let's see, what the fuck is next. I think this was Santina's team of Santina and some hoes vs an awesome team of both Beth Phoenix AND Maryse. Mike Dikk is hating on me right now cuz I saw Maryse be weird. There was some antics in this match and the twin chicks are friends again. I don't know how that happened but it's okay. The twin chicks are like hot girl Hornswoggles or something, I've never really seen them do their schtick before. Also the real Hornswoggle was in this. And Santina won with a roll up, further cementing her as the most dominant female wrestler of all time. I hope they bring in Aja Kong to job to Santina. Why have I written so much about this.
A butthurt and greasy Matt Hardy is out, doing a promo about how he broke his metacarpal last night in his crapass garbage match for trash idiots that he had last night. Matt Hardy was sounding like he was going to cry which I hope is a permanent new gimmick. Then Goldust came out who is, apparently, still under WWE contract. Matt Hardy runs around, then hits Goldust with the brutal force of a broken limb. There was that. Who even knows.
Montel Vontavius Porter the highest paid free agent in the WWE making more money than even John Cena wrestled against the Sinister Randy Orton. This was a pretty good match actually, I thought MVP was gonna get just shat on but he hung in there and never even really lost because Shane McMahon ran in and was just having a great old time swinging a kendo stick around. Then he ran away through the audience and was all like YO HERE I AM and then his music played so I guess he won the match.
Thanks to the Veer Union.
I don't think I missed anything but I feel like there was something before THE MIZ segment but who cares because the Miz segment was so awesome. The Miz was saying "Hey yall I am new here and I want to beat John Cena!" so then he won by forfeit because John Cena was killed last night. Then he yelled at Lillian Garcia, which made it 2 for 2 abusive Lillian Garcia segments tonight. A hell of a show. Later, we learned that John Cena WAS there so he was actually just scared as hell of the Miz.
The Colon Bros who are now the default best bro tag team in the WWE wrestled Jamie Noble who is doing a like 155 pound UFC guy gimmick and Chavo Guerrero. Chavo and Jamie Noble didn't win this match but I certainly did enjoy it. I used to think Carlito was so lousy but I guess I was wrong because he's kind of awesome. I am man enough to admit that.
So then the main event was Batista vs. the Big Show and this was the worst thing on the show because both guys need to wrestle someone they can really just impressively throw around and neither of these guys can throw around the other. I started paying a lot of attention to my fishtank during this match, and that shit is awesome. This one fish has a cave and he doesn't want anything going near that cave. I'm gonna make like 5 more caves and really twist his melon. So anyway whatever, John Cena came out and just stared at the Big Show mean as hell. Big Show got counted out because of that and everyone was like OH SHIT.
This wasn't a bad episode of Raw at all, really. I like when midcard guys start to get pushed a lot just because usually they do something kind of awesome at some point on the ascent so I am hoping the Miz, like, hits John Cena with a car. Thank you all for reading this, my friends! :)

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