Hey everybooooody, it's me!
It's your host with mostest, Bobby Lashley! Wasn't that pay-per-view something? When Kurt Angle was so excited to see me I knew I made the right choice! I know some of you were disappointed I wasn't Taz but I ask you, and in all seriousness, why?
I myself was disappointed that Taz was not from Tasmania and he didn't spin around furiously in a circle when he went to the ring. Talk about buyer: beware!
I am glad that all you speculators have found out the truth and that I am not giving up my dream to be in Mumma and that I am training like Jon Hamm (get it? MAD MAN!) to fight in the real world!
I'd also like to clarify the rumors that I am on the juice? A: Sure! I'm on the juice....kick! That's right, me and my darling Kristal have opened a smoothie chain!
I have asked my friend Paul Heyman, who is super duper good at hiding weaknesses and accentuating strengths, for advice to run the smoothie.
He suggested that we capitalize on the vampire phenomenon and make one of our drinks blood-red. He also suggested that Humberto, our juicemaker, to never face the customers, for his eczema will hurt our business. Thanks Paul!
Now, it seems to me that a bunch of other pro wrestlers are jumping on the Mumma bandwagon and have decided to train in meeky freeky mixed martial arts. American Dragon Bryan Danielson is one of them. Let me tell you, brother, you're in for a world of hurt. Firstly you start missing your friends like TGK (The Great Khali for all you marks). One time I had the pleasure of watching him bang a rat and let me tell you was it a blast! His thingy looked like Joe Camel was vomiting horchata! At least he has a new manager, the bassist from No Doubt. It's a match made in heaven because that guy wrote the song "Don't Speak", right? lOLOL
Secondly, it's OUCH CITY when they hit you for real! I'm used to it now and your DNA starts flowing like the Titanic (It makes me feel alive!) but let me tell you the first time it's like if Reality wrote a check to Bobby "Blastmaster" Lashley (Get it? REALITY CHECK!). After one training, I had an booboo that looked like the bumpies on Kristal's poontang!
But there are perks, like not working with Vince McMahon and JBL and those mean dudes! American Bryan let me tell you I wish you the best of luck!
I am looking forward to working with TNA because they give me the freedom to do the real world fighting and it's the best of both worlds. But let me tell you right now Jeff Jarrett I will be ready to take you down and all my little Lashley Kids will have my back you bet your ass! Same goes to Bob Sapp. There can only be one Bobby in the universe! And who will it be? A: That's ME!!