Whee yay it's time for Monday Night Raw, my favorite show in the whole entire world!
Chris Jericho comes out in a pinstriped suit and is all like "Hey I'm a good guy it's you fans that are the jerks!" and they're all like "BOO!" and then some chingchong music plays and I was like "TAKA Michinoku?" But no, it was actually Ricky Steamboat who does an interesting thing where he says two words like they're one: Chrericho, for example. Chrericho wants to wrestle Ramboat at whatever the shit the next pay per view is called but then John Cena comes out and is all "Hey everyone I'm a good guy!" and then Ricky Steamboat accepts the match and John Cena is like "Oh hey Chris Jericho tonight I get to wrestle you!" and Jericho makes shifty eyes.
The hapless Chavo Guerrero comes out and I'm not gonna lie, I miss his promo because I went to get a lil snack ^_^. But I assume he said something really inflammatory because then Batista comes out and just squashes the hell out of Chavo. At this point, Chavo mewls out a sniveling apology to an absent Vickie Guerrero and gets powerbombed AGAIN but this time he holds onto the mic for the whole thing which was awesome. Batista's been back two weeks and I'm already so tired of him.
Backstage, Batista and Shane McMahon exchange some sexual tension.
TI Friday's loving superstar xCM Punkx and THE BIG RED MACHINE have a wrestling match wherein nothing much happens and then Charles Manson Punk rolls up Kane out of a chokeslam. It was the sloppiest and worst roll up ever but a win's a win I guess. Afterwards, Kane gives CM Punk a creepy smile.
With the stupidest and fakest unibrow imaginable, Santino comes out to interview his own sister about how she has herpes and can't kiss the Great Khali. Somehow, Beth Phoenix psychically predicted this turn of events and has made it so the Great Khali gets to kiss Santina on the whatever pay per view. Then Melina comes out to wrestle Beth Phoenix. Picture me giving a damn, I said never.
So after last week when the Miz and Kofi had the longest match ever and last night when Matt Morgan and Abyss had the longest match ever, John Cena and Chris Jericho had the longest match ever. The crucial difference was that this match did not suck. It went on and on and it was fun to watch and then shitty ass Edge showed up and ruined it and put a chair under Cena's head and then hit that chair with another chair. Remember when Edge debuted and he was a vampire? Well, he looked so much like a vampire tonight. He should have been wearing a velvet shirt with laces and been skulking around New Orleans, so vampiric was he.
Then I took a shower!
The Big Show shaking his head bemusedly at Rey Misterio is what I return to. And that mirthful contempt proved accurate as the Big Show rightfully treats the tiny Mexican like the jobber he is. Afterwards, the Big Show shows his acting chops by looking on in wrathful contempt. I don't know what the point of this was except to job Rey out to everyone. Oh, I almost forgot that Rey gave a 619 to Big Show's butt.
Then Randy Orton's boys were saying something and I will say this about every wrestler because it's true but it's especially true for Cody Rhodes: Dude needs to get on the gas. That is one scrawny ass dude and it's no fun looking at wrestlers who don't look like they might die any minute. Anyway Randy Orton said that he was awesome or something and the dudes agreed. I guess.
So the main event was HHH vs Randy Orton in a no disqualification match and it was a LOT better than their match at Wrestlemania. Stuff actually happened and they did moves and it was exciting. As it ended, all the guys in the upcoming six man came out and the faces had problems getting along and the heels snuck out a win and it just made sense. It was sensible! The good guys are kind of stupid and really over eager and the bad guys are nefarious and have intricate plots that involve eye raking and being arm in arm. There aren't even any real jokes to be made because it was just so like... there it was. An infinitely better show that last week which was the worst Raw in the history of the show.