Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Kennedy Drafted To Raw, lulz to follow

6-3-94 Raw Supplemental Draft Coverage!

Ken "Mr." Kennedy (SHOOTNAME Anderson) has been drafted to Raw. Career highlights of this exciting superstar:

  • Loses "Money in the Bank" push (biggest push of his career at the time) due to injury that he thought was worse than it was
  • Loses "McMahon's illegitimate son" push (biggest push of his career at the time) due to being popped for DRUGZ
  • Made second career out of placing his foot in his mouth in numerous TV and magazine interviews when speaking on the subject of steroids and fake fighting
  • On the shelf longer and more often than Mike Sweetser's mint-in-box Optimus Prime toy
  • Grapz Noooz indicate he might not make it back from his latest injuries
Not since (insert random Von Erich here) has a superstar pissed away so much potential in such a short time. We at 6-3-94 anxiously await this exciting star's (possible) return to the ring on Monday Night Raw!

(please note, if Kennedy can't come back from this latest round of injuries, we have been assured that friends are monitoring their phones for news of his physical location)


  • Shad Gaspard to Smackdown: Reverend D-Von 2K9?
  • Alicia Fox to Smackdown: BLIND ITEM - what former Olympic Hero and avowed lover of more dusky lasses is "angling" for a return to WWE? Is it true? Is it true?
  • Primo Colon to Raw: In Puerto Rican, his name means "#1 Anus." Now that he's on the flagship show, the PG-rated WWE will need to change his name. We recommend something whitebread, like "Davey Richards," maybe.
  • Mike Knox to Smackdown: Fuck you if you think I'll make a dumb joke here. Mike Knox is awesome.
  • Ezekiel Jackson to ECW: Brian Kendrick to return to gay porn ("Dragon Gate U.S.")
  • Nikki Bella to Raw: Batista's cock drafted to Nikki's gash, Orton's poo drafted to Nikki's carry-on
  • Candace Michelle to Smackdown: Smackdown referees are practicing "throwing the x" while medical staff stands at yellow alert
  • Zach Ryder to ECW: over/under on the number of jobs he does until being wished well in his future endeavors: 3
  • Chavo Guerrero to Raw: the world yearns for the return of Kerwin White
  • Ricky Ortiz to Smackdown: WWE understands their misstep in taking Rey (drafted to Raw last year) and Eddie (drafted to wrestling heaven where he's waiting for Kurt Angle) off Smackdown and is trying to make amends to its off-white viewership.
  • Layla to Smackdown: I don't even know who this is.
CONTRIBUTER IV taking over for FH for the 2nd leg of the draft:

  • Hornswaggle to Raw: Expect a monumental inter-promotional trade where Hornswaggle gets traded to ROH so he can fight people his own size.
  • DH Smith to ECW: Many speculate this is leading to a new version of The Hart Foundation, but my sources tell me this is the beginning of a new Baseball-centric stable along with newcomers SS Brown, OF Johnson and 2B Jones
  • John Morrison to Smackdown: I only know Morrison as the guy that got to hold the ECW title because Benoit hit the Abort button on Mission: Life, and I can't expect much out of a guy that has to live with that for the rest of his life.
  • Carlito to Raw: Probably a backstage powermove by Carlito because Cinco De Mayo falls on a Tuesday (Smackdown taping day) this year and you don't want to be on the wrong end of a Puerto Rican who is not allowed to be shithouse drunk on Cinco De Mayo.
  • Natayla to ECW: I already shot off my Hart Foundation namedrop with that DH Smith joke up above so I don't have much to say here outside of speculating whether or not Natayla's nether regions resemble her Dad's famous goatee but that kind of humor is so below me. I apologize.
  • Festus to Raw: Raw was really losing the retard viewership ever since firing Eugene. Wait, what am I saying? Raw will never lose the retard viewership.
  • JTG To Smackdown: Smackdown not only wants to lock down the Latino demographic but also the black demographic. WWE is not one to put all of their eggs in one basket, so when MyNetwork goes under, Smackdown will have a chance to be picked up by Univision OR BET now.
  • Dolph Ziggler to Smackdown: I had to do a Google search to see who this guy was and all I can think of is that he looks like Beth Phoenix with slightly smaller tits.
  • The Brian Kendrick to Raw: Because Raw needed some fresh faces for their jobber lumberjack and jobber battle royal matches.
  • Charlie Haas to Smackdown: oh man, wrestler imitations.
  • Hurricane Helms to ECW: WWE's veteran tiny jobber guy is no doubt going to ECW to teach the newer tiny jobbers guys how to handle unemployment in these tough economic times.
  • Brie Bella to RAW: Batista now looking for a steroid that helps you grow an extra dick.

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