Friday, April 24, 2009

I HATE MY LIFE: A Smackdown Review

Well, I have never watched an episode of Smackdown since it got moved to Friday nights however long ago because there is nothing sadder than sitting at home alone on a Friday night and watching wrestling. Actually there is: sitting at home alone on a Friday night and watching wrestling THEN immediately blogging about it!
You see, this is not my normal routine. It just so happened the world needed a blog about wrestling at the same exact time I became temporarily exiled from society and had to sit home by myself on Friday nights due to unmentionable circumstances. So I promise you,, you will get one, MAYBE two of these Smackdown posts out of me and then never fucking again or I swear to god I will slit my wrists. If any loser wants to write about Smackdwon on Friday nights for this world famous blog, please e-mail the address in the upper right hand corner and be funny.

So ok, first I have to find out what channel Smackdown is even on. It turns out Smackdown is on WWOR TV Channel 9! Former home to Richard Bey, Howard Stern and Steampipe Alley (shoot gay)!! I guess Channel 9 is like a semi-real network now. Uhhh, good for them!

Well I turn it on a little early and I catch the tail end of a show called Taylor Perry's House of Pain and it seems to be about how these old dudes have caught a fat black child masturbating in the bathroom and they are telling him how to not go about getting caught in the future. This was a real thought provoking ten minutes of television.

Ok Smackdown is starting and Edge is coming out to make a very heartfelt super serious speech about his ongoing feud with John Cena. I have no jokes for this at all and I can already tell this is going to be a long lonely night that will most likely end with a sticky mess in a random sock.

There are commercials for all of the new Channel 9 Network shows and they are all hella suspect. There's one show just called JAIL, and I believe another one called FUNNY TV PATROL Starring Arsenio Hall.

Now we have Matt Hardy & Kane vs. xCMx xPunkX & Jeff Hardy. Jeff and Matt apparently hate each other now. I'm not sure why, but if I were to guess by the looks of Matt, it would be because Matt has eaten all of Jeff's Snacks! This Jeff Hardy CM Punk collabo is kind of interesting because it's like the wrestling representation of a 1990's mall kid (Hardy) with the 2000's representation of a mall kid (Punk). Excuse me but I have to be real with Punk & Hardy for a second. First Jeff, no one wears JNCO's anymore bro, and how old are you anyway? Like 34? Just fucking quit it. Secondly Punk, no one listens to Killswitch Engage anymore bro. It may be the least irritating music in the WWE and I guess it's good that it's not fucking PSYCHOSTICK, and I respect that you made some goober ass fat kids from fucking North Dakota super stoked to be straight edge, but you're ruining everything. Stop carrying a fucking briefcase to the ring too.
So Matt ends up getting a dastardly roll up on Jeff leading to a win and Jeff is now even more pissed at Matt because he is still the master of the snacks.

Ooooh, a five minute long sensual montage explaining the Orton/HHH/Shane Mcmahon/Batista/Legacy feud in fuzzy slow motion detail. "I'm getting too old for this shit" -- Danny Glover.

Now we have Big Show vs. Undertaker and the guy who is not Jim Ross keeps calling this the main event and it's only 8:40 and I start to get really worried this match is going to go on for an hour and twenty minutes. Like, I'm biting my nails and shit. I have a new found interest in Undertaker ever since his WM25 match though. See, I haven't watched an Undertaker match in over five years and had no idea he became an MMA fighter until the Shawn Michaels match. I'm not sure why one would need to learn the ways of MMA when you already have mystical paranormal powers, but hey whatever.
The story in this match is that The Undertaker is THE BIG DOG MMA KING SHIT sort of like Randy Couture because they are both old as fuck and I guess Big Show's new gimmick is that he punches people and knocks them out. Ohhhh boy. These dudes really fucking suck at punching each other especially because both of their gimmicks are BEING REALLY GOOD AT PUNCHING. They punch like fucking baby bitches and why the Hell does The Undertaker always look sunburned? What the fuck does he do on his off time to get that look? Hey man, get some sunblock or I don't know, stop sticking your fucking head out of the car like a dog while you're driving.
So this match goes on for way too long and I start to Google search for images for this post, and like any grown ass man, I have Google safe search turned OFF, which means when you search for anything, you have a 99% chance of seeing hot tits, so I get distracted for quite a while. I look up in time to see that The Big Show delivers one of his baby bitch knockout punches to the Undertaker while he's trying to perform "Old School" and it fucks up the Undertaker big time. Then the Undertaker slowly gets up and Big Show gingerly punches him again for the KNOCKOUT, then Big Show's all like YOU MAD CUZ IM STYLIN ON YOU. After a while Undertaker gets up and he's so wobbly and I can't believe Big Show just made Undertaker look like such a bitch, but then UT puts up his dukes and he's like COME ON FRUIT, and he punches Big Show a few times and Show scurries out of the ring laughing all like YOU MAD YOU MAD YOU MAD!

Time for Maryse vs. Gail Kim. I don't mean to get all racial here, but you can easily tell what type of Asian Gail Kim is because she has a panface (Korean). I'm not hating or anything. I would like nothing more than to kiss and nuzzle and cuddle with a sweet little Asian girl. If the internet has taught me anything, it's that an Asian woman is the most coveted trophy a white man like me could ever aquire.
Maryse is like the sassiest bitch ever and she's so awesome. Everything she does, she has this face on like FUCK IT I KNOW THIS SHIT IS FAKE. She is amazing, second only to the one homie Sara Del Rey. She kicks Gail Kim's ass and does her DDT finisher, and I was totally expecting a COCKY PIN, but she has an even better pin where she kind of half sprawls out on Gail's body as if they just had amazing sex and mushes her face. Then when she gets the 3 count she does the WHAT BITCH hand gesture to Gail Kim. Maryse is the most amazing WWE lady wrestler. I'm so glad she is on Raw now so I have a chance to see her again.

Oh, A weird Jeff Hardy promo, where he looks like he's inside of that weird playpen thing they used to have at the Discovery Zone, except an EVIL TWIZTED VERSION!

MVP is out and I guess those squawking cunts on The View were talking about him. Don't even get me started on those bitches. DON'T. EVEN. GET. ME. STARTED. He has a match with...hahaha Chavo Guerrero! I didn't even know he was still a wrestler! I think it's safe to guess who won this match! Afterward, Beth Pheonix's brother Dolph Ziggler comes out in his cakeboy pleather outfit and he has a more feminine voice than his Sister! I guess this dude wants to scrap with MVP at a future time. OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT (sike).

There is a John Cena promo where he compares his feud with Edge to The Yankees Red Sox feud. COME ON DUDE.

FINALLY, The real Main Event! Shane Mcmahon and THE ANIMAL BATISTA vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase jr. There is nothing good that can be said about this match except at one point Jim Ross says "Mcmahon and Dibiase: Two amazing names in this genre!". What does that even mean? Jim Ross slowly slipping into John Madden levels of nonsense Diarrhea mouth. After that gem, I start talking to my friend about my uncanny ability to detect which girls do and don't hassle you about giving blowjobs. Then the good guy team wins. THUMBS DOWN SMACKDOWN. SHAME ON YOU.