ECW: The 8 person fed.

I am back for this 4/28 episode of ECW. It's hot, my shins hurt and my stomach feels like it's full of hammers. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be spending time with a babe on a rooftop somewhere. So lonely.

ECW starts with Christian the NEW ECDub champ coming out to talk about some things! Then he is interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who is....wearing a dress suit!!! Hahaha, does Tommy Dreamer always wear dress suits now? It's so weird to see him out of his usual black t shirt and swish pants. Hey, remember those two months where they gave Tommy Dreamer that gimmick where he would eat weird stuff? That was such a good gimmick!
So yeah Tommy Dreamer is like "I am retiring in 6 weeks and I want to win the ECDub title one more time" and I bet Andrew is real sad about this because Tommy Dreamer is his favorite wrestler. THEN, Tommy starts shoot cwying wike a wittle fucken babby about NYC and MSG and The HISTORY (oh this is taking place in MSG) and then Christins like "Ok dude stop being bitch about this. I will give you a title match here TONIGHT in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

THEN Jack Motherfucking Swagger comes out with his Biggie Smalls eyes all like ITS ALL GOOD BABAY BABAY! and he's like NO ONE CAN GET A TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME, but then Bad Actress Tifany comes OUT (SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT HO LY SHIT! HO LY SHIT!) and she's like FUCK THAT TOMMY DREAMER AND CHRISTIAN ARE HAVING A MATCH TONIGHT.

So then I do something unprecedented and I go make a sandwich. I like to put potato chips on my sandwiches. Does that make me a fat kid? The answer is "probably"!

I'm back and FInlay is fighting the Merkin dude Tyson Kidd, who is maybe the gayest looking wrestler on all of TV. he even wears pink booty shorts. This was a pretty good match from what I saw, as there were MOVES and PSYCHOLOGIES and SELLING, The best part was Finaly actually doing a vintage AKI-MAN reversal by spinning on the top of his head to get out of a leg lock! E C DUB E C DUB! Then Tyson gets the dastardly win by hitting FInlays fucked up knee with a Shilalaleigh (sp) BEHIND THE REFS BACK.

After commercial, KOZLOV comes out to the Ramp and he's dressed like M.Bison. There is no real explanation for this. He comes out and says some shit in russian about World Domination and bounces. It was literally 30 seconds. I hope this is leading to a whole Street Fighter crew of wrestlers.

They show Matt Striker and the other guy at the announce table and those dudes sit REAAALLLL close to each other. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They introduce a new member of the ECDub announce team, GREG SHANE HELMS! Haha, I guess it's better than being fired. Helms is interviewing Evan Bourne and then Paul Burchill come sout to interrupt him because they have to make sure all 8 ECDub wrestlers appear on every show I guess. Man Burchill's sister is doable.

Wow, it's already time for the MAIN EVENT which is still unfortunately Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy is wearing some kind of really weird tye dye zebra print shiny swish pants and I don't know if this is a normal thing for him just like the dress suits. He looks like an asshole for sure. I try not to watch Tommy Dreamer matches because he's the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling, so I close my eyes and lay face down for a while, just listening to the announcers call the match like in the olden days when young pups would listen to the wrestling matches on the ol' transistor radio. Unfortunately, this match is long and I'm about to fall asleep so I have to sit up and actually watch this shit. Honestly from what I saw, it wasn't that bad for a Tommy Dreamer match that didn't include garbage cans and ladders. After a while it looks like Tommy Dreamer is gonna beat Christian (haha yeah ok) and Jack Swagger comes in and FUCKS EVERYONE UP. DQ THE END.

I will be much more excited about watching ECW in 6 weeks when Tommy Dreamer can never be on it again.

I HATE MY LIFE: A Smackdown Review

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Week Old ROH Recap Bonanza

Ok so I'm not cool enough to have HDNet, but some guy on Youtube has permission to post the ROH on HDNet episodes a few days after they air, which means I will be recapping a weekly show one week late that features wrestling that was recorded like 3 months ago. SO basically this is pointless.

Anyway, you can go here to watch all of this shit if you feel the need to.

Here is your 4/11/2009 Episode recap of ROH ON HDNet

Show opens with our hosts Mike Hogwood and Dave Prazak in the ROH WAR ROOM (i.e. some room with a bunch of TV monitors in it, or they could be in a room with a green screen that's projecting a room with a bunch of TV monitors in it. I don't know). Both men look like creepo pedo touchers but Hogwood looks like your more traditional creepy pedo toucher who keeps polaroids of young boys in Underoos in his tool shed behind the box he keeps his drill bits and screws in ,while Prazak looks more like your modern day creepy pedo toucher complete with Guy Fieri level douchebag facial hair and bad bleache job. I imagine he will get busted one day bringing in his computer for repairs and the curious computer repairman will open up a folder marked DAVES PRIVATE WORK FILES and find 80 gigs of questionably legal pornography and Dave will be like "Lol how did that get there?" and get sent to the pokey.

Our first match is KENNY OMEGA vs. AUSTIN ARIES, but before each match they give the wrasstlers a little pre-recorded promo time. Kenny Omega is up first and he looks like he is mos. def. Gay For Pay. My assumptions are confirmed because on the wrestlers way to the ring, ROH provides you with these little side bar PRO TIPS graphics featuring notable things about each wrestlers and Kenny's PRO TIP is that he's a "Unique Individual" so ROH offices are basically recognizing his lifestyle choices.
Austin Aries is next and I think at one point he was just another boring bland white guy, but now he's going for some kind of cocky gay biker gimmick with silly facial hair and I can respect that. It is better to be a gay biker in the world of wrestling than a boring hairless flippy white guy for sure.
The bell rings and these guys fucking WRESTLE and WRESTLE some more and the crowd is CHANTING and CLAP CLAP CLAPPING and there is no doubt this is motherfucking ROH CLAP CLAP CLAP. This match goes and goes for several thousand minutes and I am not the type to recap all of the MOVES but there were a lot of MOVES and this reminds me of some kind of no name bullshit opening match on an old BATtlarts tape except Aries and Omega's kicks and strikes are those of precious little babies and not at all brutal. Then after a quck game of grabass Austin Aries dropkicks Kenny Omega in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him a brainbuster and it's over, I didn't mind this match that much despite my severe homophobia.

Next up we have a backstage interview with some guy interviewing ROH Champ RANDY THE RAM JERRY LYNN. This is boring as fuck and I only want to see ROH backstage interviews if they involve The Briscoes because those dudes are full of the realest of Real Talk.

Our next match is ERNIE OSIRUS vs. DELIRIOUS. Ernie Osirus is either supposed to be a homelss heroin addict, or Necro Btucher's little brother, I'm not sure. Delirious is a white man who wears a mask, speaks in gibberish and listens to death metal, so it's hard for me to choose who to root for. After a couple of minutes of forgettable wrestle fighting, Delirious Knees Osirus in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him an awkward top rope splash and it's over. who gives a shit?

Backstage with some guy again interviewing Jimmy Jacobs and Brodie Lee. Jimmy Jacobs is either the tiniest normal wrestler ever or the biggest midget wrestler, I can't tell. You would think the dude could maybe lift some weights before appearing on TV or something. THIS IS BORING CLAP CLAP CLAP.

Now we are treated to a ladies match, and I respect ROH for recognizing that internet wrestling fans are afraid of women so they get all of these middle of the road looking girls that don't look like WWE's shoot sluts with hot tits and tons of makeup, but they aren't complete hose beasts that would make you barf in your lap. All of these women look approachable, and by approachable I mean, I could realistically have sex with them if I were to meet them. Anyway, the match is SARA DEL RAY & SASSY STEPHIE (w/ Larry Sweeney) vs. DAIZEE HAZE & NAVAEH. During the pre-match promo Sweeney is openly trying to grope Sassy Stephie and I start a THIS IS AWESOME CLAP CLAP CLAP chant in my bedroom. It figures they fired this dude. assholes. Both Del Ray and Sassy Stephie have visible tramp stamps so I know they fucking party. I don't want to get too far off my important professional recapping duties but I am totally mesmerized by Sara Del Ray. From the waist up she's like this normal perfectly fit woman but she has these gigantic ham thighs that look like they can no doubt crush a man's head DEAD during acts of cunnilingus. I don't know dick about exercising (If I did I wouldn't be blogging about wrestling for sure), but I'd like to know what kind of training regimen you need to be on to have that body. For this alone, Sara Del Ray is my favorite ROH wrestler and I want nothing more than to meet her and shotgun Budweisers with her and trace "I <3 U" on the small of her back with my fingertip.
Ok, Daizee Haze has the body of Olive Oyl and Navaeh is not much to look at in the face but she has a nice rack. Daizee's ring music is some stock reggae shit and that coupled with her stoner ring name and hippie looking outfits, I assume she gets down 4:20 24/7 and has much respeck for jah rastafari BO BO BO MURDAH DEM, so she is dope in my book too.
Anyway, they wrestle and some stuff happens and I honestly forgot who won because I spent the whole time thinking about what I would do on a date with Sara Del Ray.

Now it's time for our MAIN EVENT: JERRY THE RAM LYNN vs. BRODIE LEE. I guess this was recorded before Jerry Lynn was the champ. I am happy to see that Jerry Lynn still comes out to death metal. I was afraid they'd give him some lame Bruce Springsteen song because he's an OLD BROKEN DOWN PIECE A MEAT THAT LIVES IN A TRAILER AND WORKS AT A DELI COUNTER. Brodie Lee is a "trucker", which means he has a beard and wears a wifebeater and jeans, so he looks like 75% of my real life friends who aren't at all truckers. He is a big looking dude, but he is much more impressive looking in CHIKARA where he is literally 7 times larger than everyone else on the roster (except Claudio). These guys have a wrestling match and it's basically like ECW 1999 all over again except instead of Rhino or the one big guy from DA BALDIES, we have Brodie Lee. 1999 was now 10 years ago and Brodie Lee was just a young pup. Lee kills Lynn for a while with his Big Guy offense, and then Lynn pulls out a wack small package and wins. What the fuck? We couldn't even get a Ram Jam? Man, fuck this match.

That's it. Perhaps I will do this again next week. PERHAPS NOT.

Joshi MMA Report

I only watch Joshi MMA because it is MMA in it's purest most beautiful form. With that said, MMA promotion Strikeforce held a Joshi MMA battle over the weekend as She-Beast Cris CYBORG continuously smashed the face of tiny jap girl Hitomi Akano. (You can watch the whole match here before Youtube takes it down) . CYBORG was like twice the size of Delicate Flower Akano, who took like 7 minutes worth of punches and kicks straight to the fucking face but to her credit did not bleed one drop, possibly because she has the powers of Bushido on her side.
After the match, CYBORG more or less said she was so huge coming into the fight because she was bloated from her period. Most folks would be grossed out by such talk but it makes me yearn to be held in CYBORG's soft embrace even more than before. After I got over the initial shock of finding out CYBORG's dick was way bigger than mine, I would want nothing more than to make sweet love to her.

This sets up CYBORG to meet the only other notable Joshi MMA star, Gina "Hot Tits" Carano in August. This fight will not only be awesome, but I can guarantee it will produce at least one erection from me, and if it goes all 3 rounds I might even achieve Full Release.