No justice in this world

Misawa, the man who was the very essence of work rate, dies in the ring. Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer not only continues to live but is now holding the 15th most important belt in the pro wrestling world. Someone stop the planet, I want off.

Review of PURO Match

Hey guys, I was at the DVDVR board the other day and went mad downloading some PURO matches. I found this little gem hidden deep in the cavities of the board and decided to share.

Shin Nihon Puro Resuinga~! Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Tamaoki Honma

Honma is a boy who became a man through pain and blood loss, with his blood and sweat leading him to where the big boys play; Shin Nihon Puroresu! Shinsuke Nakamura is the hot young star that New Japan has been looking for, praying for and hoping to find for years now. Unlike the greased and underwear clad Honma who hides nothing, including those intriguing scars, Nakamura is a bit more of a showman, wearing a red satin robe to the ring before stripping down to unveil his milky yellow body.

Homna, clearly the better oiled of the two plays the domme early on as he lays into Shinsuke with his leather, right into some breathplay as he uses his shiny leather boot on Nakamura's throat. Nakamura tries to fight back a bit, but Honma puts him in his place slamming him nice and hard a few times. Nakamura after a little bit more grinding decides that he can play rough too. He quickly has Honma down on all fours and begins to really give it to him before letting him up only to punish him with a few knees for his disobedience. It was all foreplay for him until he quickly mounted him from behind and wrapped his arm around Honma's throat, choking him until he was ready to explode like a twelve year old altar boy. Just as it was getting really rough Honma reached out and with an exasperated gasp grabbed out for the safety, unable to mutter the safeword.

Nakamura is displeased with his submissive's lack of dedication and relents, only to kick him a few times for the embarrassment he brought upon both of them. Honma is no longer willing to play nice as he begins to fight back, which is only whetting Nakamura's appetite more right now. Honma continues to throw Nakamura around a bit before placing his heaving chest on Nakamura's, pinning him down while the referee pounds out twice before Nakamura comes to his senses. After Honma attempts to punish him some more, Nakamura quickly gets him with a reach-around, Honma unsure of how to react finds himself face down on the mat again with Nakamura on top of him. Nakamura is sick of playing around with him, as he hoists him up onto his milky shoulders, Honma's oil dripping down his chest, and slamming him as hard as he can, before sitting on Honma's battered face and hoisting up his legs as the referee pounds Honma out.

After the encounter, there is a feigned handshake before a gang of men come out and begin to pound away on the defenseless Honma. One thing is for sure, his ass will be sore in the morning after the boys in the back are done with him!

Spotlight on: Hurricane Helms

Remember this guy? His name is Shane Helms. That is his shoot name. I don't care what his Wiki entry says. Mother fucker's name is Shane. He first showed up in WCW after a long, distinguished career as a professional football player. I don't care what his Wiki entry says. Mother fucker played football. He suffered a very serious neck injury after being dumped on his head by eternal shit bag Alonzo Spellman in training camp one year when Helms had the balls to tell Spellman that pro wrestling was the strongest fighting style ever. Fuck Spellman for doing that. Anyways, contrary to his fucked up, obviously hacked Wiki entry, Helms had never met those two pussies Matt and Jeff Hardy before they all ended up in WWE. Not even a chance encounter at a Waffle House. Shane was way too busy fucking Ric Flair's hot daughter, David, to hang out with those two douches. With his football career over, Shane walked into the Power Plant one day and shoot beat the shit out of Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker and demanded that he be given a WCW contract. Fearing for his life, Parker gave the man what he wanted. Shane showed up on the next Nitro and ran in on the main event, press slamming Goldberg and shoot kicking Bret Hart so hard that it turned him into a bitter retard and made him retire. The next day Shane bought WCW for pennies on the dollar, but later that night he lost the company to Vince McMahon in a high stakes game of "Bet on Who Will Die Next". (Shane picked Scott Steiner while Vince picked his maid 'Juanita' who he then shot in the head with a single shot Derringer, thus securing the win). As part of the bet Shane was forced to change his shoot name to the much shittier Gregory and he had to go to work for Vince. Shane/Gregory's mother has a really rare and fucked up disease that requires hella money to treat so he had no choice but to work for the devil (Mr. McMahon). During this time Ric Flair's daughter caught him fucking Terry Funk's daughter and all hell broke loose. The two fathers became incensed when they heard about this. Flair went on record as saying that his daughter had to be the better lay because she worked both heel and babyface. Funk countered that his daughter could carry a broomstick to a **** fuck. The two men never spoke to each other again. Meanwhile, Shane/Gregory had moved on and was now fucking the woman he would one day marry, Stacy Keibler. Shane/Gregory was getting drunk with Billy Kidman one night and made a bet that he could take any gimmick and get over with it. Kidman was a huge fucking nerd so he dared Helms to do a comic book hero gimmick. Helms, unaware about what exactly a comic book hero was supposed to be like (because he isn't a fucking SQUARE) stayed up all night reading every comic book ever written. He then decided that since all comic book heroes are fucking lame that he would come up with a totally original one that no one had even thought of: The Hurricane. The character derived his power from his green hair and huge dong. He debuted the following night and won the WWE World Heavyweight title in 45 seconds, forcing the late Superstar "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to submit to his brutal, legit painful pet submission hold "The Cock Lock"(Austin was fatally stabbed to death in the shower by the aforementioned piece of shit, Alonzo Spellman, but the crowd was so busy cheering for Hurricane that no one gave a fuck). Hurricane went on to hold the belt for an astonishing 6 years before settling down with his newest wife, Ann Coulter, and raising a family consisting of 3 sons (Eddy, Rey Jr. and Kofi). He was awarded a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt by the late Ryan Gracie. The two would later have a falling out after Ryan stole some of Hurricane's blood and got high off it. Ryan wound up stealing a police car, raping a police horse and eventually his heart blew the fuck up because it couldn't handle Hurricane's shit. Hurricane did not go to the wake but did send the Gracie family a condolence ham. To this day the entire Gracie family (even the fake ones) refer to Hurricane as "Hurricane Gracie". Hurricane managed to stay away from the bright lights of pro wrestling until the WWE Hall of Fame came calling. The night before Wrestlemania XX Canadian midget and child molester Chris Benwaa had the huge fucking honor of inducting the greatest wrestler to ever live into a fake hall of fame. During Hurricane's induction speech Benwaa became so overwhelmed by emotion that he drove straight to the airport, flew home and killed his wife and son. While speaking to the cheering crowd Hurricane told them to shut the fuck up and listen. He told them, despite their "ONE MORE MATCH" chants that he was finished with wrestling. He told them to get a fucking life and that he was too busy sitting at home, fucking wife #3 Tub Girl, and that he had moved on and it was time for them to do the same thing. One fan wearing a lucha mask ran onto the stage and Hurricane kicked the shit out of him and then gave him a shoot vertebreaker. As his assailant lay on the stage, dying, Hurricane removed the mask to reveal that it was none other than previously mentioned shit stain Alonzo Spellman. Spellman's dying words were "Pro... Football... Strongest... Fighting Style..." As the life left his body Hurricane leaned over and closed the eyes of his fallen foe. He then turned his attention to the stunned crowd and said "You have now seen my last match. I am finished spilling blood. I will now live out the rest of my days in solitude. Fuck you all." Vince McMahon was so moved that now every single WWE televised show begins by airing that snippet from Hurricane's farewell address. Hurricane no longer grants interviews. He is a man clearly haunted by his past. None of us will never forget what he gave us.

RETURN OF THE GABE

Credit: Insider source, Virgil Wrestling Superstar

Glory days are here again.

Smarks have been wondering around aimlessley since evil CARY canned the messianic GABE in what was seen as an act of treachery against the man who gave us the jap experience of watching ***** classics in some shithole in new jersey. He allowed us to live our dreams of being puro fans as ROD STRONG became our defacto kawada. He even brought crippled cancer victim KOBASHI to excahnge chops with some tubby samoan which gave roh STRONGSTYLE legitness. yes, a real life jap who did REAL WRESTLING not SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT (spits). Some smarks hung on desperately whilst crying as they saw a boring tv product that didnt reflect the true FIGHTINGSPIRITO of the promotion they once loved. others turned to cosplay promotion chikara and their brand of ironic "wackiness" made for grown manchildren fetishising their youth....

...But now therr is light where once there was darkness. GABE returns and he has brought the smarks not just one jap but many many skinny hairless somersaulting japs. ROH is dead, long live DRAGON GATE-O USA!



DGU! DGU! DGU!