Raw O'Clock

What the hell, it's Raw O'Clock!
Sooooooooooo uhhh Vickie Guerrero is out to be shrill and introduce Randy Orton. Randy Orton is out to remind us he is evil and has killed every single McMahon except Linda and the babies. Hopefully they're next. Then he is like "Every wrestler on Raw answers to ME!" and MVP comes out and is all "Oh no you didn't!" and then they're going to wrestle later on tonight. So MVP is the new King Jobber, I guess.
Speaking of jobbers, The Brian Kendrick (who calls Lillian Garcia "dollface" which is the best condescending thing to say to women) loses to Bombaclad Stylee Kingston James. I don't even know why this match happened. Then Vickie breaks Big Show's gigantic heart by telling him they must keep it strictly professional. Sorry big guy, I feel for you.
Let's see, what the fuck is next. I think this was Santina's team of Santina and some hoes vs an awesome team of both Beth Phoenix AND Maryse. Mike Dikk is hating on me right now cuz I saw Maryse be weird. There was some antics in this match and the twin chicks are friends again. I don't know how that happened but it's okay. The twin chicks are like hot girl Hornswoggles or something, I've never really seen them do their schtick before. Also the real Hornswoggle was in this. And Santina won with a roll up, further cementing her as the most dominant female wrestler of all time. I hope they bring in Aja Kong to job to Santina. Why have I written so much about this.
A butthurt and greasy Matt Hardy is out, doing a promo about how he broke his metacarpal last night in his crapass garbage match for trash idiots that he had last night. Matt Hardy was sounding like he was going to cry which I hope is a permanent new gimmick. Then Goldust came out who is, apparently, still under WWE contract. Matt Hardy runs around, then hits Goldust with the brutal force of a broken limb. There was that. Who even knows.
Montel Vontavius Porter the highest paid free agent in the WWE making more money than even John Cena wrestled against the Sinister Randy Orton. This was a pretty good match actually, I thought MVP was gonna get just shat on but he hung in there and never even really lost because Shane McMahon ran in and was just having a great old time swinging a kendo stick around. Then he ran away through the audience and was all like YO HERE I AM and then his music played so I guess he won the match.
Thanks to the Veer Union.
I don't think I missed anything but I feel like there was something before THE MIZ segment but who cares because the Miz segment was so awesome. The Miz was saying "Hey yall I am new here and I want to beat John Cena!" so then he won by forfeit because John Cena was killed last night. Then he yelled at Lillian Garcia, which made it 2 for 2 abusive Lillian Garcia segments tonight. A hell of a show. Later, we learned that John Cena WAS there so he was actually just scared as hell of the Miz.
The Colon Bros who are now the default best bro tag team in the WWE wrestled Jamie Noble who is doing a like 155 pound UFC guy gimmick and Chavo Guerrero. Chavo and Jamie Noble didn't win this match but I certainly did enjoy it. I used to think Carlito was so lousy but I guess I was wrong because he's kind of awesome. I am man enough to admit that.
So then the main event was Batista vs. the Big Show and this was the worst thing on the show because both guys need to wrestle someone they can really just impressively throw around and neither of these guys can throw around the other. I started paying a lot of attention to my fishtank during this match, and that shit is awesome. This one fish has a cave and he doesn't want anything going near that cave. I'm gonna make like 5 more caves and really twist his melon. So anyway whatever, John Cena came out and just stared at the Big Show mean as hell. Big Show got counted out because of that and everyone was like OH SHIT.
This wasn't a bad episode of Raw at all, really. I like when midcard guys start to get pushed a lot just because usually they do something kind of awesome at some point on the ascent so I am hoping the Miz, like, hits John Cena with a car. Thank you all for reading this, my friends! :)

Ugh. Impact.

Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

The Realest: Sara Del Ray (A Love Letter)

First I'd like to say that the above video is not entirely mine. Some nerd on Youtube made the original version, but used some horrendous Walls of Jericho song as the background music. I merely replaced it with a beautiful song that is fitting for such a beautiful creature.

Anyway Sara, I assume you are reading this, because I assume most non-WWE wrestlers spend their off time Googling themselves to see if they got the internet goin' nuts, and speaking of the internet goin' nuts, that is exactly what 6/3/94 has the internet doing (goin' nuts), so we are no doubt one of your main bookmarks now. Well Sara, I recently checked your Myspace and it said you were single so you can't front on me and say you have a man, because why would you lie on your Myspace? You are always on the road wrestle fighting, so sadly, a long term thing wouldn't work out between us. All I'm asking is, next time you are in New York for.... whatever it is you wrestle for, let me take you out to Gray's Papaya, or maybe you want to get a little classy and we can go to Bubba Gump Shrimp in Time's Square. It doesn't matter to me, as long as I can get to know you. I promise I won't ask you any questions about "the boys in the back" or "bumps" or "highspots" because I don't give a shit about those things. All I give a shit about...is YOU. Just one date Sara, and maybe if things go well, I will buy you that sports bra you want on your Amazon Wish List.

...And when you feel cold, I'll warm you
And when you feel you can't go on, I'll come and hold you
It's you...
And me forever
Saraaaaa...... Smile
Won't you smile a while for me.....

Let me be your Boo Sara.

Your pal,
Contributor IV

PS. I'm not a fattie and I'm not retarded.