TNA 5-21: THE RETURN OF CONTRIBUTOR IV

So I am back after moving to review TNA for the very first time on this blog. Well I reviewed a PPV but that doesn't count.

So this thing starts off with a Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett montage and I quickly realize I have lost all knowledge of wrestling I sponged in those 3 glorious weeks (Known as 6394's Attitude Era) I was involved with blogging here, replacing all of that important wrestling knowledge with memorizations of Subway systems, so all of this is new to me again. This is a concern because I already thought TNA was the most confusing show on TV, and I am also super high off of fancy weed which is making everything even MORE hard to follow.

I guess this montage is because Jarrett & Foley hate each other, but oh good, we are starting TNA off with Jarrett blabbing in the ring about Foley and then Foley comes out and he's a legit bad guy again, and THEN jarrett is like "Im gonna be in the Sacrifice match" and foley is like "BUT WHAT WILL YOU SACRIFICE HOW ABOUT YOUR SHARES OF TNA???" And Jarrett is like "ok", and I don't fucking understand this Sacrifice match. So is it whoever gets pinned has to sacrifice some shit? Fuck it who cares, this is all giving me a panic attack.

Ok so then Foley is like WELL IM GONNA MAKE SOME MATCHES and he says a bunch of things that go over my head, then he says something about Samoa Joe and his NATION OF VIOLENCE and I have no idea what that means but I am fucking pumped to find out. Finally before the commercial break there is a skit with Angle backstage and it was all like FUCKYEAHDUDEBLAHABAABAHSH and something about a Frenzy (????) match. and my head is fucking exploding. Oh good. commercials.

We are back & catching up with the WHO IS SUICIDE IS IT CHRIS DANIELS thing, and it looks like it's not Chris Daniels, but who fucking cares if it was Chris Daniels? Would that give him some kind of unfair advantage? WHY DOES ANYONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.
But now both Daniels and Suicide are being interviewed at the same time and they're gonna fight at the PPV, but tonight they are bros in a match.

Lethal Consequences vs Machine Guns vs vs Daniels/Suicide: This was mostly too confusing for me and they're stil talking about the mystery of Suicide. Shuuuuut the Fuccccccckkkkkkkk Uppppppp. So yeah, moves, moves, moves and then Daniels does this crazy ass moonsault plancha and for a second I'm PUMPED, but then Suicide wins with a move. COMMERCIAL.

Back from commercial and literally nothing of interest happens except they show booker T and Kevin Nash training for...something and it is very homoerotic. COMMERCIAL.

The Dudleys are giving a spirited speech about tag team wrestling and apparently they started some kind of Tag Team Invitiational tournmanet and whaaaaaat the fuuuuuck?? How are you just gonna make an Invitational Tournament?? That is not a thing everyone has the power to do. So the Dudleys are beefing with THE BRITISH INVASION and I have no clue who these guys are. They all look like British dudes, so maybe one is Nigel Mcguiness. Now they are talking back and forth and the Dudleys cant fuckin handle it so they throw dem bo's but THE BRITISH INVASION have a giant Biritsh Strongman, so they are now fucking the fuck up the Dudleys. NO WAIT, BEER MONEY is out!! Who are they!!! Some guys!!! THE BRITISH INVASION are scared of these dudes and I think their ring music is Livin on a Prayer or maybe I just smoked angel dust. Holy shit thank god this segment is over. It's only 9:45

OH SHIT NOW JARRETT AND ERIC YOUNG ARE BEEFIN BACKSTAGE. They are ironing out their problems like bros though. No reason to throw down. Oh it turns out Micke Foley has to fight Eric Young. Cool! COMMERCIAL THANK GOD.

Oh Kurt Angle was looking for Sting...and he found him! They are kind of beefing I think. I don't think it's gonna come to blows though. They are just yelling like an old married couple. I think they might hug it out, bitch. They do!

Oh now Eric Young vs. Sting. I guess I was confused earlier when I said he had to fight Mick Foley. I can't keep up with this shit man, I'm sorry. Is this seriously only the 2nd match? I feel like so much shit has happened. Oh, so I guess Eric Young and Sting are tight bros from way back and this is heartbreaking for the both of them. It's heartbreaking for me too. Man the sound got all weird for a second and you could only hear 6 people clapping. Maybe I AM on angel dust, or maybe only 6 people give a shit about this match? Oh, Eric Young taps to Sting's Sharpshooter. NEXT ON IMPACT: AWESOME KONG ANGELA LOVE CONTRACT SIGNING!!

Borash is gonna send insider knowledge to your mobile phone. Now he's about to chat up Mick Foley to find out what former heavyweight champion Foley is gonna fight tonight. I hope it's Gillberg. IT HAS TO BE GILLBERG. Borash and Foley are doing some kind of abott and costello bullsquid. SEGMENT OVER.

There is a SERIOUS Awesome Kong montage. It was pretty dope. Now it's time for the CONTRACT SIGNING. DUN DUN. Fat Jim Cornette is out to....officiate (???) the contract signing (I guess). Angela Love is one of the most porn star looking lady wrestlers ever. She is bringing security with her because she is beefing with Awesome King pretty hardcore. Cornette is telling the security to back the fuck off because it ain't that kind of party. Awesome Kong is out with the ninja. The Ninja gets to stay in the ring. That doesn't seem fair. They sign the contract and now the porno bitch is talking waaaaaay too fucking much and then Kng tries to smash the fuck out of her but some ref tries to stop her and she smashes the fuck out of that dude instead THROUGH A TABLE! Only 53 more minutes of this bullshit.

Hey let's skip a segment because it's just talking anyway, and I am trying to enjoy eating.

00hhhhh g0d more talking. Matt Morgan wants to join the Main Event Mafia So he is fighting Kurt Angle RIGHT NOW. Oh man Kurt Angle is definitely not taking wrestler vitamins anymore, but it looks like Matt Morgan is still taking a few. Matt Morgan appears to have a Jack O Lantern face tattooes on his back or something. They do some moves and then Morgan tries to go for the HELLAVATOR which is hte best name for a move, but Angle reverses it into a rollup and wins!

Now we are talking to Jeff Jarrett backstage and FUCK WHEN WILL THIS SHIT END. (in 25 minutes).

I think this is the main event now! Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett! It turns out Samoa Joe's Nation of Violence is just him and his towel. Booo. Samoa Joe fucks shit up as if he were an actual monster and not some morbidly obese dude with creepy flab and muscle pants. Joe gets DQd for fucking too much shit up and now AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are beefing because Joe is too pumped, or maybe because AJ has hamburgers in his pocket. So I guess this wasn't the main event. Fuuuuuuuuck. COMMERCIAL. 14 more minutes!

Oh that's right, I forgot the main event is supposed to be Mick Foley vs. Gillberg. FINALLY. Oh no, it's not Gillberg. It's a carboard cutout of Rocky Balboa!! He's coming to the ring with a Mickie lookalike and Don West is losing his shit and acting as if Rocky Balboa was real and then Mike Tenay tells Don West to STFU and HOLY SHIT!!! The crowd is chanting ROCKY ROCKY!!! Foley is having a real match with the cardboard Rocky. THIS IS AMAZING!! CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Foley beats Rocky with an elbow and then does like a mashup of Rocky speeches and MICK FOLEY IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Jeff Jarrett hates fun and comes out to beat the shit out of Mick Foley because he's a fucking cocksucker, but then Agnle comes out because he appreciates Foley's brand of comedy and he wrecks Jarrett. Then Sting comes out to try and stop the beef but Foley fucks HIM up. Finally Foley fucks Jarrett up too. THE END. Please just watch the last 10 minutes of this bullshit ass show. Fuck this never again am I watching this horrible snot.

Ugh. Impact.

Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

TNA LOCKDOWN BRO

M: Hi we are Mike and Andrew and we decided to watch the TNA Lockdown
PPV together and I can promise you it will never happen again. Here is
our match by match expert analysis:


OPENING DARK MATCH: ERIC 'EY' YOUNG vs. DANNY BONADUCE

M: Danny Bonaduce is a 75 year old former child actor and he is already at least the 5th best TNA wrestler. He is most definitely on shoot steroids and brings NUNCHUCKAHS to the ring as if this were
still the 1980's and people were still pumped on Michael Dudikoff''s blockbuster movie series, American Ninja.. OH this would be a good time to mention that every single one of these matches takes place inside of a steel cage and most of them have confusing rules, but the only rule to this match is that there are no rules and that Danny Bonaduce isn't a real wrestler and before the match in his pre-fight nterview he said he's been "practicing taking bumps" which is totally
DISRESPECTING THE BIZ. Anyway, these two guys fight and Eric Young wins and then Rhino comes in and gores Danny Bonaduce for no real reason I guess. THis was probably still like the 3rd best match of the
night.

A: Danny Bonaduce promised to bleed but he didn't which I guess makes him a heel. He was definitely the dude I was most into in terms of just like YEAH GO FOR IT BRO so of course he lost. Then he choked whoever the hell with the nunchuks before Rhino seriously gored the living hell out of him. Bonaduce was the star of this entire show.
At this point the best thing in the history of wrestling happened. So the theme song for this PPV was Bullet With Butterfly Wings and the TNA Voiceover Man is talking all about how this is the show that will separate legends from gods or whatever when all of a sudden
BILLY CORGAN IN A DRUID'S ROBE does a slam poetry recitation of the first few lines of Bullet With Butterfly Wings but changes the line to be like "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a six sided steel cage of fury."

TNA X DIVISION 5 WAY SOMETHING OR OTHER TITLE MATCH: SUICIDE (c) vs.
SHIEK ABDUL JABAR vs. BLACK MACHO MAN vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. A
JAPANESE GUY

M. This match had some really awesome rules where the two black guyswere on a team together, and the japanesey and Persian were on a team together but Suicide was ON NO ONES TEAM, and at first you had to pin a guy to get him eliminated but then when there were only two guys you had to escape the cage, and whoever won became THE CHAMP! So Suicide is cool because he wears a costume that looks like the Hot Wheels logo and it just says SUICIDE on his chest as if he was wearing his own Halloween costume.. This match is whatever and then it comes down to SUICIDE and THE SHIEK and this is where we find out The Shieks
finisher is called, no shit, THE W.M.D.D.T. Anyway, Suicide ends up winning somehow. This didn't suck but it sure was confusing and stupid.

A: I don't really remember any of this except that the black guy who isn't Macho Man has a really weird gimmick. I've never seen any Rocky movies but I imagine that he is working like Rocky's comical black friend. Did Rocky have a goofy patriotic black friend? If he did, he was in this match. When this match ended, Suicide jumped off the cage onto the Arab and a bunch of security guys, I think. Apparently Suicide is still Christopher Daniels which means TNA literally doesn't know of any other skinny guys who can jump around and so he had to work two matches on this show.

4-WAY SHOOT SLUT QUEEN OF THE CAGE MATCH: ODB vs. DAFFNEY vs. SOJOURNER SOMETHING vs. ANOTHER GIRL!

M: ODB is the best wrestler, but Daffney is close to being the best. ODB has like the giantest fake tits ever. I am so curious to see her naked just to see if I would be aroused or afraid. It's up to my pants to decide.Everything ODB does is some kind of obscene gesture so she's like a human Garbage Pail Kid. She is so awesome. Daffney is pretty awesome too, but alas ODB wins where she does some kind of obscene pin.

A: ODB was in trouble at one point but then my main man Cody Deaner poured that mysterious liquid from the flask into her mouth and she remembered to slam her own titties and flash her vagina around like a cat in estrus and she won by means of putting her crotch on someone's face. I think our conclusion was that we'd party with ODB and Daffney if she's into it.

IWGP JR TAG CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE POP PUNK MACHINE GUNS (c) vs. HOMICIDE & HERNANDEZ HELLA THUGGIN vs. TEAM NO LIMIT JAPAN

M: The Pop Punk team has the belts and they are the tiniest cutest little champion belts ever. They are just like big ironic hipster belt buckles. The Japanese team comes out to the most racist music ever. It's just tikka ting ting ching ching chong chingy chong chong. This was the only match that could kind of be described as "awesome" just because the big Mexican Hernandez was straight up picking dudes up by the neck and suplexing them into cages and shit. None the less, the Pop Punk team pulls this one out with some kind of crazy top rope twisting powerbomb piledriver. Cool!

A: Yeah this was the only actually good match. Homicide is probably the most authentically G wrestler aside from the Brisco Brothers but I don't remember him doing anything. I mostly remember the Myspace Boyz getting thrown around by Hernandez who I was convinced was at least 9 feet tall and 2000 pounds during this match. Then I looked him up on wikipedia and he's only billed as being 6'2 which means he's probably like 5'6. "Fuck my life" as the kids are saying.

DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH: ABYSS vs. MATT MORGAN

M: Hahahah, this match is really called The Doomsday Chamber of Blood match. The rule here is that you have to bleed first and then you are allowed to be pinned. This was basically the worst match in the history of wrestling up until the Sting vs. Cactus Jack match. Abyss looks like a shitty create a wrestler from the WWF Attitude video game and he is the worst "scary monster" character ever. It's funny when fruits on the internet are like "WELL WHAT IF THE WWE SIGNS ABYSS" Like the WWE is just licking their chops at the prospect of signing some fat out of shape guy with a shitty tribal tat who's only 6' 2" but pretend to be 6'8" and is just a shitty budget version of Kane.These dudes bleed a little, and Abyss has all of these tiny bags of Horror that have broken glass and thumbtacks in them. I have seen about 3 Abyss matches prior to this and they all end with Abyss being slammed into thumbtacks and pinned, and this one was no different.

A: This match never stopped going. I guess the deal was like Abyss is trying to stop being violent or something so he wanted to win this match honorably and without the use of plunder. He still cracked a piece of glass on Matt Morgan's head but I guess that didn't count. Then Stevie Richards came out and was really mad at Abyss for succumbing to his violent urges and sort of pitterpattered on Abyss's back with his tiny little hands until Matt Morgan threw Abyss into the thumbtacks. This was seriously like a three hour long match.

(brief intermisson: Andrew went to go pee or something, and he missed when Borash briefly interviewed Samoa Joe who was dressed like Razor Ramon Hard Gays fat cousin. Samoa Joe is such a fat piece of shit)

THREE WAY LADY CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: AWESOME KONG (c) (w/ sexy Ninja
Sidekick) vs. ATHLETIC GIRL vs. GIRL WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW OFF THOSE RUDE TITTIES

M: This is where I decide all of these matchs were booked like when I play Fire Pro and just make matches with the dumbest fucking rules I can think of. All of these matches are set to GRUESOME mode it seems, with pins enabled. If I were really in charge, they'd also be
exploding ring matches, but maybe that will be at the next Lockdown PPV.
So Awesome Kong is probably my favorite TNA wrestler just because she's a fat pissed off black lady and that's the best gimmick. Awesome Kong tries this somersault splash and it is gully like a mug but it does not hit. If it hit this would have been the best match ever because the girl who have been nothing more than a splat mark on the ring. At one point they tie Awesome Kong to the cage by her hair extensions and then the Athletic girl hits the girl with the Rude Titties with a splash from the top rope and Rude Titties girl is hurt FOR REAL. Then they do some rollup ending and it all looks bad and shitty and now the girl with the Rude Titties is your new TNA lady champion.

A: Don West here was a heel by saying that the faces shouldn't cheat against the heel. "Reasonable" Don West.

TAG TITLE VS TAG TITLE KILLADELPHIA STREET FIGHT: TEAM 3D (The Dudleys) (IWGP CHAMPS vs. TEAM BEER (TNA CHAMPS)

M: This match is so good because they spend 15 minutes building up how fucking CRAZY and OFF THE HOOK the Philadelphia crowd is, and then the match starts and it's just ::cricket chirp cricket chirp::. But Don West and Mke Tenay both acted like people gave a shit. This was like a
pretty bad Dudleys ECW match and they did the spot where you would expect them to set a table on fire and 3D Balls Mahoney through it but alas this is TNA and there is no fire. The Dudleys beat Team Beer and now they are double champions. The crowd did not give a shit one bit.

A: There was some good stuff in this match because I like D-Von a lot. Also there was some part where one of Beer Money wanted to jump on Bubba but he rolled a little bit and the guy missed. Then the other guy wanted to jump, and Bubba rolled AGAIN! So Bubba basically single-handedly eliminated both of Beer Money by virtue of rolling a little bit. Mike Tenay acted like he couldn't hear Don West over the roar of the crowd which was cute.

FAKE WAR GAMES CHAMBER MATCH: MAIN EVENT MAFIA (Steiner, Nash, Booker T, Angle) vs. TEAM JARRETT (Jarrett, Styles, Chris Daniels, Fatso Samoa Joe)

M: This match had some rule where guys enter in one by one after a certain amount of time and then once everyone is in, a roof comes down and theres weapons on it. This match sucked a dick. Samoa Joe is like the fattest most out of shape wrestler ever. The match was highlighted by AJ Styles Jumping down from the top of the cage into the ring for no reason and no one caught him. It was awesome and highly stupid. Then someone pinned Booker T real anti-climatically. THEN OH NO THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND ITS HOLY SHIT BOBBY LASHLEY, and everyone including the announcers and the wrestlers and the entire crowd looks at him like "What the fuck??? Big fucking deal" so yeah.

A: I remember when Scott Steiner came out I was like "OH HELL YEAH SCOTT STEINER!" just because I desperately wanted to be excited for something on this show and I thought I could fake myself into thinking Scott Steiner is cool in 2009. He did a frankensteiner so maybe he could sense that thousands of miles away, one guy in California still believed in him. Remember when Christopher Daniels was the KING OF THE INDIES and now he is like the seventh best guy in a match that features both Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett?
The story here was that Jeff Jarrett was maybe going to go for the Main Event Mafia because he ruled impartially on Thursday and so no one could trust him. So AJ Styles and Booker T were kinda staggering around like bums and who was Jarrett going to hit? Oh it was Booker T. Then Bobby Lashley showed up looking pretty well dressed and Kurt Angle was like YES YES! and the good guys were like OH NO! So my guess is that Bobby Lashley ends up being a good guy and beats up Kurt Angle a little bit on free TV and then goes away forever.


TNA TITLE MATCH: CACTUS JACK vs. STING (c)

M: So after every single gimmick match ever they finish the ppv with a regular boring cage match. This was seriously the worst match that has ever taken place in a wrestling ring, despite how many sides said ring had. This was like when I accidentally put on AWA classics and it's
just two fat out of shape guys hugging and chopping each other for a half hour until one of them does a body slams and pins the guy. The only difference is Sting was lazier than any fat AWA guy and he basically just laid down on the ground for the whole match. Then all of a sudden at the end they both decided to randomly climb out of the cage at the same time and Cactus Jack beats Sting.

A: Sting was afraid he was going to break a hip or something so he really did just lay down the whole time while Cactus Jack would lean up against the cage and bleed. Then he tried to crawl out through a tiny hole in the cage. And he demanded the barbed wire bat be handed to him and it was, but not handle first. So he had to sort of gingerly hold the end of the bat between two fingers.


FINAL THOUGHTS:

M: This was more or less the worst shit imaginable. Fuck you TNA. I almost considered quitting this blog because of this but I surely quit ever watching TNA again. Thanks a lot.

A: I'm not mad, TNA. I'm just disappointed. Impact was so not terrible on Thursday that I thought, I hoped against hope, that this wouldn't just be terrible. I don't wanna get all SMART MARK *Brian Pillman voice* but when every single match is in a steel cage, it sort of makes the fact that it's in a steel cage seem less exciting. Fuck you TNA.