Daniel Bryan attempts to murder co-worker, promptly terminated

What was supposed to be the biggest break in the career of Daniel Bryan (shoot name: Daniel Bryan) might very well end being its death knell. Bryan was part of the NWO-esque beat down angle shot at the end of Raw last week in which he and his fellow NXT rookies destroyed John Cena, CM Punk, Jerry Lawler and a bunch of other, less important people. During the segment, Bryan and his shirtless cohorts demolished the ring and announcing table and raised all hell. This was designed to trick the viewers into thinking they were legit pro wres fighters and not a bunch of shitty dudes no one will ever like. National exposure and TV time should have been enough for Mr. Bryan. It wasn't. During the hubbub he decided to choke untrained ring announcer Justin Roberts with his tie. The WWE, ever the beacon of light and purity, fired him for it. In a sport built on faking fights there is no place for those sort of shenanigans, and firing Mr. Bryan was completely justified. A known proponent of the barbaric MMA and "strong-style" form of pro wrestling that claimed the life of Christopher Benoit and Misawa-san (R.I.P.), Mr. Bryan is known for his brutality both in and outside of the ring. He deserves to be fired, and in the opinion of this journalist, arrested. Perhaps this will be the wake up call Mr. Bryan is clearly in need of.

B. Brian Blair gets all Benoit on his sons.

Dave "Herb" Meltzer reports that former Killer Bee, B. Brian Blair got drunk & tried to murderlize his sons last weekend:

"Brian Blair, 52, spent Father’s Day in jail in Hillsborough County after a domestic dispute when he was arrested on charges that he punched both of his sons early in the morning....blah blah blah....The report said that Blair pushed his 17-year-old son Brett in the chest. According to the report, when his son tried to walk away, Brian punched him in the face with a closed fist, leaving a red mark that caused swelling, and then put him in a choke hold. Police deputies then said Blair let go of Brett and grabbed his 12-year-old son, Bradley, by the throat, and punched him on the top of his head, leaving a lump. When deputies arrived, they saw the bruising of both sons faces and they both said it was their father who did it."

Since this was so close to the two year anniversary of Benoit himself Benoiting his family, there's no word on whether or not this was some sort of weird tribute to the greatest Canadian grappler in pro wres history or if it was some kind of crazy coincidence...or just drunken horseplay. "Jumpin'" Jim Brunzell could not be reached, but I'm guessing he got some texts that night containing Blair's physical address.

Spotlight on: Hurricane Helms

Remember this guy? His name is Shane Helms. That is his shoot name. I don't care what his Wiki entry says. Mother fucker's name is Shane. He first showed up in WCW after a long, distinguished career as a professional football player. I don't care what his Wiki entry says. Mother fucker played football. He suffered a very serious neck injury after being dumped on his head by eternal shit bag Alonzo Spellman in training camp one year when Helms had the balls to tell Spellman that pro wrestling was the strongest fighting style ever. Fuck Spellman for doing that. Anyways, contrary to his fucked up, obviously hacked Wiki entry, Helms had never met those two pussies Matt and Jeff Hardy before they all ended up in WWE. Not even a chance encounter at a Waffle House. Shane was way too busy fucking Ric Flair's hot daughter, David, to hang out with those two douches. With his football career over, Shane walked into the Power Plant one day and shoot beat the shit out of Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker and demanded that he be given a WCW contract. Fearing for his life, Parker gave the man what he wanted. Shane showed up on the next Nitro and ran in on the main event, press slamming Goldberg and shoot kicking Bret Hart so hard that it turned him into a bitter retard and made him retire. The next day Shane bought WCW for pennies on the dollar, but later that night he lost the company to Vince McMahon in a high stakes game of "Bet on Who Will Die Next". (Shane picked Scott Steiner while Vince picked his maid 'Juanita' who he then shot in the head with a single shot Derringer, thus securing the win). As part of the bet Shane was forced to change his shoot name to the much shittier Gregory and he had to go to work for Vince. Shane/Gregory's mother has a really rare and fucked up disease that requires hella money to treat so he had no choice but to work for the devil (Mr. McMahon). During this time Ric Flair's daughter caught him fucking Terry Funk's daughter and all hell broke loose. The two fathers became incensed when they heard about this. Flair went on record as saying that his daughter had to be the better lay because she worked both heel and babyface. Funk countered that his daughter could carry a broomstick to a **** fuck. The two men never spoke to each other again. Meanwhile, Shane/Gregory had moved on and was now fucking the woman he would one day marry, Stacy Keibler. Shane/Gregory was getting drunk with Billy Kidman one night and made a bet that he could take any gimmick and get over with it. Kidman was a huge fucking nerd so he dared Helms to do a comic book hero gimmick. Helms, unaware about what exactly a comic book hero was supposed to be like (because he isn't a fucking SQUARE) stayed up all night reading every comic book ever written. He then decided that since all comic book heroes are fucking lame that he would come up with a totally original one that no one had even thought of: The Hurricane. The character derived his power from his green hair and huge dong. He debuted the following night and won the WWE World Heavyweight title in 45 seconds, forcing the late Superstar "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to submit to his brutal, legit painful pet submission hold "The Cock Lock"(Austin was fatally stabbed to death in the shower by the aforementioned piece of shit, Alonzo Spellman, but the crowd was so busy cheering for Hurricane that no one gave a fuck). Hurricane went on to hold the belt for an astonishing 6 years before settling down with his newest wife, Ann Coulter, and raising a family consisting of 3 sons (Eddy, Rey Jr. and Kofi). He was awarded a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt by the late Ryan Gracie. The two would later have a falling out after Ryan stole some of Hurricane's blood and got high off it. Ryan wound up stealing a police car, raping a police horse and eventually his heart blew the fuck up because it couldn't handle Hurricane's shit. Hurricane did not go to the wake but did send the Gracie family a condolence ham. To this day the entire Gracie family (even the fake ones) refer to Hurricane as "Hurricane Gracie". Hurricane managed to stay away from the bright lights of pro wrestling until the WWE Hall of Fame came calling. The night before Wrestlemania XX Canadian midget and child molester Chris Benwaa had the huge fucking honor of inducting the greatest wrestler to ever live into a fake hall of fame. During Hurricane's induction speech Benwaa became so overwhelmed by emotion that he drove straight to the airport, flew home and killed his wife and son. While speaking to the cheering crowd Hurricane told them to shut the fuck up and listen. He told them, despite their "ONE MORE MATCH" chants that he was finished with wrestling. He told them to get a fucking life and that he was too busy sitting at home, fucking wife #3 Tub Girl, and that he had moved on and it was time for them to do the same thing. One fan wearing a lucha mask ran onto the stage and Hurricane kicked the shit out of him and then gave him a shoot vertebreaker. As his assailant lay on the stage, dying, Hurricane removed the mask to reveal that it was none other than previously mentioned shit stain Alonzo Spellman. Spellman's dying words were "Pro... Football... Strongest... Fighting Style..." As the life left his body Hurricane leaned over and closed the eyes of his fallen foe. He then turned his attention to the stunned crowd and said "You have now seen my last match. I am finished spilling blood. I will now live out the rest of my days in solitude. Fuck you all." Vince McMahon was so moved that now every single WWE televised show begins by airing that snippet from Hurricane's farewell address. Hurricane no longer grants interviews. He is a man clearly haunted by his past. None of us will never forget what he gave us.

n00z Of Honor

Every fledgling wrestling site needs it's share of hot news, and I am here to provide you with all of the week old news you can handle!

Unfortunately, this news has to deal with every shut-in's favorite wrestling promotion, ROH, and I have admittedly only watched around 6 ROH things in my life and most of them I would categorize as "Strongly Homoerotic" so I am not their biggest supporter, but News is News is News...


**Last weekend, 56 year old Jerry Lynn achieved his boyhood dream of winning the ROH championship title. General internet consensus is that Lynn is way too old to be holding a coveted world title that is won in a pre-determined imaginary wrestling fight. These of course are the same fans who wanted to see Ric Flair (who is legit old enough to be Jerry Lynn's grandpa) get "one last run" with the WWE title.

Jerry Lynn celebrating moments after his ROH title win.

**Speaking of Flair, has anyone else heard the rumors that a big Hollywood studio is planning on making a Flair biopic? My sources have told me the script's already been written, but they plan on changing Flair's signature Figure Four finisher to a Power Bomb, because Hollywood big shots don't think the common audience would understand the nuances of the Figure Four. Idiots!

**ROH manager/semi-wrestler/lone non-vanilla ROH personality Larry Sweeney has recently declared on his blog that he has ben suffering from a bout with Mental Retardation, also known as bi-polar disorder. The lardos behind the scenes at ROH have decided to Future Endeavor Sweeney, I'm assuming because Batman comic books and Hentai Animes have never dealt with Bi-Polar disorder before, so this is a foreign problem to them:

"In my judgement, the company treated me like a drug addict, not like a person with a medical condition. You see, if somebody shows up drunk or stoned to work and gets caught, then you can suspend or fire them... but in the eyes of the law, in such a crazy world where, because of our modern lifestyles, so many battle with their own types of crazy, well... if any person has a bout with craziness and is seeking care, they by law cannot be treated the same way that you would treat an addict. At least this is what my lawyers have told me.
Cary Silken suspended me from pittsburgh and new york with less than 48 hours notice and did not pay me. Before that, the company shorted me on money for the first tv tapings... then I came to houston and, despite my sobriety and clarity, and willingness to fly myself down on my own dime, I was told that I was not welcome."

This is pretty unfortunate, since Sweeney was pretty good at not being boring and making you forget you were watching Strongly Homoerotic wrestling programming. I PERSONALLY wish him all the best with his Future Endeavors, and ROH can GO SCREW for thinking a mental illness is the same thing as an awesome drug addicition. Fucking closet cases.


**Finally, the most wrestlingest ROH dude ever, Bryan Danielson may be leaving the company soon:

"According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Ring of Honor's Bryan Danielson is looking to pursue a career in Mixed Martial Arts when his ROH contract expires in May. The American Dragon has been training five hours a day at the Xtreme Couture in Las Vegas, and plans to continue his training in Thailand this summer."

Nerds on the internet are speculating a lot of nonsense about this whole mess. The most hilarious would be that Danielson is freeing himself up to get a WWE contract, as if WWE is scouring the globe looking for 5' 5" dudes who know a lot of wrestling holds and how to do european uppercuts properly. I don't think anyone believes he is actually entering MMA or anything. There has been no followup on whether or not Danielson knows that MMA isn't a fixed sport.


That's all for now!