Showing posts with label respect for the biz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label respect for the biz. Show all posts

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Daniel Bryan attempts to murder co-worker, promptly terminated


What was supposed to be the biggest break in the career of Daniel Bryan (shoot name: Daniel Bryan) might very well end being its death knell. Bryan was part of the NWO-esque beat down angle shot at the end of Raw last week in which he and his fellow NXT rookies destroyed John Cena, CM Punk, Jerry Lawler and a bunch of other, less important people. During the segment, Bryan and his shirtless cohorts demolished the ring and announcing table and raised all hell. This was designed to trick the viewers into thinking they were legit pro wres fighters and not a bunch of shitty dudes no one will ever like. National exposure and TV time should have been enough for Mr. Bryan. It wasn't. During the hubbub he decided to choke untrained ring announcer Justin Roberts with his tie. The WWE, ever the beacon of light and purity, fired him for it. In a sport built on faking fights there is no place for those sort of shenanigans, and firing Mr. Bryan was completely justified. A known proponent of the barbaric MMA and "strong-style" form of pro wrestling that claimed the life of Christopher Benoit and Misawa-san (R.I.P.), Mr. Bryan is known for his brutality both in and outside of the ring. He deserves to be fired, and in the opinion of this journalist, arrested. Perhaps this will be the wake up call Mr. Bryan is clearly in need of.

Monday, June 7, 2010

NXT Season 1 Cast Kills John Cena, Cements Place as New Spirit Squad

The NXT rookies beat the shit out of John Cena, Jerry Lawler, CM Punk, Matt Stryker, Michael Cole and destroyed the ring and Monday Night Raw set, establishing the 8 man crew as the #1 babyface in the company. The show ended with Cena being stretchered out and giving a reassuring "thumbs up" to all the 12 year old kids whose parents buy his shitty merchandise, and within moments of the rookies making it backstage HHH called for a closed door locker room meeting. We have received numerous reports of him throwing chairs and berating the new comers for "going into business for themselves" and claimed none of them "loved the biz". David Herbert Meltzer is reporting that the NXT crew is going to be humiliated and rebranded with embarrassing gimmicks. In order to meet the demand for more shitty gimmicks, the WWE has hired 2 dozen failed sitcom writers. More on this as the story develops.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Hacksaw is Wrestling at My House.


So I am moving to Brooklyn tomorrow afternoon. I have a job and I have no more time to play grabass on the internet with wrestling fruits. I don't know how often I wil be posting here from here on out, but this is my last hurrah, if you weel.

It turns out Hacksaw Jim Duggan was literally wrestling around the corner on my last night in this bullshit town, so I decided to go alone, because it was better than...being alone...I guess.

I have hangups with life, so I don't like going to public social events alone as I feel everyone is staring at me and making fun of me for being a lonely man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not socially retarded or anything, but being alone in these types of situations BUGS ME OUT. I warmed up earlier in the day by going to a Japanese restaurant all alone and ordering a perfectly cooked Chicken Katsu plate. After that, I had enough confidence to attend a scrubby wrestling event by myself.

The wrestling league or whatever was called POWER & GLORY WRESTLING. I guess they run locally in CT and they have their own little thing going on. I showed up fashionably late, because that's how you do things. Unfortunately, it wasn't late enough as I sat there for a half hour waiting. I also expected like 50 people to be there but the place was fucking PACKED. I don't know how many people, but definitely more people than will be at the next 5 IWA-MS shows combined. It was the most people I have seen at scrub wrestling in my life.

SO I am sitting there, and starting to freak a little because I am alone in a room with 400 white trash. Given the town I'm in, I fully expected the audience to be blacks and puerto ricans, which I can handle, but that much white trash gives me the panics. Oh, i was also DUMB high, which wasn't helping. Then, these three dudes sit next to me. They were all very chunky. I will go over their outfits:

Guy #1: Fat, tye dye Superman T Shirt, tucked into jeans, gut hanging over belt, bobo sneakers.
Guy #2: Fat, Bald, wearing a generic And 1 Basketball jersey Nothing underneath. t's def. not B0Ball jersey season, and it's NEVER Bball jersey season for fat bald white dudes), baggy jeans, and icy white And 1 kicks.
Guy #3: Fat, Urlacher Jersey, baseball cap, BLACK Jeans, those non slip black shoes you have to wear when you work in a kitchen.

Oh, and they were all wearing glasses. I would later find out that these dudes were INSIDERZ, but more on that later. At this point, I regret going to such a white trash function and I get the panics, but I calm myself down so it's all good.

The first thing was like Raw, where the main heel team comes out, which are a bunch of dudes who are like DX, and the leader looks like John Morrison. One of the guys is doing a fat gay aerobics gimmick and his name is Richard Seaman's. He's the best dude.

SO then after a bunch of yammering motherfucking RON ZOMBIE comes to clean house and the crowd goes APESHIT. Ron Zombie is a dude who has been on every single local wrestling card since I was in high school. He looks like if Cactus Jack was into Rob Zombie. he crowd is going APESHIT because he's southern CT's real life RANDY THE RAM except Ron has never been famous anywhere but southern CT.

Oh, so I forgot to mention MOTHERFUCKING OX BAKER was there. Not wrestling obviously, he's like 150 years old. he was just selling shit. He has this crazy loud booming voice and he was just kind of blabbing away doing crazy old man talk to no one in particular, but then he starts DISRESPECTING THE BIZ during the matches! During this Ron Zombie bullshit, Ox Baker legit tries to start a BORING chant, and I'm like FUCK YEAH OX BAKER! but I don't say that out loud because that wold be weird, so I just think it real hard.

Meanwhile, I find out these fat dorks next to me are INSIDERS because they start talking about "bumps" and "workers" and "stiff shots" and I start to puke a little. At least they didn't smell bad. I really wanted to turn to them and say, "Excuse me, do you know who the fuck I am? I am Contributor IV from the internet's most popular wrestling blog www.6394blog.com, Why don't you show some respect", but I didn't do that because that would have been queer.

Ok so that match was over. whatever, you guys don't care. Then the ring announcer comes in and he's like "there are refreshments in the back and also wrestling legend OX BAKER is in back signing autographs" and some older puerto rican dude a couple rows in front of me stands up, turns around and points to Ox and screams OX BAKER BABY!! and I'm like FUCK YEAH OLD PUERTO RICAN GUY YOU RULE, but again I don't say that out loud.

So then during another match the insiders are still blabbing about bumps and ROH and GABE and i'm puking, and then Ox Baker starts yelling at the referee for counting too slow and I start to wonder if Ox Baker is drunk, and how I could use a beer too, which is when I find out there are no beers at this event which becomes a nagging concern since I would have easily bought ten beers.

Ok, then at some other point, the ring announcer makes an announcement saying there is a special guest in the audience, as if like, Lawrence Taylor or Kirk Cameron is there, but it's just some local magician guy and Ox Baker yells WHO GIVES A SHIT at him, and I lose it again.

SO another match I will highlight: Some black guy comes out, sorry, I don't know his name, but he was supposed to be the bad guy, but his little mixed color children were in the audience in front of me holding up a sign for him and it was so touching. I cried a little. Then the next guy out was another black guy names THE PARK CITY GANGSTA, and THE PARK CITY is my old hood where I grew up and shit, so I was torn as to who to root for. The touching family man or the dude who was representing the B.P.T. It doesn't matter because the insiders started critiquing these dudes outfits and it was HILARIOUS. All wondering how much they spent on their ring gear. Oh, and then the dude in the basketball jersey started thinking out loud about what kind of promos he would cut in the ring which became a recurring theme during every match. THEN all of these dudes started talking about playing D&D, and I LOST MY SHIT. Like, I had to put my face in my hand because I couldn't keep it cool AT ALL.

So there were some matches, blah blah, and then an intermission so I go to buy an Ox Baker T Shirt because the dude is so awesome, and he was so fucking PUMPED someone was buying his T shirt because no one else gave a shit about him. Right after that he bounced though so I knew I wasn't gonna be getting more drunken commentary. Oh, I think he called a girl a bitch too! He might have said midget though! It was hard to decipher through the moustache.

So after the intermission the dork gang comes back and one of them now smells like cheap bathroom soap and bad breath, and I don't know how much more I can take with no beer being sold. THEN they start talking about some guy, and one of them says that Dave Prazak is a metrosexual, which was baffling. Dave Prazak looks like a lot of things, but metrosexual is not one of those things EVER. They were also saying how all of the wrestlers girlfriends were fat but these dudes mos. def. never saw a real vagina EVER.

Ok time for the MAIN EVENT. Hacksaw vs. the fake DX dude. For some reaosn I forgot Hacksaw's gimmick was being a lumbering retard. He started like 40000 USA chants. He was also wearing old school swim trunks as ring gear. No joke. So I guess it was the best match a 60 year old man can have with some scrub you never heard of.

All in all, I enjoyed myself. I wish there was beer. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle going to ROH by myself in June though (that was a plan of mine). Thanks for reading. Die slow, bloodsuckers.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

TNA and its Ever Faithful Fanbase


Recently the greatest letter ever written on the subject of fake fighting was posted on Twink Beaner Bryan Alvarez and Jew media mogul Dave Meltzer's web site. It was written by an inbred shit head, which makes sense since it was written about the virtues of TNA. I shall now do my best to dissect this epyllion into small, quivering, shit stained pieces.

Bill Walkowitz on why he likes TNA
(Wow, that's one helluva title right there. Right up there with The Butcher's Wife and The Slugger's Wife and The Astronaut's Wife in terms of removing any and all doubt as to what the subject is.)

I'd like to take a few minutes and respond back to Carl Evan's column. Maybe he can another point of view.
(Maybe he can what? See another point of view? I'm guessing you're going for the word see.)

I'm an old time wrestling fan in his 40's and have been watching since I was age 11 when I saw my first show at the International Ampitheatre in Chicago. Superstar Billy Graham and Dusty Rhodes were a tag team on that show.
(Oh man, that sounds like a kick ass show. By the way, what's an "ampitheatre"?)

I'm one of the customers that the WWE say is never right. I'm always wrong according to the land of McMahons. So since I'm so wrong according to them and the mindset there, I decided they're the ones who are wrong and rarely watch their product, and very rarely buy a PPV or go to one of their shows.
(I see. You are one of their "customers" and you rarely buy their PPVs or go to their shows because they don't see DA BIZ the same way that you do. Fair enough, but if you really feel that way why would you hand them your no doubt hard earned $$$$, even in rare instances? PS- despite your infrequent financial support it would appear that things of going well in "land of McMahons".)

I'm also a guy when I lived in NH was fortunate enough to work for three different indy companies,
(Oh SHIT, son, we got us an insider~!)

doing all the little things that help get a show going(setting up chairs, tables, ring, getting as building, locally promoting shows in commission towns that require a "resident" of the state to have the show put in his name.)
(lol, never mind)

One of them groups was host to a series of WWF training dojo shows,.so I was able to see guys like the Hardys, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle(being managed by Dory Funk jr), and also was very fortunate enough to meet Jim Cornette.
(This particular sentence is awesome, especially the part about you being "very fortunate enough" to meet Corny.)

What label that gives me, I don't know.
(I can name a few: Douche. Tard. Street Team Member. Am I getting warm?)

But first and foremost, I've always been a fan, and I know what drives THIS fan.
(Whatever it is that drives you I can be certain that A: It was made while the first Bush was in office at best and B: at one point or another you fucked a close relative in it. Most likely a cousin, although a sister cannot be ruled out yet.)

For all of Carl's opinions of TNA. TNA gives me more of what drives me as a fan than anything the WWE is doing.
(Uh huh. So basically what drives you, a 40 something self proclaimed old skool fan who met Jim Cornette, is a 6 sided ring, interchangeable indy guys, a wrestler based on a video game character and a roster that is about 30% former WWE employees. Hell yeah. Old skool as FUCK.)

Every promotion's going to have its flaws, name one that don't. But TNA has been the promotion that keeps me being a fan.
(And I'm sure they say an extra special prayer each night, thanking the god of their choosing for giving them such a super awesome fan like you.)

it's drives me to buy their PPV's watch their shows and go way out of my way and get their dvds
(Going out of your way to get a TNA DVD? Damn son, do you not know how to click around on the fucking internet?)

(like the long journey I went thru to get acoup[le recent dvds that were supposed to be at "major retailers now" but weren't and I have a walmart, the largest most major retailer in the world, right in the town I live in).
(I like where this is heading.)

It drove me to my local walmart and bitch and yell and complain about them having the TNA video game, but no DVDs, and now because I created such a fuss, I was able to yesterday purchase the Jeff jarrett 4 disc dvd set.
(YES! This is an image I would have loved to have seen in person. HAY YALL, WHERE'S THE DANG OL' JEFF JARRETT DVD? YALL GOT EVER DAMN ONE OF THEM WWF DVDS. IS YALL ON THE MACK MAN PAYROLL?)

Watching this and the kurt angle one reminds me why I hate WWE's product so much.
(Why? Because when the WWE employed them they performed in front of actual crowds and not amusement park guests?)

I'm tired of the McMahon family being shoved down my throat, and when they see it's not working, what do they do? They continue to do it anyway.
(Yes, which is precisely the exact same thing Jeff Jarrett did for the first 3 years of TNA's existence.)

I'm not the biggest Jeff Jarrett fan,
(Oh, what's this?)

but
(here it comes)

I found his dvd set more entertaining and great to watch than anything the WWE has done in over 2 years.
(WWE has sucked a million consecutive dicks for the last two years yet I can rest assured that the worst possible evening of WWE programming is a billion times more entertaining than 99% of what Jeff Jarrett has done in TNA.)

The only recent "WWE" dvd I bought was the one they put out on
World Class Championship Wrestling, anything else they put out now you'd be lucky you could pay me to watch it.
(I do believe if your hillbilly ass somehow tricked someone into paying you to watch wrestling YOU would be the lucky one.)

and if they actually DO something that's good(like letting Steamboat wrestle, which was about the only I liked about Wrestlemania),
(I am sure that for the last several years Steamboat has been BEGGING the McMahon family to just put him in the game. Those heartless fucks made the man BEG for another moment in the sun.)

They put the kabash on it right away, and thrust HHH/Orton in a way everyone
can see isn't working, not getting over and nobody cares about. But because he's married to "daddy's daughter" and daddy's daughter is in charge of creative, it's "let's put the blinders on because we know better than the fans who keep us in business will ever know" mentality.
(Yeah, HHH and Orton was a bag o' shit, no doubt. I'm sure TNA has NEVER had any sort of examples of nepotism. It's not like Dustin Rhodes got a push when his dad was booking. It's not like Jeff Jarrett kept getting main event spots simply because his family started the promotion. Nope, shit like that never happens in the vaunted halls of TNAland. TNA NEVER pushes someone when it clearly isn't working.)

HBK vs Undertaker, good but I've seen better.
(Like what? Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle SHOOT FIGHT~? The fake War Games match? Please enlighten us with what we are missing in TNA.)

I've seen where the simplest things still work, I grew up watching
well put Stan Hansen as a great example, when he came into the AWA he said "forget the NWA, Forget Ric Flair, I want to be AWA champion and Rick Martel, I'm going to be champion". Simple, to the point, bang! you got a reason and a storyline.
(If anything, and I mean anything in TNA were simple, I might actually watch it once in a while ((not really)). This is the same company that brought us such simplistic concepts as the King of the Mountain match, the Monsters Ball match and lest we forget the Hard Ten match. Simpler times, indeed.)

Or "I came here to the World Class Area because there's one world, and there should be one world champion". WWE's own Jerry Lawler said that when he was AWA world champion. again, simple, to the point, and it got over. TNA at least acknowledges there's other organizations out there, recognizes the past achievements of stars. There's alot of little things that TNA does that still drives this fan, this cuatomer who's always wrong according to the WWE.

(Dude, I have the feeling if the WWE booked their shows according to your vision each show would consist of two hours of cowboy gimmicks and heels throwing fireballs and blinding babyfaces. The fact that the world has, you know, changed over the last couple of decades obviously frightens you. What you have failed to consider is that pro wrestling, ESPECIALLY the WWE, tend to run 2-3 years behind current trends.)

Last time I checked the motor city machine guns were aspiring to be one of the best IWGP jr. tag champs ever. I don't know what Carl's looking at but I can see them putting those Japanese titles over on tv. Think Vince McMahon would ever do that now? nope. He's had the chance, did do that and flopped every time. he had the golden eggs of the NWA thing...flopped it, old ECW invasion...flopped it...WCW invasion...flopped it. At least TNA has taken some to build things up, WWE flopps at that too. hell the only group to get the old ECW invasion done right was Memphis, and who was the owner at the time? Lawler and Jerry Jarrett. So there's your "developed Explanation", Carl.
(At the time they were used, all three of the promotions you mentioned in the WWE's long list of inter-promotional failures were far more relevant than the IWGP titles. Even ECW.)

I was thrilled to see Gail Kim and Christian in TNA, it gave them two a chance to shine where they weren't before and in Gail Kim's situation, lost in the shuffle(again) in WWE). Christian on the WWE's "C" show isn't doing the numbers that he was doing when he was in TNA.
(Oh man, I hope this leads to him exposing his azn fetish. It's also awesome that TNA fans hang their hat on the fact that iMPACT! beats "the WWE's 'C' show". It is not that different from bragging about beating up the kid with cerebral palsy. Yeah, you won, but what have you accomplished? Also, Christian was just on Wrestlemania. I am willing to bet that 90% of TNA's roster would eat a steaming bowl of Mick Foley's shit to switch places with Christian.)

I think AJ Styles needs to go to promo school,
(Apparently super ultra mega #1 TNA fan has never seen THIS~!)

There's one of the things that drives this fan. I mjaynot like the way they repackaged Sama Joe, but I'm a great fan of what he can do in the ring, again, that is what drives this fan. Ring of HonorWithout Gabe is like Pizza without cheese and his absence is so noticeable.
(Wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Am I being worked?)

Funny Carl, you say the TNA ring work has desensitized fans to complicated ring work? pppps.. it hasn't with me so you should've said "some fans", or "Most fans", your generalizing when you really don't know what all fans think, kills your credibility.
(FUCK!)

TNA has one glaring flaw that won't go away, and that's Vince Russo.
(NO! FUCKKKK!)

For every time someone has tried to conmvince me he's a "genius" that he claims to be, I've been able to give validation to what beasily is nothing but a guy who've overhyped and hasn't created one thing that has put asses in seats.
(The spelling and grammatical errors should have been obvious. How did I fall for this?)

Anything he's done has flopped but because he's Jeff's buddy, he can continue to milk the company out of a paycheck he doesn't deserve to get.
(... wait a sec, maybe this is legit)

I'm not a fan of Foley having the title but it's tons better than Russo holding it, think about it.
(lol, if all Foley ever did in TNA was walk into the iMPACT! Center and take a shit in the ring while raping Don West he would be a million times more credible than any champ TNA has ever had.)

"Nothing about TNA tells me there are qualified wrestling veterans who can aptly book a good show". Is that so? Well I guess you're wrong again cause they're damn qualified enough to book a show that keeps this long time fan interested.
(You know, he has yet to name any one specific thing he likes about TNA.)

let's see YOU book a show that's perfect from top to bottom with no flaws whatsoever, and see how you react when people crap on it.
(Uh, DUH. If I were booking a show it would be fucking awesome so FUCK YOU. If people hated it I would make myself an on air character and call them names on TV. Your old skool sensible show would be 2 hours of Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test.)

before you say something like "well, what about you"? I have, and I did. as a birthday gift, one of the groups I worked for let me, and it went over well,
(Guys, this is Bill Walkowitz. His dream has always been to run a wrestling show. Tonight we are going to make his dream come true. Now all we need from him is his check for $3500 and for him to finish setting up the ring.)

what worked? simplest little things and because of one thing I did it elevated a guy to the next level and he was able to work on that to this very day, he works indys all over the northeast now, so you're wrong in that quote.
(I am hella sure that this nameless indy fag sits around each night, thanking his lucky stars that some fucking mark helped ELEVATE HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF INDY WRESTLING. Which is... more indy wrestling.)

I'd rather see Babe Ruth retired than anything WWE is doing.
(I don't even know what this means)

I'll watch reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter before I watch anything WWE has on.
(On this, we agree. Dog is the best racist dude with a TV show since, I dunno, Regis Philbin.)

I get WGN and could watch the new superstars show, why? I liked the old Superstars show they used to have in the 80's. Nothing new or exciting is going to come from there.
(New and exciting things rarely happened on the original Superstars tapings.)

I'm sure Mr. Cornette and I could classify a hundred bad indy groups, anything WWE does,and...your opinion as well..as crap..
(Yes, you and your colleague Mr. Cornette)

because this is one old time fan McMahon lost out on,
(Again, his loss I'm sure.)

that TNA and the way they present their show for the most part, has got, and
will keep.
(For reasons you have yet to make clear)

They are the ones that can drive this fan moreso than anybody else anywhere and that includes MMA.
(lol, gotta get in a jab at that new fangled MMA thing.)

So open your mouth, insert the foot, because, in the case of me, your opinion is dead wrong. I hope you can live with that..
(I'm sure the other douche who wrote a douche letter to another douche that was posted on a douche web site about a fake sport is texting his best friends his physical address as we speak.)

Bill Walkowitz
Portage, Wisconsin

There you have it, friends. The greatest pro wres letter ever written. I am a better person for having read this shit, and now, so are you. You are welcome.

-H.G.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Mat Rats: Getting Mom and Dad's Permission Was Only HALF the Job


What you are about to read is the result of years and years of my time, effort, tears and parents money. I decided to forgo college, a social life and a career so that I could one day bring to you the untold story of a truly revolutionary movement in professional wrestling. This is a written retrospective about things that should have been.

A decade ago a wrestling promotion dared to make its youngest viewers dream. They encouraged them to emulate their heroes. They told the children watching their show that they SHOULD try this at home. That promotion was Mat Rats, the result of the collective genius of Eric Bischoff and his B.F.F. Jason Hervey. Mat Rats was not all that different from their contemporaries at the time. They ran house shows. They had a weekly televised show. They even nearly managed to break into the lucrative pay per view market. They even managed to raise the ire of their main adversary: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. What set Mat Rats apart from the rest was the fact that their warriors were mere children. This was not your father's pro wrestling. It wasn't even your older cousin's pro wrestling. This was pro wrestling in it's simplest form. Eric Bischoff had a goal, and Mat Rats was going to be the vessel by which he achieved it.

HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

Eric Bischoff had been to the top of the mountain. He had drank from the golden chalice. He had done something no one else ever had: He put Vince McMahon on the defensive. Then it all fell apart. "I had recently lost out on my chance to purchase WCW," Bisch says as he nurses a glass of Crown Royal on the rocks. "You have to understand something. I had literally gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Penthouse to shit house. Riches to rags. Any analogy you can think of. I remember sitting in a hotel room one night with Herv (Jason Hervey) and we're both pretty down. I mean, our dream had just fizzled right in front of our eyes. I'll be perfectly honest with you, I was suicidal. I had this vision, this dream, and it was dead." The funny thing about dreams is that they don't always end when we think they do. "So, like I said, I was drinking with Jason, and we are both REALLY shit faced. He kept going on and on about how we needed to find out what was going to be the future of wrestling and we had to control it. Over and over, all night long. Finally I had heard enough and was about to slap the piss out of him when it clicked. My head popped up and I said 'I got it!' Herv just sat there, looking dumb. Then I said 'The best way to control the future of wrestling is to control the future OF the future of wrestling!' Herv was lost at this point so I spelled it out for him. We were going to start another wrestling promotion, and we were going to use CHILDREN as the performers. At this point Jason had gone into the other room to watch a stripper going down on my wife, so I grabbed a pen and paper and went to work." And work he did. For the next two weeks Bischoff worked the phones, lining up agents, sponsors, venues and such. A grass roots effort by his family and friends working as the Mat Rats street team helped spread the word about this new promotion by passing out fliers at local Chuck E. Cheese's, Toys 'R Us, and skate parks. Bischoff had lined up nearly everything except the one thing that mattered: He still needed wrestlers. Enter Pat Patterson.

"When I heard that Eric was starting out on his own again I laughed a good one," Patterson recalls in his heavy French Canadian accent. "Then I heard he was building this promotion on kids. 10 minutes later I handed Vince McMahon my letter of resignation. I wasn't the only one. Terry Garvin left with me. Jerry Lawler too. Chris Kanyon, Ricky Morton and Raven signed on as agents." Patterson had a seemingly unnatural desire to see Mat Rats blossom to maturity. He poured every inch of his being into getting things off the ground. "I took out some TV ads down in Orlando. I turned my house into Uncle Pat's Dojo. If you had a desire to become a pro wrestler, a permission slip signed by your parents and $3,000 you could live in my house and I would teach you the ways of the mat. Our first class consisted of only one applicant, but by God, he was the best wrestler I would ever train." That wrestler's name was Jack Evans.

HOOD RATS TO MAT RATS TO RING RATS

Jack Evans is a man conflicted. As I interviewed him I could tell he had a certain uneasiness about him. He sat in his seat in a Tijuana gutter bar, smoking a joint as he looked up to the ceiling. The product of a broken home, Jack walked the streets during his formative years. "When I was a little boy my momma used to tell me some crazy things. She told me that my father was an evil man. She told me that he hated me. Once I got a little bit older I realized that she was the crazy one. There was nothing I could say or do that could change that, cuz that's just the way she was." Jack doesn't like to talk about his youth, and yet here he is, spilling his guts to the IWC's foremost reporter. He is a man on the run. On the run from his past. On the run from the law. And in some regards, on the run from the truth. "I fucked up, man. I fucked up big time." Jack doesn't live in Mexico because he likes it. He lives here because for the next 3 and a half years he isn't welcome in his native U.S. but we'll get to that soon enough. "I had no supervision when I was a kid. My mom would be out gettin' her fuck on with some shit head. I used to stay out till like 3AM on school nights. My mom didn't give a shit. As long as I locked the door when I left, she didn't care where I was. I never had to answer for anything I ever did." This lack of accountability would become the theme of his life. Spare the rod, spoil the child. "I was part of a street gang. We were hardcore for our age. Sticking up white boys for Starter jackets on basketball courts. We were the gang to be with. Then I started slinging weed. It was the best thing ever. I made so much cheddar that I dropped out in 7th grade. I was 12 years old with a $50,000 car. I was the shit." This is where the timeline gets hazy. Jack doesn't have any more tales about his street days or how his drug dealing days came to an end. "One night I was watching TV and I saw a commercial spot for Uncle Pat's Dojo. I had a trampoline and a pool with a diving board, so I figured I'd give this wrestling shit a shot. I called the toll free number and three days later the application showed up in the mail. I forged my mom's signature and I was on my way to Florida."

"I remember seeing him walk out of the jet way and I'm thinking 'This is it? This is the guy I'm supposed to teach how to wrestle?' He was like 5'6 and maybe 130 lbs. I like them to be a little bigger than that. But Jack Evans would soon teach me that size doesn't matter." Patterson is practically beaming about his prize student, all these years later. "But from the moment I met Jack we connected. He was this soft, supple lump of clay that I was going to mold with my calloused hands. He had a genuine thirst for this business, and I was going to use every inch of my 4 decades in this business to quench that thirst."

Eric Bischoff wasn't very impressed with Jack, either. "I didn't think very much of Jack Evans when I first saw him. He wasn't very big. He didn't have an amateur background. He wasn't even a wrestling fan. He was this kid who had the money and desire to be a star. I even told him I was going to give him his money back and get him on a flight back home. That's when Pat stepped in."

"I told Eric 'If the boy is going to fail, let him fail. If you send him home now he learns nothing'. Eric said 'Pat, you watch him like a hawk. I don't want him to so much as shit without you knowing about it'. So he moved into the dojo, and the rest is history." Well, sort of. What happens over the course of this story is very much "history", but this is the first time much of it has made it itself known to the masses. "So I trained Jack in the arts of mat wrestling and submission grappling. More than that, I taught him how to be a man and how to deal with unspeakable pain." Evans was a quick study. Within weeks it was obvious that he was going to be something big. But one wrestler, no matter how great, can not carry a wrestling promotion alone.

A PAIR OF HARTS

"We needed more wrestlers, to put it bluntly. Pat had spent so much time teaching Jack the ropes that he had neglected to bring in anyone else. So we decided to start up Uncle Pat's Wrestling Camp. For $1500 parents could send their boys to live at Uncle Pat's Dojo for the summer and learn the wrestling trade. It was a tremendous deal. The applications were pouring in. It got to the point where we had to literally had to start turning kids away, much to Pat's dismay. Pat has such a passion for teaching young kids about wrestling and about life in general that it literally tore him up to tell kids that there was no more room at the inn."

"We had them sleeping on the floors, sleeping on cots. I had to build a bunkhouse just to make more room. It got to the point where some of them were sleeping in my room with me! Nothing but young boys as far as the eye could see. It was tremendous," Patterson says with a laugh. News of Uncle Pat's Dojo quickly spread among the wrestling community. Soon two young men with famous relatives in professional wrestling would make their way down to Florida. Teddy Hart and Harry Smith were the next generation of the Hart family legacy, and they weren't content to wait for adulthood to become pro wrestlers. They arrived in Florida and met Jack Evans. The wrestling world would never be the same.

"Harry and Teddy were fucking crazy. Fucking crazy." In Hart and Smith, Jack had finally met his running mates. The three formed a core and became fast friends. "The one thing I have learned about wrestling is that you need friends. Harry and Ted were... are my best friends. I could just look at them and know what they were thinking. They were crazy mother fuckers." Smith is currently under WWE contract and could not be reached for comment. Teddy Hart is currently bound by a gag order from commenting. "The worst thing about being the best at what you do is that there is always someone looking to shit in your Cheerios, literally and figuratively. Ted and Harry had my back."

SHOWTIME!

By now Mat Rats had nearly two dozen young men under contract. Now all they had to do was run a show. The Lionel Tate story was still fresh in the minds of many Floridians, so pro wrestling wasn't received very warmly. Pro wrestling with children was down right taboo.

"We had some definite hurdles to clear before we could run our first event. The community in general was not too keen on the concept of our product. We did all the local TV and radio talk shows to try and quell peoples fears, but seeing is believing. We needed to run a show to prove everyone wrong."

Enter local business man Luigi Barnello. Luigi owned several "Discovery Zone" indoor playgrounds through out Florida. When he heard that there was a pro wrestling company featuring kids looking for a venue he stepped up first to offer his.

"I was a big fan of the wrestling. I hear about this idea and I figure 'Yeah, sure, this could work'. My poppa used to take me to the wrestling when I was a kid, so maybe this could be the next big thing, you know?"

They had the backstage crew. They had the roster. They had the venue. Now all they needed were characters. This presented to be a much larger problem than anticipated.

"The one thing you have to keep in mind is that Mat Rats was sports entertainment performed by children and was being marketed directly at children," explains Bischoff. "That somewhat limits what you can get away with in terms of story lines and gimmicks and all that. The P.T.C. is always one tasteless gimmick or angle away from making our lives complete shit. We had a very fine line to walk, and I think for the most part we did just fine. Were they the best gimmicks ever? No. Where the worst ever? No. They were OK." Not everyone shares his point of view.

"Those gimmicks in the early going were complete shit. A fucking embarrassment," scoffs Pat Patterson. "They made some of the shit Vince was doing at the time look brilliant by comparison." He is not alone.

"When we first got rolling the story lines and gimmicks were fucking stupid," recalls Evans. "I told Eric that to his face. I walked in there for the first show and he hands me a fucking monkey mask and says 'Here ya go! You're going to be SPOT THE MONKEY!' I was like 'You fucking with me?' Dude was dead ass serious. For the first couple of months we were in business I was Spot the fucking Monkey. I hated myself and wanted to die."

Bischoff still claims that while the ideas did not work, they were founded on firm logic. "The biggest mistake I ever made in WCW was unmasking the luchadors. A high flying guy with a mask and a secret identity, they were like super heroes. I could have sold tons of those masks. I am smart enought to see where I failed in the past and learn from those failures. Mat Rats needed to move a ton of merchandise to work. Our margin for error was razor thin. We needed a breakout star. We needed that guy who could move t-shirts and masks and posters. Jack was our best worker, but he just was so bland and vanilla. I figured if we put him under a mask it would hide his negatives while accentuating his positives. We needed Jack Evans to be Spot the Monkey."

The first show was performed in front of 30 people, nearly all of whom were family or friends of the performers. Before the show Bischoff could feel the tension in the air and see it on the faces of the kids. He called the troops together for a pre show pep talk.

"I basically laid everything out for them in simple terms. We were about to take a huge risk. We were setting foot on Vince McMahon's playground and that he would likely not take too kindly to it. This was going to ultimately lead to war. I then told them that I believed in them and I knew they had the will to succeed." Evans remembers things differently.

"5 minutes before the first match Eric has us all backstage and he starts crying and shit. Crying like a bitch. He was going on and on about how he had sank every last dime he had into Mat Rats and that we had to make this work or else he would hunt us down and kill us. For reals. He showed us the knife."

The first show, lightly attended as it was, went off without a hitch. The under card was solid, and Teddy Hart and Spot the Monkey tore the house down with a 60 minute Broadway in the main event. While the debut show was not a financial success it was something to build on.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

The first 6 months saw Mat Rats grow from a fledgling company with no fan base to a well promoted regional promotion whose fan base was growing by the day. Running shows at Discovery Zones around Florida was a great deal for the promotion. Luigi Barnello did all the advertising for the shows and received 15% of the gate as a way of reimbursement.

"It was a great deal. I wasn't going to get rich off of these shows, but it gave the kids something to do, you know? Keep 'em off of the drugs and whatnot. I just got a kick out of watching them have fun. It was a good thing. We were all happy doing the DZ house shows 3 or 4 times a week. We never wanted to get a TV deal. But one day a guy came up to me and made me an offer I couldn't refuse." That man was local TV sports caster Chance Morgan.

"I discovered Mat Rats on accident. I was taking my kid to Discovery Zone for my weekend visitation and we walked in and there was all this commotion going on. Kids were in a wrestling ring, flying around. It was amazing. I had never seen anything like it before. The station I was working at was looking for something new to air on Saturday mornings after cartoons were over. I tracked down the owner of the venue and told him I would be willing to bankroll their production costs if they could give me 1 hour of fresh, live TV each week to air on my station. We were in business." Just like that, Mat Rats After School Special was born. Bischoff's plan was working out faster than he could have ever imagined.

"Not even a year in and we're already on TV. Things could have not been any better. No way. Then I get a phone call from the owner of the TV station. He loved the show so much that he wanted to move it Mondays after school. This was the dream time slot for us. We couldn't compete with the WWE head to head. For one, Monday is a school night. Most of our audience would be in bed before the show aired. Prime time was a no-go for us. The after school time slot, that was like our Holy Grail. It was the Cadillac of time slots for a kid centric show. Now we had that time slot in our home market. All we needed was for the surrounding markets to do the same thing. Syndication was the only way we could compete." Not everything was going well. Jack Evans had grown so weary of being Spot the Monkey that he was acting up backstage. Finally, after no-showing an autograph signing, Bischoff gave in. "I had finally had as much of Jack's bullshit that I could handle. He didn't want to be Spot the Monkey anymore. He thought the gimmick was lame and outdated. I thought he was doing just fine but Jack felt otherwise. So after months and months of him acting like an idiot I finally said 'FINE, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE MONKEY? COME UP WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING GIMMICK'. He handed me a video tape of an Eminem video and said 'I want to do this. I want to be a fly ass white dude'. I had no clue what that meant, but at that moment I was so sick of Jack that I gave him what he wanted. It was the best decision I ever made."

MAT RATS COMES OF AGE


The fans were coming to the shows. They were watching the shows. They were buying the merchandise. Things were going great, but the fans were becoming more and more demanding. The WWE was flying high with it's combination of scantily clad women and potty humor. Bischoff was growing more and more anxious with each step Mat Rats took and wanted to speed things up. "I was pleased with the shows, but I wanted more. I wanted to beat Vince McMahon at his own game. In order to do that we needed story lines that our fans could connect with. We did an angle where one of our wrestlers mommy and daddy got divorced. We did an angle where one of the kids was grounded for not doing his homework. These were good story lines, but if we wanted Mat Rats to grow up we needed to make the audience grow up too. We needed to move things in a more adult oriented direction."

"The first time I got to wrestle without that damned monkey mask was so liberating. In the middle of the match I busted out some old break dancing moves and the crowd was eating it up. I went out there, had a great match and got to the back and Eric had this huge smile on his face. He said 'Jack, you are going to be the future of wrestling!' I was way stoked. Then he said 'We want to do an angle where you get molested!' and I was like 'WHAT?' Eric thought it would be the best thing ever. I was like 'HELL NAH' but he kept pushing me and pushing me. Finally Teddy got up and said 'Fuck it, Eric, I'll do it'. That's the sign of a real friend, right there." Evans rolls another joint as he tells me this. "I've always been in wrestling for the wrestling. I didn't want to be part of some stupid shit like this." Bischoff was convinced that the idea was a winner.

"If you are trying to be raw and edgy you have to incorporate some real life scenarios into your programming. What kid out there isn't afraid of getting molested? I have never met a kid who wasn't scared shit less by the thought of getting molested. This was a storyline custom made for Jack. I'm still sad that he passed it off on Teddy. Jack could have shined in this role." In order to get Teddy into character Bischoff arranged for him to spend the day around a group of convicted sex offenders. This was supposed to be a supervised visit where Teddy would not be in any danger. This is where the story of Mat Rats begins to unravel.

FALL FROM GRACE

Bischoff has a hard time telling me what happens next. He has to order another drink and down to compose himself. "I never meant for anything bad to happen to Ted. I made arrangements for Teddy to spend some time with this group of convicted sex offenders in a local state prison. I was given every guarantee that Teddy would be safe. I..." Bischoff's mind wanders for a minute, as if he is stuck in a long passed moment. He snaps out of it and finishes. "I still don't know what happened that day. All I know is that those guards failed Teddy and his family that day."

The day he is refering to is the day Teddy Hart entered the Lake County Correctional Facility. Teddy was going to be a junior officer that day and was going to follow corrections officer Mike Hunt around that day. After lunch Officer Hunt had arranged for Teddy to have a meeting with 6 of the most vile, disgusting sexual deviants imaginable. When the time for the meeting came Officer Hunt lead Teddy to the library where the men he was to study were waiting for him. Teddy was asking these men questions about what drove them to commit the heinous crimes they commited. While asking these questions Officer Hunt was taken by surprise and fatally stabbed by a homemade shank one of the prisoners had fashioned from a toothbrush. Another prisoner locked and barricaded the doors. Teddy was no longer safe. He tried to evade his captors as long as he could, but a 14 year old can only hold off grown men for so long. What happened next was without a doubt the longest 5 hours of Teddy Hart's life.

"They raped him. They raped the hell out of that poor kid. Then they held him hostage. This was all over the news. People wanted to know what in the hell a kid was doing surrounded by hardened sex offenders. Then people found out that he was researching a character for a wrestling show. The press had a field day. My wife had to pull our kids out of public school because we were getting death threats. I was the biggest asshole of all time. People wanted me dead. After that, I just lost the will to succeed." Bischoff now has tears in his eyes. "Teddy did nothing to deserve that. If anyone should have been raped, it should have been me." SWAT officers eventually freed Hart, but for a young boy who had been repeatedly raped for hours and hours, it was too little too late. Hart would later successfully sue the Florida Department of Corrections and receive a settlement in the high 7 digits. But no amount of dignity could replace the innocence that young Teddy had taken from him that day.

"I remember sitting at home and getting a phone call from Eric. He told me that something had gone wrong with Teddy's visit to prison and that he had been raped. I just hung up the phone. I couldn't talk. I went to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking."

Eric Bischoff's nightmare day was about to get worse. Much, much worse.

THE LIE, EXPOSED

Jack Evans got drunk that night. He grabbed the keys to Pat Patterson's Mazda Miata and took off. About three miles down the road a state trooper pulled him over. Jack failed a field sobriety test and was taken to jail. This was another black eye for the promotion. What came next would turn out to be the killing blow: Jack Evans was really 37 years old.

"How the hell did that happen?" recalls Patterson, as confounded today as he was the day it happened. "How did we let this MAN get in here? How did we get worked by a con artist? It was the ultimate betrayal. I loved him like a son and he stabbed me in the ass." Patterson has not spoken to Evans in some time and most likely never will again. "I will never forgive him. I can't. It still hurts so bad." Bischoff was equally thrown for a loss when he received word that his top star was in fact a grown man.

"I dropped the phone. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The fact that Jack lied about his age and forged his documents was disgusting. What was even more disgusting was the fact we all knew that Jack had an ongoing sexual relationship with our 14 year old female ring announcer."

That was statutory rape, and Jack Evans was a statutory rapist.

"Right then I knew it was over. I knew Mat Rats was dead in the water." The tears are flowing down Bischoff's face. " There was no way we could survive this. Right then I called everyone involved with the company and told them what had happened and that I was glad to work with them but it was over. We never ran another show again. My miscalculation and Jack Evan's deception had ruined the hard work of so many people. I still feel bad about it. Mat Rats should have been the future of the future of wrestling. I let a lot of people down."

EPILOUGE

At this point Bischoff shakes my hand and tells me that he can't talk about this any further. I tell him I understand and thank him for his time. He walks away, visibly shaken. Pat Patterson's response to the death of Mat Rats was to go back to the welcome arms of Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Jack Evans did what every other drug taking, alcoholic, statutory rapist professional wrestler does when faced with the law: He ran off to Mexico and became a huge star. He knows exactly how many days he has left until the statute of limitations runs out and he is free to return to America. What he doesn't know is if that is what he wants to do.

"I kinda got it made down here. Teddy is down here. I got my best friend, I got weed, I got pills, I got all the pussy I could ever want. Why would I go back to America?"

That is the tale of Mat Rats. Getting mom and dad's permission was only HALF the job. The other half? Bleeding, of course.

-H.G.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Wrestling Has Always Been Stupid



Recently, Joey Babbysack wrote about how disgraceful the current WWE product is, how disrespectful to the legends of the business. John Cena, it seems, doesn't respect the boys in the back enough. He makes a laughingstock of men who were serious athletes and amazing performers. Would Ric Flair wear a belt with a spinner? Would Lou Thesz? Of course not! These were men. Serious men.

Lou Thesz may have wrestled a bear, but dammit, he made that bear respect the business. Ric Flair may have been a comedy performer, filling every match with goofy pratfalls and occasionally showing his ass (literally), but he did it respectfully.

At least this seems to be Babbysack's unironic contention, seemingly unaware that wrestling has always been intended for eternal adolescents and the mentally retarded. Wrestling is stupid, disposable and throw away entertainment. It has been for years. No one has ever taken it seriously and noone ever will. It is inherently ridiculous, filled with pumped up gays pretending to fight and sneering at each other and the audience.

Not only that, but your legends are all whores. Lou Thesz would have worn the Spinner Belt, done the job for Chyna, and kissed Vince's ass. Because he was a phony and a money grubbing jackass. They all are. These are your heroes Babbysack. These are your heroes.


Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Breaking The Babbysack

David Herb Meltzer is a terrific righter(sic) with a great mind for the business of fake fighting and mixed martial arts...the other cats who post on his site are not. So while those pundits might have an extra 21st chromosome they don't got shit on my man Babbysack. Babbysack suffers from such extreme retardation he overshadows everyone in the IWC. It is my proud duty to recap his works.


What needs to be said about the aftermath of WrestleMania has mostly been said. Beating a dead horse is boring, stifling to the creative juices and only appropriate to cheaply paid Hollywood writer types, who have no clue to the glory of professional wrestling past, no concept of how to create professional wrestling present, and offer little hope for the future.


Jesus. The misconception amongst the pro wres fans that wrestling is some sophisticated art that needs years of intricate watching to understand is unfathomable. "Get that Hollywood fuck Freddy Prinze Jr. out of there! Whats he know about the business? He can't write promos for Edge!" Settle down Babbysack, the WWE turns a profit every year I don't think they need advice from some manchild.

Pathetic and hilarious is the nature of professional wrestling’s proudest titles, morphed, diminished, watered down, embedded with long forgotten spinners, and bearing no semblance to the belts that once adorned the waists of the greatest of champions.

LOL this dude is upset they put a spinner on the world title belt years after the switch. "HOW DARE THEY TARNISH THE LEGACY OF THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD OF FAKE FIGHTS" I mean the spinner belts gay and all but it worked with the Cena character and was a sign that WWE was hip to the times. Plus the last time I was at a RAW this little black kid had a replica spinner belt and he looked like the happiest soul in the world. Babbysack is such a racist.

Whether you trace your fandom to Flair, Hogan or Sammartino;

What dude who watched Sammartino is still online reading about fucking wrestling? He's making me shoot lol

whether you adored the standard of Hart, the reputation of Austin, or the history of the Funks;

LOL

whether you’d prefer the science of Thesz,

LOOOL seriously who ever saw Lou Thesz wrestle? Also what does 'science' have to do with stretching inbred mooks and random japs?

the grandeur of Gagne, or the pomposity of Rogers; all of those legacies have been left trashed by current sentiment..

"JOHN CENER AND THE HOLLYWOOD WRITERS ARE KILLING THIS ONCE PRESTIGIOUS HONOR!!" Babbysack missed the girth of Big Show, the lazyness of Diesel, the professionalism of Backlund, the traps of Goldberg, the stingyness of Sting, the sadness of DDP, the roid rage of Warrior, the gigantism of Andre, the jersey white trashyness of Russo, the awesomeness of Vince, and the fake japaneseyness of Yokozuna.

Championships, Titles or Belts, the pinnacle of professional wrestling success was always…. Always….ALWAYS! measured by the man who held that symbolic piece of metal.Today, call it a prop. Call it something stupid. Call it something some guys carry around sometimes. Call it the grotesque degeneration of what the industry once was, what the sport once laid claim to, what the entertainment concept once touted.

Ugh Babbysack. Wrestling title belts have always....Always....ALWAYS! BEEN PROPS! This has never been a real sport. It will never be a real sport. No matter how much long term booking the McMahon's put into the 'product' wrestling will always be mocked. At best it will mocked for 90 seconds on PTI when a celebrity is involved with Mania.

Apparently, there are fans who are foolish enough to care too much. Apparently, we’re all supposed to sit down, shut up and be entertained by figureheads who sit on a mountain of domination never seen in this industry, but who cannot book a feud to reinvigorate their ever-dwindling fan base.

Faggots and Gentleman, the Glen Beck of the IWC

Sure, WrestleMania 25 broke many attendance numbers and gate records, but coming out of WrestleMania, has any other show shown so little buildup for the future?

"Sure, Wrestlemania 25 made a fuckload of money, but what about the TITLES?" The Babbysack goes on to show the world his 7 point plan to make wrestling titles important once again but no one wants to read that hogwash so I'll close out on a choice quote:

Which, in the end, is the point. Professional wrestling fans are not stupid.