Bits and Pieces

Hey, that was the title of a column in Hustler...if it was good enough for a 12 year old lad trying to find his way in a strange new world of full-spread beaver shots and incredibly racist cartoons, it's good enough for you.

I saw The Wrestler, finally. Shit, that was really, really good. How Mickey Rourke didn't get the Oscar can only be attributed to the Gay Conspiracy, or the fact that he would undoubtedly sully the Academy's good name by fake fighting Chris Jericho.

I recall a friend I had a s a kid telling me that Sean Penn always looked like he was about to sneeze, which was hilarious. And accurate.

Anyway, The parallels of a wrestler and a stripper as both being used up whores abusing their bodies to sell fantasy to fat, disgusting virgins while secretly aching to leave DA BIZNESS was awesome and pathetic and beautiful. Speaking of fat, gross virgins, I could have lived without seeing Paul Sisnowski (SHOOT NAMES) on my TV screen on a Sunday night. Man, fuck you, you fucking slob. I guess I should count myself lucky that the camera avoided Jim Fannin's smug, vaugely Asian, lard-stuffed fat fucking visage during the CZW segments of the movie.

So yeah, my point is that The Wrestler is some poignant, great shit. If you somehow avoided seeing it longer than I did, check it out, brother. Also, you get to see Marissa Tomei's RUUUUUUUDE TITTAYS.

All this talk of aging attention whores looking for a comeback leads me to...

Ric Flair wants to wrestle again. Yeah, and the sun sets in the west. This is the least shocking wrestling story of the year. Christ, how pathetic. The guy is leaving frantic voicemails on Johnny Ace's machine offering to come out of retirement and wrestle again, like Marissa Tomei's aging stripper pathetically angling for some college mooks to let her rub her ginch on them for a few bucks. Unreal. This old fucker is seriously delusional. He's been quoted as saying that he feels better than he did when he retired. Well yeah, a year off will do that for you. Especially a year off without any kind of drug testing. Here's a better idea, Naitch: work on your family and maybe try to help the kid you were never around for get off smack. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIS BIRTHDAYYYYYY? Fuck, man, fuck.

Nobody is updating this site. After the loss of Mike Dikk to real, gainful employment, it's been pretty much the Andrewbulous show. I'll do what I can, but come on dudes, little help here.

Dave Meltzer shoots on Scott Keith. Regarding the "Fall of WCW" DVD, America's preeminent fake fighting scribe wrote, "Their knowledge of WCW history appeared to be scouring the Internet and reading Scott Keith-level historical material." Sure, picking on Scooter is as easy as punching a retarded kid (actually, that's not much of a metaphor, since Netcop does look a little downsy), but it's still pretty fucking funny. Meltzer, since getting some Fuck You Money from yahoo, just don't give a fuck. It's tremendous. Next, he'll drive to Keith's house and ass fuck that beast that appears to be growing out of SK's shoulder, while Scott weeps. And masturbates. While weeping.

Raw not really worth watching. Damn, Smackdown, Superstars, and ECW all had some great wrestling last week. Raw has been shit for a while, and you might as well get to bed early for work the next day like I did. Unless you're like the aforementioned Green Lantern Fan or 90% of the people who watch this garbage and don't have a job and your plans for tomorrow are to waddle down to Gamestop and hit BK or Hardee's for a Monster Thickburger (hi Dean!) on the way home or whatever.

Anyway, thanks for reading, my dudes. That's all for right now. So long from The Sunshine State. More later, maybe.

Reid Flair Busted for Heroin. Fucking HEROIN!

This just in: Wrestlers are horrible, horrible parents.

Holy shit, is there some new Observer award for Biggest Fuckup Wrestling Child that Herbert Meltzer is keeping on the down low?

Reid Flair (shootname: Fleihrr or some shit), not to be outdone by The Hulkster's vapid, embarrassing spawn, turned that shit up to 11 by being ON SMACK. I mean fuck, it was some stiff competition. Nick Hogan turned a war veteran into a vegetable with a moon crater on his forehead, Hogan's other son is a tranny, but surely there had to be some intermediary step that could have outdone Hulk's kids' transgressions without going all the way into Artie Lange territory. God damn, Reid, baby steps, dude. Nobody in fake fighting goes all the way to The H. Word is Ted DiBiase Jr. is busy studying Mein Kampf to try to figure out how to top this shit.

While Reid's drug of choice is a surprise (seriously, heroin? There were no other options? Christ, Dean Malenko is surely tight with your dad and he was hooking up Benoit on the daily), it's no shock how this all turned out. I don't even want to think about how this dude grew up. Seriously, what the fuck is going on here:


I don't know who is who's mom in this picture, who the girlfriends are, maybe daughters, all 3? Dad is right there, all sweaty, clearly fucked up, and FUCK LOOK AT THAT EYE. Man oh man, this is just one night of this kid's existence, picked at random, and it's already some fucked up shit. Did they swing together an hour after this shot was taken? I bet Reid is so fucked up in this pic that he's wondering which of these three old ladies he's going to fuck first. Man, the shit Reid must have seen growing up. Fuck drugs, I want to know what the crawl space under Reid's house looks like. He probably has a Vietnamese transient's head in his freezer.

6-3-94 will update this story with any pertinent details. We hear that Reid has been taken into custody and may have already joined the Aryan Nation for protection in prison. Prison officials are anticipating some five star shivvings and anal rape all night long.

TNA and its Ever Faithful Fanbase

Recently the greatest letter ever written on the subject of fake fighting was posted on Twink Beaner Bryan Alvarez and Jew media mogul Dave Meltzer's web site. It was written by an inbred shit head, which makes sense since it was written about the virtues of TNA. I shall now do my best to dissect this epyllion into small, quivering, shit stained pieces.

Bill Walkowitz on why he likes TNA
(Wow, that's one helluva title right there. Right up there with The Butcher's Wife and The Slugger's Wife and The Astronaut's Wife in terms of removing any and all doubt as to what the subject is.)

I'd like to take a few minutes and respond back to Carl Evan's column. Maybe he can another point of view.
(Maybe he can what? See another point of view? I'm guessing you're going for the word see.)

I'm an old time wrestling fan in his 40's and have been watching since I was age 11 when I saw my first show at the International Ampitheatre in Chicago. Superstar Billy Graham and Dusty Rhodes were a tag team on that show.
(Oh man, that sounds like a kick ass show. By the way, what's an "ampitheatre"?)

I'm one of the customers that the WWE say is never right. I'm always wrong according to the land of McMahons. So since I'm so wrong according to them and the mindset there, I decided they're the ones who are wrong and rarely watch their product, and very rarely buy a PPV or go to one of their shows.
(I see. You are one of their "customers" and you rarely buy their PPVs or go to their shows because they don't see DA BIZ the same way that you do. Fair enough, but if you really feel that way why would you hand them your no doubt hard earned $$$$, even in rare instances? PS- despite your infrequent financial support it would appear that things of going well in "land of McMahons".)

I'm also a guy when I lived in NH was fortunate enough to work for three different indy companies,
(Oh SHIT, son, we got us an insider~!)

doing all the little things that help get a show going(setting up chairs, tables, ring, getting as building, locally promoting shows in commission towns that require a "resident" of the state to have the show put in his name.)
(lol, never mind)

One of them groups was host to a series of WWF training dojo shows,.so I was able to see guys like the Hardys, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle(being managed by Dory Funk jr), and also was very fortunate enough to meet Jim Cornette.
(This particular sentence is awesome, especially the part about you being "very fortunate enough" to meet Corny.)

What label that gives me, I don't know.
(I can name a few: Douche. Tard. Street Team Member. Am I getting warm?)

But first and foremost, I've always been a fan, and I know what drives THIS fan.
(Whatever it is that drives you I can be certain that A: It was made while the first Bush was in office at best and B: at one point or another you fucked a close relative in it. Most likely a cousin, although a sister cannot be ruled out yet.)

For all of Carl's opinions of TNA. TNA gives me more of what drives me as a fan than anything the WWE is doing.
(Uh huh. So basically what drives you, a 40 something self proclaimed old skool fan who met Jim Cornette, is a 6 sided ring, interchangeable indy guys, a wrestler based on a video game character and a roster that is about 30% former WWE employees. Hell yeah. Old skool as FUCK.)

Every promotion's going to have its flaws, name one that don't. But TNA has been the promotion that keeps me being a fan.
(And I'm sure they say an extra special prayer each night, thanking the god of their choosing for giving them such a super awesome fan like you.)

it's drives me to buy their PPV's watch their shows and go way out of my way and get their dvds
(Going out of your way to get a TNA DVD? Damn son, do you not know how to click around on the fucking internet?)

(like the long journey I went thru to get acoup[le recent dvds that were supposed to be at "major retailers now" but weren't and I have a walmart, the largest most major retailer in the world, right in the town I live in).
(I like where this is heading.)

It drove me to my local walmart and bitch and yell and complain about them having the TNA video game, but no DVDs, and now because I created such a fuss, I was able to yesterday purchase the Jeff jarrett 4 disc dvd set.
(YES! This is an image I would have loved to have seen in person. HAY YALL, WHERE'S THE DANG OL' JEFF JARRETT DVD? YALL GOT EVER DAMN ONE OF THEM WWF DVDS. IS YALL ON THE MACK MAN PAYROLL?)

Watching this and the kurt angle one reminds me why I hate WWE's product so much.
(Why? Because when the WWE employed them they performed in front of actual crowds and not amusement park guests?)

I'm tired of the McMahon family being shoved down my throat, and when they see it's not working, what do they do? They continue to do it anyway.
(Yes, which is precisely the exact same thing Jeff Jarrett did for the first 3 years of TNA's existence.)

I'm not the biggest Jeff Jarrett fan,
(Oh, what's this?)

but
(here it comes)

I found his dvd set more entertaining and great to watch than anything the WWE has done in over 2 years.
(WWE has sucked a million consecutive dicks for the last two years yet I can rest assured that the worst possible evening of WWE programming is a billion times more entertaining than 99% of what Jeff Jarrett has done in TNA.)

The only recent "WWE" dvd I bought was the one they put out on
World Class Championship Wrestling, anything else they put out now you'd be lucky you could pay me to watch it.
(I do believe if your hillbilly ass somehow tricked someone into paying you to watch wrestling YOU would be the lucky one.)

and if they actually DO something that's good(like letting Steamboat wrestle, which was about the only I liked about Wrestlemania),
(I am sure that for the last several years Steamboat has been BEGGING the McMahon family to just put him in the game. Those heartless fucks made the man BEG for another moment in the sun.)

They put the kabash on it right away, and thrust HHH/Orton in a way everyone
can see isn't working, not getting over and nobody cares about. But because he's married to "daddy's daughter" and daddy's daughter is in charge of creative, it's "let's put the blinders on because we know better than the fans who keep us in business will ever know" mentality.
(Yeah, HHH and Orton was a bag o' shit, no doubt. I'm sure TNA has NEVER had any sort of examples of nepotism. It's not like Dustin Rhodes got a push when his dad was booking. It's not like Jeff Jarrett kept getting main event spots simply because his family started the promotion. Nope, shit like that never happens in the vaunted halls of TNAland. TNA NEVER pushes someone when it clearly isn't working.)

HBK vs Undertaker, good but I've seen better.
(Like what? Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle SHOOT FIGHT~? The fake War Games match? Please enlighten us with what we are missing in TNA.)

I've seen where the simplest things still work, I grew up watching
well put Stan Hansen as a great example, when he came into the AWA he said "forget the NWA, Forget Ric Flair, I want to be AWA champion and Rick Martel, I'm going to be champion". Simple, to the point, bang! you got a reason and a storyline.
(If anything, and I mean anything in TNA were simple, I might actually watch it once in a while ((not really)). This is the same company that brought us such simplistic concepts as the King of the Mountain match, the Monsters Ball match and lest we forget the Hard Ten match. Simpler times, indeed.)

Or "I came here to the World Class Area because there's one world, and there should be one world champion". WWE's own Jerry Lawler said that when he was AWA world champion. again, simple, to the point, and it got over. TNA at least acknowledges there's other organizations out there, recognizes the past achievements of stars. There's alot of little things that TNA does that still drives this fan, this cuatomer who's always wrong according to the WWE.

(Dude, I have the feeling if the WWE booked their shows according to your vision each show would consist of two hours of cowboy gimmicks and heels throwing fireballs and blinding babyfaces. The fact that the world has, you know, changed over the last couple of decades obviously frightens you. What you have failed to consider is that pro wrestling, ESPECIALLY the WWE, tend to run 2-3 years behind current trends.)

Last time I checked the motor city machine guns were aspiring to be one of the best IWGP jr. tag champs ever. I don't know what Carl's looking at but I can see them putting those Japanese titles over on tv. Think Vince McMahon would ever do that now? nope. He's had the chance, did do that and flopped every time. he had the golden eggs of the NWA thing...flopped it, old ECW invasion...flopped it...WCW invasion...flopped it. At least TNA has taken some to build things up, WWE flopps at that too. hell the only group to get the old ECW invasion done right was Memphis, and who was the owner at the time? Lawler and Jerry Jarrett. So there's your "developed Explanation", Carl.
(At the time they were used, all three of the promotions you mentioned in the WWE's long list of inter-promotional failures were far more relevant than the IWGP titles. Even ECW.)

I was thrilled to see Gail Kim and Christian in TNA, it gave them two a chance to shine where they weren't before and in Gail Kim's situation, lost in the shuffle(again) in WWE). Christian on the WWE's "C" show isn't doing the numbers that he was doing when he was in TNA.
(Oh man, I hope this leads to him exposing his azn fetish. It's also awesome that TNA fans hang their hat on the fact that iMPACT! beats "the WWE's 'C' show". It is not that different from bragging about beating up the kid with cerebral palsy. Yeah, you won, but what have you accomplished? Also, Christian was just on Wrestlemania. I am willing to bet that 90% of TNA's roster would eat a steaming bowl of Mick Foley's shit to switch places with Christian.)

I think AJ Styles needs to go to promo school,
(Apparently super ultra mega #1 TNA fan has never seen THIS~!)

There's one of the things that drives this fan. I mjaynot like the way they repackaged Sama Joe, but I'm a great fan of what he can do in the ring, again, that is what drives this fan. Ring of HonorWithout Gabe is like Pizza without cheese and his absence is so noticeable.
(Wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Am I being worked?)

Funny Carl, you say the TNA ring work has desensitized fans to complicated ring work? pppps.. it hasn't with me so you should've said "some fans", or "Most fans", your generalizing when you really don't know what all fans think, kills your credibility.
(FUCK!)

TNA has one glaring flaw that won't go away, and that's Vince Russo.
(NO! FUCKKKK!)

For every time someone has tried to conmvince me he's a "genius" that he claims to be, I've been able to give validation to what beasily is nothing but a guy who've overhyped and hasn't created one thing that has put asses in seats.
(The spelling and grammatical errors should have been obvious. How did I fall for this?)

Anything he's done has flopped but because he's Jeff's buddy, he can continue to milk the company out of a paycheck he doesn't deserve to get.
(... wait a sec, maybe this is legit)

I'm not a fan of Foley having the title but it's tons better than Russo holding it, think about it.
(lol, if all Foley ever did in TNA was walk into the iMPACT! Center and take a shit in the ring while raping Don West he would be a million times more credible than any champ TNA has ever had.)

"Nothing about TNA tells me there are qualified wrestling veterans who can aptly book a good show". Is that so? Well I guess you're wrong again cause they're damn qualified enough to book a show that keeps this long time fan interested.
(You know, he has yet to name any one specific thing he likes about TNA.)

let's see YOU book a show that's perfect from top to bottom with no flaws whatsoever, and see how you react when people crap on it.
(Uh, DUH. If I were booking a show it would be fucking awesome so FUCK YOU. If people hated it I would make myself an on air character and call them names on TV. Your old skool sensible show would be 2 hours of Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test.)

before you say something like "well, what about you"? I have, and I did. as a birthday gift, one of the groups I worked for let me, and it went over well,
(Guys, this is Bill Walkowitz. His dream has always been to run a wrestling show. Tonight we are going to make his dream come true. Now all we need from him is his check for $3500 and for him to finish setting up the ring.)

what worked? simplest little things and because of one thing I did it elevated a guy to the next level and he was able to work on that to this very day, he works indys all over the northeast now, so you're wrong in that quote.
(I am hella sure that this nameless indy fag sits around each night, thanking his lucky stars that some fucking mark helped ELEVATE HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF INDY WRESTLING. Which is... more indy wrestling.)

I'd rather see Babe Ruth retired than anything WWE is doing.
(I don't even know what this means)

I'll watch reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter before I watch anything WWE has on.
(On this, we agree. Dog is the best racist dude with a TV show since, I dunno, Regis Philbin.)

I get WGN and could watch the new superstars show, why? I liked the old Superstars show they used to have in the 80's. Nothing new or exciting is going to come from there.
(New and exciting things rarely happened on the original Superstars tapings.)

I'm sure Mr. Cornette and I could classify a hundred bad indy groups, anything WWE does,and...your opinion as well..as crap..
(Yes, you and your colleague Mr. Cornette)

because this is one old time fan McMahon lost out on,
(Again, his loss I'm sure.)

that TNA and the way they present their show for the most part, has got, and
will keep.
(For reasons you have yet to make clear)

They are the ones that can drive this fan moreso than anybody else anywhere and that includes MMA.
(lol, gotta get in a jab at that new fangled MMA thing.)

So open your mouth, insert the foot, because, in the case of me, your opinion is dead wrong. I hope you can live with that..
(I'm sure the other douche who wrote a douche letter to another douche that was posted on a douche web site about a fake sport is texting his best friends his physical address as we speak.)

Bill Walkowitz

Portage, Wisconsin

There you have it, friends. The greatest pro wres letter ever written. I am a better person for having read this shit, and now, so are you. You are welcome.

-H.G.

Guest Columnist: Larry King

It's weird, becoming IWC famous makes strange bedfellows. SOmehow, old jew ass Larry King found out about our blog (I know, weird right?) and wanted to post a column. He personally e-mailed me this column and told me he'd want nothing more than to be featured on the 6394 blog and I can't deny him because he's like 400 years old and will die any day now, so there's a good chance we may have the last words Larry King will ever write, and they're about WRESTLING! -- editor


Welcome to the Larry King section of today's USA TODAY, er..., I mean, the 6-3-94 website thingy. I'll be periodically posting some thoughts on wrestling, MMA, being married seven times, and British girl groups.

*That John Cena's gonna go places, mark my words.

*You know who doesn't get enough credit for innovation in wrestling? S.D. Jones. The man made losing an artform.

*I met Steve Austin last week for brisket and brewskis. He says he's going to stay away from wrestling for the foreseeable future to really devote himself full-time to domestic violence.

*How about that Bobby Lashley? I think he's making a huge mistake by picking a fight with Bob Sapp. I mean, who's going to pay to see a WWE washout against an NFL washout?

*My good friend Hulk Hogan seems to be in a bit of trouble lately with his Rolling Stone interview. He's only saying what we've all thought at some point in time: vitamins and prayer DO lead to a healthier and longer life.

*You know who I wish I saw more of? Chris Benoit. What ever happened to that guy?

*I was taking in a ball game with Chance and Cannon and who do I see but Dale "The Demon" Torberg? An absolute gem of a worker who never got the push he deserved.

*When I was growing up, the neighborhood kids idolized Crusher Casey and Lou Thesz. Why can't my kids look up to this current spate of great grapplers like Cute Kip and Santino Marella?

*Regis Philbin and I were at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas taking in the sights last month, and we were greatly entertained. The period architecture is fantastic!

*Shawn is in the other room yelling at me to plug Garlique and Welch's Grape Juice. Done and done!

*David Duke, Guy Kawasaki and I walked into a bar the other day. For some reason, everybody started laughing. We finished our Slow Comfortable Screws against the Wall and left. That's the last time we go to the West Hollywood Manhole for drinks.

*My Latina maid always wears these low-cut dresses when she's mopping up my spills. I don't mean to stare, but I think she likes it by the way she always yells "Chinga tu madre, viejo pervertido!" I have no idea what it means, but I think I get the gist: She appreciates the attention!

*Dana White needs to partner up with Procter and Gamble. I would buy a double-branded Mr. White and Mr. Clean detergent.

*Charlie Haas is the one part of WWE television I can't miss.

*For that matter, I can't get enough of Raisha Saeed. Spicy!

*My handler's are telling me I have to go back to the studios to tape another interview with Sylvia Browne, so I'll wrap this column up. Be sure to watch my show on CNN every weeknight at 9PM, 8PM central.

n00z Of Honor

Every fledgling wrestling site needs it's share of hot news, and I am here to provide you with all of the week old news you can handle!

Unfortunately, this news has to deal with every shut-in's favorite wrestling promotion, ROH, and I have admittedly only watched around 6 ROH things in my life and most of them I would categorize as "Strongly Homoerotic" so I am not their biggest supporter, but News is News is News...


**Last weekend, 56 year old Jerry Lynn achieved his boyhood dream of winning the ROH championship title. General internet consensus is that Lynn is way too old to be holding a coveted world title that is won in a pre-determined imaginary wrestling fight. These of course are the same fans who wanted to see Ric Flair (who is legit old enough to be Jerry Lynn's grandpa) get "one last run" with the WWE title.

Jerry Lynn celebrating moments after his ROH title win.

**Speaking of Flair, has anyone else heard the rumors that a big Hollywood studio is planning on making a Flair biopic? My sources have told me the script's already been written, but they plan on changing Flair's signature Figure Four finisher to a Power Bomb, because Hollywood big shots don't think the common audience would understand the nuances of the Figure Four. Idiots!

**ROH manager/semi-wrestler/lone non-vanilla ROH personality Larry Sweeney has recently declared on his blog that he has ben suffering from a bout with Mental Retardation, also known as bi-polar disorder. The lardos behind the scenes at ROH have decided to Future Endeavor Sweeney, I'm assuming because Batman comic books and Hentai Animes have never dealt with Bi-Polar disorder before, so this is a foreign problem to them:

"In my judgement, the company treated me like a drug addict, not like a person with a medical condition. You see, if somebody shows up drunk or stoned to work and gets caught, then you can suspend or fire them... but in the eyes of the law, in such a crazy world where, because of our modern lifestyles, so many battle with their own types of crazy, well... if any person has a bout with craziness and is seeking care, they by law cannot be treated the same way that you would treat an addict. At least this is what my lawyers have told me.
Cary Silken suspended me from pittsburgh and new york with less than 48 hours notice and did not pay me. Before that, the company shorted me on money for the first tv tapings... then I came to houston and, despite my sobriety and clarity, and willingness to fly myself down on my own dime, I was told that I was not welcome."

This is pretty unfortunate, since Sweeney was pretty good at not being boring and making you forget you were watching Strongly Homoerotic wrestling programming. I PERSONALLY wish him all the best with his Future Endeavors, and ROH can GO SCREW for thinking a mental illness is the same thing as an awesome drug addicition. Fucking closet cases.


**Finally, the most wrestlingest ROH dude ever, Bryan Danielson may be leaving the company soon:

"According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Ring of Honor's Bryan Danielson is looking to pursue a career in Mixed Martial Arts when his ROH contract expires in May. The American Dragon has been training five hours a day at the Xtreme Couture in Las Vegas, and plans to continue his training in Thailand this summer."

Nerds on the internet are speculating a lot of nonsense about this whole mess. The most hilarious would be that Danielson is freeing himself up to get a WWE contract, as if WWE is scouring the globe looking for 5' 5" dudes who know a lot of wrestling holds and how to do european uppercuts properly. I don't think anyone believes he is actually entering MMA or anything. There has been no followup on whether or not Danielson knows that MMA isn't a fixed sport.


That's all for now!