Hacksaw is Wrestling at My House.

So I am moving to Brooklyn tomorrow afternoon. I have a job and I have no more time to play grabass on the internet with wrestling fruits. I don't know how often I wil be posting here from here on out, but this is my last hurrah, if you weel.

It turns out Hacksaw Jim Duggan was literally wrestling around the corner on my last night in this bullshit town, so I decided to go alone, because it was better than...being alone...I guess.

I have hangups with life, so I don't like going to public social events alone as I feel everyone is staring at me and making fun of me for being a lonely man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not socially retarded or anything, but being alone in these types of situations BUGS ME OUT. I warmed up earlier in the day by going to a Japanese restaurant all alone and ordering a perfectly cooked Chicken Katsu plate. After that, I had enough confidence to attend a scrubby wrestling event by myself.

The wrestling league or whatever was called POWER & GLORY WRESTLING. I guess they run locally in CT and they have their own little thing going on. I showed up fashionably late, because that's how you do things. Unfortunately, it wasn't late enough as I sat there for a half hour waiting. I also expected like 50 people to be there but the place was fucking PACKED. I don't know how many people, but definitely more people than will be at the next 5 IWA-MS shows combined. It was the most people I have seen at scrub wrestling in my life.

SO I am sitting there, and starting to freak a little because I am alone in a room with 400 white trash. Given the town I'm in, I fully expected the audience to be blacks and puerto ricans, which I can handle, but that much white trash gives me the panics. Oh, i was also DUMB high, which wasn't helping. Then, these three dudes sit next to me. They were all very chunky. I will go over their outfits:

Guy #1: Fat, tye dye Superman T Shirt, tucked into jeans, gut hanging over belt, bobo sneakers.
Guy #2: Fat, Bald, wearing a generic And 1 Basketball jersey Nothing underneath. t's def. not B0Ball jersey season, and it's NEVER Bball jersey season for fat bald white dudes), baggy jeans, and icy white And 1 kicks.
Guy #3: Fat, Urlacher Jersey, baseball cap, BLACK Jeans, those non slip black shoes you have to wear when you work in a kitchen.

Oh, and they were all wearing glasses. I would later find out that these dudes were INSIDERZ, but more on that later. At this point, I regret going to such a white trash function and I get the panics, but I calm myself down so it's all good.

The first thing was like Raw, where the main heel team comes out, which are a bunch of dudes who are like DX, and the leader looks like John Morrison. One of the guys is doing a fat gay aerobics gimmick and his name is Richard Seaman's. He's the best dude.

SO then after a bunch of yammering motherfucking RON ZOMBIE comes to clean house and the crowd goes APESHIT. Ron Zombie is a dude who has been on every single local wrestling card since I was in high school. He looks like if Cactus Jack was into Rob Zombie. he crowd is going APESHIT because he's southern CT's real life RANDY THE RAM except Ron has never been famous anywhere but southern CT.

Oh, so I forgot to mention MOTHERFUCKING OX BAKER was there. Not wrestling obviously, he's like 150 years old. he was just selling shit. He has this crazy loud booming voice and he was just kind of blabbing away doing crazy old man talk to no one in particular, but then he starts DISRESPECTING THE BIZ during the matches! During this Ron Zombie bullshit, Ox Baker legit tries to start a BORING chant, and I'm like FUCK YEAH OX BAKER! but I don't say that out loud because that wold be weird, so I just think it real hard.

Meanwhile, I find out these fat dorks next to me are INSIDERS because they start talking about "bumps" and "workers" and "stiff shots" and I start to puke a little. At least they didn't smell bad. I really wanted to turn to them and say, "Excuse me, do you know who the fuck I am? I am Contributor IV from the internet's most popular wrestling blog www.6394blog.com, Why don't you show some respect", but I didn't do that because that would have been queer.

Ok so that match was over. whatever, you guys don't care. Then the ring announcer comes in and he's like "there are refreshments in the back and also wrestling legend OX BAKER is in back signing autographs" and some older puerto rican dude a couple rows in front of me stands up, turns around and points to Ox and screams OX BAKER BABY!! and I'm like FUCK YEAH OLD PUERTO RICAN GUY YOU RULE, but again I don't say that out loud.

So then during another match the insiders are still blabbing about bumps and ROH and GABE and i'm puking, and then Ox Baker starts yelling at the referee for counting too slow and I start to wonder if Ox Baker is drunk, and how I could use a beer too, which is when I find out there are no beers at this event which becomes a nagging concern since I would have easily bought ten beers.

Ok, then at some other point, the ring announcer makes an announcement saying there is a special guest in the audience, as if like, Lawrence Taylor or Kirk Cameron is there, but it's just some local magician guy and Ox Baker yells WHO GIVES A SHIT at him, and I lose it again.

SO another match I will highlight: Some black guy comes out, sorry, I don't know his name, but he was supposed to be the bad guy, but his little mixed color children were in the audience in front of me holding up a sign for him and it was so touching. I cried a little. Then the next guy out was another black guy names THE PARK CITY GANGSTA, and THE PARK CITY is my old hood where I grew up and shit, so I was torn as to who to root for. The touching family man or the dude who was representing the B.P.T. It doesn't matter because the insiders started critiquing these dudes outfits and it was HILARIOUS. All wondering how much they spent on their ring gear. Oh, and then the dude in the basketball jersey started thinking out loud about what kind of promos he would cut in the ring which became a recurring theme during every match. THEN all of these dudes started talking about playing D&D, and I LOST MY SHIT. Like, I had to put my face in my hand because I couldn't keep it cool AT ALL.

So there were some matches, blah blah, and then an intermission so I go to buy an Ox Baker T Shirt because the dude is so awesome, and he was so fucking PUMPED someone was buying his T shirt because no one else gave a shit about him. Right after that he bounced though so I knew I wasn't gonna be getting more drunken commentary. Oh, I think he called a girl a bitch too! He might have said midget though! It was hard to decipher through the moustache.

So after the intermission the dork gang comes back and one of them now smells like cheap bathroom soap and bad breath, and I don't know how much more I can take with no beer being sold. THEN they start talking about some guy, and one of them says that Dave Prazak is a metrosexual, which was baffling. Dave Prazak looks like a lot of things, but metrosexual is not one of those things EVER. They were also saying how all of the wrestlers girlfriends were fat but these dudes mos. def. never saw a real vagina EVER.

Ok time for the MAIN EVENT. Hacksaw vs. the fake DX dude. For some reaosn I forgot Hacksaw's gimmick was being a lumbering retard. He started like 40000 USA chants. He was also wearing old school swim trunks as ring gear. No joke. So I guess it was the best match a 60 year old man can have with some scrub you never heard of.

All in all, I enjoyed myself. I wish there was beer. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle going to ROH by myself in June though (that was a plan of mine). Thanks for reading. Die slow, bloodsuckers.

Buddy Rose: YOU GOT SERVED (By Diabeetus)

A wrestler by the name of Buddy Rose died yesterday. I don't know much about the guy except for the clip above which I remember seeing on Saturday Night's Main Event when I was a tiny fat child. According to the internet, Rose was probably 56 and he probably died by the cruel hand of Diabeetus. Thoughts AND prayers to Buddy Rose, some fat guy jobber from the WWF who will be remembered more fondly by old creepo touchers who actually watch wrestling from back before VCR's were invented. Stay Black Mr. Rose. You will live in my memories for at least the next 4 minutes.

Week Old ROH from 4/18

Well, I am still unemployed because God and Jesus Christ both hate me and want to see me suicide instead of becoming a working man, but luckily that means I have enough time to lay around unshaven and watch ROH on the internet. At least this time around I'm actually wearing pants.

Before I start this bullsquid (which you can watch here for yourself), I look at the upcoming ROH TV schedule and notice there are no Sara Del Ray matches for a month and a half, so I'm already pretty pissed off. Well it's starting now and I'm paying a little more attention now and I can tell that Prazak and Hogman aren't in an actual room but are indeed in front of a fake ass looking green screen image. It is sad that ROH cannot afford a real room with TV monitors inside of it.

JIMMY JACOBS vs. NECRO MOTHERFUCKING BUTCHER

I've never actually seen a Jimmy Jacobs match because I can't take this dude seriously. They say he's 172 lbs and even if that's his shoot weight, and I'm sure it's not, that is still a bullshit weight for a god damn wrestler. How did this guy get popular? Was he exclusively fighting children and women before coming to ROH? Please someone explain to me why anyone would want to watch this fucking guy wrestle?
Necro Butcher is obviously one of the best wrestlers on earth and you should fucking know that already if you are reading a wrestling blog. Unfortunately, ROH does not believe in light tube matches, so we get a friendlier version of Necro Butcher wit a pwecious wittle staple gun and nothing else, and then the ref takes that away from him because wrestling is SERIOUS BUSINESS in ROH. If I ever go to ROH (Won't happen), I will try and start a SERIOUS BUSINESS chant, but I think there's one too many syllables to make that chant work.
Necro Butcher isn't the biggest dude, but he still towers over the diminutive Jacobs. I bet Jacobs brings a bag lunch to ROH and it's bite sized Three Musketeers bars and a Lil SSips juice box.
So after a while they are BRAAAAAWLIN' and Jacobs pulls out a plastic bag from his pants. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why would you have a plastic bag of all things hidden in your pants? Maybe that's what he carried his lunch in?
So then after a few minutes Brodie Lee comes in on behalf of his elven friend Jimmy Jacobs on Necro wins by DQ aka, the most bullshit way to win a match. I guess this is how Jimmy Jacbos wins matches.

Now we are backstage with Tyler Durden who is interviewing Jimmy Albright, one of the many plain white boring faces of ROH. I AM DROWSY CLAP CLAP CLAP.

SAMI CALLIHAN vs. EDDIE KINGSTON

It is so obvious in his pre-match promo that Sami Callihan is a jobber but he's trying so hard not to be and it's so cute. Eddie Kingston is a dude who is wildly popular by indie wrestling standards, and I never understood why. He has a beer gut, and he looks like every single Puerto Rican dude I have ever known who is always telling you about how they have this "awesome" job at a warehouse for some Pharmaceutical distributor and they can hook you up with a job if you want it, but you really don't want it because you'd rather be jobless and starving than lift heavy ass boxes full of syringes and god knows what for 60 hours a week at ten dollars an hour ("but the overtime is worth it" they will say). Maybe indie wrestling fans don't know any real life Puerto Ricans? To me, Eddie Kingston is more or less my brother-in-law in kung fu pants and a spandex wifebeater.
Well, Sami Callihan, who is wearing a really fruity singlet that rides up way too high in the thigh and dick area, gets in way too much offense and then Eddie Kingston makes him bleed FOR REAL somehow, and eventually ends up beating this scrub with a...discus punch....sort of....thing. What a great finisher!

Durden is backstage with Claudio Castagnoli, who is a wrestler I actually like, mainly because , you know, he LOOKS like a wrestler. Claudio is doubly funny because he is trying to be funny and his natural shitty euro accent makes him funny.

Oh great Hogman and the other toucher are "talking" to New ROH CHAMP Jerry Lynn "Via Satellite" and it's so hilarious because you can totally tell they aren't really talking to each other, like when Space Ghost interviewed people on his talk show. Jerry Lynn has been wrestling for something like 45 years, you would think he'd learn to talk a little somewhere in there.

BOBBY DEMPSEY vs. ORANGE CASSIDY

Bobby Dempsey looks like every fat kid you picked on in high school, or in some of our readers cases, Bobby Dempsey is the wrestler you can most relate to. Orange Cassidy is such a jobber that he doesn't even get the prerequisite intro nonsense. Dempsey beats him in like 9 seconds, and I'm not sure if they're trying to make Bobby Dempsey some type of Vader character or what's going on, but if they are, that's a pretty bad idea, because when I see Bobby Dempsey, all I think of are titty twisters and swirlies, not an unstoppable monster.

Then there's a segment called "buzzwords" with some guy called Erick Stevens and I will not even dignify this. That's about a minute of airtime they could have dedicated to Sara Del Ray highlights. Screwers.

CHEECH & CLOUDY vs. RHETT TITUS & KENNY KING

Cheech & Cloudy are so lame they don't even get real PRO-TIPS. They also come out to ska music. Cloudy is from the Jimmy Jacobs school of tiny wrestlers too. His head is barely above the top rope! Titus & King are some more jobbers trying really hard not to be jobbers. I can tell this match won't interest me since it's a battle to see which team are the better jobbers so I start playing with Twitter on my phone. After a few minutes I look up and Cloudy is ascending to the top rope, but Kenny King pushes his sorry ass off of it and Cloudy goes flying face first into the ringside barricade thing. Then they do a pretty dope springboard Blockbuster for the win and maybe these guys aren't jobbers after all.

MAIN EVENT: CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI vs. BRENT ALBRIGHT

Claudio uses a scrub as a step stool to enter the ring. The announcers don't Say shit about Brent Albright being related to Gary Albright, so I guess that's a coincidence, and I'm kind of bummed out. Gary Albright was awesome. Brent on the other hand, looks like a douche, but at least he looks like an actual wrestler. I can't believe this dude is the "good guy". He comes to the ring in a sleeveless leather trench coat. How can any self respecting human root for a man with such bad fashion sense? Bullshit aside, this match was pretty dope, again because both dudes were the size of normal wrestlers and no one looked like they'd have to be home when the street lights cut on. Unfortunately, Claudio wins with a roll up, just like how Jerry Lynn won in the main event last week (except this roll up was a lot less stupid) because I guess the whole gimmick of this ROH show is that they give you some nothing jobber matches and then the main event may consist of two guys who are exciting but you won't see an awesome finish because you need to go to an ROH show or buy an overpriced DVD to see the real shit. I'm never going to do those things so I don't know how much more of this show I can take if it's going to stick to straight jobber wrestle fights with no SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT in between. Especially if there isn't a healthy dose of Sara Del Ray to administer an adrenaline shot to my pants.