Week Old ROH from 4/18

Well, I am still unemployed because God and Jesus Christ both hate me and want to see me suicide instead of becoming a working man, but luckily that means I have enough time to lay around unshaven and watch ROH on the internet. At least this time around I'm actually wearing pants.

Before I start this bullsquid (which you can watch here for yourself), I look at the upcoming ROH TV schedule and notice there are no Sara Del Ray matches for a month and a half, so I'm already pretty pissed off. Well it's starting now and I'm paying a little more attention now and I can tell that Prazak and Hogman aren't in an actual room but are indeed in front of a fake ass looking green screen image. It is sad that ROH cannot afford a real room with TV monitors inside of it.

JIMMY JACOBS vs. NECRO MOTHERFUCKING BUTCHER

I've never actually seen a Jimmy Jacobs match because I can't take this dude seriously. They say he's 172 lbs and even if that's his shoot weight, and I'm sure it's not, that is still a bullshit weight for a god damn wrestler. How did this guy get popular? Was he exclusively fighting children and women before coming to ROH? Please someone explain to me why anyone would want to watch this fucking guy wrestle?
Necro Butcher is obviously one of the best wrestlers on earth and you should fucking know that already if you are reading a wrestling blog. Unfortunately, ROH does not believe in light tube matches, so we get a friendlier version of Necro Butcher wit a pwecious wittle staple gun and nothing else, and then the ref takes that away from him because wrestling is SERIOUS BUSINESS in ROH. If I ever go to ROH (Won't happen), I will try and start a SERIOUS BUSINESS chant, but I think there's one too many syllables to make that chant work.
Necro Butcher isn't the biggest dude, but he still towers over the diminutive Jacobs. I bet Jacobs brings a bag lunch to ROH and it's bite sized Three Musketeers bars and a Lil SSips juice box.
So after a while they are BRAAAAAWLIN' and Jacobs pulls out a plastic bag from his pants. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why would you have a plastic bag of all things hidden in your pants? Maybe that's what he carried his lunch in?
So then after a few minutes Brodie Lee comes in on behalf of his elven friend Jimmy Jacobs on Necro wins by DQ aka, the most bullshit way to win a match. I guess this is how Jimmy Jacbos wins matches.

Now we are backstage with Tyler Durden who is interviewing Jimmy Albright, one of the many plain white boring faces of ROH. I AM DROWSY CLAP CLAP CLAP.

SAMI CALLIHAN vs. EDDIE KINGSTON

It is so obvious in his pre-match promo that Sami Callihan is a jobber but he's trying so hard not to be and it's so cute. Eddie Kingston is a dude who is wildly popular by indie wrestling standards, and I never understood why. He has a beer gut, and he looks like every single Puerto Rican dude I have ever known who is always telling you about how they have this "awesome" job at a warehouse for some Pharmaceutical distributor and they can hook you up with a job if you want it, but you really don't want it because you'd rather be jobless and starving than lift heavy ass boxes full of syringes and god knows what for 60 hours a week at ten dollars an hour ("but the overtime is worth it" they will say). Maybe indie wrestling fans don't know any real life Puerto Ricans? To me, Eddie Kingston is more or less my brother-in-law in kung fu pants and a spandex wifebeater.
Well, Sami Callihan, who is wearing a really fruity singlet that rides up way too high in the thigh and dick area, gets in way too much offense and then Eddie Kingston makes him bleed FOR REAL somehow, and eventually ends up beating this scrub with a...discus punch....sort of....thing. What a great finisher!

Durden is backstage with Claudio Castagnoli, who is a wrestler I actually like, mainly because , you know, he LOOKS like a wrestler. Claudio is doubly funny because he is trying to be funny and his natural shitty euro accent makes him funny.

Oh great Hogman and the other toucher are "talking" to New ROH CHAMP Jerry Lynn "Via Satellite" and it's so hilarious because you can totally tell they aren't really talking to each other, like when Space Ghost interviewed people on his talk show. Jerry Lynn has been wrestling for something like 45 years, you would think he'd learn to talk a little somewhere in there.

BOBBY DEMPSEY vs. ORANGE CASSIDY

Bobby Dempsey looks like every fat kid you picked on in high school, or in some of our readers cases, Bobby Dempsey is the wrestler you can most relate to. Orange Cassidy is such a jobber that he doesn't even get the prerequisite intro nonsense. Dempsey beats him in like 9 seconds, and I'm not sure if they're trying to make Bobby Dempsey some type of Vader character or what's going on, but if they are, that's a pretty bad idea, because when I see Bobby Dempsey, all I think of are titty twisters and swirlies, not an unstoppable monster.

Then there's a segment called "buzzwords" with some guy called Erick Stevens and I will not even dignify this. That's about a minute of airtime they could have dedicated to Sara Del Ray highlights. Screwers.

CHEECH & CLOUDY vs. RHETT TITUS & KENNY KING

Cheech & Cloudy are so lame they don't even get real PRO-TIPS. They also come out to ska music. Cloudy is from the Jimmy Jacobs school of tiny wrestlers too. His head is barely above the top rope! Titus & King are some more jobbers trying really hard not to be jobbers. I can tell this match won't interest me since it's a battle to see which team are the better jobbers so I start playing with Twitter on my phone. After a few minutes I look up and Cloudy is ascending to the top rope, but Kenny King pushes his sorry ass off of it and Cloudy goes flying face first into the ringside barricade thing. Then they do a pretty dope springboard Blockbuster for the win and maybe these guys aren't jobbers after all.

MAIN EVENT: CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI vs. BRENT ALBRIGHT

Claudio uses a scrub as a step stool to enter the ring. The announcers don't Say shit about Brent Albright being related to Gary Albright, so I guess that's a coincidence, and I'm kind of bummed out. Gary Albright was awesome. Brent on the other hand, looks like a douche, but at least he looks like an actual wrestler. I can't believe this dude is the "good guy". He comes to the ring in a sleeveless leather trench coat. How can any self respecting human root for a man with such bad fashion sense? Bullshit aside, this match was pretty dope, again because both dudes were the size of normal wrestlers and no one looked like they'd have to be home when the street lights cut on. Unfortunately, Claudio wins with a roll up, just like how Jerry Lynn won in the main event last week (except this roll up was a lot less stupid) because I guess the whole gimmick of this ROH show is that they give you some nothing jobber matches and then the main event may consist of two guys who are exciting but you won't see an awesome finish because you need to go to an ROH show or buy an overpriced DVD to see the real shit. I'm never going to do those things so I don't know how much more of this show I can take if it's going to stick to straight jobber wrestle fights with no SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT in between. Especially if there isn't a healthy dose of Sara Del Ray to administer an adrenaline shot to my pants.

So I guess Sweeney really is mental

Special thanks to RAPBOY 4:20:69 for the HOT TIPS

part 1:


part 2:


So basically, this is Larry Sweeney outside of the Astrodome (or wherever the fuck WM25 was held) on Wrestlemania weekend agreeing to partake in some backyard wrestle fighting with some fat kid. In Part one it's mostly talking, and it gets to a point of awkwardness where Sweeney resembles a drunk uncle making a TMI sexual speech at a family gathering in front of your 9 year old cousins. REAL TALK: It was kind of hard for me to watch without cringing.

The 2nd part is said backyard wrestle fight with some fat kid, and then at the very end he gives a "promo" which is also odd and rambling and just not something a sane person would do. Thoughts AND prayers go out to Larry Sweeney. Get better bro. STAY UP. ONE LOVE.

Week Old ROH Recap Bonanza

Ok so I'm not cool enough to have HDNet, but some guy on Youtube has permission to post the ROH on HDNet episodes a few days after they air, which means I will be recapping a weekly show one week late that features wrestling that was recorded like 3 months ago. SO basically this is pointless.

Anyway, you can go here to watch all of this shit if you feel the need to.

Here is your 4/11/2009 Episode recap of ROH ON HDNet

Show opens with our hosts Mike Hogwood and Dave Prazak in the ROH WAR ROOM (i.e. some room with a bunch of TV monitors in it, or they could be in a room with a green screen that's projecting a room with a bunch of TV monitors in it. I don't know). Both men look like creepo pedo touchers but Hogwood looks like your more traditional creepy pedo toucher who keeps polaroids of young boys in Underoos in his tool shed behind the box he keeps his drill bits and screws in ,while Prazak looks more like your modern day creepy pedo toucher complete with Guy Fieri level douchebag facial hair and bad bleache job. I imagine he will get busted one day bringing in his computer for repairs and the curious computer repairman will open up a folder marked DAVES PRIVATE WORK FILES and find 80 gigs of questionably legal pornography and Dave will be like "Lol how did that get there?" and get sent to the pokey.

Our first match is KENNY OMEGA vs. AUSTIN ARIES, but before each match they give the wrasstlers a little pre-recorded promo time. Kenny Omega is up first and he looks like he is mos. def. Gay For Pay. My assumptions are confirmed because on the wrestlers way to the ring, ROH provides you with these little side bar PRO TIPS graphics featuring notable things about each wrestlers and Kenny's PRO TIP is that he's a "Unique Individual" so ROH offices are basically recognizing his lifestyle choices.
Austin Aries is next and I think at one point he was just another boring bland white guy, but now he's going for some kind of cocky gay biker gimmick with silly facial hair and I can respect that. It is better to be a gay biker in the world of wrestling than a boring hairless flippy white guy for sure.
The bell rings and these guys fucking WRESTLE and WRESTLE some more and the crowd is CHANTING and CLAP CLAP CLAPPING and there is no doubt this is motherfucking ROH CLAP CLAP CLAP. This match goes and goes for several thousand minutes and I am not the type to recap all of the MOVES but there were a lot of MOVES and this reminds me of some kind of no name bullshit opening match on an old BATtlarts tape except Aries and Omega's kicks and strikes are those of precious little babies and not at all brutal. Then after a quck game of grabass Austin Aries dropkicks Kenny Omega in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him a brainbuster and it's over, I didn't mind this match that much despite my severe homophobia.

Next up we have a backstage interview with some guy interviewing ROH Champ RANDY THE RAM JERRY LYNN. This is boring as fuck and I only want to see ROH backstage interviews if they involve The Briscoes because those dudes are full of the realest of Real Talk.

Our next match is ERNIE OSIRUS vs. DELIRIOUS. Ernie Osirus is either supposed to be a homelss heroin addict, or Necro Btucher's little brother, I'm not sure. Delirious is a white man who wears a mask, speaks in gibberish and listens to death metal, so it's hard for me to choose who to root for. After a couple of minutes of forgettable wrestle fighting, Delirious Knees Osirus in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him an awkward top rope splash and it's over. who gives a shit?

Backstage with some guy again interviewing Jimmy Jacobs and Brodie Lee. Jimmy Jacobs is either the tiniest normal wrestler ever or the biggest midget wrestler, I can't tell. You would think the dude could maybe lift some weights before appearing on TV or something. THIS IS BORING CLAP CLAP CLAP.

Now we are treated to a ladies match, and I respect ROH for recognizing that internet wrestling fans are afraid of women so they get all of these middle of the road looking girls that don't look like WWE's shoot sluts with hot tits and tons of makeup, but they aren't complete hose beasts that would make you barf in your lap. All of these women look approachable, and by approachable I mean, I could realistically have sex with them if I were to meet them. Anyway, the match is SARA DEL RAY & SASSY STEPHIE (w/ Larry Sweeney) vs. DAIZEE HAZE & NAVAEH. During the pre-match promo Sweeney is openly trying to grope Sassy Stephie and I start a THIS IS AWESOME CLAP CLAP CLAP chant in my bedroom. It figures they fired this dude. assholes. Both Del Ray and Sassy Stephie have visible tramp stamps so I know they fucking party. I don't want to get too far off my important professional recapping duties but I am totally mesmerized by Sara Del Ray. From the waist up she's like this normal perfectly fit woman but she has these gigantic ham thighs that look like they can no doubt crush a man's head DEAD during acts of cunnilingus. I don't know dick about exercising (If I did I wouldn't be blogging about wrestling for sure), but I'd like to know what kind of training regimen you need to be on to have that body. For this alone, Sara Del Ray is my favorite ROH wrestler and I want nothing more than to meet her and shotgun Budweisers with her and trace "I <3 U" on the small of her back with my fingertip.
Ok, Daizee Haze has the body of Olive Oyl and Navaeh is not much to look at in the face but she has a nice rack. Daizee's ring music is some stock reggae shit and that coupled with her stoner ring name and hippie looking outfits, I assume she gets down 4:20 24/7 and has much respeck for jah rastafari BO BO BO MURDAH DEM, so she is dope in my book too.
Anyway, they wrestle and some stuff happens and I honestly forgot who won because I spent the whole time thinking about what I would do on a date with Sara Del Ray.

Now it's time for our MAIN EVENT: JERRY THE RAM LYNN vs. BRODIE LEE. I guess this was recorded before Jerry Lynn was the champ. I am happy to see that Jerry Lynn still comes out to death metal. I was afraid they'd give him some lame Bruce Springsteen song because he's an OLD BROKEN DOWN PIECE A MEAT THAT LIVES IN A TRAILER AND WORKS AT A DELI COUNTER. Brodie Lee is a "trucker", which means he has a beard and wears a wifebeater and jeans, so he looks like 75% of my real life friends who aren't at all truckers. He is a big looking dude, but he is much more impressive looking in CHIKARA where he is literally 7 times larger than everyone else on the roster (except Claudio). These guys have a wrestling match and it's basically like ECW 1999 all over again except instead of Rhino or the one big guy from DA BALDIES, we have Brodie Lee. 1999 was now 10 years ago and Brodie Lee was just a young pup. Lee kills Lynn for a while with his Big Guy offense, and then Lynn pulls out a wack small package and wins. What the fuck? We couldn't even get a Ram Jam? Man, fuck this match.

That's it. Perhaps I will do this again next week. PERHAPS NOT.

RETURN OF THE GABE

Credit: Insider source, Virgil Wrestling Superstar

Glory days are here again.

Smarks have been wondering around aimlessley since evil CARY canned the messianic GABE in what was seen as an act of treachery against the man who gave us the jap experience of watching ***** classics in some shithole in new jersey. He allowed us to live our dreams of being puro fans as ROD STRONG became our defacto kawada. He even brought crippled cancer victim KOBASHI to excahnge chops with some tubby samoan which gave roh STRONGSTYLE legitness. yes, a real life jap who did REAL WRESTLING not SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT (spits). Some smarks hung on desperately whilst crying as they saw a boring tv product that didnt reflect the true FIGHTINGSPIRITO of the promotion they once loved. others turned to cosplay promotion chikara and their brand of ironic "wackiness" made for grown manchildren fetishising their youth....

...But now therr is light where once there was darkness. GABE returns and he has brought the smarks not just one jap but many many skinny hairless somersaulting japs. ROH is dead, long live DRAGON GATE-O USA!



DGU! DGU! DGU!

n00z Of Honor

Every fledgling wrestling site needs it's share of hot news, and I am here to provide you with all of the week old news you can handle!

Unfortunately, this news has to deal with every shut-in's favorite wrestling promotion, ROH, and I have admittedly only watched around 6 ROH things in my life and most of them I would categorize as "Strongly Homoerotic" so I am not their biggest supporter, but News is News is News...


**Last weekend, 56 year old Jerry Lynn achieved his boyhood dream of winning the ROH championship title. General internet consensus is that Lynn is way too old to be holding a coveted world title that is won in a pre-determined imaginary wrestling fight. These of course are the same fans who wanted to see Ric Flair (who is legit old enough to be Jerry Lynn's grandpa) get "one last run" with the WWE title.

Jerry Lynn celebrating moments after his ROH title win.

**Speaking of Flair, has anyone else heard the rumors that a big Hollywood studio is planning on making a Flair biopic? My sources have told me the script's already been written, but they plan on changing Flair's signature Figure Four finisher to a Power Bomb, because Hollywood big shots don't think the common audience would understand the nuances of the Figure Four. Idiots!

**ROH manager/semi-wrestler/lone non-vanilla ROH personality Larry Sweeney has recently declared on his blog that he has ben suffering from a bout with Mental Retardation, also known as bi-polar disorder. The lardos behind the scenes at ROH have decided to Future Endeavor Sweeney, I'm assuming because Batman comic books and Hentai Animes have never dealt with Bi-Polar disorder before, so this is a foreign problem to them:

"In my judgement, the company treated me like a drug addict, not like a person with a medical condition. You see, if somebody shows up drunk or stoned to work and gets caught, then you can suspend or fire them... but in the eyes of the law, in such a crazy world where, because of our modern lifestyles, so many battle with their own types of crazy, well... if any person has a bout with craziness and is seeking care, they by law cannot be treated the same way that you would treat an addict. At least this is what my lawyers have told me.
Cary Silken suspended me from pittsburgh and new york with less than 48 hours notice and did not pay me. Before that, the company shorted me on money for the first tv tapings... then I came to houston and, despite my sobriety and clarity, and willingness to fly myself down on my own dime, I was told that I was not welcome."

This is pretty unfortunate, since Sweeney was pretty good at not being boring and making you forget you were watching Strongly Homoerotic wrestling programming. I PERSONALLY wish him all the best with his Future Endeavors, and ROH can GO SCREW for thinking a mental illness is the same thing as an awesome drug addicition. Fucking closet cases.


**Finally, the most wrestlingest ROH dude ever, Bryan Danielson may be leaving the company soon:

"According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Ring of Honor's Bryan Danielson is looking to pursue a career in Mixed Martial Arts when his ROH contract expires in May. The American Dragon has been training five hours a day at the Xtreme Couture in Las Vegas, and plans to continue his training in Thailand this summer."

Nerds on the internet are speculating a lot of nonsense about this whole mess. The most hilarious would be that Danielson is freeing himself up to get a WWE contract, as if WWE is scouring the globe looking for 5' 5" dudes who know a lot of wrestling holds and how to do european uppercuts properly. I don't think anyone believes he is actually entering MMA or anything. There has been no followup on whether or not Danielson knows that MMA isn't a fixed sport.


That's all for now!