Ugh. Impact.

Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

Why in the living goddamn am I reviewing Impact?

I seldom watch TNA, I am not ultra familiar with the product. But I am dumb enough to watch it now and try to elicit some fond laughter from you, the idiots that read this garbage ass blog for morons. So here we go.
I missed the opening segment. I don't care.
A Suicide video package... I guess a guy named Suicide shouldn't really be trying to win wrestling matches, should he? Why would he care? He's suicidal yall, he ain't ambitious!
The Sheik yells something, apparently Arabs and Japs have a commonality in hating America. I hate America too. I am with the Sheik. Why does he hate Suicide? Isn't Suicide Mexican or something? What the fuck.
Hey, a wrestling match. Chris Sabin is uglier than Alex Shelley by a LOT. Homicide is 5150 en la kabeza. He has a "gangstafied" briefcase. A Japanese guy hates America! A bearded man politely and daintily applauds the hapless resident of glorious Nippon. Homicide is really good, he does a pretty crazy dive then lands on his feet and runs harmlessly into the wall to act like he too is dead. What race is Homicide anyway? I cannot tell. I will call him Puerto Rican and be done with it for I know no Ricans and I don't want to besides. The ref is bigger than the wrestlers. Homicide wins with a thunderous RKO from the toprope.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SPIKE DUDLEY AND BALLS MAHONEY ARE HERE!
Abyss is talking to Jim Cornette about something when ODB shows up. What the fuck. There's two sorts of people btw: Those who would fuck ODB and LIARSSSSSSSS. An interesting Oliver Wendell Douglas joke concludes this segment. Is there enough booze in the world to help Cornette cope with this crap?
The boringest segment ever is here.
Awesome Kong sure is... a big fat gladiator woman with MMA gloves. Are the Beautiful People the best thing in TNA? I am kind of mad Cheerleader Melissa is under a burka. The Beautiful People cut Kong's extensions and Don West quickly loses interest. So do I. I check my Facebook. Someone challenges me to an 80s movie trivia contest. I concede.
D-Von's forehead rules. Bubba does a promo on tape, then he does one to Lauren. Spike shows up! A water bottle on top of the locker falls over! Balls shows up! Balls does an impersonation of the old priest from Father Ted! Spike and Balls would rather wrestle an indy than be on TNA!
Cody Deaner rules and so does Abyss's music kind of. Daffney, marry me babe. I want to take Daffney in my arms, dip her so low, give her the most passionate kiss. She looks in my eyes, I look in hers. She invites me back to her apartment. I go back to her apartment. We do stuff there. ODB has some really inappropriate mannerisms, man. Matt Morgan, who is STILL not in the WWE for some reason, beats up Abyss.
Mick Foley high fives a random dude then says "YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about! HIGH FIVE!" Fuck you if you don't like Mick Foley.
I am gonna take a shower and miss some of Impact as I did judo tonight and my ass and crotch are probably awash in odor producing bacteria.
I return from my shower to see that Mick Foley has killed Sting and is acting crazy. Awesome.
Beer Money beats up Spike and Balls for soooooooo long. They completely obliterate them a number of times and then finally the Dudley Boys run in and chase away Beer Money. A little late, guys?
But they make up for lost time by being there after the commercial break and are really mad! They are REALLY mad!
Jeff Jarrett apparently needed another man for his team for some crap or whatever and he announces him: The 50 year old guy from the Bowflex commercial who is living his dream via being in a rock band.. That guy and Kurt Angle have a pretty decent little match, I guess, and it ends via double pin. Kurt Angle gets so mad that he calls the referee a "son of a bitch" and the ref makes the best HOW DARE YOU!?!?! face of all time. Then Kurt calls Jim Cornette a "son of a bitch" also albeit it is extremely slurred and spits on Cornette: Once inadvertently, once entirely on purpose. Cornette says the motion stands and Kurt Angle starts to choke the old man as we go to commercial. Hmm.
So.. Okay. I don't know. Jeff Jarrett reviews the tape and in the interest of fairness says that Kurt Angle actually won. Kurt Angle responds by being THE HAPPIEST MAN OF ALL TIME. He is jumping around and hugging Scott Steiner over and over. Suddenly, Samoa Joe's music hits and HE RUNS TO THE RING...
Show ends.
What?
Apparently this was one of the best Impacts in recent memory and that may well be. I've never watched a complete episode. I guess I still haven't but this is the most of any episode I've ever watched. It was.... Hmm. It wasn't horrible! There were a lot of little things that made me laugh which is more than can be said for Raw, at which I only laughed once (which was Santino nervously biting his fist.)
Well, I'll probably watch the pay per view on justin.tv so they convinced me of that much. God bless, yall.