BACKLASH: A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA

A: Hi everyone it's old Mike and Andrew again to say whatever the hell about this wrestling show that we just saw. We're best friends!!!!

JACK SWAGGER VS CHRISTIAN

A: Jack Swagger looks a lot like Jake Busey if Jake Busey looked a little less like Gary Busey. He is about 10 feet tall and absolutely awesome. He is a guy with a LEGITIMATE AMATEUR BACKGROUND and he does stuff like the rolling germans except it's actually just the rolling amateur wrestling takedown and stuff. He's the best. Christian is a tiny little Canadian who Vince McMahon apparently hates. This was a dandy little match but I don't remember much about it because it was like 4 hours ago. I do remember Jack Swagger trying to do the like Vader splash maneuver but from the top rope so really it was just a top rope splash but facing the wrong way. Also the finish was Christian cheating in a smart way as opposed to Jack Swagger's dumb cheating, and so we learn that cheating is cool if you're smart about it which everyone already knew anyway. After the match, Christian sees Edge and is like "What's up bro you used to be about the MUSIC" and Edge is like "Fuck you bro."

M: This was the best match just because Jack Swagger is an awesome ass dude anr probably needs to get off of bullshit ECW by tomorrow. ECW is for scrubs, Jack Swagger is the real deal. So what if homeboy has a lisp. Dusty Rhodes talked like a black retard and he is one of the most popular dudes of all time. I wanted to see Swagger win this shit just because Christian was being such a bitch to him on that EC DUB episode I wached but whatever. I'm sure he will be on RAW soon enough. Also the shit with Edge and Christian was pretty cool because it probably made the SMART MARKS at home finally pee their pants with happiness that they acknowledged that Edge and Christian were tight bros but now Edge is like "n word please".

CHRIS JERICHO VS RICKY STEAMBOAT

A: I honestly don't remember too much about this. This was like the wrestling match for guys who want to see two dudes wrestle who are both really good but one is old and one is Canadian and neither does anything amazing. So they wrestled back and forth in like an amazing display of technical knowhow or whatever and then Jericho gave Steamboat the Walls of Boston Crab and he tapped out and that is the end of Steamboat's feel good nostalgia run, I think.

M: I think I should have liked this match because it was like WORKRATE and Ricky Steamboat was so pumped to be wrestling again that he dyed his hair even though we've seen him for the last month with some grey hair but he wanted to shine. I thought he may have legit died but he made it through. The whole time I imagined that Dynamite Kid was at home yelling at the TV like FUCK YOU STEAMBOAT YOU BLOODY WANKA THAT SHOULDA BEEN ME. CURSE THIS BLOODY WHEELCHAIR. Actually that probably didn't happen because Dynamite most likely doesn't watch THE PRODUCT anymore and is most likely too poor to afford a TV, no less cable. All eating discarded meat pies from the local futbol stadium for dinner. SCRUB.

CM PUNK VS KANE

A: CM Punk kept attacking Kane's arm and then Kane beat CM Punk and there it was. During the AIM chat for this, all of these fucking mark ass idiots were saying "Oh now CM Punk will cash in his money in the bank!" as though that makes any fucking sense. Dude was beating fucking insensate by Kane, the most dominant and ruthless force in the WWE. He's in no goddamn condition to wrestle for the STRAP. CM Punk's brain isn't addled by wait what the fuck why am I listening to Dishwalla right now. Tell me all your thoughts on god. Okay so anyway I just think it would make more sense for CM Punk to cash in money in the bank after a glorious victory, not after he got straight bitched. Fuck yall.

M: Man, why are they making CM Punk a bitch? He just won the big Money in the Bank! For the record, I was saying how they would do like Wrestlemania X where Bret Hart lost to Owen but came back to win the belt in the main event, but either way it's pretty hilarious that Kane won a match. Also, I'm sure every single goober on the internet that spends 27 hours a day fantasy booking CM Punks next RISE TO THE TOP probably just shit themselves and had a brain aneurysm and I can't wait to read the pussyaching tomorrow because that's how horribly depressing and useless my life is right now.

MATT HAHAHA HE IS FAT VS JEFF HARDY

A: My feed died for a lot of this match so maybe something crazy happened but if it did I didn't see it. What I saw was them doing a bunch of submission moves to each other, then the stream died, then Matt was all tied to a table somehow and was saying like "No Jeff I love you! Daddy wouldn't want you to do this!" and he quit like a little bitch baby and then Jeff jumped on him anyway. I suppose this ends their feud and it means Jeff will re-sign with WWE so blah blah goth chicks joke.

M: This was the worst I Quit match I have ever seen. Dudes were doing like leg holds and shit to make each other quit. Then Jeff tried to Swanton Bomb Matt to death. Then when they finally get to the realness, Jeff pulls out the most pussy ladder ever. It was like a 6 foot ladder, and Matt's being a bitch about it. I hate Matt Hardy now, but I still hate Jeff even more for wearing JNCO's and I hate both of them DOUBLE for this wack ass match.

THE AWESOME AS HELL SANTINA/GREAT KHALI/BETH PHOENIX SEGMENT

A: The Great Khali comes out to his like Punjabi MC theme song and his little dude with the sideburns is like "Great Khali wants to fuck some hoes tonight yall!" and so Santina comes out because that is one fine slut. She says she cannot kiss Great Khali because she is in love with Jim Ross and Jim Ross gets shoot upset while all the announcers get work amused. Great Khali understands because he is an honorable man but then Beth Phoenix comes out and throws salt in JR's game and the Great Khali bops her on the head, not unlike Little Bunny Foo Foo doing so the little field mice. No one turns Great Khali into a goon though. Then Santina pins Beth Phoenix and then Great Khali sexually assaults Santina so that we see her tits.

M: I have nothing ot add to this except for the part where Santina said he was in a relationship with JR, he was Shoot disgusted because he is a shoot homophobe. I bet Vince Mcmahon was laughing in his earpiece the whole time like I OWN YOU JR AND I OWN SANTINO I WILL MAKE HIM FUCK YOU IN THE ASS IN FRONT OF STEVE WILLIAMS AND THE ENTIRE OKLAHOMA SOONERS FOOTBALL TEAM IF I FEEL LIKE IT HAHAHAH SLACKFACED BITCH!!

RANDY ORTON AND HIS LITTLE GAY JOBBER BOYS VS TRIPLE H, BATISTA, AND SHANE MCMAHON

A: This match was really long and it was fine, I guess, but I don't remember too many things that happened in it. At the end, Batista was going to hit one of the chump guys with a chair and Triple H was like "NO!" for some reason. Maybe there was some DQ stipulation in this match, I literally don't know. Anyway, while this was happening, Randy Orton viperously vipered the living fuck out of Triple H with the RKO and the kick to the head and then they had to strap Triple H to a spinal immobilization board. Apparently the kick killed Triple H more than it's killed anyone else ever because he got such attentive medical care. Also the fans started singing NA NA NA, NA NA NA, HEY HEY GOODBYE at Triple H which ruled.

M: Batista wears the tiniest wrestling underwear. I bet he has to tuck his cock in between his legs just to get into those things. I'd imagine Batista is at least bi-curious. He has a navel ring and a belly button tattoo and wears the tiniest of shiny underpants. Plus he looked for real heartbroken when Orton kicked HHH's head off. I think they are ***Secret Lovers***. Oh, and the bell ringer rang the bell too early and I imagine has already been future endeavored. Peace out Bell Guy.

THE EDGE VS JOHN CENA

A: This match was really awesome and some cool stuff happened but the best part was that John Cena and Edge were standing on the announcer's table and FU'd Edge into the fans and one fan was just lying on the ground next to Edge the entire time they were counting him down so I think he probably legit got his neck broken. That was hilarious. Anyway at the end, they are fighting on the ramp and the Big Show comes out and chokeslams John Cena through the spotlight and he was dead and on fire and that was the end. So every title changed hands which was cool.

M: This was A MATCH, and I guess was better than the Jack Swagger match just because of the part Andrew mentioned where they really broke a fans neck but I'm sure he's pumped because he's going ot be rich forever. Though he is an idiot wrestling fan, so I bet they could bribe him with a years worth of Smackdown tickets and an autographed pic of Melina and everything will be cool. Also, there was another part where Cena threw a bunch of steps into Edges face, which was pretty good. I HAVE NO JOKES I'M SORRY.

IN CONCLUSION

A: I don't really have anything funny to say about this show because it was almost entirely good and unlike TNA I know who all the wrestlers are so I can't get anyones names wrong comically. It was definitely worth seeing such a fine wrestling program for free as I did.

M: This was a great PPV and if you say otherwise, you think way too hard about wrestling and need to take a fucking chill pill or the whole bottle. A thing that sucked was that there was no Maryse match and I thought there would be for some reason. Snarky hip commentaries on wrestling only work when the shit sucks, so suck a fuck.

TNA LOCKDOWN BRO

M: Hi we are Mike and Andrew and we decided to watch the TNA Lockdown
PPV together and I can promise you it will never happen again. Here is
our match by match expert analysis:


OPENING DARK MATCH: ERIC 'EY' YOUNG vs. DANNY BONADUCE

M: Danny Bonaduce is a 75 year old former child actor and he is already at least the 5th best TNA wrestler. He is most definitely on shoot steroids and brings NUNCHUCKAHS to the ring as if this were
still the 1980's and people were still pumped on Michael Dudikoff''s blockbuster movie series, American Ninja.. OH this would be a good time to mention that every single one of these matches takes place inside of a steel cage and most of them have confusing rules, but the only rule to this match is that there are no rules and that Danny Bonaduce isn't a real wrestler and before the match in his pre-fight nterview he said he's been "practicing taking bumps" which is totally
DISRESPECTING THE BIZ. Anyway, these two guys fight and Eric Young wins and then Rhino comes in and gores Danny Bonaduce for no real reason I guess. THis was probably still like the 3rd best match of the
night.

A: Danny Bonaduce promised to bleed but he didn't which I guess makes him a heel. He was definitely the dude I was most into in terms of just like YEAH GO FOR IT BRO so of course he lost. Then he choked whoever the hell with the nunchuks before Rhino seriously gored the living hell out of him. Bonaduce was the star of this entire show.
At this point the best thing in the history of wrestling happened. So the theme song for this PPV was Bullet With Butterfly Wings and the TNA Voiceover Man is talking all about how this is the show that will separate legends from gods or whatever when all of a sudden
BILLY CORGAN IN A DRUID'S ROBE does a slam poetry recitation of the first few lines of Bullet With Butterfly Wings but changes the line to be like "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a six sided steel cage of fury."

TNA X DIVISION 5 WAY SOMETHING OR OTHER TITLE MATCH: SUICIDE (c) vs.
SHIEK ABDUL JABAR vs. BLACK MACHO MAN vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. A
JAPANESE GUY

M. This match had some really awesome rules where the two black guyswere on a team together, and the japanesey and Persian were on a team together but Suicide was ON NO ONES TEAM, and at first you had to pin a guy to get him eliminated but then when there were only two guys you had to escape the cage, and whoever won became THE CHAMP! So Suicide is cool because he wears a costume that looks like the Hot Wheels logo and it just says SUICIDE on his chest as if he was wearing his own Halloween costume.. This match is whatever and then it comes down to SUICIDE and THE SHIEK and this is where we find out The Shieks
finisher is called, no shit, THE W.M.D.D.T. Anyway, Suicide ends up winning somehow. This didn't suck but it sure was confusing and stupid.

A: I don't really remember any of this except that the black guy who isn't Macho Man has a really weird gimmick. I've never seen any Rocky movies but I imagine that he is working like Rocky's comical black friend. Did Rocky have a goofy patriotic black friend? If he did, he was in this match. When this match ended, Suicide jumped off the cage onto the Arab and a bunch of security guys, I think. Apparently Suicide is still Christopher Daniels which means TNA literally doesn't know of any other skinny guys who can jump around and so he had to work two matches on this show.

4-WAY SHOOT SLUT QUEEN OF THE CAGE MATCH: ODB vs. DAFFNEY vs. SOJOURNER SOMETHING vs. ANOTHER GIRL!

M: ODB is the best wrestler, but Daffney is close to being the best. ODB has like the giantest fake tits ever. I am so curious to see her naked just to see if I would be aroused or afraid. It's up to my pants to decide.Everything ODB does is some kind of obscene gesture so she's like a human Garbage Pail Kid. She is so awesome. Daffney is pretty awesome too, but alas ODB wins where she does some kind of obscene pin.

A: ODB was in trouble at one point but then my main man Cody Deaner poured that mysterious liquid from the flask into her mouth and she remembered to slam her own titties and flash her vagina around like a cat in estrus and she won by means of putting her crotch on someone's face. I think our conclusion was that we'd party with ODB and Daffney if she's into it.

IWGP JR TAG CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE POP PUNK MACHINE GUNS (c) vs. HOMICIDE & HERNANDEZ HELLA THUGGIN vs. TEAM NO LIMIT JAPAN

M: The Pop Punk team has the belts and they are the tiniest cutest little champion belts ever. They are just like big ironic hipster belt buckles. The Japanese team comes out to the most racist music ever. It's just tikka ting ting ching ching chong chingy chong chong. This was the only match that could kind of be described as "awesome" just because the big Mexican Hernandez was straight up picking dudes up by the neck and suplexing them into cages and shit. None the less, the Pop Punk team pulls this one out with some kind of crazy top rope twisting powerbomb piledriver. Cool!

A: Yeah this was the only actually good match. Homicide is probably the most authentically G wrestler aside from the Brisco Brothers but I don't remember him doing anything. I mostly remember the Myspace Boyz getting thrown around by Hernandez who I was convinced was at least 9 feet tall and 2000 pounds during this match. Then I looked him up on wikipedia and he's only billed as being 6'2 which means he's probably like 5'6. "Fuck my life" as the kids are saying.

DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH: ABYSS vs. MATT MORGAN

M: Hahahah, this match is really called The Doomsday Chamber of Blood match. The rule here is that you have to bleed first and then you are allowed to be pinned. This was basically the worst match in the history of wrestling up until the Sting vs. Cactus Jack match. Abyss looks like a shitty create a wrestler from the WWF Attitude video game and he is the worst "scary monster" character ever. It's funny when fruits on the internet are like "WELL WHAT IF THE WWE SIGNS ABYSS" Like the WWE is just licking their chops at the prospect of signing some fat out of shape guy with a shitty tribal tat who's only 6' 2" but pretend to be 6'8" and is just a shitty budget version of Kane.These dudes bleed a little, and Abyss has all of these tiny bags of Horror that have broken glass and thumbtacks in them. I have seen about 3 Abyss matches prior to this and they all end with Abyss being slammed into thumbtacks and pinned, and this one was no different.

A: This match never stopped going. I guess the deal was like Abyss is trying to stop being violent or something so he wanted to win this match honorably and without the use of plunder. He still cracked a piece of glass on Matt Morgan's head but I guess that didn't count. Then Stevie Richards came out and was really mad at Abyss for succumbing to his violent urges and sort of pitterpattered on Abyss's back with his tiny little hands until Matt Morgan threw Abyss into the thumbtacks. This was seriously like a three hour long match.

(brief intermisson: Andrew went to go pee or something, and he missed when Borash briefly interviewed Samoa Joe who was dressed like Razor Ramon Hard Gays fat cousin. Samoa Joe is such a fat piece of shit)

THREE WAY LADY CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: AWESOME KONG (c) (w/ sexy Ninja
Sidekick) vs. ATHLETIC GIRL vs. GIRL WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW OFF THOSE RUDE TITTIES

M: This is where I decide all of these matchs were booked like when I play Fire Pro and just make matches with the dumbest fucking rules I can think of. All of these matches are set to GRUESOME mode it seems, with pins enabled. If I were really in charge, they'd also be
exploding ring matches, but maybe that will be at the next Lockdown PPV.
So Awesome Kong is probably my favorite TNA wrestler just because she's a fat pissed off black lady and that's the best gimmick. Awesome Kong tries this somersault splash and it is gully like a mug but it does not hit. If it hit this would have been the best match ever because the girl who have been nothing more than a splat mark on the ring. At one point they tie Awesome Kong to the cage by her hair extensions and then the Athletic girl hits the girl with the Rude Titties with a splash from the top rope and Rude Titties girl is hurt FOR REAL. Then they do some rollup ending and it all looks bad and shitty and now the girl with the Rude Titties is your new TNA lady champion.

A: Don West here was a heel by saying that the faces shouldn't cheat against the heel. "Reasonable" Don West.

TAG TITLE VS TAG TITLE KILLADELPHIA STREET FIGHT: TEAM 3D (The Dudleys) (IWGP CHAMPS vs. TEAM BEER (TNA CHAMPS)

M: This match is so good because they spend 15 minutes building up how fucking CRAZY and OFF THE HOOK the Philadelphia crowd is, and then the match starts and it's just ::cricket chirp cricket chirp::. But Don West and Mke Tenay both acted like people gave a shit. This was like a
pretty bad Dudleys ECW match and they did the spot where you would expect them to set a table on fire and 3D Balls Mahoney through it but alas this is TNA and there is no fire. The Dudleys beat Team Beer and now they are double champions. The crowd did not give a shit one bit.

A: There was some good stuff in this match because I like D-Von a lot. Also there was some part where one of Beer Money wanted to jump on Bubba but he rolled a little bit and the guy missed. Then the other guy wanted to jump, and Bubba rolled AGAIN! So Bubba basically single-handedly eliminated both of Beer Money by virtue of rolling a little bit. Mike Tenay acted like he couldn't hear Don West over the roar of the crowd which was cute.

FAKE WAR GAMES CHAMBER MATCH: MAIN EVENT MAFIA (Steiner, Nash, Booker T, Angle) vs. TEAM JARRETT (Jarrett, Styles, Chris Daniels, Fatso Samoa Joe)

M: This match had some rule where guys enter in one by one after a certain amount of time and then once everyone is in, a roof comes down and theres weapons on it. This match sucked a dick. Samoa Joe is like the fattest most out of shape wrestler ever. The match was highlighted by AJ Styles Jumping down from the top of the cage into the ring for no reason and no one caught him. It was awesome and highly stupid. Then someone pinned Booker T real anti-climatically. THEN OH NO THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND ITS HOLY SHIT BOBBY LASHLEY, and everyone including the announcers and the wrestlers and the entire crowd looks at him like "What the fuck??? Big fucking deal" so yeah.

A: I remember when Scott Steiner came out I was like "OH HELL YEAH SCOTT STEINER!" just because I desperately wanted to be excited for something on this show and I thought I could fake myself into thinking Scott Steiner is cool in 2009. He did a frankensteiner so maybe he could sense that thousands of miles away, one guy in California still believed in him. Remember when Christopher Daniels was the KING OF THE INDIES and now he is like the seventh best guy in a match that features both Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett?
The story here was that Jeff Jarrett was maybe going to go for the Main Event Mafia because he ruled impartially on Thursday and so no one could trust him. So AJ Styles and Booker T were kinda staggering around like bums and who was Jarrett going to hit? Oh it was Booker T. Then Bobby Lashley showed up looking pretty well dressed and Kurt Angle was like YES YES! and the good guys were like OH NO! So my guess is that Bobby Lashley ends up being a good guy and beats up Kurt Angle a little bit on free TV and then goes away forever.


TNA TITLE MATCH: CACTUS JACK vs. STING (c)

M: So after every single gimmick match ever they finish the ppv with a regular boring cage match. This was seriously the worst match that has ever taken place in a wrestling ring, despite how many sides said ring had. This was like when I accidentally put on AWA classics and it's
just two fat out of shape guys hugging and chopping each other for a half hour until one of them does a body slams and pins the guy. The only difference is Sting was lazier than any fat AWA guy and he basically just laid down on the ground for the whole match. Then all of a sudden at the end they both decided to randomly climb out of the cage at the same time and Cactus Jack beats Sting.

A: Sting was afraid he was going to break a hip or something so he really did just lay down the whole time while Cactus Jack would lean up against the cage and bleed. Then he tried to crawl out through a tiny hole in the cage. And he demanded the barbed wire bat be handed to him and it was, but not handle first. So he had to sort of gingerly hold the end of the bat between two fingers.


FINAL THOUGHTS:

M: This was more or less the worst shit imaginable. Fuck you TNA. I almost considered quitting this blog because of this but I surely quit ever watching TNA again. Thanks a lot.

A: I'm not mad, TNA. I'm just disappointed. Impact was so not terrible on Thursday that I thought, I hoped against hope, that this wouldn't just be terrible. I don't wanna get all SMART MARK *Brian Pillman voice* but when every single match is in a steel cage, it sort of makes the fact that it's in a steel cage seem less exciting. Fuck you TNA.