ECW: The 8 person fed.

I am back for this 4/28 episode of ECW. It's hot, my shins hurt and my stomach feels like it's full of hammers. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be spending time with a babe on a rooftop somewhere. So lonely.

ECW starts with Christian the NEW ECDub champ coming out to talk about some things! Then he is interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who is....wearing a dress suit!!! Hahaha, does Tommy Dreamer always wear dress suits now? It's so weird to see him out of his usual black t shirt and swish pants. Hey, remember those two months where they gave Tommy Dreamer that gimmick where he would eat weird stuff? That was such a good gimmick!
So yeah Tommy Dreamer is like "I am retiring in 6 weeks and I want to win the ECDub title one more time" and I bet Andrew is real sad about this because Tommy Dreamer is his favorite wrestler. THEN, Tommy starts shoot cwying wike a wittle fucken babby about NYC and MSG and The HISTORY (oh this is taking place in MSG) and then Christins like "Ok dude stop being bitch about this. I will give you a title match here TONIGHT in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

THEN Jack Motherfucking Swagger comes out with his Biggie Smalls eyes all like ITS ALL GOOD BABAY BABAY! and he's like NO ONE CAN GET A TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME, but then Bad Actress Tifany comes OUT (SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT HO LY SHIT! HO LY SHIT!) and she's like FUCK THAT TOMMY DREAMER AND CHRISTIAN ARE HAVING A MATCH TONIGHT.

So then I do something unprecedented and I go make a sandwich. I like to put potato chips on my sandwiches. Does that make me a fat kid? The answer is "probably"!

I'm back and FInlay is fighting the Merkin dude Tyson Kidd, who is maybe the gayest looking wrestler on all of TV. he even wears pink booty shorts. This was a pretty good match from what I saw, as there were MOVES and PSYCHOLOGIES and SELLING, The best part was Finaly actually doing a vintage AKI-MAN reversal by spinning on the top of his head to get out of a leg lock! E C DUB E C DUB! Then Tyson gets the dastardly win by hitting FInlays fucked up knee with a Shilalaleigh (sp) BEHIND THE REFS BACK.

After commercial, KOZLOV comes out to the Ramp and he's dressed like M.Bison. There is no real explanation for this. He comes out and says some shit in russian about World Domination and bounces. It was literally 30 seconds. I hope this is leading to a whole Street Fighter crew of wrestlers.

They show Matt Striker and the other guy at the announce table and those dudes sit REAAALLLL close to each other. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They introduce a new member of the ECDub announce team, GREG SHANE HELMS! Haha, I guess it's better than being fired. Helms is interviewing Evan Bourne and then Paul Burchill come sout to interrupt him because they have to make sure all 8 ECDub wrestlers appear on every show I guess. Man Burchill's sister is doable.

Wow, it's already time for the MAIN EVENT which is still unfortunately Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy is wearing some kind of really weird tye dye zebra print shiny swish pants and I don't know if this is a normal thing for him just like the dress suits. He looks like an asshole for sure. I try not to watch Tommy Dreamer matches because he's the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling, so I close my eyes and lay face down for a while, just listening to the announcers call the match like in the olden days when young pups would listen to the wrestling matches on the ol' transistor radio. Unfortunately, this match is long and I'm about to fall asleep so I have to sit up and actually watch this shit. Honestly from what I saw, it wasn't that bad for a Tommy Dreamer match that didn't include garbage cans and ladders. After a while it looks like Tommy Dreamer is gonna beat Christian (haha yeah ok) and Jack Swagger comes in and FUCKS EVERYONE UP. DQ THE END.

I will be much more excited about watching ECW in 6 weeks when Tommy Dreamer can never be on it again.

n00z Of Honor

Every fledgling wrestling site needs it's share of hot news, and I am here to provide you with all of the week old news you can handle!

Unfortunately, this news has to deal with every shut-in's favorite wrestling promotion, ROH, and I have admittedly only watched around 6 ROH things in my life and most of them I would categorize as "Strongly Homoerotic" so I am not their biggest supporter, but News is News is News...


**Last weekend, 56 year old Jerry Lynn achieved his boyhood dream of winning the ROH championship title. General internet consensus is that Lynn is way too old to be holding a coveted world title that is won in a pre-determined imaginary wrestling fight. These of course are the same fans who wanted to see Ric Flair (who is legit old enough to be Jerry Lynn's grandpa) get "one last run" with the WWE title.

Jerry Lynn celebrating moments after his ROH title win.

**Speaking of Flair, has anyone else heard the rumors that a big Hollywood studio is planning on making a Flair biopic? My sources have told me the script's already been written, but they plan on changing Flair's signature Figure Four finisher to a Power Bomb, because Hollywood big shots don't think the common audience would understand the nuances of the Figure Four. Idiots!

**ROH manager/semi-wrestler/lone non-vanilla ROH personality Larry Sweeney has recently declared on his blog that he has ben suffering from a bout with Mental Retardation, also known as bi-polar disorder. The lardos behind the scenes at ROH have decided to Future Endeavor Sweeney, I'm assuming because Batman comic books and Hentai Animes have never dealt with Bi-Polar disorder before, so this is a foreign problem to them:

"In my judgement, the company treated me like a drug addict, not like a person with a medical condition. You see, if somebody shows up drunk or stoned to work and gets caught, then you can suspend or fire them... but in the eyes of the law, in such a crazy world where, because of our modern lifestyles, so many battle with their own types of crazy, well... if any person has a bout with craziness and is seeking care, they by law cannot be treated the same way that you would treat an addict. At least this is what my lawyers have told me.
Cary Silken suspended me from pittsburgh and new york with less than 48 hours notice and did not pay me. Before that, the company shorted me on money for the first tv tapings... then I came to houston and, despite my sobriety and clarity, and willingness to fly myself down on my own dime, I was told that I was not welcome."

This is pretty unfortunate, since Sweeney was pretty good at not being boring and making you forget you were watching Strongly Homoerotic wrestling programming. I PERSONALLY wish him all the best with his Future Endeavors, and ROH can GO SCREW for thinking a mental illness is the same thing as an awesome drug addicition. Fucking closet cases.


**Finally, the most wrestlingest ROH dude ever, Bryan Danielson may be leaving the company soon:

"According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Ring of Honor's Bryan Danielson is looking to pursue a career in Mixed Martial Arts when his ROH contract expires in May. The American Dragon has been training five hours a day at the Xtreme Couture in Las Vegas, and plans to continue his training in Thailand this summer."

Nerds on the internet are speculating a lot of nonsense about this whole mess. The most hilarious would be that Danielson is freeing himself up to get a WWE contract, as if WWE is scouring the globe looking for 5' 5" dudes who know a lot of wrestling holds and how to do european uppercuts properly. I don't think anyone believes he is actually entering MMA or anything. There has been no followup on whether or not Danielson knows that MMA isn't a fixed sport.


That's all for now!