I decided to watch TNA for some reason

The show opens with Mick Foley, followed by a clown, some large beaner looking dude and one of the Hebners (since we never really can tell which one is which on a count of them being TWINS). Mick then up and invites a bunch of people to the ring. Mick is wearing a leopard print shirt that looks as if it were cut out of the side of a thrift store couch. Jeff Jarrett comes out and looks none to pleased at Mick. Apparently AJ Styles is a champion of some sorts? The Legends Champ? Hmmm. Samoa Joe comes out wearing a shirt over his shoulders as opposed to his using it to cover his man tits. Mick announces the main event which happens to be a like 8 man cluster fuck and Samoa Joe punches him.

Raven is in the back with Daffney and some Stevie Richards looking dude. Is that Stevie Richards? No clue. Raven says he's going to have one of his Dr. Strangelove matches with some dude named Jethro. Color me intrigued! Raven seems to be back into fat Jim Morrison mode, which at this point is the only acceptable Raven.

Apparently Target outsourced his ass, so Shane Douglas has been attacking Daniels. Now we get DANIELS vs Amazing Red. Red is doing the STIFF LEG KICK offense that looks cool when it's not being done by a ginger midget. Red kicks Daniels in the face like a thousand times. Daniels responds like any normally sized man would respond to a child kicking him: He no sells it. Daniels wins somehow and then FRANCHISE SHANE DOUGLAS pops up on the Russotron and demands a second chance and accepts Daniels challenge! Apparently only one of them will have a job after that match! DRAMA!

Random shit backstage with some blonde ho, a large negress and some middle eastern looking chick. w/e

Matthew Morgan calls out Sting. He points out all the ways he's better than Sting, then says he didn't come out here to point out all the ways he's better than Sting. Counter productive, Matthew. Matthew says that he wants to gain respect and that Sting needs to give respect and then he challenges him to a match, I think? Sting then threatens to bite off Matthew's finger and accepts his challenge at Slamiversery and if Matthew wins he'll get Sting's spot in the Main Event Mafia. Whoa. Matthew tries to Pearl Harbor Sting and misses.

Jay Bee has Jeff Jarrett in the back. Jeff is ANGRY. Angry about MIC FOLEY. Apparently Mick is crazy and Jeffery is none too please about it!

Time for Raven's Full Metal Jacket match! OK, so Jethro= Trevor Murdoch and that really was Stevie. Jethro hits Raven with a trash can. The wall of weapons has a lot of cool shit and so Jethro grabs... a cookie sheet. Raven does the leg sweep into the guard rail spot, only much slower than usual. Raven grabs a chair and somehow ends up punching it. Jethro hits a knee to Raven and then kinda gently tosses him into the fence. Jethro dives into the cage which then falls to the ground so Raven gets the pin. Raven puts Jethro in the straight jacket and then the lobster A Chris comes out and Stevie, Raven and Daffney's tits decide to GTFO.

Dee Dubya is interviewing Samoa Joe and apparently Joe has been being ADVISED by someone. WHO CAN IT BE? TAZ? UMAGA? BETTY CROCKER? The possibilities are endless!

There is some babbling about some shit happening later and then some bitches say some bitchy stuff and then a commercial. Wait, iMPACT! is 2 hours now? When in the fuck did this happen? And Abyss talks now? WHAT IN THE FUCK!

So know there is a skank match that I have no interest in so I shall play mine sweeper in the mean time.

Team 3D are pissed off with Beer Money. And now we go to a commercial.

This Cody Deaner I've heard so much about appears to be a real hoot! Jay Lethal is still doing the Savage thing, so at least somethings in TNA never change. The Machine Guns are still kinda non threatening. Another commercial.

Beer Money and Team 3-D are having an adult oriented conversation about beer and money. James Storm made the fatal mistake of telling a black man to be his bitch. Negroes hate that shit. It's like the ultimate insult in their culture. I read that somewhere.

Jay Lethal and some Creed dude enter the ring and they look happy! They're going to be tagging with the Machine Guns who are the holders of some nip nong tag belts. Team 3-D and beer money brawl out to the ring. Daniels, I, uh, mean SUICIDE attacks the Guns. 3-D gets the win.

Joe and AJ are backstage and Joe PROMISES AJ that he has his back which leads me to believe that he does NOT have AJ's best interest in mind. Jesus Christ, this shit is long.

Gay Bee is talking to Mick Foley. Billy Gunn comes in and says something or rather. Dee Dubya and Tenay do the hard sell for the PPV. Now Gay Bee is talking to Kurt Angle. A 3 Doors Down Geico Caveman comercial airs, and honestly, it's kinda funny. Maybe it only seems funny compared to TNA.

Time for the main event 249233689832 man cluster fuck! This match is basically Joe, AJ, and a half dozen broken down guys. Angle reverses a Stroke into an ankle lock. Mick Foley decides to join the announce team, some other shit happens and then a commercial. Mick keeps shining Jeff on when he needs to make a tag. Is Jarrett a face? Jeff decks Foley. Joe hits the muscle buster on Angle and gets the win. Joe and AJ embrace! Joe really DID have AJ's back!

Fuck TNA so hard.

TNA 5-21: THE RETURN OF CONTRIBUTOR IV

So I am back after moving to review TNA for the very first time on this blog. Well I reviewed a PPV but that doesn't count.

So this thing starts off with a Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett montage and I quickly realize I have lost all knowledge of wrestling I sponged in those 3 glorious weeks (Known as 6394's Attitude Era) I was involved with blogging here, replacing all of that important wrestling knowledge with memorizations of Subway systems, so all of this is new to me again. This is a concern because I already thought TNA was the most confusing show on TV, and I am also super high off of fancy weed which is making everything even MORE hard to follow.

I guess this montage is because Jarrett & Foley hate each other, but oh good, we are starting TNA off with Jarrett blabbing in the ring about Foley and then Foley comes out and he's a legit bad guy again, and THEN jarrett is like "Im gonna be in the Sacrifice match" and foley is like "BUT WHAT WILL YOU SACRIFICE HOW ABOUT YOUR SHARES OF TNA???" And Jarrett is like "ok", and I don't fucking understand this Sacrifice match. So is it whoever gets pinned has to sacrifice some shit? Fuck it who cares, this is all giving me a panic attack.

Ok so then Foley is like WELL IM GONNA MAKE SOME MATCHES and he says a bunch of things that go over my head, then he says something about Samoa Joe and his NATION OF VIOLENCE and I have no idea what that means but I am fucking pumped to find out. Finally before the commercial break there is a skit with Angle backstage and it was all like FUCKYEAHDUDEBLAHABAABAHSH and something about a Frenzy (????) match. and my head is fucking exploding. Oh good. commercials.

We are back & catching up with the WHO IS SUICIDE IS IT CHRIS DANIELS thing, and it looks like it's not Chris Daniels, but who fucking cares if it was Chris Daniels? Would that give him some kind of unfair advantage? WHY DOES ANYONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.
But now both Daniels and Suicide are being interviewed at the same time and they're gonna fight at the PPV, but tonight they are bros in a match.

Lethal Consequences vs Machine Guns vs vs Daniels/Suicide: This was mostly too confusing for me and they're stil talking about the mystery of Suicide. Shuuuuut the Fuccccccckkkkkkkk Uppppppp. So yeah, moves, moves, moves and then Daniels does this crazy ass moonsault plancha and for a second I'm PUMPED, but then Suicide wins with a move. COMMERCIAL.

Back from commercial and literally nothing of interest happens except they show booker T and Kevin Nash training for...something and it is very homoerotic. COMMERCIAL.

The Dudleys are giving a spirited speech about tag team wrestling and apparently they started some kind of Tag Team Invitiational tournmanet and whaaaaaat the fuuuuuck?? How are you just gonna make an Invitational Tournament?? That is not a thing everyone has the power to do. So the Dudleys are beefing with THE BRITISH INVASION and I have no clue who these guys are. They all look like British dudes, so maybe one is Nigel Mcguiness. Now they are talking back and forth and the Dudleys cant fuckin handle it so they throw dem bo's but THE BRITISH INVASION have a giant Biritsh Strongman, so they are now fucking the fuck up the Dudleys. NO WAIT, BEER MONEY is out!! Who are they!!! Some guys!!! THE BRITISH INVASION are scared of these dudes and I think their ring music is Livin on a Prayer or maybe I just smoked angel dust. Holy shit thank god this segment is over. It's only 9:45

OH SHIT NOW JARRETT AND ERIC YOUNG ARE BEEFIN BACKSTAGE. They are ironing out their problems like bros though. No reason to throw down. Oh it turns out Micke Foley has to fight Eric Young. Cool! COMMERCIAL THANK GOD.

Oh Kurt Angle was looking for Sting...and he found him! They are kind of beefing I think. I don't think it's gonna come to blows though. They are just yelling like an old married couple. I think they might hug it out, bitch. They do!

Oh now Eric Young vs. Sting. I guess I was confused earlier when I said he had to fight Mick Foley. I can't keep up with this shit man, I'm sorry. Is this seriously only the 2nd match? I feel like so much shit has happened. Oh, so I guess Eric Young and Sting are tight bros from way back and this is heartbreaking for the both of them. It's heartbreaking for me too. Man the sound got all weird for a second and you could only hear 6 people clapping. Maybe I AM on angel dust, or maybe only 6 people give a shit about this match? Oh, Eric Young taps to Sting's Sharpshooter. NEXT ON IMPACT: AWESOME KONG ANGELA LOVE CONTRACT SIGNING!!

Borash is gonna send insider knowledge to your mobile phone. Now he's about to chat up Mick Foley to find out what former heavyweight champion Foley is gonna fight tonight. I hope it's Gillberg. IT HAS TO BE GILLBERG. Borash and Foley are doing some kind of abott and costello bullsquid. SEGMENT OVER.

There is a SERIOUS Awesome Kong montage. It was pretty dope. Now it's time for the CONTRACT SIGNING. DUN DUN. Fat Jim Cornette is out to....officiate (???) the contract signing (I guess). Angela Love is one of the most porn star looking lady wrestlers ever. She is bringing security with her because she is beefing with Awesome King pretty hardcore. Cornette is telling the security to back the fuck off because it ain't that kind of party. Awesome Kong is out with the ninja. The Ninja gets to stay in the ring. That doesn't seem fair. They sign the contract and now the porno bitch is talking waaaaaay too fucking much and then Kng tries to smash the fuck out of her but some ref tries to stop her and she smashes the fuck out of that dude instead THROUGH A TABLE! Only 53 more minutes of this bullshit.

Hey let's skip a segment because it's just talking anyway, and I am trying to enjoy eating.

00hhhhh g0d more talking. Matt Morgan wants to join the Main Event Mafia So he is fighting Kurt Angle RIGHT NOW. Oh man Kurt Angle is definitely not taking wrestler vitamins anymore, but it looks like Matt Morgan is still taking a few. Matt Morgan appears to have a Jack O Lantern face tattooes on his back or something. They do some moves and then Morgan tries to go for the HELLAVATOR which is hte best name for a move, but Angle reverses it into a rollup and wins!

Now we are talking to Jeff Jarrett backstage and FUCK WHEN WILL THIS SHIT END. (in 25 minutes).

I think this is the main event now! Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett! It turns out Samoa Joe's Nation of Violence is just him and his towel. Booo. Samoa Joe fucks shit up as if he were an actual monster and not some morbidly obese dude with creepy flab and muscle pants. Joe gets DQd for fucking too much shit up and now AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are beefing because Joe is too pumped, or maybe because AJ has hamburgers in his pocket. So I guess this wasn't the main event. Fuuuuuuuuck. COMMERCIAL. 14 more minutes!

Oh that's right, I forgot the main event is supposed to be Mick Foley vs. Gillberg. FINALLY. Oh no, it's not Gillberg. It's a carboard cutout of Rocky Balboa!! He's coming to the ring with a Mickie lookalike and Don West is losing his shit and acting as if Rocky Balboa was real and then Mike Tenay tells Don West to STFU and HOLY SHIT!!! The crowd is chanting ROCKY ROCKY!!! Foley is having a real match with the cardboard Rocky. THIS IS AMAZING!! CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Foley beats Rocky with an elbow and then does like a mashup of Rocky speeches and MICK FOLEY IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Jeff Jarrett hates fun and comes out to beat the shit out of Mick Foley because he's a fucking cocksucker, but then Agnle comes out because he appreciates Foley's brand of comedy and he wrecks Jarrett. Then Sting comes out to try and stop the beef but Foley fucks HIM up. Finally Foley fucks Jarrett up too. THE END. Please just watch the last 10 minutes of this bullshit ass show. Fuck this never again am I watching this horrible snot.

TNA and its Ever Faithful Fanbase

Recently the greatest letter ever written on the subject of fake fighting was posted on Twink Beaner Bryan Alvarez and Jew media mogul Dave Meltzer's web site. It was written by an inbred shit head, which makes sense since it was written about the virtues of TNA. I shall now do my best to dissect this epyllion into small, quivering, shit stained pieces.

Bill Walkowitz on why he likes TNA
(Wow, that's one helluva title right there. Right up there with The Butcher's Wife and The Slugger's Wife and The Astronaut's Wife in terms of removing any and all doubt as to what the subject is.)

I'd like to take a few minutes and respond back to Carl Evan's column. Maybe he can another point of view.
(Maybe he can what? See another point of view? I'm guessing you're going for the word see.)

I'm an old time wrestling fan in his 40's and have been watching since I was age 11 when I saw my first show at the International Ampitheatre in Chicago. Superstar Billy Graham and Dusty Rhodes were a tag team on that show.
(Oh man, that sounds like a kick ass show. By the way, what's an "ampitheatre"?)

I'm one of the customers that the WWE say is never right. I'm always wrong according to the land of McMahons. So since I'm so wrong according to them and the mindset there, I decided they're the ones who are wrong and rarely watch their product, and very rarely buy a PPV or go to one of their shows.
(I see. You are one of their "customers" and you rarely buy their PPVs or go to their shows because they don't see DA BIZ the same way that you do. Fair enough, but if you really feel that way why would you hand them your no doubt hard earned $$$$, even in rare instances? PS- despite your infrequent financial support it would appear that things of going well in "land of McMahons".)

I'm also a guy when I lived in NH was fortunate enough to work for three different indy companies,
(Oh SHIT, son, we got us an insider~!)

doing all the little things that help get a show going(setting up chairs, tables, ring, getting as building, locally promoting shows in commission towns that require a "resident" of the state to have the show put in his name.)
(lol, never mind)

One of them groups was host to a series of WWF training dojo shows,.so I was able to see guys like the Hardys, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle(being managed by Dory Funk jr), and also was very fortunate enough to meet Jim Cornette.
(This particular sentence is awesome, especially the part about you being "very fortunate enough" to meet Corny.)

What label that gives me, I don't know.
(I can name a few: Douche. Tard. Street Team Member. Am I getting warm?)

But first and foremost, I've always been a fan, and I know what drives THIS fan.
(Whatever it is that drives you I can be certain that A: It was made while the first Bush was in office at best and B: at one point or another you fucked a close relative in it. Most likely a cousin, although a sister cannot be ruled out yet.)

For all of Carl's opinions of TNA. TNA gives me more of what drives me as a fan than anything the WWE is doing.
(Uh huh. So basically what drives you, a 40 something self proclaimed old skool fan who met Jim Cornette, is a 6 sided ring, interchangeable indy guys, a wrestler based on a video game character and a roster that is about 30% former WWE employees. Hell yeah. Old skool as FUCK.)

Every promotion's going to have its flaws, name one that don't. But TNA has been the promotion that keeps me being a fan.
(And I'm sure they say an extra special prayer each night, thanking the god of their choosing for giving them such a super awesome fan like you.)

it's drives me to buy their PPV's watch their shows and go way out of my way and get their dvds
(Going out of your way to get a TNA DVD? Damn son, do you not know how to click around on the fucking internet?)

(like the long journey I went thru to get acoup[le recent dvds that were supposed to be at "major retailers now" but weren't and I have a walmart, the largest most major retailer in the world, right in the town I live in).
(I like where this is heading.)

It drove me to my local walmart and bitch and yell and complain about them having the TNA video game, but no DVDs, and now because I created such a fuss, I was able to yesterday purchase the Jeff jarrett 4 disc dvd set.
(YES! This is an image I would have loved to have seen in person. HAY YALL, WHERE'S THE DANG OL' JEFF JARRETT DVD? YALL GOT EVER DAMN ONE OF THEM WWF DVDS. IS YALL ON THE MACK MAN PAYROLL?)

Watching this and the kurt angle one reminds me why I hate WWE's product so much.
(Why? Because when the WWE employed them they performed in front of actual crowds and not amusement park guests?)

I'm tired of the McMahon family being shoved down my throat, and when they see it's not working, what do they do? They continue to do it anyway.
(Yes, which is precisely the exact same thing Jeff Jarrett did for the first 3 years of TNA's existence.)

I'm not the biggest Jeff Jarrett fan,
(Oh, what's this?)

but
(here it comes)

I found his dvd set more entertaining and great to watch than anything the WWE has done in over 2 years.
(WWE has sucked a million consecutive dicks for the last two years yet I can rest assured that the worst possible evening of WWE programming is a billion times more entertaining than 99% of what Jeff Jarrett has done in TNA.)

The only recent "WWE" dvd I bought was the one they put out on
World Class Championship Wrestling, anything else they put out now you'd be lucky you could pay me to watch it.
(I do believe if your hillbilly ass somehow tricked someone into paying you to watch wrestling YOU would be the lucky one.)

and if they actually DO something that's good(like letting Steamboat wrestle, which was about the only I liked about Wrestlemania),
(I am sure that for the last several years Steamboat has been BEGGING the McMahon family to just put him in the game. Those heartless fucks made the man BEG for another moment in the sun.)

They put the kabash on it right away, and thrust HHH/Orton in a way everyone
can see isn't working, not getting over and nobody cares about. But because he's married to "daddy's daughter" and daddy's daughter is in charge of creative, it's "let's put the blinders on because we know better than the fans who keep us in business will ever know" mentality.
(Yeah, HHH and Orton was a bag o' shit, no doubt. I'm sure TNA has NEVER had any sort of examples of nepotism. It's not like Dustin Rhodes got a push when his dad was booking. It's not like Jeff Jarrett kept getting main event spots simply because his family started the promotion. Nope, shit like that never happens in the vaunted halls of TNAland. TNA NEVER pushes someone when it clearly isn't working.)

HBK vs Undertaker, good but I've seen better.
(Like what? Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle SHOOT FIGHT~? The fake War Games match? Please enlighten us with what we are missing in TNA.)

I've seen where the simplest things still work, I grew up watching
well put Stan Hansen as a great example, when he came into the AWA he said "forget the NWA, Forget Ric Flair, I want to be AWA champion and Rick Martel, I'm going to be champion". Simple, to the point, bang! you got a reason and a storyline.
(If anything, and I mean anything in TNA were simple, I might actually watch it once in a while ((not really)). This is the same company that brought us such simplistic concepts as the King of the Mountain match, the Monsters Ball match and lest we forget the Hard Ten match. Simpler times, indeed.)

Or "I came here to the World Class Area because there's one world, and there should be one world champion". WWE's own Jerry Lawler said that when he was AWA world champion. again, simple, to the point, and it got over. TNA at least acknowledges there's other organizations out there, recognizes the past achievements of stars. There's alot of little things that TNA does that still drives this fan, this cuatomer who's always wrong according to the WWE.

(Dude, I have the feeling if the WWE booked their shows according to your vision each show would consist of two hours of cowboy gimmicks and heels throwing fireballs and blinding babyfaces. The fact that the world has, you know, changed over the last couple of decades obviously frightens you. What you have failed to consider is that pro wrestling, ESPECIALLY the WWE, tend to run 2-3 years behind current trends.)

Last time I checked the motor city machine guns were aspiring to be one of the best IWGP jr. tag champs ever. I don't know what Carl's looking at but I can see them putting those Japanese titles over on tv. Think Vince McMahon would ever do that now? nope. He's had the chance, did do that and flopped every time. he had the golden eggs of the NWA thing...flopped it, old ECW invasion...flopped it...WCW invasion...flopped it. At least TNA has taken some to build things up, WWE flopps at that too. hell the only group to get the old ECW invasion done right was Memphis, and who was the owner at the time? Lawler and Jerry Jarrett. So there's your "developed Explanation", Carl.
(At the time they were used, all three of the promotions you mentioned in the WWE's long list of inter-promotional failures were far more relevant than the IWGP titles. Even ECW.)

I was thrilled to see Gail Kim and Christian in TNA, it gave them two a chance to shine where they weren't before and in Gail Kim's situation, lost in the shuffle(again) in WWE). Christian on the WWE's "C" show isn't doing the numbers that he was doing when he was in TNA.
(Oh man, I hope this leads to him exposing his azn fetish. It's also awesome that TNA fans hang their hat on the fact that iMPACT! beats "the WWE's 'C' show". It is not that different from bragging about beating up the kid with cerebral palsy. Yeah, you won, but what have you accomplished? Also, Christian was just on Wrestlemania. I am willing to bet that 90% of TNA's roster would eat a steaming bowl of Mick Foley's shit to switch places with Christian.)

I think AJ Styles needs to go to promo school,
(Apparently super ultra mega #1 TNA fan has never seen THIS~!)

There's one of the things that drives this fan. I mjaynot like the way they repackaged Sama Joe, but I'm a great fan of what he can do in the ring, again, that is what drives this fan. Ring of HonorWithout Gabe is like Pizza without cheese and his absence is so noticeable.
(Wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Am I being worked?)

Funny Carl, you say the TNA ring work has desensitized fans to complicated ring work? pppps.. it hasn't with me so you should've said "some fans", or "Most fans", your generalizing when you really don't know what all fans think, kills your credibility.
(FUCK!)

TNA has one glaring flaw that won't go away, and that's Vince Russo.
(NO! FUCKKKK!)

For every time someone has tried to conmvince me he's a "genius" that he claims to be, I've been able to give validation to what beasily is nothing but a guy who've overhyped and hasn't created one thing that has put asses in seats.
(The spelling and grammatical errors should have been obvious. How did I fall for this?)

Anything he's done has flopped but because he's Jeff's buddy, he can continue to milk the company out of a paycheck he doesn't deserve to get.
(... wait a sec, maybe this is legit)

I'm not a fan of Foley having the title but it's tons better than Russo holding it, think about it.
(lol, if all Foley ever did in TNA was walk into the iMPACT! Center and take a shit in the ring while raping Don West he would be a million times more credible than any champ TNA has ever had.)

"Nothing about TNA tells me there are qualified wrestling veterans who can aptly book a good show". Is that so? Well I guess you're wrong again cause they're damn qualified enough to book a show that keeps this long time fan interested.
(You know, he has yet to name any one specific thing he likes about TNA.)

let's see YOU book a show that's perfect from top to bottom with no flaws whatsoever, and see how you react when people crap on it.
(Uh, DUH. If I were booking a show it would be fucking awesome so FUCK YOU. If people hated it I would make myself an on air character and call them names on TV. Your old skool sensible show would be 2 hours of Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test.)

before you say something like "well, what about you"? I have, and I did. as a birthday gift, one of the groups I worked for let me, and it went over well,
(Guys, this is Bill Walkowitz. His dream has always been to run a wrestling show. Tonight we are going to make his dream come true. Now all we need from him is his check for $3500 and for him to finish setting up the ring.)

what worked? simplest little things and because of one thing I did it elevated a guy to the next level and he was able to work on that to this very day, he works indys all over the northeast now, so you're wrong in that quote.
(I am hella sure that this nameless indy fag sits around each night, thanking his lucky stars that some fucking mark helped ELEVATE HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF INDY WRESTLING. Which is... more indy wrestling.)

I'd rather see Babe Ruth retired than anything WWE is doing.
(I don't even know what this means)

I'll watch reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter before I watch anything WWE has on.
(On this, we agree. Dog is the best racist dude with a TV show since, I dunno, Regis Philbin.)

I get WGN and could watch the new superstars show, why? I liked the old Superstars show they used to have in the 80's. Nothing new or exciting is going to come from there.
(New and exciting things rarely happened on the original Superstars tapings.)

I'm sure Mr. Cornette and I could classify a hundred bad indy groups, anything WWE does,and...your opinion as well..as crap..
(Yes, you and your colleague Mr. Cornette)

because this is one old time fan McMahon lost out on,
(Again, his loss I'm sure.)

that TNA and the way they present their show for the most part, has got, and
will keep.
(For reasons you have yet to make clear)

They are the ones that can drive this fan moreso than anybody else anywhere and that includes MMA.
(lol, gotta get in a jab at that new fangled MMA thing.)

So open your mouth, insert the foot, because, in the case of me, your opinion is dead wrong. I hope you can live with that..
(I'm sure the other douche who wrote a douche letter to another douche that was posted on a douche web site about a fake sport is texting his best friends his physical address as we speak.)

Bill Walkowitz

Portage, Wisconsin

There you have it, friends. The greatest pro wres letter ever written. I am a better person for having read this shit, and now, so are you. You are welcome.

-H.G.

Ugh. Impact.

Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

Did You Guys Miss Me? A: I'm Sure!

Hey everybooooody, it's me!

It's your host with mostest, Bobby Lashley! Wasn't that pay-per-view something? When Kurt Angle was so excited to see me I knew I made the right choice! I know some of you were disappointed I wasn't Taz but I ask you, and in all seriousness, why?

I myself was disappointed that Taz was not from Tasmania and he didn't spin around furiously in a circle when he went to the ring. Talk about buyer: beware!

I am glad that all you speculators have found out the truth and that I am not giving up my dream to be in Mumma and that I am training like Jon Hamm (get it? MAD MAN!) to fight in the real world!

I'd also like to clarify the rumors that I am on the juice? A: Sure! I'm on the juice....kick! That's right, me and my darling Kristal have opened a smoothie chain!

I have asked my friend Paul Heyman, who is super duper good at hiding weaknesses and accentuating strengths, for advice to run the smoothie.

He suggested that we capitalize on the vampire phenomenon and make one of our drinks blood-red. He also suggested that Humberto, our juicemaker, to never face the customers, for his eczema will hurt our business. Thanks Paul!

Now, it seems to me that a bunch of other pro wrestlers are jumping on the Mumma bandwagon and have decided to train in meeky freeky mixed martial arts. American Dragon Bryan Danielson is one of them. Let me tell you, brother, you're in for a world of hurt. Firstly you start missing your friends like TGK (The Great Khali for all you marks). One time I had the pleasure of watching him bang a rat and let me tell you was it a blast! His thingy looked like Joe Camel was vomiting horchata! At least he has a new manager, the bassist from No Doubt. It's a match made in heaven because that guy wrote the song "Don't Speak", right? lOLOL

Secondly, it's OUCH CITY when they hit you for real! I'm used to it now and your DNA starts flowing like the Titanic (It makes me feel alive!) but let me tell you the first time it's like if Reality wrote a check to Bobby "Blastmaster" Lashley (Get it? REALITY CHECK!). After one training, I had an booboo that looked like the bumpies on Kristal's poontang!

But there are perks, like not working with Vince McMahon and JBL and those mean dudes! American Bryan let me tell you I wish you the best of luck!

I am looking forward to working with TNA because they give me the freedom to do the real world fighting and it's the best of both worlds. But let me tell you right now Jeff Jarrett I will be ready to take you down and all my little Lashley Kids will have my back you bet your ass! Same goes to Bob Sapp. There can only be one Bobby in the universe! And who will it be? A: That's ME!!

TNA LOCKDOWN BRO

M: Hi we are Mike and Andrew and we decided to watch the TNA Lockdown
PPV together and I can promise you it will never happen again. Here is
our match by match expert analysis:


OPENING DARK MATCH: ERIC 'EY' YOUNG vs. DANNY BONADUCE

M: Danny Bonaduce is a 75 year old former child actor and he is already at least the 5th best TNA wrestler. He is most definitely on shoot steroids and brings NUNCHUCKAHS to the ring as if this were
still the 1980's and people were still pumped on Michael Dudikoff''s blockbuster movie series, American Ninja.. OH this would be a good time to mention that every single one of these matches takes place inside of a steel cage and most of them have confusing rules, but the only rule to this match is that there are no rules and that Danny Bonaduce isn't a real wrestler and before the match in his pre-fight nterview he said he's been "practicing taking bumps" which is totally
DISRESPECTING THE BIZ. Anyway, these two guys fight and Eric Young wins and then Rhino comes in and gores Danny Bonaduce for no real reason I guess. THis was probably still like the 3rd best match of the
night.

A: Danny Bonaduce promised to bleed but he didn't which I guess makes him a heel. He was definitely the dude I was most into in terms of just like YEAH GO FOR IT BRO so of course he lost. Then he choked whoever the hell with the nunchuks before Rhino seriously gored the living hell out of him. Bonaduce was the star of this entire show.
At this point the best thing in the history of wrestling happened. So the theme song for this PPV was Bullet With Butterfly Wings and the TNA Voiceover Man is talking all about how this is the show that will separate legends from gods or whatever when all of a sudden
BILLY CORGAN IN A DRUID'S ROBE does a slam poetry recitation of the first few lines of Bullet With Butterfly Wings but changes the line to be like "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a six sided steel cage of fury."

TNA X DIVISION 5 WAY SOMETHING OR OTHER TITLE MATCH: SUICIDE (c) vs.
SHIEK ABDUL JABAR vs. BLACK MACHO MAN vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. A
JAPANESE GUY

M. This match had some really awesome rules where the two black guyswere on a team together, and the japanesey and Persian were on a team together but Suicide was ON NO ONES TEAM, and at first you had to pin a guy to get him eliminated but then when there were only two guys you had to escape the cage, and whoever won became THE CHAMP! So Suicide is cool because he wears a costume that looks like the Hot Wheels logo and it just says SUICIDE on his chest as if he was wearing his own Halloween costume.. This match is whatever and then it comes down to SUICIDE and THE SHIEK and this is where we find out The Shieks
finisher is called, no shit, THE W.M.D.D.T. Anyway, Suicide ends up winning somehow. This didn't suck but it sure was confusing and stupid.

A: I don't really remember any of this except that the black guy who isn't Macho Man has a really weird gimmick. I've never seen any Rocky movies but I imagine that he is working like Rocky's comical black friend. Did Rocky have a goofy patriotic black friend? If he did, he was in this match. When this match ended, Suicide jumped off the cage onto the Arab and a bunch of security guys, I think. Apparently Suicide is still Christopher Daniels which means TNA literally doesn't know of any other skinny guys who can jump around and so he had to work two matches on this show.

4-WAY SHOOT SLUT QUEEN OF THE CAGE MATCH: ODB vs. DAFFNEY vs. SOJOURNER SOMETHING vs. ANOTHER GIRL!

M: ODB is the best wrestler, but Daffney is close to being the best. ODB has like the giantest fake tits ever. I am so curious to see her naked just to see if I would be aroused or afraid. It's up to my pants to decide.Everything ODB does is some kind of obscene gesture so she's like a human Garbage Pail Kid. She is so awesome. Daffney is pretty awesome too, but alas ODB wins where she does some kind of obscene pin.

A: ODB was in trouble at one point but then my main man Cody Deaner poured that mysterious liquid from the flask into her mouth and she remembered to slam her own titties and flash her vagina around like a cat in estrus and she won by means of putting her crotch on someone's face. I think our conclusion was that we'd party with ODB and Daffney if she's into it.

IWGP JR TAG CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE POP PUNK MACHINE GUNS (c) vs. HOMICIDE & HERNANDEZ HELLA THUGGIN vs. TEAM NO LIMIT JAPAN

M: The Pop Punk team has the belts and they are the tiniest cutest little champion belts ever. They are just like big ironic hipster belt buckles. The Japanese team comes out to the most racist music ever. It's just tikka ting ting ching ching chong chingy chong chong. This was the only match that could kind of be described as "awesome" just because the big Mexican Hernandez was straight up picking dudes up by the neck and suplexing them into cages and shit. None the less, the Pop Punk team pulls this one out with some kind of crazy top rope twisting powerbomb piledriver. Cool!

A: Yeah this was the only actually good match. Homicide is probably the most authentically G wrestler aside from the Brisco Brothers but I don't remember him doing anything. I mostly remember the Myspace Boyz getting thrown around by Hernandez who I was convinced was at least 9 feet tall and 2000 pounds during this match. Then I looked him up on wikipedia and he's only billed as being 6'2 which means he's probably like 5'6. "Fuck my life" as the kids are saying.

DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH: ABYSS vs. MATT MORGAN

M: Hahahah, this match is really called The Doomsday Chamber of Blood match. The rule here is that you have to bleed first and then you are allowed to be pinned. This was basically the worst match in the history of wrestling up until the Sting vs. Cactus Jack match. Abyss looks like a shitty create a wrestler from the WWF Attitude video game and he is the worst "scary monster" character ever. It's funny when fruits on the internet are like "WELL WHAT IF THE WWE SIGNS ABYSS" Like the WWE is just licking their chops at the prospect of signing some fat out of shape guy with a shitty tribal tat who's only 6' 2" but pretend to be 6'8" and is just a shitty budget version of Kane.These dudes bleed a little, and Abyss has all of these tiny bags of Horror that have broken glass and thumbtacks in them. I have seen about 3 Abyss matches prior to this and they all end with Abyss being slammed into thumbtacks and pinned, and this one was no different.

A: This match never stopped going. I guess the deal was like Abyss is trying to stop being violent or something so he wanted to win this match honorably and without the use of plunder. He still cracked a piece of glass on Matt Morgan's head but I guess that didn't count. Then Stevie Richards came out and was really mad at Abyss for succumbing to his violent urges and sort of pitterpattered on Abyss's back with his tiny little hands until Matt Morgan threw Abyss into the thumbtacks. This was seriously like a three hour long match.

(brief intermisson: Andrew went to go pee or something, and he missed when Borash briefly interviewed Samoa Joe who was dressed like Razor Ramon Hard Gays fat cousin. Samoa Joe is such a fat piece of shit)

THREE WAY LADY CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: AWESOME KONG (c) (w/ sexy Ninja
Sidekick) vs. ATHLETIC GIRL vs. GIRL WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW OFF THOSE RUDE TITTIES

M: This is where I decide all of these matchs were booked like when I play Fire Pro and just make matches with the dumbest fucking rules I can think of. All of these matches are set to GRUESOME mode it seems, with pins enabled. If I were really in charge, they'd also be
exploding ring matches, but maybe that will be at the next Lockdown PPV.
So Awesome Kong is probably my favorite TNA wrestler just because she's a fat pissed off black lady and that's the best gimmick. Awesome Kong tries this somersault splash and it is gully like a mug but it does not hit. If it hit this would have been the best match ever because the girl who have been nothing more than a splat mark on the ring. At one point they tie Awesome Kong to the cage by her hair extensions and then the Athletic girl hits the girl with the Rude Titties with a splash from the top rope and Rude Titties girl is hurt FOR REAL. Then they do some rollup ending and it all looks bad and shitty and now the girl with the Rude Titties is your new TNA lady champion.

A: Don West here was a heel by saying that the faces shouldn't cheat against the heel. "Reasonable" Don West.

TAG TITLE VS TAG TITLE KILLADELPHIA STREET FIGHT: TEAM 3D (The Dudleys) (IWGP CHAMPS vs. TEAM BEER (TNA CHAMPS)

M: This match is so good because they spend 15 minutes building up how fucking CRAZY and OFF THE HOOK the Philadelphia crowd is, and then the match starts and it's just ::cricket chirp cricket chirp::. But Don West and Mke Tenay both acted like people gave a shit. This was like a
pretty bad Dudleys ECW match and they did the spot where you would expect them to set a table on fire and 3D Balls Mahoney through it but alas this is TNA and there is no fire. The Dudleys beat Team Beer and now they are double champions. The crowd did not give a shit one bit.

A: There was some good stuff in this match because I like D-Von a lot. Also there was some part where one of Beer Money wanted to jump on Bubba but he rolled a little bit and the guy missed. Then the other guy wanted to jump, and Bubba rolled AGAIN! So Bubba basically single-handedly eliminated both of Beer Money by virtue of rolling a little bit. Mike Tenay acted like he couldn't hear Don West over the roar of the crowd which was cute.

FAKE WAR GAMES CHAMBER MATCH: MAIN EVENT MAFIA (Steiner, Nash, Booker T, Angle) vs. TEAM JARRETT (Jarrett, Styles, Chris Daniels, Fatso Samoa Joe)

M: This match had some rule where guys enter in one by one after a certain amount of time and then once everyone is in, a roof comes down and theres weapons on it. This match sucked a dick. Samoa Joe is like the fattest most out of shape wrestler ever. The match was highlighted by AJ Styles Jumping down from the top of the cage into the ring for no reason and no one caught him. It was awesome and highly stupid. Then someone pinned Booker T real anti-climatically. THEN OH NO THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND ITS HOLY SHIT BOBBY LASHLEY, and everyone including the announcers and the wrestlers and the entire crowd looks at him like "What the fuck??? Big fucking deal" so yeah.

A: I remember when Scott Steiner came out I was like "OH HELL YEAH SCOTT STEINER!" just because I desperately wanted to be excited for something on this show and I thought I could fake myself into thinking Scott Steiner is cool in 2009. He did a frankensteiner so maybe he could sense that thousands of miles away, one guy in California still believed in him. Remember when Christopher Daniels was the KING OF THE INDIES and now he is like the seventh best guy in a match that features both Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett?
The story here was that Jeff Jarrett was maybe going to go for the Main Event Mafia because he ruled impartially on Thursday and so no one could trust him. So AJ Styles and Booker T were kinda staggering around like bums and who was Jarrett going to hit? Oh it was Booker T. Then Bobby Lashley showed up looking pretty well dressed and Kurt Angle was like YES YES! and the good guys were like OH NO! So my guess is that Bobby Lashley ends up being a good guy and beats up Kurt Angle a little bit on free TV and then goes away forever.


TNA TITLE MATCH: CACTUS JACK vs. STING (c)

M: So after every single gimmick match ever they finish the ppv with a regular boring cage match. This was seriously the worst match that has ever taken place in a wrestling ring, despite how many sides said ring had. This was like when I accidentally put on AWA classics and it's
just two fat out of shape guys hugging and chopping each other for a half hour until one of them does a body slams and pins the guy. The only difference is Sting was lazier than any fat AWA guy and he basically just laid down on the ground for the whole match. Then all of a sudden at the end they both decided to randomly climb out of the cage at the same time and Cactus Jack beats Sting.

A: Sting was afraid he was going to break a hip or something so he really did just lay down the whole time while Cactus Jack would lean up against the cage and bleed. Then he tried to crawl out through a tiny hole in the cage. And he demanded the barbed wire bat be handed to him and it was, but not handle first. So he had to sort of gingerly hold the end of the bat between two fingers.


FINAL THOUGHTS:

M: This was more or less the worst shit imaginable. Fuck you TNA. I almost considered quitting this blog because of this but I surely quit ever watching TNA again. Thanks a lot.

A: I'm not mad, TNA. I'm just disappointed. Impact was so not terrible on Thursday that I thought, I hoped against hope, that this wouldn't just be terrible. I don't wanna get all SMART MARK *Brian Pillman voice* but when every single match is in a steel cage, it sort of makes the fact that it's in a steel cage seem less exciting. Fuck you TNA.