ECW: The 8 person fed.

I am back for this 4/28 episode of ECW. It's hot, my shins hurt and my stomach feels like it's full of hammers. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be spending time with a babe on a rooftop somewhere. So lonely.

ECW starts with Christian the NEW ECDub champ coming out to talk about some things! Then he is interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who is....wearing a dress suit!!! Hahaha, does Tommy Dreamer always wear dress suits now? It's so weird to see him out of his usual black t shirt and swish pants. Hey, remember those two months where they gave Tommy Dreamer that gimmick where he would eat weird stuff? That was such a good gimmick!
So yeah Tommy Dreamer is like "I am retiring in 6 weeks and I want to win the ECDub title one more time" and I bet Andrew is real sad about this because Tommy Dreamer is his favorite wrestler. THEN, Tommy starts shoot cwying wike a wittle fucken babby about NYC and MSG and The HISTORY (oh this is taking place in MSG) and then Christins like "Ok dude stop being bitch about this. I will give you a title match here TONIGHT in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

THEN Jack Motherfucking Swagger comes out with his Biggie Smalls eyes all like ITS ALL GOOD BABAY BABAY! and he's like NO ONE CAN GET A TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME, but then Bad Actress Tifany comes OUT (SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT HO LY SHIT! HO LY SHIT!) and she's like FUCK THAT TOMMY DREAMER AND CHRISTIAN ARE HAVING A MATCH TONIGHT.

So then I do something unprecedented and I go make a sandwich. I like to put potato chips on my sandwiches. Does that make me a fat kid? The answer is "probably"!

I'm back and FInlay is fighting the Merkin dude Tyson Kidd, who is maybe the gayest looking wrestler on all of TV. he even wears pink booty shorts. This was a pretty good match from what I saw, as there were MOVES and PSYCHOLOGIES and SELLING, The best part was Finaly actually doing a vintage AKI-MAN reversal by spinning on the top of his head to get out of a leg lock! E C DUB E C DUB! Then Tyson gets the dastardly win by hitting FInlays fucked up knee with a Shilalaleigh (sp) BEHIND THE REFS BACK.

After commercial, KOZLOV comes out to the Ramp and he's dressed like M.Bison. There is no real explanation for this. He comes out and says some shit in russian about World Domination and bounces. It was literally 30 seconds. I hope this is leading to a whole Street Fighter crew of wrestlers.

They show Matt Striker and the other guy at the announce table and those dudes sit REAAALLLL close to each other. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They introduce a new member of the ECDub announce team, GREG SHANE HELMS! Haha, I guess it's better than being fired. Helms is interviewing Evan Bourne and then Paul Burchill come sout to interrupt him because they have to make sure all 8 ECDub wrestlers appear on every show I guess. Man Burchill's sister is doable.

Wow, it's already time for the MAIN EVENT which is still unfortunately Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy is wearing some kind of really weird tye dye zebra print shiny swish pants and I don't know if this is a normal thing for him just like the dress suits. He looks like an asshole for sure. I try not to watch Tommy Dreamer matches because he's the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling, so I close my eyes and lay face down for a while, just listening to the announcers call the match like in the olden days when young pups would listen to the wrestling matches on the ol' transistor radio. Unfortunately, this match is long and I'm about to fall asleep so I have to sit up and actually watch this shit. Honestly from what I saw, it wasn't that bad for a Tommy Dreamer match that didn't include garbage cans and ladders. After a while it looks like Tommy Dreamer is gonna beat Christian (haha yeah ok) and Jack Swagger comes in and FUCKS EVERYONE UP. DQ THE END.

I will be much more excited about watching ECW in 6 weeks when Tommy Dreamer can never be on it again.

EC DUB 4/21

So I haven't watched ECW since they fired the hot vampire girl, who was my all time favorite *Diva*. Ever since then, I've been like Fuck ECW, so watching it now is quite the experience.
The show opens and we are in ENGLAND which is not a part of AMERICA, and Finlay & Hornswaggle are in the ring TALKING. Finlay is catching feelings because Hornswaggle has been drafted to Smackdown and they were tight bros. Hornswaggle wants to wrestle tonight as a going away present(?). Then Natalya Neidhart comes out with some sweetboy who is seemingly wearing a Merkin on his head named Jason Kidd. They're like fuck this midget fool and then he bites Natalya on the ass. Speaking of Natalya's ass, it looks really big but I think it's more because she has stumpy ass legs, but still she probably has the biggest ass in *Diva* history. So then there is a commercial, and there is seriously a commercial every 4 minutes during this show and I don't know how people ever watch this shit.
SO yeah then a lady fights a little person and the little person wins because he is the one with the bigger handicap, for now at least.

commercial

Back from commercial and Natalya and Merkin are bitching to ummmm....some girl from porno, who I guess is the manager of ECW (?) and, I don't know, something. The porn girl is really bad at acting.
Then there's a RAW Recap but the only Raw Recap I need is from my man A.W. over at 6-3-94.blogspot.com. He was recently voted the Wrestling Observer's number one Raw Recapper.
Oh splendid, now a recap of the matches at the next PPV. ECW is like WWE: The Informercial.

Oh shit Evan Bourne is on his way to the ring, and I imagine this dude wrestles on ECW TV every week because he seems to be the only person people give a shit about out of all of these ECW scrubs. Who is he fighting? A COMMERCIAL!
Oh, He's fighting Paul Burchil who's a dude I remember seeing on RAW like a year or two ago once and then never again. He comes out with his "sister" (not sure if that's a shoot or not) and, man jaw aside, you wouldn't have to bend my arm to sleep with her, for real.
This is probably the longest non-main event match I've seen on WWE TV in 37 years. Evan Bourne is such a spritely fellow and he always looks like he's in pain, but simultaneously enjoying the pain. They do a lot of moves here, including Burchill slapping on the backside of his thighs to get the crowd pumped. That was weird. Bourne does the most awkward twisting rollup thing I've ever seen and it's amazing. These announcer guys are like the TMI announcers. No wonder internet slugs like them so much, they are like istening to two Aspie dudes call a wrestling match. SO yeah, Evan Bourne wins this match by doing a Shooting Star Press where he legit jumps 5000 feet into the air.

Before we go to commercial, there's a filmed promo for that Kozlov dude and ohhhh he's just in an alleyway minding his own punching glass bottles with his fists and I'm sure everyone watching at home is thinking, "Look at this fuckin' guy" because that's what I was thinking.

Now it's Kozlov vs. some local jobber. Haha, ECW has matches with local jobbers. This show is so weird. Well, Kozlov is the most pissed off looking dude ever and he murders this dude, but I think they need to give him some kind of finisher where he drops a dude on the neck to really put over that this dude is pissed off.

During the commercial break, there is a commercial for a website called onlinebootycall.com which is the most triflin' looking website I have seen advertised during wrestling since a couple weeks ago on Raw when they had a commercial for Ashleymadison.com

THE MAIN EVENT is a contract signing between Jack Swagger and Christian for a TITLE MATCH at the PPV. So the porn manager's name is "Tiffany". It's good she has such a unique and one of a kind name because she really sticks out. Jack Swagger looks like Christian if Christian drank some Mutagen. Speaking of Christian and Mutagen, I haven't seen dude in a while, but he definitely stopped taking his pro wrestler vitamins because he's a regular sized guy now. Swagger talks forever during this and it's hard to tell because of his gigantic Caveman brow, but he has a slight case of Biggie Smalls Eyes. Then it's Christian's turn to talk and he has some SNAPS. I know Christian is supposed to be the good guy but I hope Swagger fucks him up at the PPV. It is not cool to SNAP on a dude's speech problems. Well, they end up fighting a little like every contract signing ever. The end. I may watch this again, just to see what other weird scrub characters fight on ECW, but I'm not going to lose sleep if I forget this show exists in 5 minutes.