DINGDONG it's Thursday.

Hey, remember when I would recap Impact? It used to go a little something like this...
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The Main Event Mafia comes out and the Main Event Mafia has some fat guys now and Sting is back with them. Sting is dressed like a low budget geisha themed superhero. Kurt Angle has a rose for some reason and says some crap. Then Mick Foley comes out with DANIELS who no longer has a first name. He is just DANIELS. It is the dumbest name ever. Then Jeff Jarrett and AJ Styles come out and they're all mad about something, I honestly don't know what. This segment concludes with Kurt Angle saying "Can't we all just get along?" which is, I guess, a pretty clever reference by TNA standards.
The real patriotic dancing guy comes out and wrestles Suicide! I had the brilliant idea to start teaming Homicide and Suicide. Suicide does an STO which Mike Tenay calls a judo maneuver which, uh.. sort of. Then Suicide wins and there we go.
Matt Morgan asks Mick Foley for some favor and Mick Foley says Matt Morgan can fight the fat guys, then decides against it and tells that little weasely guy "Leave me be!"
Then we had some segment where, I dunno, the Main Event Mafia was all being interviewed and it wasn't very interesting except that the feud between the Survivor Chick and Sharmell continues. The basis for this feud, as far as I can tell, is that just like you can't keep two bettas in the same aquarium, neither can you keep two women in the same room. I'm not lying when I say it's the most interesting thing in TNA.
Matt Morgan beats up the Main Event Mafia Security who are the biggest scrubs on the planet. One is insanely fat, the other is just regular fat. They are also terrible. Anyway, they get beat up.
Then Mick Foley yells at the little squirrely guy about the guy's love of Twitter. I'm seriously not making this up.
Beer Money beat Jethro Tull and Eric Young, it was boring. Whatever.
Then an awesome thing happened where Awesome Kong SPOKE! And she said "Dumb blond! DEAD BLOND!" I don't know who she was talking about but I am inclined to agree with her.
Awesome Kong did indeed kill the blond so there was that.
Then, oh I don't know. Something. I'm really bored with this show.
The main event was some ten man and stuff happened, then Mick Foley went crazy and tried to kill Jeff Jarrett with a barbed wire baseball bat so Jarrett kicked Foley in the N U Teez and gave him his finishing move onto the bat and Sting pinned him.
Then Sting said if he loses at the pay per view, he will wrestle no more forever.
No Cody Deaner. UGH.