BREAKING NEWS: ESPN TO ANNOUNCE NEW SPORTSCENTER ANCHORS

Sources tell 6-3-94 that ESPN plans to unveil indy-wres money-mark (and cheeseburger enthusiast) Jim "Fanzo" Fannin and his main squeeze Stacy "Staxx" Wisslead as the next co-anchors of its flagship sports news show, Sportscenter.

The announcement, expected to be made official early in the week, has many industry insiders scratching their heads, as Fanzo's presence makes a collision between him and the network's resident fat asshole, Chris Berman, almost inevitable. About the likely competition with Berman, Fannin was heard to ramble on and on about Jimmy Jacobs and barbed wire baseball bats and New Jack, but honestly nobody cared to listen to that internet tough guy shit.

Fannin doesn't have much of a history in broadcasting (or in being employed, for that matter), but he has been the on-again/off-again voice of IWA Mid-South for years, basically sitting at the play-by-play table when the boys in the back run out of ribs to play on him. His commentary is recognizable for his endless anecdotes about "the old K-Mart building in Louisville" and getting roughed up by Bull Pain, but it remains to be seen if those familiar talking points (and references to his own personal money mark, Grandma Fannin) will be brought to the Sportscenter desk.

While Fanzo is likely to froth at the mouth about queers and foreigners, in between wistfully recalling the glory days of his two-burgers-a-day diet (never forget) and arguing for Ron Santo's inclusion in Cooperstown, Staxx' role on the program is less clear, but most speculate it will include a lot of smiling, shutting the fuck up, and silently wondering where it all went wrong.

Though the pair's start date is still up in the air, it's expected to come soon enough that Ian can use Fanzo's first paycheck to run the first annual Playboy Buddy Rose Memorial Fat Fuck Death Tournament, in which Fanzo is a rumored participant.