BREAKING NEWS: ESPN TO ANNOUNCE NEW SPORTSCENTER ANCHORS

Sources tell 6-3-94 that ESPN plans to unveil indy-wres money-mark (and cheeseburger enthusiast) Jim "Fanzo" Fannin and his main squeeze Stacy "Staxx" Wisslead as the next co-anchors of its flagship sports news show, Sportscenter.

The announcement, expected to be made official early in the week, has many industry insiders scratching their heads, as Fanzo's presence makes a collision between him and the network's resident fat asshole, Chris Berman, almost inevitable. About the likely competition with Berman, Fannin was heard to ramble on and on about Jimmy Jacobs and barbed wire baseball bats and New Jack, but honestly nobody cared to listen to that internet tough guy shit.

Fannin doesn't have much of a history in broadcasting (or in being employed, for that matter), but he has been the on-again/off-again voice of IWA Mid-South for years, basically sitting at the play-by-play table when the boys in the back run out of ribs to play on him. His commentary is recognizable for his endless anecdotes about "the old K-Mart building in Louisville" and getting roughed up by Bull Pain, but it remains to be seen if those familiar talking points (and references to his own personal money mark, Grandma Fannin) will be brought to the Sportscenter desk.

While Fanzo is likely to froth at the mouth about queers and foreigners, in between wistfully recalling the glory days of his two-burgers-a-day diet (never forget) and arguing for Ron Santo's inclusion in Cooperstown, Staxx' role on the program is less clear, but most speculate it will include a lot of smiling, shutting the fuck up, and silently wondering where it all went wrong.

Though the pair's start date is still up in the air, it's expected to come soon enough that Ian can use Fanzo's first paycheck to run the first annual Playboy Buddy Rose Memorial Fat Fuck Death Tournament, in which Fanzo is a rumored participant.

Impact why have you come to haunt me

So for whatever reason I'm gonna maybe watch Impact here and review it.
Impact for once starts with a wrestling match! The Amazing Red used to wear stuff that was like Hot Topic clearance shelf items and now he wears real wrestling stuff but he's also about as tall as US Olympian Shawn Johnson and so no one is impressed. Suicide beats the Amazing Red in an amazing fashion. Amazing!
Sssssssssssssssssting is the new king of the world and he fires the chicks which is awesome. Everyone fire a chick right now.
Oh you know what? No.

Another Impact Review

Mike and I thought it would be cool if we both reviewed Impact because we're the dumbest guys in the world.
I missed the opening segment because I was eating dinner. Anyway there's this triple threat tag team match which is weird because the team of The Black Guys gets no offense or even uhhh... defense or whatever in this match. The Pop Punk Dudes beat on Christopher Daniels for a while and I was watching Rachel Maddow earlier and there was footage of the White Knight Riots when Harvey Milk's assassin only got manslaughter and Daniels looks exactly like those rioting gay men of 30 years ago. RIP Harvey. Suicide wins and that makes Daniels mad for some reason but then Suicide uses his magic to DISAPPEAR!
Kurt Angle petitions an empty sky~
Sting talks about how he wrestles because it speaks to his soul or some shit. Blah blah blah Jesus fag blah blah.
Then the awesomest thing which is Booker T and Kevin Nash practicing in the ring! So they're just kicking each other and then periodically they're like YEAH SUCKERS! or whatever. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen on TNA and literally everything in TNA is really weird.
Uh.. Huh. So the Dudleys are out and are like WE LOVE TAG TEAM WRESTLING! (Idea for D'von heel turn: "I have ALWAYS hated tag team wrestling!") So they're saying some shit when the British guys come out and I've never seen them before but one of them is sort of fat and small, one is pretty normal for a wrestler, and one is fairly gigantic. That's a good stable. I thought one of them was supposed to be a gladiator but apparently not. Anyway they beat up the Dudley Boyz until Beer Money comes out. I remember when Beer Money was fake friends with the Dudley Boyz and then it turned out to ALL BE A LIE! But apparently this time it's FOR REAL!
Eric Young gets yelled at for being a damn idiot.
Then Eric Young has to wrestle Sting and he's sort of like "uuhhhhhhh" or whatever. He takes some Ric Flair style bumps and then decides to kill himself a little bit flying over the top rope to the outside and then gets put in the sharpshooter thing for the tap. He looks decidedly butthurt as the camera cuts to the skinny blond chick that's the champ. She is WALKING!
So Jim Cornette presides over the contract signing between the blond chick and good old Awesome Kong. The blond chick cuts a pretty awesome promo but her alleged high class lifestyle is betrayed by her extreme white trash tattoos. Awesome Kong is so mad about whatever the hell that she kills REFEREE RUDY CHARLES who looks like a pudgy little baby.
The concerned blond chick and Abyss are at Doctor Stevie's office. Apparently Doctor Stevie is a real ass doctor since he has an office. The blond chick (the concerned one) tells Abyss that sorority sisters are a bond that can never be broken. I have no fucking clue what that was about but I loved it. The concerned blond chick is really coming into her own. This is my favorite thing TNA has done ever/
I think AJ Styles is saying something but I'm in the other room right now because I'm checking my facebook. Facebook rules. Does AJ Styles have a facebook? Let's find out.
He doesn't waaah.
Then a commercial airs for www.grandprixwrestling.com which is apparently a wrestling group that is around my area! And they are accepting trainees! Maybe I should forget about this judo rigmarole and get in on the fake fighting train. I am very excited about this. For too long this shitty nowhere town I live in has been bereft of indie wres.
Matt Morgan is going to wrestle Kurt Angle and he's so much stronger! So much bigger! Commercial! Kurt Angle wins but it's a hard fought match and he has earned new respect for this big ass idiot.
The concerned chick remains powerful concerned, this time for Jeff Jarrett because he has to fight Samoa Joe who is just a big fat emo murderer these days.
Samoa Joe beats up Jeff Jarrett so much that he then also beats up the referee and it's over. Then AJ Styles is mad I guess so he comes out to fight with Samoa Joe. So Joe and AJ have beef but they are both fighting dudes in the Main Event Mafia at the pay per view so they're both uhhhhhhhh faces? I shouldn't even worry about it.
The main event is Mick Foley versus a cardboard cutout of Rocky and he wins but he takes some punishment from Rocky's punches first. That's because Mick is a fucking pro. Then he wins and is happy but Jeff Jarrett has recovered from being killed by Samoa Joe enough to be like "Come on dude!" and then everyone fights everyone but Mick Foley comes out ahead.
This was literally the best Impact of all time.

TNA 5-21: THE RETURN OF CONTRIBUTOR IV

So I am back after moving to review TNA for the very first time on this blog. Well I reviewed a PPV but that doesn't count.

So this thing starts off with a Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett montage and I quickly realize I have lost all knowledge of wrestling I sponged in those 3 glorious weeks (Known as 6394's Attitude Era) I was involved with blogging here, replacing all of that important wrestling knowledge with memorizations of Subway systems, so all of this is new to me again. This is a concern because I already thought TNA was the most confusing show on TV, and I am also super high off of fancy weed which is making everything even MORE hard to follow.

I guess this montage is because Jarrett & Foley hate each other, but oh good, we are starting TNA off with Jarrett blabbing in the ring about Foley and then Foley comes out and he's a legit bad guy again, and THEN jarrett is like "Im gonna be in the Sacrifice match" and foley is like "BUT WHAT WILL YOU SACRIFICE HOW ABOUT YOUR SHARES OF TNA???" And Jarrett is like "ok", and I don't fucking understand this Sacrifice match. So is it whoever gets pinned has to sacrifice some shit? Fuck it who cares, this is all giving me a panic attack.

Ok so then Foley is like WELL IM GONNA MAKE SOME MATCHES and he says a bunch of things that go over my head, then he says something about Samoa Joe and his NATION OF VIOLENCE and I have no idea what that means but I am fucking pumped to find out. Finally before the commercial break there is a skit with Angle backstage and it was all like FUCKYEAHDUDEBLAHABAABAHSH and something about a Frenzy (????) match. and my head is fucking exploding. Oh good. commercials.

We are back & catching up with the WHO IS SUICIDE IS IT CHRIS DANIELS thing, and it looks like it's not Chris Daniels, but who fucking cares if it was Chris Daniels? Would that give him some kind of unfair advantage? WHY DOES ANYONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.
But now both Daniels and Suicide are being interviewed at the same time and they're gonna fight at the PPV, but tonight they are bros in a match.

Lethal Consequences vs Machine Guns vs vs Daniels/Suicide: This was mostly too confusing for me and they're stil talking about the mystery of Suicide. Shuuuuut the Fuccccccckkkkkkkk Uppppppp. So yeah, moves, moves, moves and then Daniels does this crazy ass moonsault plancha and for a second I'm PUMPED, but then Suicide wins with a move. COMMERCIAL.

Back from commercial and literally nothing of interest happens except they show booker T and Kevin Nash training for...something and it is very homoerotic. COMMERCIAL.

The Dudleys are giving a spirited speech about tag team wrestling and apparently they started some kind of Tag Team Invitiational tournmanet and whaaaaaat the fuuuuuck?? How are you just gonna make an Invitational Tournament?? That is not a thing everyone has the power to do. So the Dudleys are beefing with THE BRITISH INVASION and I have no clue who these guys are. They all look like British dudes, so maybe one is Nigel Mcguiness. Now they are talking back and forth and the Dudleys cant fuckin handle it so they throw dem bo's but THE BRITISH INVASION have a giant Biritsh Strongman, so they are now fucking the fuck up the Dudleys. NO WAIT, BEER MONEY is out!! Who are they!!! Some guys!!! THE BRITISH INVASION are scared of these dudes and I think their ring music is Livin on a Prayer or maybe I just smoked angel dust. Holy shit thank god this segment is over. It's only 9:45

OH SHIT NOW JARRETT AND ERIC YOUNG ARE BEEFIN BACKSTAGE. They are ironing out their problems like bros though. No reason to throw down. Oh it turns out Micke Foley has to fight Eric Young. Cool! COMMERCIAL THANK GOD.

Oh Kurt Angle was looking for Sting...and he found him! They are kind of beefing I think. I don't think it's gonna come to blows though. They are just yelling like an old married couple. I think they might hug it out, bitch. They do!

Oh now Eric Young vs. Sting. I guess I was confused earlier when I said he had to fight Mick Foley. I can't keep up with this shit man, I'm sorry. Is this seriously only the 2nd match? I feel like so much shit has happened. Oh, so I guess Eric Young and Sting are tight bros from way back and this is heartbreaking for the both of them. It's heartbreaking for me too. Man the sound got all weird for a second and you could only hear 6 people clapping. Maybe I AM on angel dust, or maybe only 6 people give a shit about this match? Oh, Eric Young taps to Sting's Sharpshooter. NEXT ON IMPACT: AWESOME KONG ANGELA LOVE CONTRACT SIGNING!!

Borash is gonna send insider knowledge to your mobile phone. Now he's about to chat up Mick Foley to find out what former heavyweight champion Foley is gonna fight tonight. I hope it's Gillberg. IT HAS TO BE GILLBERG. Borash and Foley are doing some kind of abott and costello bullsquid. SEGMENT OVER.

There is a SERIOUS Awesome Kong montage. It was pretty dope. Now it's time for the CONTRACT SIGNING. DUN DUN. Fat Jim Cornette is out to....officiate (???) the contract signing (I guess). Angela Love is one of the most porn star looking lady wrestlers ever. She is bringing security with her because she is beefing with Awesome King pretty hardcore. Cornette is telling the security to back the fuck off because it ain't that kind of party. Awesome Kong is out with the ninja. The Ninja gets to stay in the ring. That doesn't seem fair. They sign the contract and now the porno bitch is talking waaaaaay too fucking much and then Kng tries to smash the fuck out of her but some ref tries to stop her and she smashes the fuck out of that dude instead THROUGH A TABLE! Only 53 more minutes of this bullshit.

Hey let's skip a segment because it's just talking anyway, and I am trying to enjoy eating.

00hhhhh g0d more talking. Matt Morgan wants to join the Main Event Mafia So he is fighting Kurt Angle RIGHT NOW. Oh man Kurt Angle is definitely not taking wrestler vitamins anymore, but it looks like Matt Morgan is still taking a few. Matt Morgan appears to have a Jack O Lantern face tattooes on his back or something. They do some moves and then Morgan tries to go for the HELLAVATOR which is hte best name for a move, but Angle reverses it into a rollup and wins!

Now we are talking to Jeff Jarrett backstage and FUCK WHEN WILL THIS SHIT END. (in 25 minutes).

I think this is the main event now! Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett! It turns out Samoa Joe's Nation of Violence is just him and his towel. Booo. Samoa Joe fucks shit up as if he were an actual monster and not some morbidly obese dude with creepy flab and muscle pants. Joe gets DQd for fucking too much shit up and now AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are beefing because Joe is too pumped, or maybe because AJ has hamburgers in his pocket. So I guess this wasn't the main event. Fuuuuuuuuck. COMMERCIAL. 14 more minutes!

Oh that's right, I forgot the main event is supposed to be Mick Foley vs. Gillberg. FINALLY. Oh no, it's not Gillberg. It's a carboard cutout of Rocky Balboa!! He's coming to the ring with a Mickie lookalike and Don West is losing his shit and acting as if Rocky Balboa was real and then Mike Tenay tells Don West to STFU and HOLY SHIT!!! The crowd is chanting ROCKY ROCKY!!! Foley is having a real match with the cardboard Rocky. THIS IS AMAZING!! CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Foley beats Rocky with an elbow and then does like a mashup of Rocky speeches and MICK FOLEY IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Jeff Jarrett hates fun and comes out to beat the shit out of Mick Foley because he's a fucking cocksucker, but then Agnle comes out because he appreciates Foley's brand of comedy and he wrecks Jarrett. Then Sting comes out to try and stop the beef but Foley fucks HIM up. Finally Foley fucks Jarrett up too. THE END. Please just watch the last 10 minutes of this bullshit ass show. Fuck this never again am I watching this horrible snot.

I didn't watch Raw, but I'll review it anyway

It's been established here that Raw is pretty much worthless right now. I don't think dragging aging attention whore Ric Flair out of mothballs will help things. Can't Flair get his attention fix the same way every other soccer mom and nerdy douchebag out there does (Facebook)? Anyway, right around 9pm last night, I dialed up my DVR and watched The History Channel's excellent Life After People series. It was a mighty fine hour speculating what would happen to some cities if all human beings were suddenly wiped off the planet. There's probably a joke in there about how WWE would go on, since Vince McMahon isn't really a human being, but that's snarky, hacky humor and pretty weak, to boot. Oh hey, how about this:

SIX MONTHS AFTER PEOPLE:

MIKE SWEETSER'S PORN COLLECTION AND TRANSFORMERS DOLLS START TO DETERIORATE. WITHOUT SWEETSER AROUND TO LOVINGLY WIPE HIS SEMEN FROM THEM, HIS RANCID SMEGMA BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN THE PLASTIC AND METALS. NOT EVEN UNICRON CAN WITHSTAND THE CAUSTIC FURY OF MIKE SWEETSTER'S JISM.

So yeah, I didn't watch Raw at all. I'll probably fast forward to any possible good parts later this week and maybe that'll take 10 minutes. Or I'll just delete it, sight unseen after I pull up the DVR menu like on Thursday and see it sitting there. I wrote the headline to this story with the intent or reading the recap over at WOL and summarizing the show with some witty quips here and there, but FUCK. Just reading about the program that was is tedious. I give up. ECW is on tonight, and apparently Harry Smith, who is less of a fuckup than Reid Flair, wrestles Fit Finlay and that should be above average. I'd recommend checking that out. Also, go find the Youtube video that the picture on the left came from. It's an awesome, life-affirming story and a better expenditure of your time than Raw. There's more to life than arguing the number of stars Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker should get (for future reference, it's ****1/4).

So yeah, skip Raw, DVR Life After People and ECW, check out those ducks, and go read Total MMA by Jonathan Snowden. All are better than Raw. Gracias.

Bits and Pieces

Hey, that was the title of a column in Hustler...if it was good enough for a 12 year old lad trying to find his way in a strange new world of full-spread beaver shots and incredibly racist cartoons, it's good enough for you.

I saw The Wrestler, finally. Shit, that was really, really good. How Mickey Rourke didn't get the Oscar can only be attributed to the Gay Conspiracy, or the fact that he would undoubtedly sully the Academy's good name by fake fighting Chris Jericho.

I recall a friend I had a s a kid telling me that Sean Penn always looked like he was about to sneeze, which was hilarious. And accurate.

Anyway, The parallels of a wrestler and a stripper as both being used up whores abusing their bodies to sell fantasy to fat, disgusting virgins while secretly aching to leave DA BIZNESS was awesome and pathetic and beautiful. Speaking of fat, gross virgins, I could have lived without seeing Paul Sisnowski (SHOOT NAMES) on my TV screen on a Sunday night. Man, fuck you, you fucking slob. I guess I should count myself lucky that the camera avoided Jim Fannin's smug, vaugely Asian, lard-stuffed fat fucking visage during the CZW segments of the movie.

So yeah, my point is that The Wrestler is some poignant, great shit. If you somehow avoided seeing it longer than I did, check it out, brother. Also, you get to see Marissa Tomei's RUUUUUUUDE TITTAYS.

All this talk of aging attention whores looking for a comeback leads me to...

Ric Flair wants to wrestle again. Yeah, and the sun sets in the west. This is the least shocking wrestling story of the year. Christ, how pathetic. The guy is leaving frantic voicemails on Johnny Ace's machine offering to come out of retirement and wrestle again, like Marissa Tomei's aging stripper pathetically angling for some college mooks to let her rub her ginch on them for a few bucks. Unreal. This old fucker is seriously delusional. He's been quoted as saying that he feels better than he did when he retired. Well yeah, a year off will do that for you. Especially a year off without any kind of drug testing. Here's a better idea, Naitch: work on your family and maybe try to help the kid you were never around for get off smack. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIS BIRTHDAYYYYYY? Fuck, man, fuck.

Nobody is updating this site. After the loss of Mike Dikk to real, gainful employment, it's been pretty much the Andrewbulous show. I'll do what I can, but come on dudes, little help here.

Dave Meltzer shoots on Scott Keith. Regarding the "Fall of WCW" DVD, America's preeminent fake fighting scribe wrote, "Their knowledge of WCW history appeared to be scouring the Internet and reading Scott Keith-level historical material." Sure, picking on Scooter is as easy as punching a retarded kid (actually, that's not much of a metaphor, since Netcop does look a little downsy), but it's still pretty fucking funny. Meltzer, since getting some Fuck You Money from yahoo, just don't give a fuck. It's tremendous. Next, he'll drive to Keith's house and ass fuck that beast that appears to be growing out of SK's shoulder, while Scott weeps. And masturbates. While weeping.

Raw not really worth watching. Damn, Smackdown, Superstars, and ECW all had some great wrestling last week. Raw has been shit for a while, and you might as well get to bed early for work the next day like I did. Unless you're like the aforementioned Green Lantern Fan or 90% of the people who watch this garbage and don't have a job and your plans for tomorrow are to waddle down to Gamestop and hit BK or Hardee's for a Monster Thickburger (hi Dean!) on the way home or whatever.

Anyway, thanks for reading, my dudes. That's all for right now. So long from The Sunshine State. More later, maybe.

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I missed the first whatever many minutes of Raw because who cares. So let's pick up from here!
Batista is wrestling Orton's nerds and then because Batista is really dumb, he gets caught by the referee with a cage and gets in trouble for it. ;_;
Maryse is out being awesome, saying some shit in french and then she says "If I wasn't Maryse.... I'd want to be!" which is the best catchphrase ever. She is teaming with whoever against Mickey James and whoever and Mickey James wins and the world is horrible.
Umm, I don't remember. Chavo tricked Vickie and then Michael Cole and the King were in the ring to talk about the pay per view which was very strange.
I missed Carlito versus Brian Kendrick because I was taking the garbage out to the curb but presumably Carlito won. Apparently Ted Dibiase Jr has been beat up badly. I don't know.
The Big Show has come out to witness the EXHIBITION MATCH between the Miz and John Cena. Who even knows what that means. I guess I will find out. brb!
Okay this was awesome actually because the Miz sort of beat up on Cena for a while, then Cena was making his come back and Vickie comes on the big screen and is like CENA YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY WIN THIS MATCH IS OVER! and Miz DDTed Cena and then walked away all triumphant.
Randy Orton told Cody Rhodes that he needs to beat up Batista. "You got this," he said to Cody. My guess is that Cody Rhodes does not got this.
Santina is wacky or whatever, I don't know. I can't say I was even in the room for that. I'm sorry. I'm really bad at my job. Todd Martin........... forgive me.
Cody Rhodes proved once and for all that he did not got this as Batista kills him and throws him into the roid cave where presumably he teaches Cody how to gain muscle mass.
Santina beat Beth Phoenix and a lot of fake laughter came from the announcers.
Some midcard crap happens here with MVP and Regal and whatever.
Oh god listen... This show was just brutally boring and I so don't care to finish this recap. Raw sucks so bad right now, nothing interesting happens ever. At least in Impact, you know something really stupid is going to happen. What a worthless fucking show.

Pro-Wres Porn Lookalikes: #1

Captain Lou Albano, and a man interrupting a meal of moules mariniere to help a woman in handcuffs give birth.

DINGDONG it's Thursday.

Hey, remember when I would recap Impact? It used to go a little something like this...
1 2
1 2 3 4
The Main Event Mafia comes out and the Main Event Mafia has some fat guys now and Sting is back with them. Sting is dressed like a low budget geisha themed superhero. Kurt Angle has a rose for some reason and says some crap. Then Mick Foley comes out with DANIELS who no longer has a first name. He is just DANIELS. It is the dumbest name ever. Then Jeff Jarrett and AJ Styles come out and they're all mad about something, I honestly don't know what. This segment concludes with Kurt Angle saying "Can't we all just get along?" which is, I guess, a pretty clever reference by TNA standards.
The real patriotic dancing guy comes out and wrestles Suicide! I had the brilliant idea to start teaming Homicide and Suicide. Suicide does an STO which Mike Tenay calls a judo maneuver which, uh.. sort of. Then Suicide wins and there we go.
Matt Morgan asks Mick Foley for some favor and Mick Foley says Matt Morgan can fight the fat guys, then decides against it and tells that little weasely guy "Leave me be!"
Then we had some segment where, I dunno, the Main Event Mafia was all being interviewed and it wasn't very interesting except that the feud between the Survivor Chick and Sharmell continues. The basis for this feud, as far as I can tell, is that just like you can't keep two bettas in the same aquarium, neither can you keep two women in the same room. I'm not lying when I say it's the most interesting thing in TNA.
Matt Morgan beats up the Main Event Mafia Security who are the biggest scrubs on the planet. One is insanely fat, the other is just regular fat. They are also terrible. Anyway, they get beat up.
Then Mick Foley yells at the little squirrely guy about the guy's love of Twitter. I'm seriously not making this up.
Beer Money beat Jethro Tull and Eric Young, it was boring. Whatever.
Then an awesome thing happened where Awesome Kong SPOKE! And she said "Dumb blond! DEAD BLOND!" I don't know who she was talking about but I am inclined to agree with her.
Awesome Kong did indeed kill the blond so there was that.
Then, oh I don't know. Something. I'm really bored with this show.
The main event was some ten man and stuff happened, then Mick Foley went crazy and tried to kill Jeff Jarrett with a barbed wire baseball bat so Jarrett kicked Foley in the N U Teez and gave him his finishing move onto the bat and Sting pinned him.
Then Sting said if he loses at the pay per view, he will wrestle no more forever.
No Cody Deaner. UGH.

Spotlight on: JERRY FLYNN

Fame is a fickle whore. It is fleeting, difficult to obtain and once you grab a hold of it all it does is try to struggle free from your grasp. Only the most fortunate among us grabs hold of fame and rides the fuck out of it. Jerry Flynn is one of those luck souls, and this is his tale...

HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

On a stormy January night in 1962 Jerry Flynn fought his way out of the womb of his mother, Ellen. Ellen Harrison was a school bus driver in Boardman, North Carolina. She had an ill advised one night stand with town drunk Otis Riles, and due to his poor timing and horribly executed attempt at the old "Catholic Ejection Seat" Jerry was conceived. Otis then vanished from Ellen and Jerry's lives forever. On that rainy night Ellen sat in the bathtub of her single wide trailer, giving birth as the trailer park handyman and noted Kung Fu expert Fred "Iron Claw" Flynn acting as her mid wife. After hours and hours of pushing it became apparent that the baby she was trying to shit out of her snatch was too fucking awesome for simple vaginal birth and with one swift spin kick he managed rip open his mother's womb and emerged from a gaping hole in her abdomen. Fred was so in awe of this rad ass little dude that he totally forgot that Ellen was bleed out her vag and stomach and sat there looking into young Jerry's eyes as she bled to death. On that day, a bond was formed between the two that could never be broken. Fred knew that the death of Jerry's mother would only serve to fuel the desire that he saw in the infant's eyes so he promptly took her corpse and ground it up into a puree that he fed Jerry for the first 3 months of his life. Fred decided to raise this bastard child as his own and gave him the greatest gift he could think of: His last name. A legend was born, quite literally.

LEARNING THE DEADLY ARTS

Fred was something of a legend in and around the Boardman area. He was a self proclaimed "Bad Ass Mother Fucker" and taught himself Kung Fu by repeatedly viewings of Bruce Lee movies and readings of Black Belt magazine. He stood roughly 6'3 (6'8 if you count his flat top mullet). He was famous for his propensity to walk into bars and spin kick the fuck out of the biggest man he could find. He owned the trailer park in which he lived and worked in by beating the shit out of every resident there until they handed the deed to their property over to him. He once stabbed a man with a toothpick for not covering his mouth while sneezing. No one looked Fred in the eye, much less spoke to him. That is what made his love for young Jerry all the more astonishing. His neighbors saw this rugged, grizzled man caring for a helpless baby and assumed he was a changed man, so they showed up at his front door baring gifts. They were wrong, and Fred slaughtered them all. He still kept the gifts. By the time Jerry was 3 months old he had mastered walking. By 6 months he was running two miles a day. By the time his first birthday came around Jerry had obtained a blue belt in Kung Fu under Fred. Jerry took to Kung Fu like a Mexican to stealing or a Samoan to eating. Or like a Mexican/Samoan to eating stolen food. At the age of 6 Jerry was banned from public schools for spin kicking the fuck out of the entire staff and faculty. Fred decided that his son was too goddamned RAW for pussy ass school so he decided it was time for Jerry to take his show on the road. They traveled from town to town, fighting all along the way. Fred would walk into local watering holes and say that he had a kid outside who could whip the shit out of any grown man and that he was willing to wager $1,000 to prove it. Hundreds of men would jump for this chance. All of them would get knocked the fuck out by little ass Jerry. The money was rolling in. But, as life is known to do, fucked up shit was on the horizon for Fred.

A MENTOR, SLAIN

Jerry Flynn was now a 13 year old boy. He was nearly as tall as his father, and had even managed to successfully impregnate 17 women, although he managed to abort each of these unwanted fetuses via either spin kick or uppercut. One night Fred told Jerry one night that he was going out to get a pack of smokes. Fred walked out the door, not knowing that this would be the last time that he would speak to his son. Fred had recently made his way onto a local motorcycle gang's shit list by fucking all of their old ladies in a single, glorious night. They managed to corner Fred in a junkyard as all 126 members of "The Black Widows" surrounded him. Cholla, the leader of the gang approached Fred and said "Fred Flynn, this is your day of reckoning" and at his command the entire gang attacked Fred. What happened next is still not entirely certain, although this much is known: Fred managed to kill 60 of the Black Widows before he was somehow stabbed in the heart by an antennae from a 65 Dodge Duster. 13 miles away, a sleeping Jerry jumped out of bed as the life left his father's body and hopped onto his Huffy and sped to the scene of Fred's death. Jerry saw the remaining 66 members of the Black Widows standing around his father's body and did something he had never done before: He shed a tear. And then he cracked the skulls of all of the bikers and avenged his father's death. He then wrapped up Fred's body in linen and set it on fire as a way of sending his spirit into the universe. Not like a Jedi funeral, because Jedi are huge faggots. For the first time ever, Jerry was all alone.
ONE MAN VS THE WORLD

Jerry never realized how much he relied on his father until he was gone. Fred paid the bills. Fred cooked the meals. Most importantly, Fred lined up all the fights. There was only one thing Fred could do: Go pro. There was one tiny problem: MMA hadn't been invented yet. So, Jerry invented it. On July 18th, 1976 Jerry hosted the very first MMA card in the backyard of some chick he was fucking. 165 people paid $200 each to sit on the grass and watch as Jerry beat the fuck out of 7 guys in a row. After doing this and not so much as breaking a sweat he decided that the fans hadn't gotten their monies worth so he then fought all 7 of those guys at the same time and knocked all of them out in different manners. The card was a huge success and before Jerry knew it he was running sold out shows in junior college gyms all up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Jerry was making shit loads of money and fucking all sorts of bitches. Life was good. Then, one day a tiny ass Brazilian showed up to his front door and told Jerry that if he had any balls at all he would go to Brazil and fight him. Jerry had no clue who this Gandhi looking fuck head was, but he wasn't no bitch so he told him he would be there. The man left his business card and walked away. The card read "Helio Gracie, BJJ Stud/ Watermelon Juice Exporter". Jerry had just taken his first step into a much larger universe.

LIGHTNING FOOT IS BORN

Jerry Flynn was met at the airport by Helio Gracie himself. Flynn stepped into Gracie's limo and the two said nothing as they drove to the Gracie family compound. When they arrived he was quickly ushered into the Gracie family courtyard where TV cameras and a crowd of around 3,000 people had assembled. Jerry was shown to his dressing room where he put on his kickboxing pants and rubbed a fresh coat of gel into his flat top. He emerged from the dressing room and saw the diminutive Gracie kneeling with his back to him, draped in a black gi. Jerry laughed at the sight and asked the old man how he intended to fight in his pajamas. Helio responded by slapping the young Jerry across the mouth. The fight was on! For 5 hours the two danced around, trying to get a feel for the other. No one in attendance was bored in the least. Finally, Jerry attempted a roundhouse kick which Helio caught and quickly managed to take Jerry down to mat. This was uncharted territory for Flynn. No one had ever tried to make him fight off of his back before. Before Jerry knew it he was being smothered by Helio's gi as the Brazilian worked on various submissions. Jerry managed to eventually power out and got back to his feet. Now he was pissed. He charged Helio and threw about 3o kicks and punches in the blink of an eye. All of them landed and Helio was in trouble. Jerry was intrigued by the submission holds that Gracie had tried to use on him and decided to try one himself. He applied an armbar and snapped Helio's arm like it was a dang old chicken bone. The stubborn old fuck refused to submit so Jerry did the same thing to his other arm with the same result. At this point Helio's young son Royce freaked the fuck out and threw in the towel. This enraged both Helio and Jerry, and Jerry walked up to Royce and spin kicked him so hard that Royce shit his gi. Helio, both of his arms hanging and soon to be amputated, smiled at Jerry and said. "You, Mr. Flynn, you have quick feet. Feet like... LIGHTNING. You are LIGHTNING FOOT." Jerry bowed to his vanquished foe and caught a ride back to airport. He returned to the US and went back to work, waiting for his next challenge.

AN UNLIKELY ADVERSARY

Jerry was never a fan of pro wrestling. To him it was little more than "a bunch of sissified faggot shit for faggots", and in many ways he was right. He never took pro wrestlers seriously, so the day a muscular, bald Jew showed up at his door he didn't so much as bat an eye. The man's name was Bill Goldberg and he was bound and determined to show the world that pro wrestling was the strongest fighting style. He had trained in grappling with enormous dick wad and rumored kid fucker Alonzo Spellman and considered himself to be a tough guy. At first Lightning Foot refused to engage the fake fighter, knowing full well that it was a no-win situation for him. If he won, all he managed to do was beat up some fruit in trunks. If he lost, well, that wasn't really part of the equation. So he sat silently, building a hard-as-fuck ship in a bottle as Goldberg continued to disparage him and Kung Fu. All of Goldberg's insults bounced off of Flynn until Goldberg uttered the words "Your daddy was a pussy". Lightning Foot felt electricity surge through his body and grabbed his dope ass ship in a bottle and busted it over Goldberg's head, which was a shame because this thing was fucking TITS. I'm not sure how they grade the difficulty of ship in a bottle building, but on a 1-10 scale this shit was like a 37, at the least. He told Goldberg that he accepted his challenge but demanded that the bout be fought under HIS rules and that the fight take place in... THE BLOCK. Goldberg had no clue what Flynn's rules were or even what the block was. If he did his kike ass would have GTFOed while he still had a chance. Stupid asshole.

HATE CRIME LEVEL ASS BEATING

Promoter Don King jumped all over the chance to promote this super fight like a bum on a baloney sandwich. As the fight grew closer and closer King set up a press conference where Flynn would tell the world what his stipulations for the match were, and more importantly, what "The Block" was. The morning of the press conference Flynn put on his father's best suit, ran some LA Looks through his hair and stepped onto the stage to look Goldberg in the eye. He told a packed crowd that his rules for the match were simple: There were no rules and the only way to stop the fight was by DEATH. The crowd was shocked. In-ring fatalities may have been the norm in Japan, Mexico and other shit hole countries inhabited by savage fucks, but the US was considered too high brow for that kind of barbarism. Flynn made it clear that this bout was too intense to take place on American soil, so he managed to clear the way for it take place on the deck of a US Navy aircraft carrier in international waters. Turns out President Bill Clinton was a huge Lightning Foot mark and made sure all the red tape was cleared. Then, Flynn described in great detail what "THE BLOCK" was. "THE BLOCK" was an iron octagon with one door that would be locked from the outside. Inside "THE BLOCK" the two men would be locked up. Only one man would emerge victorious. A hushed silence fell over the crowd and Goldberg's cocky smirk now gave way to a look of genuine fear. He had demanded this fight, and now it had become something he had not expected. His doom was sealed. Ever the showman, Goldberg put on a brave face and left the press conference promising that he would deliver a "Hate crime level ass beating". These were hollow words, and Goldberg himself knew that.

THE DEATH OF A LOUD MOUTHED JEW

As the fight approached Goldberg became more and more desperate. He attempted to pull out of the fight, only to have Don King's army of well paid lawyers inform him that doing so would give Flynn free reign to murder his Goldberg's entire family. He tried to get out of the fight by faking an injury, only to have a team of medical experts deem him fit to compete. He became increasingly suicidal and was eventually placed in protective custody on suicide watch. As the day of the fight arrived Goldberg had resigned himself to his fate.

The fight itself went off pretty much as expected. Goldberg came out to his fruity ass pyrotechnic enhanced fake wrestler garbage entrance while Flynn walked out to nothing but the sound of silence and his own footsteps on the metallic deck of the aircraft carrier. The two men were locked in the cage, Goldberg came running at Flynn, Flynn jumping spin kicked Goldberg in the face, mounted his fallen body and punched the ever loving shit out of him until all life left his body. As Goldberg lay dying Flynn leaned over and whispered into his ear "My father was NOT a pussy, and now you know that. Say hi to him when you get to Heaven. You'll know who he is, he'll be the dude kicking the shit out of you for all eternity. Bye bye, asshole." Flynn then applied a rear naked choke and sent Goldberg off to Valhalla. With Goldberg dead the referee opened the door to cage. As Flynn made his way out of "THE BLOCK" the stunned servicemen (no women) slowly began clapping until all of them were cheering their asses off. The fight was a huge success and received over 30,000,000 PPV buys. Jerry Flynn was at the peak of the mountain, and now it was time to come back down.

THIS IS THE END, MY ONLY FRIEND

Addressing the servicemen and PPV audience he announced his retirement from combat sports. He now had inner peace and had no further desire to maim and murder. He also announced that he was opening his own Kung Fu academy in his hometown of Boardman, NC. To this day you can walk through the streets of downtown and hear the terrified screams of his teenage students, and, if you're lucky, the snapping of an arm or two. Flynn still lives in his mother's trailer, although he now has cable TV so he can watch "The Wire". When I informed him that "The Wire" was over he chuckled and said "Oh yeah?" and then picked up his phone. Two days later I read in Variety that HBO was filming new episodes of "The Wire" in a furious dash due to "popular demand". Coincidence? I think not!

Hacksaw is Wrestling at My House.

So I am moving to Brooklyn tomorrow afternoon. I have a job and I have no more time to play grabass on the internet with wrestling fruits. I don't know how often I wil be posting here from here on out, but this is my last hurrah, if you weel.

It turns out Hacksaw Jim Duggan was literally wrestling around the corner on my last night in this bullshit town, so I decided to go alone, because it was better than...being alone...I guess.

I have hangups with life, so I don't like going to public social events alone as I feel everyone is staring at me and making fun of me for being a lonely man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not socially retarded or anything, but being alone in these types of situations BUGS ME OUT. I warmed up earlier in the day by going to a Japanese restaurant all alone and ordering a perfectly cooked Chicken Katsu plate. After that, I had enough confidence to attend a scrubby wrestling event by myself.

The wrestling league or whatever was called POWER & GLORY WRESTLING. I guess they run locally in CT and they have their own little thing going on. I showed up fashionably late, because that's how you do things. Unfortunately, it wasn't late enough as I sat there for a half hour waiting. I also expected like 50 people to be there but the place was fucking PACKED. I don't know how many people, but definitely more people than will be at the next 5 IWA-MS shows combined. It was the most people I have seen at scrub wrestling in my life.

SO I am sitting there, and starting to freak a little because I am alone in a room with 400 white trash. Given the town I'm in, I fully expected the audience to be blacks and puerto ricans, which I can handle, but that much white trash gives me the panics. Oh, i was also DUMB high, which wasn't helping. Then, these three dudes sit next to me. They were all very chunky. I will go over their outfits:

Guy #1: Fat, tye dye Superman T Shirt, tucked into jeans, gut hanging over belt, bobo sneakers.
Guy #2: Fat, Bald, wearing a generic And 1 Basketball jersey Nothing underneath. t's def. not B0Ball jersey season, and it's NEVER Bball jersey season for fat bald white dudes), baggy jeans, and icy white And 1 kicks.
Guy #3: Fat, Urlacher Jersey, baseball cap, BLACK Jeans, those non slip black shoes you have to wear when you work in a kitchen.

Oh, and they were all wearing glasses. I would later find out that these dudes were INSIDERZ, but more on that later. At this point, I regret going to such a white trash function and I get the panics, but I calm myself down so it's all good.

The first thing was like Raw, where the main heel team comes out, which are a bunch of dudes who are like DX, and the leader looks like John Morrison. One of the guys is doing a fat gay aerobics gimmick and his name is Richard Seaman's. He's the best dude.

SO then after a bunch of yammering motherfucking RON ZOMBIE comes to clean house and the crowd goes APESHIT. Ron Zombie is a dude who has been on every single local wrestling card since I was in high school. He looks like if Cactus Jack was into Rob Zombie. he crowd is going APESHIT because he's southern CT's real life RANDY THE RAM except Ron has never been famous anywhere but southern CT.

Oh, so I forgot to mention MOTHERFUCKING OX BAKER was there. Not wrestling obviously, he's like 150 years old. he was just selling shit. He has this crazy loud booming voice and he was just kind of blabbing away doing crazy old man talk to no one in particular, but then he starts DISRESPECTING THE BIZ during the matches! During this Ron Zombie bullshit, Ox Baker legit tries to start a BORING chant, and I'm like FUCK YEAH OX BAKER! but I don't say that out loud because that wold be weird, so I just think it real hard.

Meanwhile, I find out these fat dorks next to me are INSIDERS because they start talking about "bumps" and "workers" and "stiff shots" and I start to puke a little. At least they didn't smell bad. I really wanted to turn to them and say, "Excuse me, do you know who the fuck I am? I am Contributor IV from the internet's most popular wrestling blog www.6394blog.com, Why don't you show some respect", but I didn't do that because that would have been queer.

Ok so that match was over. whatever, you guys don't care. Then the ring announcer comes in and he's like "there are refreshments in the back and also wrestling legend OX BAKER is in back signing autographs" and some older puerto rican dude a couple rows in front of me stands up, turns around and points to Ox and screams OX BAKER BABY!! and I'm like FUCK YEAH OLD PUERTO RICAN GUY YOU RULE, but again I don't say that out loud.

So then during another match the insiders are still blabbing about bumps and ROH and GABE and i'm puking, and then Ox Baker starts yelling at the referee for counting too slow and I start to wonder if Ox Baker is drunk, and how I could use a beer too, which is when I find out there are no beers at this event which becomes a nagging concern since I would have easily bought ten beers.

Ok, then at some other point, the ring announcer makes an announcement saying there is a special guest in the audience, as if like, Lawrence Taylor or Kirk Cameron is there, but it's just some local magician guy and Ox Baker yells WHO GIVES A SHIT at him, and I lose it again.

SO another match I will highlight: Some black guy comes out, sorry, I don't know his name, but he was supposed to be the bad guy, but his little mixed color children were in the audience in front of me holding up a sign for him and it was so touching. I cried a little. Then the next guy out was another black guy names THE PARK CITY GANGSTA, and THE PARK CITY is my old hood where I grew up and shit, so I was torn as to who to root for. The touching family man or the dude who was representing the B.P.T. It doesn't matter because the insiders started critiquing these dudes outfits and it was HILARIOUS. All wondering how much they spent on their ring gear. Oh, and then the dude in the basketball jersey started thinking out loud about what kind of promos he would cut in the ring which became a recurring theme during every match. THEN all of these dudes started talking about playing D&D, and I LOST MY SHIT. Like, I had to put my face in my hand because I couldn't keep it cool AT ALL.

So there were some matches, blah blah, and then an intermission so I go to buy an Ox Baker T Shirt because the dude is so awesome, and he was so fucking PUMPED someone was buying his T shirt because no one else gave a shit about him. Right after that he bounced though so I knew I wasn't gonna be getting more drunken commentary. Oh, I think he called a girl a bitch too! He might have said midget though! It was hard to decipher through the moustache.

So after the intermission the dork gang comes back and one of them now smells like cheap bathroom soap and bad breath, and I don't know how much more I can take with no beer being sold. THEN they start talking about some guy, and one of them says that Dave Prazak is a metrosexual, which was baffling. Dave Prazak looks like a lot of things, but metrosexual is not one of those things EVER. They were also saying how all of the wrestlers girlfriends were fat but these dudes mos. def. never saw a real vagina EVER.

Ok time for the MAIN EVENT. Hacksaw vs. the fake DX dude. For some reaosn I forgot Hacksaw's gimmick was being a lumbering retard. He started like 40000 USA chants. He was also wearing old school swim trunks as ring gear. No joke. So I guess it was the best match a 60 year old man can have with some scrub you never heard of.

All in all, I enjoyed myself. I wish there was beer. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle going to ROH by myself in June though (that was a plan of mine). Thanks for reading. Die slow, bloodsuckers.

Review of PURO Match

Hey guys, I was at the DVDVR board the other day and went mad downloading some PURO matches. I found this little gem hidden deep in the cavities of the board and decided to share.

Shin Nihon Puro Resuinga~! Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Tamaoki Honma

Honma is a boy who became a man through pain and blood loss, with his blood and sweat leading him to where the big boys play; Shin Nihon Puroresu! Shinsuke Nakamura is the hot young star that New Japan has been looking for, praying for and hoping to find for years now. Unlike the greased and underwear clad Honma who hides nothing, including those intriguing scars, Nakamura is a bit more of a showman, wearing a red satin robe to the ring before stripping down to unveil his milky yellow body.

Homna, clearly the better oiled of the two plays the domme early on as he lays into Shinsuke with his leather, right into some breathplay as he uses his shiny leather boot on Nakamura's throat. Nakamura tries to fight back a bit, but Honma puts him in his place slamming him nice and hard a few times. Nakamura after a little bit more grinding decides that he can play rough too. He quickly has Honma down on all fours and begins to really give it to him before letting him up only to punish him with a few knees for his disobedience. It was all foreplay for him until he quickly mounted him from behind and wrapped his arm around Honma's throat, choking him until he was ready to explode like a twelve year old altar boy. Just as it was getting really rough Honma reached out and with an exasperated gasp grabbed out for the safety, unable to mutter the safeword.

Nakamura is displeased with his submissive's lack of dedication and relents, only to kick him a few times for the embarrassment he brought upon both of them. Honma is no longer willing to play nice as he begins to fight back, which is only whetting Nakamura's appetite more right now. Honma continues to throw Nakamura around a bit before placing his heaving chest on Nakamura's, pinning him down while the referee pounds out twice before Nakamura comes to his senses. After Honma attempts to punish him some more, Nakamura quickly gets him with a reach-around, Honma unsure of how to react finds himself face down on the mat again with Nakamura on top of him. Nakamura is sick of playing around with him, as he hoists him up onto his milky shoulders, Honma's oil dripping down his chest, and slamming him as hard as he can, before sitting on Honma's battered face and hoisting up his legs as the referee pounds Honma out.

After the encounter, there is a feigned handshake before a gang of men come out and begin to pound away on the defenseless Honma. One thing is for sure, his ass will be sore in the morning after the boys in the back are done with him!

Impact minus the first hour!

Haha ol' Andrew... what WON'T I do? Well this time, what I won't do is be home in time to see the first hour of impact. So let's pretend, for the sake of all involved, that this is only an hour show. Yay!
Motor City Machine Guns are convinced Christopher Daniels AKA DANIELS is Suicide! And he says he isn't! And then he beats them up!
Mick Foley fails to recruit Samoa Joe to help him, I dunno. Whatever. The commercial for Transformers 2 came on and it was reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll awesome. That will be the best movie ever, even better than Transformers 1! I'm gonna drink 6 Pepsis and see it twice!
So then the best run of match to segment ever happened as Cody Deaner my main mans wrestled Abyss. He hit Abyss with a bunch of weapons and Abyss bled a little bit, then he was just like GRAAAAAAAARGH and crushed Cody Deaner which was sad but still awesome. Then, because TNA loves me all of a sudden, dear, confused little Lauren interviewed Daffney and it was awesome because Daffney is crazy and they both love Abyss.
Oh you know what? I didn't pay attention to any of the rest. I'm sorry guys. There was something with Samoa Joe being a bad friend and then Mick Foley did something and a sleazy guy hit him and Kurt Angle and there we go.
Who cares, you know.