6-3-94

Daniel Bryan attempts to murder co-worker, promptly terminated

2010-06-12T21:27:00.002-04:00

What was supposed to be the biggest break in the career of Daniel Bryan (shoot name: Daniel Bryan) might very well end being its death knell. Bryan was part of the NWO-esque beat down angle shot at the end of Raw last week in which he and his fellow NXT rookies destroyed John Cena, CM Punk, Jerry Lawler and a bunch of other, less important people. During the segment, Bryan and his shirtless cohorts demolished the ring and announcing table and raised all hell. This was designed to trick the viewers into thinking they were legit pro wres fighters and not a bunch of shitty dudes no one will ever like. National exposure and TV time should have been enough for Mr. Bryan. It wasn't. During the hubbub he decided to choke untrained ring announcer Justin Roberts with his tie. The WWE, ever the beacon of light and purity, fired him for it. In a sport built on faking fights there is no place for those sort of shenanigans, and firing Mr. Bryan was completely justified. A known proponent of the barbaric MMA and "strong-style" form of pro wrestling that claimed the life of Christopher Benoit and Misawa-san (R.I.P.), Mr. Bryan is known for his brutality both in and outside of the ring. He deserves to be fired, and in the opinion of this journalist, arrested. Perhaps this will be the wake up call Mr. Bryan is clearly in need of.

NXT Season 1 Cast Kills John Cena, Cements Place as New Spirit Squad

2010-06-07T23:52:00.003-04:00

The NXT rookies beat the shit out of John Cena, Jerry Lawler, CM Punk, Matt Stryker, Michael Cole and destroyed the ring and Monday Night Raw set, establishing the 8 man crew as the #1 babyface in the company. The show ended with Cena being stretchered out and giving a reassuring "thumbs up" to all the 12 year old kids whose parents buy his shitty merchandise, and within moments of the rookies making it backstage HHH called for a closed door locker room meeting. We have received numerous reports of him throwing chairs and berating the new comers for "going into business for themselves" and claimed none of them "loved the biz". David Herbert Meltzer is reporting that the NXT crew is going to be humiliated and rebranded with embarrassing gimmicks. In order to meet the demand for more shitty gimmicks, the WWE has hired 2 dozen failed sitcom writers. More on this as the story develops.

WE BACK, NIGGAAAAAAAAAAAA

2010-06-06T00:57:00.003-04:00

Tell yo momma, cuz shit is 'bout to get REAL.

:BONG:

2009-07-20T19:33:00.001-04:00

RIP 6-3-94: LONG LIVE RING PSYCHOLOGY

2009-07-20T18:39:00.002-04:00

It's over almost as quickly as it began. We knew deep in our hearts there was no way this much pro-wres journalism talent could be housed under one flimsy blogspot blog. Two weeks ago 6394 was made an offer it couldn't say no to and now all the straight acting bros of 6394 can be found over at RING PSYCHOLOGY while the other scrub ass dudes were sent packing.

Please join the 6394 gang (along with a few dudes who are hella serious about their grapz sports) over at RING PSYCHOLOGY. THE ONE TRUE BLOG FOR NEWS AND OPINIONZ4U ON HALF NAKED MEN FAKE FIGHTING AND ALSO HALF NAKED MEN FOR REAL FIGHTING (AKA MMA). ONE LOVE BOH BOH BOH.

RING PSYCHOLOGY

B. Brian Blair gets all Benoit on his sons.

2009-06-25T20:18:00.003-04:00

Dave "Herb" Meltzer reports that former Killer Bee, B. Brian Blair got drunk & tried to murderlize his sons last weekend:

"Brian Blair, 52, spent Father’s Day in jail in Hillsborough County after a domestic dispute when he was arrested on charges that he punched both of his sons early in the morning....blah blah blah....The report said that Blair pushed his 17-year-old son Brett in the chest. According to the report, when his son tried to walk away, Brian punched him in the face with a closed fist, leaving a red mark that caused swelling, and then put him in a choke hold. Police deputies then said Blair let go of Brett and grabbed his 12-year-old son, Bradley, by the throat, and punched him on the top of his head, leaving a lump. When deputies arrived, they saw the bruising of both sons faces and they both said it was their father who did it."

Since this was so close to the two year anniversary of Benoit himself Benoiting his family, there's no word on whether or not this was some sort of weird tribute to the greatest Canadian grappler in pro wres history or if it was some kind of crazy coincidence...or just drunken horseplay. "Jumpin'" Jim Brunzell could not be reached, but I'm guessing he got some texts that night containing Blair's physical address.

Rest In Peace: Dusty Rhodes

2009-06-20T03:12:00.003-04:00

Dusty Rhodes, a big-bellied, jive-talking heavyweight who was at his best on wrestling's biggest stage, died of cardiopulmonary arrest (aka Heart Punch) Wednesday at a Las Vegas hospital. He was old.
Rhodes, whose jive-talking promos was tailor-made for the racist south like Florida, never weighed less than 244 lbs. during seven major-level title reigns and had a career average of .253 elbow fortitude (due to calcium deposits from drinking unflourided waters from his plumber father's belief systems).
But in his first World title reign, in like the '80s, he delivered a reverse figure-four like right before the time limit, to turn the tide, and win a championship by beating the way more awesome and way more stylish and way less fat Ric "A Nature Boy" Flair.
Rhodes also won the title again a couple times, and maybe even before that with Harley Race, but fuck looking gay assed shit like that up. His multiple NWA World title reigns were the only ones by a huge fucking fat ass who talked funny ever.
Although the NWA World title is best remembered for "Whoo!" Ric Flair's great running catch phrase that he beat to death and now is on lottery tickets in North Carolina, it was Rhodes sequined Rollo-style hats (like Rollo on Sanford & Son) that proved to be most memorable. Yet, somehow the world is a faggot, and Rhodes got sent to the WWWF, where he wore polka dots with an ugly nigger bitch who couldn't sing like Sharon Jones.
The WWWF tried, but no other woman wanted Rhodes.
"I decided Rhodes couldn't wrestle or be original and I decided fuck it, let's make him a joke," the coked-up Vince McMahon, a Hall of Fame business-type dude who made the Forbes 500 list once, said after Rhodes' Pokadelick Adventure came to an end. "Get rid of him. He can't do nothing. He convinced me how wrong I was, like eventually, especially when I got his only son to dress up like some weirdo faggot and split up with his slut wife, who sucked my dick. But to be fair, she probably sucked Dusty's too."
But the WWWF wasn't Rhodes only brush with wrestling history. In Florida back in the day, he wrestled 300 men in one month.
The '82 year was his best; he had a career-high .341 bionic elbow index with 15 Florida title reigns and 50 World title shots in only 264 days of working.
In his autobiography, "Everybody Has a Price," McMahon called the buffet-loving Rhodes "the worst wrestler who ever wrestled in a Wrestlemania." But he also wrote that Rhodes' personality kept the locker room "confident and happy."
"He was a lovable guy. He was a party guy. He was just a good old boy," Kareem Muhammad, a cousin of Rhodes' wife, Gloria, said Thursday. "Did he live a hard life? Did he go out at night? Yes. But he was a good man. He was a Southern gentleman."
Virgil Runnels Rhodes was born on May 13, 1947, in Mathews, Ala., and grew up "dirt poor," according to Muhammad.
He joined the Navy shortly after his 19th birthday, seeing action on a warship in the jungle during the Vietnam conflict, then signed his first wrestling contract with Tennessee Championship Wrestling in 1968.
But he spent his entire most well-known time with the WWWF, where kids knew him as the funny fat dude in polka dots with that weird bump on his belly.
A product of the segregationist South who wrestled his first professional match the year that Abdullah the Butcher became the first African American wrestler to poke forks in white dudes, Rhodes was "color blind," former fellow boy in the back Ron Bass said.
"He was like a brother to all the black players, you know, like brutha," Bass told this bloggot. "He sure did like the good life, though, which would drive promoters crazy."
After his wrestling career ended, Rhodes returned to New York, where he worked doing all that bullshit that old wrestlers behind the scenes do to justify keep getting a paycheck even though they don't do shit anymore in a real sense. Road agents there wore their fanny packs at half mast in his memory Thursday, his family said.
Rhodes retired to Boca Raton, Fla., then to Henderson, Nev., with Gloria, his wife of 30 years.
"He loved wrestling. He loved his kids. He loved his wife," Muhammad said. "I don't know in what order. But he was a funny guy. He would tell you a story and you'd fall on the floor. And then he'd elbow drop you, except his elbow would miss and his belly stank and shaven armpit would wrap around your face."
Over the last two years, Rhodes battled heart problems, the diabeetus and emphysema (hence the wheezing), which resulted in frequent visits to hospital emergency rooms, Muhammad said.
He was on his way to a regular medical check-up when he bumped into Ox Baker at a sandwich shop and went into cardiopulmonary arrest, dying a few hours later at Valley Hospital Medical Center in Las Vegas, according to a spokeswoman for the Clark County coroner's office.
In addition to his wife, Rhodes' survivors include three children from a previous marriage; a sister (who once had ink thrown in her eyes); and 11 mostly illegitimate grandchildren.
A memorial service will be held Sunday at the David Funeral Home in Las Vegas, to be followed by a funeral and military burial Monday.

Breaking News: Japanese Fake Fighter SHOOK

2009-06-19T08:11:00.003-04:00

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Akitoshi Saito, the puro fake fighter who executed the famed the "Straw that Broke the Camel's Back" suplex is absolutely butt-shook over being the guy who finally pushed over the pro wres equivalent of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. From the new Observer:

The most vivid scene of the night was Saito, 43, who had to be talked out of announcing his retirement that day, getting on his hands and knees to a large framed photo of Misawa, crying and being apologetic. It was actually at that point when fans realized that Misawa died directly related to the move, as opposed to the possibility it was a heart attack suffered in the heat of battle.

We at 6-3-94, while still acknowledging the sheer faggotry of such a moment, would like to absolve Saito of his guilt. Come on, dude, be real. Misawa's neck was to the point where, if it hadn't been you, it would have been the Teacup Ride at Disneyland Japan. The guy was pretty much a Pez dispenser, and you should definitely not blame yourself. And if you absolutely need to apologize, don't fucking cry like a gay bitch (TM Benoit) in front of the last good photo Misawa had done at Glamourshots. WTF dude. Ox Baker killed a man with the heart punch and made a career off of it. Surely you can parlay this into something instead of contemplating retirement and weeping, Emily Dickinson.

I decided to watch TNA for some reason

2009-06-19T00:04:00.004-04:00

The show opens with Mick Foley, followed by a clown, some large beaner looking dude and one of the Hebners (since we never really can tell which one is which on a count of them being TWINS). Mick then up and invites a bunch of people to the ring. Mick is wearing a leopard print shirt that looks as if it were cut out of the side of a thrift store couch. Jeff Jarrett comes out and looks none to pleased at Mick. Apparently AJ Styles is a champion of some sorts? The Legends Champ? Hmmm. Samoa Joe comes out wearing a shirt over his shoulders as opposed to his using it to cover his man tits. Mick announces the main event which happens to be a like 8 man cluster fuck and Samoa Joe punches him.

Raven is in the back with Daffney and some Stevie Richards looking dude. Is that Stevie Richards? No clue. Raven says he's going to have one of his Dr. Strangelove matches with some dude named Jethro. Color me intrigued! Raven seems to be back into fat Jim Morrison mode, which at this point is the only acceptable Raven.

Apparently Target outsourced his ass, so Shane Douglas has been attacking Daniels. Now we get DANIELS vs Amazing Red. Red is doing the STIFF LEG KICK offense that looks cool when it's not being done by a ginger midget. Red kicks Daniels in the face like a thousand times. Daniels responds like any normally sized man would respond to a child kicking him: He no sells it. Daniels wins somehow and then FRANCHISE SHANE DOUGLAS pops up on the Russotron and demands a second chance and accepts Daniels challenge! Apparently only one of them will have a job after that match! DRAMA!

Random shit backstage with some blonde ho, a large negress and some middle eastern looking chick. w/e

Matthew Morgan calls out Sting. He points out all the ways he's better than Sting, then says he didn't come out here to point out all the ways he's better than Sting. Counter productive, Matthew. Matthew says that he wants to gain respect and that Sting needs to give respect and then he challenges him to a match, I think? Sting then threatens to bite off Matthew's finger and accepts his challenge at Slamiversery and if Matthew wins he'll get Sting's spot in the Main Event Mafia. Whoa. Matthew tries to Pearl Harbor Sting and misses.

Jay Bee has Jeff Jarrett in the back. Jeff is ANGRY. Angry about MIC FOLEY. Apparently Mick is crazy and Jeffery is none too please about it!

Time for Raven's Full Metal Jacket match! OK, so Jethro= Trevor Murdoch and that really was Stevie. Jethro hits Raven with a trash can. The wall of weapons has a lot of cool shit and so Jethro grabs... a cookie sheet. Raven does the leg sweep into the guard rail spot, only much slower than usual. Raven grabs a chair and somehow ends up punching it. Jethro hits a knee to Raven and then kinda gently tosses him into the fence. Jethro dives into the cage which then falls to the ground so Raven gets the pin. Raven puts Jethro in the straight jacket and then the lobster A Chris comes out and Stevie, Raven and Daffney's tits decide to GTFO.

Dee Dubya is interviewing Samoa Joe and apparently Joe has been being ADVISED by someone. WHO CAN IT BE? TAZ? UMAGA? BETTY CROCKER? The possibilities are endless!

There is some babbling about some shit happening later and then some bitches say some bitchy stuff and then a commercial. Wait, iMPACT! is 2 hours now? When in the fuck did this happen? And Abyss talks now? WHAT IN THE FUCK!

So know there is a skank match that I have no interest in so I shall play mine sweeper in the mean time.

Team 3D are pissed off with Beer Money. And now we go to a commercial.

This Cody Deaner I've heard so much about appears to be a real hoot! Jay Lethal is still doing the Savage thing, so at least somethings in TNA never change. The Machine Guns are still kinda non threatening. Another commercial.

Beer Money and Team 3-D are having an adult oriented conversation about beer and money. James Storm made the fatal mistake of telling a black man to be his bitch. Negroes hate that shit. It's like the ultimate insult in their culture. I read that somewhere.

Jay Lethal and some Creed dude enter the ring and they look happy! They're going to be tagging with the Machine Guns who are the holders of some nip nong tag belts. Team 3-D and beer money brawl out to the ring. Daniels, I, uh, mean SUICIDE attacks the Guns. 3-D gets the win.

Joe and AJ are backstage and Joe PROMISES AJ that he has his back which leads me to believe that he does NOT have AJ's best interest in mind. Jesus Christ, this shit is long.

Gay Bee is talking to Mick Foley. Billy Gunn comes in and says something or rather. Dee Dubya and Tenay do the hard sell for the PPV. Now Gay Bee is talking to Kurt Angle. A 3 Doors Down Geico Caveman comercial airs, and honestly, it's kinda funny. Maybe it only seems funny compared to TNA.

Time for the main event 249233689832 man cluster fuck! This match is basically Joe, AJ, and a half dozen broken down guys. Angle reverses a Stroke into an ankle lock. Mick Foley decides to join the announce team, some other shit happens and then a commercial. Mick keeps shining Jeff on when he needs to make a tag. Is Jarrett a face? Jeff decks Foley. Joe hits the muscle buster on Angle and gets the win. Joe and AJ embrace! Joe really DID have AJ's back!

Fuck TNA so hard.

doot doot doot BREAKING STRONG STYLE NEWS

2009-06-15T07:55:00.003-04:00

David Herbert Meltzer Jr is reporting that the death of Mitsuharu Misawa was, according to police and hospital workers, most definitely caused by a spinal cord injury and not a heart attack as first reported.

Above: artist's rendering

First that kid in Florida is murdered via power bomb, then Daniel Benoit, and now this. Clearly, congress has to do something about the rash of Strong Style killings. In a related note, Doctor Death Steve Williams, inventor of the "Homicide Backdrop," was quoted as saying "daaaaaamn."

TOO TOUGH TO DIE (NOT REALLY THOUGH)

2009-06-14T00:09:00.004-04:00

Peace out homie. Thoughts AND prayers. Benoit finally has a worthy opponent in wrestler heaven now.

No justice in this world

2009-06-13T21:34:00.003-04:00

Misawa, the man who was the very essence of work rate, dies in the ring. Meanwhile, Tommy Dreamer not only continues to live but is now holding the 15th most important belt in the pro wrestling world. Someone stop the planet, I want off.

Gabe

2009-06-13T13:32:00.002-04:00

(At a the start of a ROH show Gabe makes a shocking return and slowly walks to the ring)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

"I'm only going to talk to you just for a minute or so this evening, because I have some -- some very sad news for all of you -- Could you lower those signs, please? -- I have some very sad news for all of you, and, I think, sad news for all of our fellow citizens, and people who love peace all over the world; and that is that Mitsuharu Misawa, one of the greatest pro wrestlers of all-time, was declared dead at 10:10 p.m. Saturday night at a hospital in Hiroshima from an apparent heart attack after being being given a back suplex in a tag team title match
Mitsuharu Misawa, dedicated his life to love and to justice between fellow human beings. He died in the cause of that effort. In this difficult day, in this difficult time for the world, it's perhaps well to ask what kind of a world we are and what direction we want to move in. For those of you who have fighting spirit -- considering the evidence evidently is that there were people with no fighting spirit" who were responsible -- you can be filled with bitterness, and with hatred, and a desire for revenge.

We can move in that direction as a IWC, in greater polarization -- fighting spirit people amongst fighting spirit, and sports entertainment amongst whites, filled with hatred toward one another. Or we can make an effort, as Mitsuharu Misawa, did, to understand, and to comprehend, and replace that violence with more workrate related violence, that stain of bloodshed that has spread across our land, with an effort to understand, compassion, and love.

For those of you who are puro nerds and are tempted to fill with -- be filled with hatred and mistrust of the injustice of such an act, against all people, I would only say that I can also feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a sports entertainment man.

But we have to make an effort in the Wrestling World. We have to make an effort to understand, to get beyond, or go beyond these rather difficult times.

My favorite poem, my -- my favorite poet was Aeschylus. And he once wrote:

Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget
falls drop by drop upon the heart,
until, in our own despair,
against our will,
comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God.

What we need in the IWC is not division; what we need in the IWC is not hatred; what we need in the IWC is not violence and lawlessness, but violence and lawlessness with that are more physiological

So I ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Mitsuharu Misawa, -- yeah, it's true -- but more importantly to say a prayer for our own IWC, which all of us love -- a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

We can do well in this IWC. We will have difficult times. We've had difficult times in the past, but we -- and we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; and it's not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of Puro people and the vast majority of sports entertainment people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings that abide in our land.

And let's dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world. Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and for our people.

Thank you very much."

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN TO ANNOUNCE NEW SPORTSCENTER ANCHORS

2009-05-29T23:59:00.001-04:00

Sources tell 6-3-94 that ESPN plans to unveil indy-wres money-mark (and cheeseburger enthusiast) Jim "Fanzo" Fannin and his main squeeze Stacy "Staxx" Wisslead as the next co-anchors of its flagship sports news show, Sportscenter.

The announcement, expected to be made official early in the week, has many industry insiders scratching their heads, as Fanzo's presence makes a collision between him and the network's resident fat asshole, Chris Berman, almost inevitable. About the likely competition with Berman, Fannin was heard to ramble on and on about Jimmy Jacobs and barbed wire baseball bats and New Jack, but honestly nobody cared to listen to that internet tough guy shit.

Fannin doesn't have much of a history in broadcasting (or in being employed, for that matter), but he has been the on-again/off-again voice of IWA Mid-South for years, basically sitting at the play-by-play table when the boys in the back run out of ribs to play on him. His commentary is recognizable for his endless anecdotes about "the old K-Mart building in Louisville" and getting roughed up by Bull Pain, but it remains to be seen if those familiar talking points (and references to his own personal money mark, Grandma Fannin) will be brought to the Sportscenter desk.

While Fanzo is likely to froth at the mouth about queers and foreigners, in between wistfully recalling the glory days of his two-burgers-a-day diet (never forget) and arguing for Ron Santo's inclusion in Cooperstown, Staxx' role on the program is less clear, but most speculate it will include a lot of smiling, shutting the fuck up, and silently wondering where it all went wrong.

Though the pair's start date is still up in the air, it's expected to come soon enough that Ian can use Fanzo's first paycheck to run the first annual Playboy Buddy Rose Memorial Fat Fuck Death Tournament, in which Fanzo is a rumored participant.

Impact why have you come to haunt me

2009-05-29T00:10:00.002-04:00

So for whatever reason I'm gonna maybe watch Impact here and review it.
Impact for once starts with a wrestling match! The Amazing Red used to wear stuff that was like Hot Topic clearance shelf items and now he wears real wrestling stuff but he's also about as tall as US Olympian Shawn Johnson and so no one is impressed. Suicide beats the Amazing Red in an amazing fashion. Amazing!
Sssssssssssssssssting is the new king of the world and he fires the chicks which is awesome. Everyone fire a chick right now.
Oh you know what? No.

Another Impact Review

2009-05-22T00:20:00.002-04:00

Mike and I thought it would be cool if we both reviewed Impact because we're the dumbest guys in the world.
I missed the opening segment because I was eating dinner. Anyway there's this triple threat tag team match which is weird because the team of The Black Guys gets no offense or even uhhh... defense or whatever in this match. The Pop Punk Dudes beat on Christopher Daniels for a while and I was watching Rachel Maddow earlier and there was footage of the White Knight Riots when Harvey Milk's assassin only got manslaughter and Daniels looks exactly like those rioting gay men of 30 years ago. RIP Harvey. Suicide wins and that makes Daniels mad for some reason but then Suicide uses his magic to DISAPPEAR!
Kurt Angle petitions an empty sky~
Sting talks about how he wrestles because it speaks to his soul or some shit. Blah blah blah Jesus fag blah blah.
Then the awesomest thing which is Booker T and Kevin Nash practicing in the ring! So they're just kicking each other and then periodically they're like YEAH SUCKERS! or whatever. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen on TNA and literally everything in TNA is really weird.
Uh.. Huh. So the Dudleys are out and are like WE LOVE TAG TEAM WRESTLING! (Idea for D'von heel turn: "I have ALWAYS hated tag team wrestling!") So they're saying some shit when the British guys come out and I've never seen them before but one of them is sort of fat and small, one is pretty normal for a wrestler, and one is fairly gigantic. That's a good stable. I thought one of them was supposed to be a gladiator but apparently not. Anyway they beat up the Dudley Boyz until Beer Money comes out. I remember when Beer Money was fake friends with the Dudley Boyz and then it turned out to ALL BE A LIE! But apparently this time it's FOR REAL!
Eric Young gets yelled at for being a damn idiot.
Then Eric Young has to wrestle Sting and he's sort of like "uuhhhhhhh" or whatever. He takes some Ric Flair style bumps and then decides to kill himself a little bit flying over the top rope to the outside and then gets put in the sharpshooter thing for the tap. He looks decidedly butthurt as the camera cuts to the skinny blond chick that's the champ. She is WALKING!
So Jim Cornette presides over the contract signing between the blond chick and good old Awesome Kong. The blond chick cuts a pretty awesome promo but her alleged high class lifestyle is betrayed by her extreme white trash tattoos. Awesome Kong is so mad about whatever the hell that she kills REFEREE RUDY CHARLES who looks like a pudgy little baby.
The concerned blond chick and Abyss are at Doctor Stevie's office. Apparently Doctor Stevie is a real ass doctor since he has an office. The blond chick (the concerned one) tells Abyss that sorority sisters are a bond that can never be broken. I have no fucking clue what that was about but I loved it. The concerned blond chick is really coming into her own. This is my favorite thing TNA has done ever/
I think AJ Styles is saying something but I'm in the other room right now because I'm checking my facebook. Facebook rules. Does AJ Styles have a facebook? Let's find out.
He doesn't waaah.
Then a commercial airs for www.grandprixwrestling.com which is apparently a wrestling group that is around my area! And they are accepting trainees! Maybe I should forget about this judo rigmarole and get in on the fake fighting train. I am very excited about this. For too long this shitty nowhere town I live in has been bereft of indie wres.
Matt Morgan is going to wrestle Kurt Angle and he's so much stronger! So much bigger! Commercial! Kurt Angle wins but it's a hard fought match and he has earned new respect for this big ass idiot.
The concerned chick remains powerful concerned, this time for Jeff Jarrett because he has to fight Samoa Joe who is just a big fat emo murderer these days.
Samoa Joe beats up Jeff Jarrett so much that he then also beats up the referee and it's over. Then AJ Styles is mad I guess so he comes out to fight with Samoa Joe. So Joe and AJ have beef but they are both fighting dudes in the Main Event Mafia at the pay per view so they're both uhhhhhhhh faces? I shouldn't even worry about it.
The main event is Mick Foley versus a cardboard cutout of Rocky and he wins but he takes some punishment from Rocky's punches first. That's because Mick is a fucking pro. Then he wins and is happy but Jeff Jarrett has recovered from being killed by Samoa Joe enough to be like "Come on dude!" and then everyone fights everyone but Mick Foley comes out ahead.
This was literally the best Impact of all time.

TNA 5-21: THE RETURN OF CONTRIBUTOR IV

2009-05-21T20:57:00.002-04:00

So I am back after moving to review TNA for the very first time on this blog. Well I reviewed a PPV but that doesn't count.

So this thing starts off with a Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett montage and I quickly realize I have lost all knowledge of wrestling I sponged in those 3 glorious weeks (Known as 6394's Attitude Era) I was involved with blogging here, replacing all of that important wrestling knowledge with memorizations of Subway systems, so all of this is new to me again. This is a concern because I already thought TNA was the most confusing show on TV, and I am also super high off of fancy weed which is making everything even MORE hard to follow.

I guess this montage is because Jarrett & Foley hate each other, but oh good, we are starting TNA off with Jarrett blabbing in the ring about Foley and then Foley comes out and he's a legit bad guy again, and THEN jarrett is like "Im gonna be in the Sacrifice match" and foley is like "BUT WHAT WILL YOU SACRIFICE HOW ABOUT YOUR SHARES OF TNA???" And Jarrett is like "ok", and I don't fucking understand this Sacrifice match. So is it whoever gets pinned has to sacrifice some shit? Fuck it who cares, this is all giving me a panic attack.

Ok so then Foley is like WELL IM GONNA MAKE SOME MATCHES and he says a bunch of things that go over my head, then he says something about Samoa Joe and his NATION OF VIOLENCE and I have no idea what that means but I am fucking pumped to find out. Finally before the commercial break there is a skit with Angle backstage and it was all like FUCKYEAHDUDEBLAHABAABAHSH and something about a Frenzy (????) match. and my head is fucking exploding. Oh good. commercials.

We are back & catching up with the WHO IS SUICIDE IS IT CHRIS DANIELS thing, and it looks like it's not Chris Daniels, but who fucking cares if it was Chris Daniels? Would that give him some kind of unfair advantage? WHY DOES ANYONE GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS.
But now both Daniels and Suicide are being interviewed at the same time and they're gonna fight at the PPV, but tonight they are bros in a match.

Lethal Consequences vs Machine Guns vs vs Daniels/Suicide: This was mostly too confusing for me and they're stil talking about the mystery of Suicide. Shuuuuut the Fuccccccckkkkkkkk Uppppppp. So yeah, moves, moves, moves and then Daniels does this crazy ass moonsault plancha and for a second I'm PUMPED, but then Suicide wins with a move. COMMERCIAL.

Back from commercial and literally nothing of interest happens except they show booker T and Kevin Nash training for...something and it is very homoerotic. COMMERCIAL.

The Dudleys are giving a spirited speech about tag team wrestling and apparently they started some kind of Tag Team Invitiational tournmanet and whaaaaaat the fuuuuuck?? How are you just gonna make an Invitational Tournament?? That is not a thing everyone has the power to do. So the Dudleys are beefing with THE BRITISH INVASION and I have no clue who these guys are. They all look like British dudes, so maybe one is Nigel Mcguiness. Now they are talking back and forth and the Dudleys cant fuckin handle it so they throw dem bo's but THE BRITISH INVASION have a giant Biritsh Strongman, so they are now fucking the fuck up the Dudleys. NO WAIT, BEER MONEY is out!! Who are they!!! Some guys!!! THE BRITISH INVASION are scared of these dudes and I think their ring music is Livin on a Prayer or maybe I just smoked angel dust. Holy shit thank god this segment is over. It's only 9:45

OH SHIT NOW JARRETT AND ERIC YOUNG ARE BEEFIN BACKSTAGE. They are ironing out their problems like bros though. No reason to throw down. Oh it turns out Micke Foley has to fight Eric Young. Cool! COMMERCIAL THANK GOD.

Oh Kurt Angle was looking for Sting...and he found him! They are kind of beefing I think. I don't think it's gonna come to blows though. They are just yelling like an old married couple. I think they might hug it out, bitch. They do!

Oh now Eric Young vs. Sting. I guess I was confused earlier when I said he had to fight Mick Foley. I can't keep up with this shit man, I'm sorry. Is this seriously only the 2nd match? I feel like so much shit has happened. Oh, so I guess Eric Young and Sting are tight bros from way back and this is heartbreaking for the both of them. It's heartbreaking for me too. Man the sound got all weird for a second and you could only hear 6 people clapping. Maybe I AM on angel dust, or maybe only 6 people give a shit about this match? Oh, Eric Young taps to Sting's Sharpshooter. NEXT ON IMPACT: AWESOME KONG ANGELA LOVE CONTRACT SIGNING!!

Borash is gonna send insider knowledge to your mobile phone. Now he's about to chat up Mick Foley to find out what former heavyweight champion Foley is gonna fight tonight. I hope it's Gillberg. IT HAS TO BE GILLBERG. Borash and Foley are doing some kind of abott and costello bullsquid. SEGMENT OVER.

There is a SERIOUS Awesome Kong montage. It was pretty dope. Now it's time for the CONTRACT SIGNING. DUN DUN. Fat Jim Cornette is out to....officiate (???) the contract signing (I guess). Angela Love is one of the most porn star looking lady wrestlers ever. She is bringing security with her because she is beefing with Awesome King pretty hardcore. Cornette is telling the security to back the fuck off because it ain't that kind of party. Awesome Kong is out with the ninja. The Ninja gets to stay in the ring. That doesn't seem fair. They sign the contract and now the porno bitch is talking waaaaaay too fucking much and then Kng tries to smash the fuck out of her but some ref tries to stop her and she smashes the fuck out of that dude instead THROUGH A TABLE! Only 53 more minutes of this bullshit.

Hey let's skip a segment because it's just talking anyway, and I am trying to enjoy eating.

00hhhhh g0d more talking. Matt Morgan wants to join the Main Event Mafia So he is fighting Kurt Angle RIGHT NOW. Oh man Kurt Angle is definitely not taking wrestler vitamins anymore, but it looks like Matt Morgan is still taking a few. Matt Morgan appears to have a Jack O Lantern face tattooes on his back or something. They do some moves and then Morgan tries to go for the HELLAVATOR which is hte best name for a move, but Angle reverses it into a rollup and wins!

Now we are talking to Jeff Jarrett backstage and FUCK WHEN WILL THIS SHIT END. (in 25 minutes).

I think this is the main event now! Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett! It turns out Samoa Joe's Nation of Violence is just him and his towel. Booo. Samoa Joe fucks shit up as if he were an actual monster and not some morbidly obese dude with creepy flab and muscle pants. Joe gets DQd for fucking too much shit up and now AJ Styles and Samoa Joe are beefing because Joe is too pumped, or maybe because AJ has hamburgers in his pocket. So I guess this wasn't the main event. Fuuuuuuuuck. COMMERCIAL. 14 more minutes!

Oh that's right, I forgot the main event is supposed to be Mick Foley vs. Gillberg. FINALLY. Oh no, it's not Gillberg. It's a carboard cutout of Rocky Balboa!! He's coming to the ring with a Mickie lookalike and Don West is losing his shit and acting as if Rocky Balboa was real and then Mike Tenay tells Don West to STFU and HOLY SHIT!!! The crowd is chanting ROCKY ROCKY!!! Foley is having a real match with the cardboard Rocky. THIS IS AMAZING!! CLAP CLAP CLAP!! Foley beats Rocky with an elbow and then does like a mashup of Rocky speeches and MICK FOLEY IS SO FUCKING GREAT!!! Jeff Jarrett hates fun and comes out to beat the shit out of Mick Foley because he's a fucking cocksucker, but then Agnle comes out because he appreciates Foley's brand of comedy and he wrecks Jarrett. Then Sting comes out to try and stop the beef but Foley fucks HIM up. Finally Foley fucks Jarrett up too. THE END. Please just watch the last 10 minutes of this bullshit ass show. Fuck this never again am I watching this horrible snot.

I didn't watch Raw, but I'll review it anyway

2009-05-19T09:12:00.007-04:00

It's been established here that Raw is pretty much worthless right now. I don't think dragging aging attention whore Ric Flair out of mothballs will help things. Can't Flair get his attention fix the same way every other soccer mom and nerdy douchebag out there does (Facebook)? Anyway, right around 9pm last night, I dialed up my DVR and watched The History Channel's excellent Life After People series. It was a mighty fine hour speculating what would happen to some cities if all human beings were suddenly wiped off the planet. There's probably a joke in there about how WWE would go on, since Vince McMahon isn't really a human being, but that's snarky, hacky humor and pretty weak, to boot. Oh hey, how about this:

SIX MONTHS AFTER PEOPLE:

MIKE SWEETSER'S PORN COLLECTION AND TRANSFORMERS DOLLS START TO DETERIORATE. WITHOUT SWEETSER AROUND TO LOVINGLY WIPE HIS SEMEN FROM THEM, HIS RANCID SMEGMA BEGINS TO BREAK DOWN THE PLASTIC AND METALS. NOT EVEN UNICRON CAN WITHSTAND THE CAUSTIC FURY OF MIKE SWEETSTER'S JISM.

So yeah, I didn't watch Raw at all. I'll probably fast forward to any possible good parts later this week and maybe that'll take 10 minutes. Or I'll just delete it, sight unseen after I pull up the DVR menu like on Thursday and see it sitting there. I wrote the headline to this story with the intent or reading the recap over at WOL and summarizing the show with some witty quips here and there, but FUCK. Just reading about the program that was is tedious. I give up. ECW is on tonight, and apparently Harry Smith, who is less of a fuckup than Reid Flair, wrestles Fit Finlay and that should be above average. I'd recommend checking that out. Also, go find the Youtube video that the picture on the left came from. It's an awesome, life-affirming story and a better expenditure of your time than Raw. There's more to life than arguing the number of stars Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker should get (for future reference, it's ****1/4).

So yeah, skip Raw, DVR Life After People and ECW, check out those ducks, and go read Total MMA by Jonathan Snowden. All are better than Raw. Gracias.

Bits and Pieces

2009-05-18T14:40:00.004-04:00

Hey, that was the title of a column in Hustler...if it was good enough for a 12 year old lad trying to find his way in a strange new world of full-spread beaver shots and incredibly racist cartoons, it's good enough for you.

I saw The Wrestler, finally. Shit, that was really, really good. How Mickey Rourke didn't get the Oscar can only be attributed to the Gay Conspiracy, or the fact that he would undoubtedly sully the Academy's good name by fake fighting Chris Jericho.

I recall a friend I had a s a kid telling me that Sean Penn always looked like he was about to sneeze, which was hilarious. And accurate.

Anyway, The parallels of a wrestler and a stripper as both being used up whores abusing their bodies to sell fantasy to fat, disgusting virgins while secretly aching to leave DA BIZNESS was awesome and pathetic and beautiful. Speaking of fat, gross virgins, I could have lived without seeing Paul Sisnowski (SHOOT NAMES) on my TV screen on a Sunday night. Man, fuck you, you fucking slob. I guess I should count myself lucky that the camera avoided Jim Fannin's smug, vaugely Asian, lard-stuffed fat fucking visage during the CZW segments of the movie.

So yeah, my point is that The Wrestler is some poignant, great shit. If you somehow avoided seeing it longer than I did, check it out, brother. Also, you get to see Marissa Tomei's RUUUUUUUDE TITTAYS.

All this talk of aging attention whores looking for a comeback leads me to...

Ric Flair wants to wrestle again. Yeah, and the sun sets in the west. This is the least shocking wrestling story of the year. Christ, how pathetic. The guy is leaving frantic voicemails on Johnny Ace's machine offering to come out of retirement and wrestle again, like Marissa Tomei's aging stripper pathetically angling for some college mooks to let her rub her ginch on them for a few bucks. Unreal. This old fucker is seriously delusional. He's been quoted as saying that he feels better than he did when he retired. Well yeah, a year off will do that for you. Especially a year off without any kind of drug testing. Here's a better idea, Naitch: work on your family and maybe try to help the kid you were never around for get off smack. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIS BIRTHDAYYYYYY? Fuck, man, fuck.

Nobody is updating this site. After the loss of Mike Dikk to real, gainful employment, it's been pretty much the Andrewbulous show. I'll do what I can, but come on dudes, little help here.

Dave Meltzer shoots on Scott Keith. Regarding the "Fall of WCW" DVD, America's preeminent fake fighting scribe wrote, "Their knowledge of WCW history appeared to be scouring the Internet and reading Scott Keith-level historical material." Sure, picking on Scooter is as easy as punching a retarded kid (actually, that's not much of a metaphor, since Netcop does look a little downsy), but it's still pretty fucking funny. Meltzer, since getting some Fuck You Money from yahoo, just don't give a fuck. It's tremendous. Next, he'll drive to Keith's house and ass fuck that beast that appears to be growing out of SK's shoulder, while Scott weeps. And masturbates. While weeping.

Raw not really worth watching. Damn, Smackdown, Superstars, and ECW all had some great wrestling last week. Raw has been shit for a while, and you might as well get to bed early for work the next day like I did. Unless you're like the aforementioned Green Lantern Fan or 90% of the people who watch this garbage and don't have a job and your plans for tomorrow are to waddle down to Gamestop and hit BK or Hardee's for a Monster Thickburger (hi Dean!) on the way home or whatever.

Anyway, thanks for reading, my dudes. That's all for right now. So long from The Sunshine State. More later, maybe.

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

2009-05-12T00:24:00.003-04:00

I missed the first whatever many minutes of Raw because who cares. So let's pick up from here!
Batista is wrestling Orton's nerds and then because Batista is really dumb, he gets caught by the referee with a cage and gets in trouble for it. ;_;
Maryse is out being awesome, saying some shit in french and then she says "If I wasn't Maryse.... I'd want to be!" which is the best catchphrase ever. She is teaming with whoever against Mickey James and whoever and Mickey James wins and the world is horrible.
Umm, I don't remember. Chavo tricked Vickie and then Michael Cole and the King were in the ring to talk about the pay per view which was very strange.
I missed Carlito versus Brian Kendrick because I was taking the garbage out to the curb but presumably Carlito won. Apparently Ted Dibiase Jr has been beat up badly. I don't know.
The Big Show has come out to witness the EXHIBITION MATCH between the Miz and John Cena. Who even knows what that means. I guess I will find out. brb!
Okay this was awesome actually because the Miz sort of beat up on Cena for a while, then Cena was making his come back and Vickie comes on the big screen and is like CENA YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY WIN THIS MATCH IS OVER! and Miz DDTed Cena and then walked away all triumphant.
Randy Orton told Cody Rhodes that he needs to beat up Batista. "You got this," he said to Cody. My guess is that Cody Rhodes does not got this.
Santina is wacky or whatever, I don't know. I can't say I was even in the room for that. I'm sorry. I'm really bad at my job. Todd Martin........... forgive me.
Cody Rhodes proved once and for all that he did not got this as Batista kills him and throws him into the roid cave where presumably he teaches Cody how to gain muscle mass.
Santina beat Beth Phoenix and a lot of fake laughter came from the announcers.
Some midcard crap happens here with MVP and Regal and whatever.
Oh god listen... This show was just brutally boring and I so don't care to finish this recap. Raw sucks so bad right now, nothing interesting happens ever. At least in Impact, you know something really stupid is going to happen. What a worthless fucking show.

Pro-Wres Porn Lookalikes: #1

2009-05-08T14:32:00.003-04:00

Captain Lou Albano, and a man interrupting a meal of moules mariniere to help a woman in handcuffs give birth.

DINGDONG it's Thursday.

2009-05-08T00:01:00.004-04:00

Hey, remember when I would recap Impact? It used to go a little something like this...
1 2
1 2 3 4
The Main Event Mafia comes out and the Main Event Mafia has some fat guys now and Sting is back with them. Sting is dressed like a low budget geisha themed superhero. Kurt Angle has a rose for some reason and says some crap. Then Mick Foley comes out with DANIELS who no longer has a first name. He is just DANIELS. It is the dumbest name ever. Then Jeff Jarrett and AJ Styles come out and they're all mad about something, I honestly don't know what. This segment concludes with Kurt Angle saying "Can't we all just get along?" which is, I guess, a pretty clever reference by TNA standards.
The real patriotic dancing guy comes out and wrestles Suicide! I had the brilliant idea to start teaming Homicide and Suicide. Suicide does an STO which Mike Tenay calls a judo maneuver which, uh.. sort of. Then Suicide wins and there we go.
Matt Morgan asks Mick Foley for some favor and Mick Foley says Matt Morgan can fight the fat guys, then decides against it and tells that little weasely guy "Leave me be!"
Then we had some segment where, I dunno, the Main Event Mafia was all being interviewed and it wasn't very interesting except that the feud between the Survivor Chick and Sharmell continues. The basis for this feud, as far as I can tell, is that just like you can't keep two bettas in the same aquarium, neither can you keep two women in the same room. I'm not lying when I say it's the most interesting thing in TNA.
Matt Morgan beats up the Main Event Mafia Security who are the biggest scrubs on the planet. One is insanely fat, the other is just regular fat. They are also terrible. Anyway, they get beat up.
Then Mick Foley yells at the little squirrely guy about the guy's love of Twitter. I'm seriously not making this up.
Beer Money beat Jethro Tull and Eric Young, it was boring. Whatever.
Then an awesome thing happened where Awesome Kong SPOKE! And she said "Dumb blond! DEAD BLOND!" I don't know who she was talking about but I am inclined to agree with her.
Awesome Kong did indeed kill the blond so there was that.
Then, oh I don't know. Something. I'm really bored with this show.
The main event was some ten man and stuff happened, then Mick Foley went crazy and tried to kill Jeff Jarrett with a barbed wire baseball bat so Jarrett kicked Foley in the N U Teez and gave him his finishing move onto the bat and Sting pinned him.
Then Sting said if he loses at the pay per view, he will wrestle no more forever.
No Cody Deaner. UGH.

Spotlight on: JERRY FLYNN

2009-05-07T00:40:00.004-04:00

Fame is a fickle whore. It is fleeting, difficult to obtain and once you grab a hold of it all it does is try to struggle free from your grasp. Only the most fortunate among us grabs hold of fame and rides the fuck out of it. Jerry Flynn is one of those luck souls, and this is his tale...

HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

On a stormy January night in 1962 Jerry Flynn fought his way out of the womb of his mother, Ellen. Ellen Harrison was a school bus driver in Boardman, North Carolina. She had an ill advised one night stand with town drunk Otis Riles, and due to his poor timing and horribly executed attempt at the old "Catholic Ejection Seat" Jerry was conceived. Otis then vanished from Ellen and Jerry's lives forever. On that rainy night Ellen sat in the bathtub of her single wide trailer, giving birth as the trailer park handyman and noted Kung Fu expert Fred "Iron Claw" Flynn acting as her mid wife. After hours and hours of pushing it became apparent that the baby she was trying to shit out of her snatch was too fucking awesome for simple vaginal birth and with one swift spin kick he managed rip open his mother's womb and emerged from a gaping hole in her abdomen. Fred was so in awe of this rad ass little dude that he totally forgot that Ellen was bleed out her vag and stomach and sat there looking into young Jerry's eyes as she bled to death. On that day, a bond was formed between the two that could never be broken. Fred knew that the death of Jerry's mother would only serve to fuel the desire that he saw in the infant's eyes so he promptly took her corpse and ground it up into a puree that he fed Jerry for the first 3 months of his life. Fred decided to raise this bastard child as his own and gave him the greatest gift he could think of: His last name. A legend was born, quite literally.

LEARNING THE DEADLY ARTS

Fred was something of a legend in and around the Boardman area. He was a self proclaimed "Bad Ass Mother Fucker" and taught himself Kung Fu by repeatedly viewings of Bruce Lee movies and readings of Black Belt magazine. He stood roughly 6'3 (6'8 if you count his flat top mullet). He was famous for his propensity to walk into bars and spin kick the fuck out of the biggest man he could find. He owned the trailer park in which he lived and worked in by beating the shit out of every resident there until they handed the deed to their property over to him. He once stabbed a man with a toothpick for not covering his mouth while sneezing. No one looked Fred in the eye, much less spoke to him. That is what made his love for young Jerry all the more astonishing. His neighbors saw this rugged, grizzled man caring for a helpless baby and assumed he was a changed man, so they showed up at his front door baring gifts. They were wrong, and Fred slaughtered them all. He still kept the gifts. By the time Jerry was 3 months old he had mastered walking. By 6 months he was running two miles a day. By the time his first birthday came around Jerry had obtained a blue belt in Kung Fu under Fred. Jerry took to Kung Fu like a Mexican to stealing or a Samoan to eating. Or like a Mexican/Samoan to eating stolen food. At the age of 6 Jerry was banned from public schools for spin kicking the fuck out of the entire staff and faculty. Fred decided that his son was too goddamned RAW for pussy ass school so he decided it was time for Jerry to take his show on the road. They traveled from town to town, fighting all along the way. Fred would walk into local watering holes and say that he had a kid outside who could whip the shit out of any grown man and that he was willing to wager $1,000 to prove it. Hundreds of men would jump for this chance. All of them would get knocked the fuck out by little ass Jerry. The money was rolling in. But, as life is known to do, fucked up shit was on the horizon for Fred.

A MENTOR, SLAIN

Jerry Flynn was now a 13 year old boy. He was nearly as tall as his father, and had even managed to successfully impregnate 17 women, although he managed to abort each of these unwanted fetuses via either spin kick or uppercut. One night Fred told Jerry one night that he was going out to get a pack of smokes. Fred walked out the door, not knowing that this would be the last time that he would speak to his son. Fred had recently made his way onto a local motorcycle gang's shit list by fucking all of their old ladies in a single, glorious night. They managed to corner Fred in a junkyard as all 126 members of "The Black Widows" surrounded him. Cholla, the leader of the gang approached Fred and said "Fred Flynn, this is your day of reckoning" and at his command the entire gang attacked Fred. What happened next is still not entirely certain, although this much is known: Fred managed to kill 60 of the Black Widows before he was somehow stabbed in the heart by an antennae from a 65 Dodge Duster. 13 miles away, a sleeping Jerry jumped out of bed as the life left his father's body and hopped onto his Huffy and sped to the scene of Fred's death. Jerry saw the remaining 66 members of the Black Widows standing around his father's body and did something he had never done before: He shed a tear. And then he cracked the skulls of all of the bikers and avenged his father's death. He then wrapped up Fred's body in linen and set it on fire as a way of sending his spirit into the universe. Not like a Jedi funeral, because Jedi are huge faggots. For the first time ever, Jerry was all alone.
ONE MAN VS THE WORLD

Jerry never realized how much he relied on his father until he was gone. Fred paid the bills. Fred cooked the meals. Most importantly, Fred lined up all the fights. There was only one thing Fred could do: Go pro. There was one tiny problem: MMA hadn't been invented yet. So, Jerry invented it. On July 18th, 1976 Jerry hosted the very first MMA card in the backyard of some chick he was fucking. 165 people paid $200 each to sit on the grass and watch as Jerry beat the fuck out of 7 guys in a row. After doing this and not so much as breaking a sweat he decided that the fans hadn't gotten their monies worth so he then fought all 7 of those guys at the same time and knocked all of them out in different manners. The card was a huge success and before Jerry knew it he was running sold out shows in junior college gyms all up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Jerry was making shit loads of money and fucking all sorts of bitches. Life was good. Then, one day a tiny ass Brazilian showed up to his front door and told Jerry that if he had any balls at all he would go to Brazil and fight him. Jerry had no clue who this Gandhi looking fuck head was, but he wasn't no bitch so he told him he would be there. The man left his business card and walked away. The card read "Helio Gracie, BJJ Stud/ Watermelon Juice Exporter". Jerry had just taken his first step into a much larger universe.

LIGHTNING FOOT IS BORN

Jerry Flynn was met at the airport by Helio Gracie himself. Flynn stepped into Gracie's limo and the two said nothing as they drove to the Gracie family compound. When they arrived he was quickly ushered into the Gracie family courtyard where TV cameras and a crowd of around 3,000 people had assembled. Jerry was shown to his dressing room where he put on his kickboxing pants and rubbed a fresh coat of gel into his flat top. He emerged from the dressing room and saw the diminutive Gracie kneeling with his back to him, draped in a black gi. Jerry laughed at the sight and asked the old man how he intended to fight in his pajamas. Helio responded by slapping the young Jerry across the mouth. The fight was on! For 5 hours the two danced around, trying to get a feel for the other. No one in attendance was bored in the least. Finally, Jerry attempted a roundhouse kick which Helio caught and quickly managed to take Jerry down to mat. This was uncharted territory for Flynn. No one had ever tried to make him fight off of his back before. Before Jerry knew it he was being smothered by Helio's gi as the Brazilian worked on various submissions. Jerry managed to eventually power out and got back to his feet. Now he was pissed. He charged Helio and threw about 3o kicks and punches in the blink of an eye. All of them landed and Helio was in trouble. Jerry was intrigued by the submission holds that Gracie had tried to use on him and decided to try one himself. He applied an armbar and snapped Helio's arm like it was a dang old chicken bone. The stubborn old fuck refused to submit so Jerry did the same thing to his other arm with the same result. At this point Helio's young son Royce freaked the fuck out and threw in the towel. This enraged both Helio and Jerry, and Jerry walked up to Royce and spin kicked him so hard that Royce shit his gi. Helio, both of his arms hanging and soon to be amputated, smiled at Jerry and said. "You, Mr. Flynn, you have quick feet. Feet like... LIGHTNING. You are LIGHTNING FOOT." Jerry bowed to his vanquished foe and caught a ride back to airport. He returned to the US and went back to work, waiting for his next challenge.

AN UNLIKELY ADVERSARY

Jerry was never a fan of pro wrestling. To him it was little more than "a bunch of sissified faggot shit for faggots", and in many ways he was right. He never took pro wrestlers seriously, so the day a muscular, bald Jew showed up at his door he didn't so much as bat an eye. The man's name was Bill Goldberg and he was bound and determined to show the world that pro wrestling was the strongest fighting style. He had trained in grappling with enormous dick wad and rumored kid fucker Alonzo Spellman and considered himself to be a tough guy. At first Lightning Foot refused to engage the fake fighter, knowing full well that it was a no-win situation for him. If he won, all he managed to do was beat up some fruit in trunks. If he lost, well, that wasn't really part of the equation. So he sat silently, building a hard-as-fuck ship in a bottle as Goldberg continued to disparage him and Kung Fu. All of Goldberg's insults bounced off of Flynn until Goldberg uttered the words "Your daddy was a pussy". Lightning Foot felt electricity surge through his body and grabbed his dope ass ship in a bottle and busted it over Goldberg's head, which was a shame because this thing was fucking TITS. I'm not sure how they grade the difficulty of ship in a bottle building, but on a 1-10 scale this shit was like a 37, at the least. He told Goldberg that he accepted his challenge but demanded that the bout be fought under HIS rules and that the fight take place in... THE BLOCK. Goldberg had no clue what Flynn's rules were or even what the block was. If he did his kike ass would have GTFOed while he still had a chance. Stupid asshole.

HATE CRIME LEVEL ASS BEATING

Promoter Don King jumped all over the chance to promote this super fight like a bum on a baloney sandwich. As the fight grew closer and closer King set up a press conference where Flynn would tell the world what his stipulations for the match were, and more importantly, what "The Block" was. The morning of the press conference Flynn put on his father's best suit, ran some LA Looks through his hair and stepped onto the stage to look Goldberg in the eye. He told a packed crowd that his rules for the match were simple: There were no rules and the only way to stop the fight was by DEATH. The crowd was shocked. In-ring fatalities may have been the norm in Japan, Mexico and other shit hole countries inhabited by savage fucks, but the US was considered too high brow for that kind of barbarism. Flynn made it clear that this bout was too intense to take place on American soil, so he managed to clear the way for it take place on the deck of a US Navy aircraft carrier in international waters. Turns out President Bill Clinton was a huge Lightning Foot mark and made sure all the red tape was cleared. Then, Flynn described in great detail what "THE BLOCK" was. "THE BLOCK" was an iron octagon with one door that would be locked from the outside. Inside "THE BLOCK" the two men would be locked up. Only one man would emerge victorious. A hushed silence fell over the crowd and Goldberg's cocky smirk now gave way to a look of genuine fear. He had demanded this fight, and now it had become something he had not expected. His doom was sealed. Ever the showman, Goldberg put on a brave face and left the press conference promising that he would deliver a "Hate crime level ass beating". These were hollow words, and Goldberg himself knew that.

THE DEATH OF A LOUD MOUTHED JEW

As the fight approached Goldberg became more and more desperate. He attempted to pull out of the fight, only to have Don King's army of well paid lawyers inform him that doing so would give Flynn free reign to murder his Goldberg's entire family. He tried to get out of the fight by faking an injury, only to have a team of medical experts deem him fit to compete. He became increasingly suicidal and was eventually placed in protective custody on suicide watch. As the day of the fight arrived Goldberg had resigned himself to his fate.

The fight itself went off pretty much as expected. Goldberg came out to his fruity ass pyrotechnic enhanced fake wrestler garbage entrance while Flynn walked out to nothing but the sound of silence and his own footsteps on the metallic deck of the aircraft carrier. The two men were locked in the cage, Goldberg came running at Flynn, Flynn jumping spin kicked Goldberg in the face, mounted his fallen body and punched the ever loving shit out of him until all life left his body. As Goldberg lay dying Flynn leaned over and whispered into his ear "My father was NOT a pussy, and now you know that. Say hi to him when you get to Heaven. You'll know who he is, he'll be the dude kicking the shit out of you for all eternity. Bye bye, asshole." Flynn then applied a rear naked choke and sent Goldberg off to Valhalla. With Goldberg dead the referee opened the door to cage. As Flynn made his way out of "THE BLOCK" the stunned servicemen (no women) slowly began clapping until all of them were cheering their asses off. The fight was a huge success and received over 30,000,000 PPV buys. Jerry Flynn was at the peak of the mountain, and now it was time to come back down.

THIS IS THE END, MY ONLY FRIEND

Addressing the servicemen and PPV audience he announced his retirement from combat sports. He now had inner peace and had no further desire to maim and murder. He also announced that he was opening his own Kung Fu academy in his hometown of Boardman, NC. To this day you can walk through the streets of downtown and hear the terrified screams of his teenage students, and, if you're lucky, the snapping of an arm or two. Flynn still lives in his mother's trailer, although he now has cable TV so he can watch "The Wire". When I informed him that "The Wire" was over he chuckled and said "Oh yeah?" and then picked up his phone. Two days later I read in Variety that HBO was filming new episodes of "The Wire" in a furious dash due to "popular demand". Coincidence? I think not!

Hacksaw is Wrestling at My House.

2009-05-01T22:43:00.004-04:00

So I am moving to Brooklyn tomorrow afternoon. I have a job and I have no more time to play grabass on the internet with wrestling fruits. I don't know how often I wil be posting here from here on out, but this is my last hurrah, if you weel.

It turns out Hacksaw Jim Duggan was literally wrestling around the corner on my last night in this bullshit town, so I decided to go alone, because it was better than...being alone...I guess.

I have hangups with life, so I don't like going to public social events alone as I feel everyone is staring at me and making fun of me for being a lonely man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not socially retarded or anything, but being alone in these types of situations BUGS ME OUT. I warmed up earlier in the day by going to a Japanese restaurant all alone and ordering a perfectly cooked Chicken Katsu plate. After that, I had enough confidence to attend a scrubby wrestling event by myself.

The wrestling league or whatever was called POWER & GLORY WRESTLING. I guess they run locally in CT and they have their own little thing going on. I showed up fashionably late, because that's how you do things. Unfortunately, it wasn't late enough as I sat there for a half hour waiting. I also expected like 50 people to be there but the place was fucking PACKED. I don't know how many people, but definitely more people than will be at the next 5 IWA-MS shows combined. It was the most people I have seen at scrub wrestling in my life.

SO I am sitting there, and starting to freak a little because I am alone in a room with 400 white trash. Given the town I'm in, I fully expected the audience to be blacks and puerto ricans, which I can handle, but that much white trash gives me the panics. Oh, i was also DUMB high, which wasn't helping. Then, these three dudes sit next to me. They were all very chunky. I will go over their outfits:

Guy #1: Fat, tye dye Superman T Shirt, tucked into jeans, gut hanging over belt, bobo sneakers.
Guy #2: Fat, Bald, wearing a generic And 1 Basketball jersey Nothing underneath. t's def. not B0Ball jersey season, and it's NEVER Bball jersey season for fat bald white dudes), baggy jeans, and icy white And 1 kicks.
Guy #3: Fat, Urlacher Jersey, baseball cap, BLACK Jeans, those non slip black shoes you have to wear when you work in a kitchen.

Oh, and they were all wearing glasses. I would later find out that these dudes were INSIDERZ, but more on that later. At this point, I regret going to such a white trash function and I get the panics, but I calm myself down so it's all good.

The first thing was like Raw, where the main heel team comes out, which are a bunch of dudes who are like DX, and the leader looks like John Morrison. One of the guys is doing a fat gay aerobics gimmick and his name is Richard Seaman's. He's the best dude.

SO then after a bunch of yammering motherfucking RON ZOMBIE comes to clean house and the crowd goes APESHIT. Ron Zombie is a dude who has been on every single local wrestling card since I was in high school. He looks like if Cactus Jack was into Rob Zombie. he crowd is going APESHIT because he's southern CT's real life RANDY THE RAM except Ron has never been famous anywhere but southern CT.

Oh, so I forgot to mention MOTHERFUCKING OX BAKER was there. Not wrestling obviously, he's like 150 years old. he was just selling shit. He has this crazy loud booming voice and he was just kind of blabbing away doing crazy old man talk to no one in particular, but then he starts DISRESPECTING THE BIZ during the matches! During this Ron Zombie bullshit, Ox Baker legit tries to start a BORING chant, and I'm like FUCK YEAH OX BAKER! but I don't say that out loud because that wold be weird, so I just think it real hard.

Meanwhile, I find out these fat dorks next to me are INSIDERS because they start talking about "bumps" and "workers" and "stiff shots" and I start to puke a little. At least they didn't smell bad. I really wanted to turn to them and say, "Excuse me, do you know who the fuck I am? I am Contributor IV from the internet's most popular wrestling blog www.6394blog.com, Why don't you show some respect", but I didn't do that because that would have been queer.

Ok so that match was over. whatever, you guys don't care. Then the ring announcer comes in and he's like "there are refreshments in the back and also wrestling legend OX BAKER is in back signing autographs" and some older puerto rican dude a couple rows in front of me stands up, turns around and points to Ox and screams OX BAKER BABY!! and I'm like FUCK YEAH OLD PUERTO RICAN GUY YOU RULE, but again I don't say that out loud.

So then during another match the insiders are still blabbing about bumps and ROH and GABE and i'm puking, and then Ox Baker starts yelling at the referee for counting too slow and I start to wonder if Ox Baker is drunk, and how I could use a beer too, which is when I find out there are no beers at this event which becomes a nagging concern since I would have easily bought ten beers.

Ok, then at some other point, the ring announcer makes an announcement saying there is a special guest in the audience, as if like, Lawrence Taylor or Kirk Cameron is there, but it's just some local magician guy and Ox Baker yells WHO GIVES A SHIT at him, and I lose it again.

SO another match I will highlight: Some black guy comes out, sorry, I don't know his name, but he was supposed to be the bad guy, but his little mixed color children were in the audience in front of me holding up a sign for him and it was so touching. I cried a little. Then the next guy out was another black guy names THE PARK CITY GANGSTA, and THE PARK CITY is my old hood where I grew up and shit, so I was torn as to who to root for. The touching family man or the dude who was representing the B.P.T. It doesn't matter because the insiders started critiquing these dudes outfits and it was HILARIOUS. All wondering how much they spent on their ring gear. Oh, and then the dude in the basketball jersey started thinking out loud about what kind of promos he would cut in the ring which became a recurring theme during every match. THEN all of these dudes started talking about playing D&D, and I LOST MY SHIT. Like, I had to put my face in my hand because I couldn't keep it cool AT ALL.

So there were some matches, blah blah, and then an intermission so I go to buy an Ox Baker T Shirt because the dude is so awesome, and he was so fucking PUMPED someone was buying his T shirt because no one else gave a shit about him. Right after that he bounced though so I knew I wasn't gonna be getting more drunken commentary. Oh, I think he called a girl a bitch too! He might have said midget though! It was hard to decipher through the moustache.

So after the intermission the dork gang comes back and one of them now smells like cheap bathroom soap and bad breath, and I don't know how much more I can take with no beer being sold. THEN they start talking about some guy, and one of them says that Dave Prazak is a metrosexual, which was baffling. Dave Prazak looks like a lot of things, but metrosexual is not one of those things EVER. They were also saying how all of the wrestlers girlfriends were fat but these dudes mos. def. never saw a real vagina EVER.

Ok time for the MAIN EVENT. Hacksaw vs. the fake DX dude. For some reaosn I forgot Hacksaw's gimmick was being a lumbering retard. He started like 40000 USA chants. He was also wearing old school swim trunks as ring gear. No joke. So I guess it was the best match a 60 year old man can have with some scrub you never heard of.

All in all, I enjoyed myself. I wish there was beer. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle going to ROH by myself in June though (that was a plan of mine). Thanks for reading. Die slow, bloodsuckers.

Review of PURO Match

2009-05-01T22:31:00.003-04:00

Hey guys, I was at the DVDVR board the other day and went mad downloading some PURO matches. I found this little gem hidden deep in the cavities of the board and decided to share.

Shin Nihon Puro Resuinga~! Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Tamaoki Honma

Honma is a boy who became a man through pain and blood loss, with his blood and sweat leading him to where the big boys play; Shin Nihon Puroresu! Shinsuke Nakamura is the hot young star that New Japan has been looking for, praying for and hoping to find for years now. Unlike the greased and underwear clad Honma who hides nothing, including those intriguing scars, Nakamura is a bit more of a showman, wearing a red satin robe to the ring before stripping down to unveil his milky yellow body.

Homna, clearly the better oiled of the two plays the domme early on as he lays into Shinsuke with his leather, right into some breathplay as he uses his shiny leather boot on Nakamura's throat. Nakamura tries to fight back a bit, but Honma puts him in his place slamming him nice and hard a few times. Nakamura after a little bit more grinding decides that he can play rough too. He quickly has Honma down on all fours and begins to really give it to him before letting him up only to punish him with a few knees for his disobedience. It was all foreplay for him until he quickly mounted him from behind and wrapped his arm around Honma's throat, choking him until he was ready to explode like a twelve year old altar boy. Just as it was getting really rough Honma reached out and with an exasperated gasp grabbed out for the safety, unable to mutter the safeword.

Nakamura is displeased with his submissive's lack of dedication and relents, only to kick him a few times for the embarrassment he brought upon both of them. Honma is no longer willing to play nice as he begins to fight back, which is only whetting Nakamura's appetite more right now. Honma continues to throw Nakamura around a bit before placing his heaving chest on Nakamura's, pinning him down while the referee pounds out twice before Nakamura comes to his senses. After Honma attempts to punish him some more, Nakamura quickly gets him with a reach-around, Honma unsure of how to react finds himself face down on the mat again with Nakamura on top of him. Nakamura is sick of playing around with him, as he hoists him up onto his milky shoulders, Honma's oil dripping down his chest, and slamming him as hard as he can, before sitting on Honma's battered face and hoisting up his legs as the referee pounds Honma out.

After the encounter, there is a feigned handshake before a gang of men come out and begin to pound away on the defenseless Honma. One thing is for sure, his ass will be sore in the morning after the boys in the back are done with him!

Impact minus the first hour!

2009-05-01T01:13:00.004-04:00

Haha ol' Andrew... what WON'T I do? Well this time, what I won't do is be home in time to see the first hour of impact. So let's pretend, for the sake of all involved, that this is only an hour show. Yay!
Motor City Machine Guns are convinced Christopher Daniels AKA DANIELS is Suicide! And he says he isn't! And then he beats them up!
Mick Foley fails to recruit Samoa Joe to help him, I dunno. Whatever. The commercial for Transformers 2 came on and it was reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll awesome. That will be the best movie ever, even better than Transformers 1! I'm gonna drink 6 Pepsis and see it twice!
So then the best run of match to segment ever happened as Cody Deaner my main mans wrestled Abyss. He hit Abyss with a bunch of weapons and Abyss bled a little bit, then he was just like GRAAAAAAAARGH and crushed Cody Deaner which was sad but still awesome. Then, because TNA loves me all of a sudden, dear, confused little Lauren interviewed Daffney and it was awesome because Daffney is crazy and they both love Abyss.
Oh you know what? I didn't pay attention to any of the rest. I'm sorry guys. There was something with Samoa Joe being a bad friend and then Mick Foley did something and a sleazy guy hit him and Kurt Angle and there we go.
Who cares, you know.

Buddy Rose: YOU GOT SERVED (By Diabeetus)

2009-04-29T11:48:00.003-04:00

A wrestler by the name of Buddy Rose died yesterday. I don't know much about the guy except for the clip above which I remember seeing on Saturday Night's Main Event when I was a tiny fat child. According to the internet, Rose was probably 56 and he probably died by the cruel hand of Diabeetus. Thoughts AND prayers to Buddy Rose, some fat guy jobber from the WWF who will be remembered more fondly by old creepo touchers who actually watch wrestling from back before VCR's were invented. Stay Black Mr. Rose. You will live in my memories for at least the next 4 minutes.

ECW: The 8 person fed.

2009-04-28T21:03:00.005-04:00

I am back for this 4/28 episode of ECW. It's hot, my shins hurt and my stomach feels like it's full of hammers. I don't want to be here right now. I want to be spending time with a babe on a rooftop somewhere. So lonely.

ECW starts with Christian the NEW ECDub champ coming out to talk about some things! Then he is interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who is....wearing a dress suit!!! Hahaha, does Tommy Dreamer always wear dress suits now? It's so weird to see him out of his usual black t shirt and swish pants. Hey, remember those two months where they gave Tommy Dreamer that gimmick where he would eat weird stuff? That was such a good gimmick!
So yeah Tommy Dreamer is like "I am retiring in 6 weeks and I want to win the ECDub title one more time" and I bet Andrew is real sad about this because Tommy Dreamer is his favorite wrestler. THEN, Tommy starts shoot cwying wike a wittle fucken babby about NYC and MSG and The HISTORY (oh this is taking place in MSG) and then Christins like "Ok dude stop being bitch about this. I will give you a title match here TONIGHT in MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

THEN Jack Motherfucking Swagger comes out with his Biggie Smalls eyes all like ITS ALL GOOD BABAY BABAY! and he's like NO ONE CAN GET A TITLE SHOT BEFORE ME, but then Bad Actress Tifany comes OUT (SO MANY PEOPLE COMING OUT HO LY SHIT! HO LY SHIT!) and she's like FUCK THAT TOMMY DREAMER AND CHRISTIAN ARE HAVING A MATCH TONIGHT.

So then I do something unprecedented and I go make a sandwich. I like to put potato chips on my sandwiches. Does that make me a fat kid? The answer is "probably"!

I'm back and FInlay is fighting the Merkin dude Tyson Kidd, who is maybe the gayest looking wrestler on all of TV. he even wears pink booty shorts. This was a pretty good match from what I saw, as there were MOVES and PSYCHOLOGIES and SELLING, The best part was Finaly actually doing a vintage AKI-MAN reversal by spinning on the top of his head to get out of a leg lock! E C DUB E C DUB! Then Tyson gets the dastardly win by hitting FInlays fucked up knee with a Shilalaleigh (sp) BEHIND THE REFS BACK.

After commercial, KOZLOV comes out to the Ramp and he's dressed like M.Bison. There is no real explanation for this. He comes out and says some shit in russian about World Domination and bounces. It was literally 30 seconds. I hope this is leading to a whole Street Fighter crew of wrestlers.

They show Matt Striker and the other guy at the announce table and those dudes sit REAAALLLL close to each other. It makes me feel uncomfortable. They introduce a new member of the ECDub announce team, GREG SHANE HELMS! Haha, I guess it's better than being fired. Helms is interviewing Evan Bourne and then Paul Burchill come sout to interrupt him because they have to make sure all 8 ECDub wrestlers appear on every show I guess. Man Burchill's sister is doable.

Wow, it's already time for the MAIN EVENT which is still unfortunately Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy is wearing some kind of really weird tye dye zebra print shiny swish pants and I don't know if this is a normal thing for him just like the dress suits. He looks like an asshole for sure. I try not to watch Tommy Dreamer matches because he's the worst wrestler in the history of wrestling, so I close my eyes and lay face down for a while, just listening to the announcers call the match like in the olden days when young pups would listen to the wrestling matches on the ol' transistor radio. Unfortunately, this match is long and I'm about to fall asleep so I have to sit up and actually watch this shit. Honestly from what I saw, it wasn't that bad for a Tommy Dreamer match that didn't include garbage cans and ladders. After a while it looks like Tommy Dreamer is gonna beat Christian (haha yeah ok) and Jack Swagger comes in and FUCKS EVERYONE UP. DQ THE END.

I will be much more excited about watching ECW in 6 weeks when Tommy Dreamer can never be on it again.

Reid Flair Busted for Heroin. Fucking HEROIN!

2009-04-28T08:14:00.013-04:00

This just in: Wrestlers are horrible, horrible parents.

Holy shit, is there some new Observer award for Biggest Fuckup Wrestling Child that Herbert Meltzer is keeping on the down low?

Reid Flair (shootname: Fleihrr or some shit), not to be outdone by The Hulkster's vapid, embarrassing spawn, turned that shit up to 11 by being ON SMACK. I mean fuck, it was some stiff competition. Nick Hogan turned a war veteran into a vegetable with a moon crater on his forehead, Hogan's other son is a tranny, but surely there had to be some intermediary step that could have outdone Hulk's kids' transgressions without going all the way into Artie Lange territory. God damn, Reid, baby steps, dude. Nobody in fake fighting goes all the way to The H. Word is Ted DiBiase Jr. is busy studying Mein Kampf to try to figure out how to top this shit.

While Reid's drug of choice is a surprise (seriously, heroin? There were no other options? Christ, Dean Malenko is surely tight with your dad and he was hooking up Benoit on the daily), it's no shock how this all turned out. I don't even want to think about how this dude grew up. Seriously, what the fuck is going on here:

I don't know who is who's mom in this picture, who the girlfriends are, maybe daughters, all 3? Dad is right there, all sweaty, clearly fucked up, and FUCK LOOK AT THAT EYE. Man oh man, this is just one night of this kid's existence, picked at random, and it's already some fucked up shit. Did they swing together an hour after this shot was taken? I bet Reid is so fucked up in this pic that he's wondering which of these three old ladies he's going to fuck first. Man, the shit Reid must have seen growing up. Fuck drugs, I want to know what the crawl space under Reid's house looks like. He probably has a Vietnamese transient's head in his freezer.

6-3-94 will update this story with any pertinent details. We hear that Reid has been taken into custody and may have already joined the Aryan Nation for protection in prison. Prison officials are anticipating some five star shivvings and anal rape all night long.

Raw O'Clock

2009-04-28T00:19:00.006-04:00

What the hell, it's Raw O'Clock!
Sooooooooooo uhhh Vickie Guerrero is out to be shrill and introduce Randy Orton. Randy Orton is out to remind us he is evil and has killed every single McMahon except Linda and the babies. Hopefully they're next. Then he is like "Every wrestler on Raw answers to ME!" and MVP comes out and is all "Oh no you didn't!" and then they're going to wrestle later on tonight. So MVP is the new King Jobber, I guess.
Speaking of jobbers, The Brian Kendrick (who calls Lillian Garcia "dollface" which is the best condescending thing to say to women) loses to Bombaclad Stylee Kingston James. I don't even know why this match happened. Then Vickie breaks Big Show's gigantic heart by telling him they must keep it strictly professional. Sorry big guy, I feel for you.
Let's see, what the fuck is next. I think this was Santina's team of Santina and some hoes vs an awesome team of both Beth Phoenix AND Maryse. Mike Dikk is hating on me right now cuz I saw Maryse be weird. There was some antics in this match and the twin chicks are friends again. I don't know how that happened but it's okay. The twin chicks are like hot girl Hornswoggles or something, I've never really seen them do their schtick before. Also the real Hornswoggle was in this. And Santina won with a roll up, further cementing her as the most dominant female wrestler of all time. I hope they bring in Aja Kong to job to Santina. Why have I written so much about this.
A butthurt and greasy Matt Hardy is out, doing a promo about how he broke his metacarpal last night in his crapass garbage match for trash idiots that he had last night. Matt Hardy was sounding like he was going to cry which I hope is a permanent new gimmick. Then Goldust came out who is, apparently, still under WWE contract. Matt Hardy runs around, then hits Goldust with the brutal force of a broken limb. There was that. Who even knows.
Montel Vontavius Porter the highest paid free agent in the WWE making more money than even John Cena wrestled against the Sinister Randy Orton. This was a pretty good match actually, I thought MVP was gonna get just shat on but he hung in there and never even really lost because Shane McMahon ran in and was just having a great old time swinging a kendo stick around. Then he ran away through the audience and was all like YO HERE I AM and then his music played so I guess he won the match.
Thanks to the Veer Union.
I don't think I missed anything but I feel like there was something before THE MIZ segment but who cares because the Miz segment was so awesome. The Miz was saying "Hey yall I am new here and I want to beat John Cena!" so then he won by forfeit because John Cena was killed last night. Then he yelled at Lillian Garcia, which made it 2 for 2 abusive Lillian Garcia segments tonight. A hell of a show. Later, we learned that John Cena WAS there so he was actually just scared as hell of the Miz.
The Colon Bros who are now the default best bro tag team in the WWE wrestled Jamie Noble who is doing a like 155 pound UFC guy gimmick and Chavo Guerrero. Chavo and Jamie Noble didn't win this match but I certainly did enjoy it. I used to think Carlito was so lousy but I guess I was wrong because he's kind of awesome. I am man enough to admit that.
So then the main event was Batista vs. the Big Show and this was the worst thing on the show because both guys need to wrestle someone they can really just impressively throw around and neither of these guys can throw around the other. I started paying a lot of attention to my fishtank during this match, and that shit is awesome. This one fish has a cave and he doesn't want anything going near that cave. I'm gonna make like 5 more caves and really twist his melon. So anyway whatever, John Cena came out and just stared at the Big Show mean as hell. Big Show got counted out because of that and everyone was like OH SHIT.
This wasn't a bad episode of Raw at all, really. I like when midcard guys start to get pushed a lot just because usually they do something kind of awesome at some point on the ascent so I am hoping the Miz, like, hits John Cena with a car. Thank you all for reading this, my friends! :)

BACKLASH: A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA

2009-04-27T00:17:00.004-04:00

A: Hi everyone it's old Mike and Andrew again to say whatever the hell about this wrestling show that we just saw. We're best friends!!!!

JACK SWAGGER VS CHRISTIAN

A: Jack Swagger looks a lot like Jake Busey if Jake Busey looked a little less like Gary Busey. He is about 10 feet tall and absolutely awesome. He is a guy with a LEGITIMATE AMATEUR BACKGROUND and he does stuff like the rolling germans except it's actually just the rolling amateur wrestling takedown and stuff. He's the best. Christian is a tiny little Canadian who Vince McMahon apparently hates. This was a dandy little match but I don't remember much about it because it was like 4 hours ago. I do remember Jack Swagger trying to do the like Vader splash maneuver but from the top rope so really it was just a top rope splash but facing the wrong way. Also the finish was Christian cheating in a smart way as opposed to Jack Swagger's dumb cheating, and so we learn that cheating is cool if you're smart about it which everyone already knew anyway. After the match, Christian sees Edge and is like "What's up bro you used to be about the MUSIC" and Edge is like "Fuck you bro."

M: This was the best match just because Jack Swagger is an awesome ass dude anr probably needs to get off of bullshit ECW by tomorrow. ECW is for scrubs, Jack Swagger is the real deal. So what if homeboy has a lisp. Dusty Rhodes talked like a black retard and he is one of the most popular dudes of all time. I wanted to see Swagger win this shit just because Christian was being such a bitch to him on that EC DUB episode I wached but whatever. I'm sure he will be on RAW soon enough. Also the shit with Edge and Christian was pretty cool because it probably made the SMART MARKS at home finally pee their pants with happiness that they acknowledged that Edge and Christian were tight bros but now Edge is like "n word please".

CHRIS JERICHO VS RICKY STEAMBOAT

A: I honestly don't remember too much about this. This was like the wrestling match for guys who want to see two dudes wrestle who are both really good but one is old and one is Canadian and neither does anything amazing. So they wrestled back and forth in like an amazing display of technical knowhow or whatever and then Jericho gave Steamboat the Walls of Boston Crab and he tapped out and that is the end of Steamboat's feel good nostalgia run, I think.

M: I think I should have liked this match because it was like WORKRATE and Ricky Steamboat was so pumped to be wrestling again that he dyed his hair even though we've seen him for the last month with some grey hair but he wanted to shine. I thought he may have legit died but he made it through. The whole time I imagined that Dynamite Kid was at home yelling at the TV like FUCK YOU STEAMBOAT YOU BLOODY WANKA THAT SHOULDA BEEN ME. CURSE THIS BLOODY WHEELCHAIR. Actually that probably didn't happen because Dynamite most likely doesn't watch THE PRODUCT anymore and is most likely too poor to afford a TV, no less cable. All eating discarded meat pies from the local futbol stadium for dinner. SCRUB.

CM PUNK VS KANE

A: CM Punk kept attacking Kane's arm and then Kane beat CM Punk and there it was. During the AIM chat for this, all of these fucking mark ass idiots were saying "Oh now CM Punk will cash in his money in the bank!" as though that makes any fucking sense. Dude was beating fucking insensate by Kane, the most dominant and ruthless force in the WWE. He's in no goddamn condition to wrestle for the STRAP. CM Punk's brain isn't addled by wait what the fuck why am I listening to Dishwalla right now. Tell me all your thoughts on god. Okay so anyway I just think it would make more sense for CM Punk to cash in money in the bank after a glorious victory, not after he got straight bitched. Fuck yall.

M: Man, why are they making CM Punk a bitch? He just won the big Money in the Bank! For the record, I was saying how they would do like Wrestlemania X where Bret Hart lost to Owen but came back to win the belt in the main event, but either way it's pretty hilarious that Kane won a match. Also, I'm sure every single goober on the internet that spends 27 hours a day fantasy booking CM Punks next RISE TO THE TOP probably just shit themselves and had a brain aneurysm and I can't wait to read the pussyaching tomorrow because that's how horribly depressing and useless my life is right now.

MATT HAHAHA HE IS FAT VS JEFF HARDY

A: My feed died for a lot of this match so maybe something crazy happened but if it did I didn't see it. What I saw was them doing a bunch of submission moves to each other, then the stream died, then Matt was all tied to a table somehow and was saying like "No Jeff I love you! Daddy wouldn't want you to do this!" and he quit like a little bitch baby and then Jeff jumped on him anyway. I suppose this ends their feud and it means Jeff will re-sign with WWE so blah blah goth chicks joke.

M: This was the worst I Quit match I have ever seen. Dudes were doing like leg holds and shit to make each other quit. Then Jeff tried to Swanton Bomb Matt to death. Then when they finally get to the realness, Jeff pulls out the most pussy ladder ever. It was like a 6 foot ladder, and Matt's being a bitch about it. I hate Matt Hardy now, but I still hate Jeff even more for wearing JNCO's and I hate both of them DOUBLE for this wack ass match.

THE AWESOME AS HELL SANTINA/GREAT KHALI/BETH PHOENIX SEGMENT

A: The Great Khali comes out to his like Punjabi MC theme song and his little dude with the sideburns is like "Great Khali wants to fuck some hoes tonight yall!" and so Santina comes out because that is one fine slut. She says she cannot kiss Great Khali because she is in love with Jim Ross and Jim Ross gets shoot upset while all the announcers get work amused. Great Khali understands because he is an honorable man but then Beth Phoenix comes out and throws salt in JR's game and the Great Khali bops her on the head, not unlike Little Bunny Foo Foo doing so the little field mice. No one turns Great Khali into a goon though. Then Santina pins Beth Phoenix and then Great Khali sexually assaults Santina so that we see her tits.

M: I have nothing ot add to this except for the part where Santina said he was in a relationship with JR, he was Shoot disgusted because he is a shoot homophobe. I bet Vince Mcmahon was laughing in his earpiece the whole time like I OWN YOU JR AND I OWN SANTINO I WILL MAKE HIM FUCK YOU IN THE ASS IN FRONT OF STEVE WILLIAMS AND THE ENTIRE OKLAHOMA SOONERS FOOTBALL TEAM IF I FEEL LIKE IT HAHAHAH SLACKFACED BITCH!!

RANDY ORTON AND HIS LITTLE GAY JOBBER BOYS VS TRIPLE H, BATISTA, AND SHANE MCMAHON

A: This match was really long and it was fine, I guess, but I don't remember too many things that happened in it. At the end, Batista was going to hit one of the chump guys with a chair and Triple H was like "NO!" for some reason. Maybe there was some DQ stipulation in this match, I literally don't know. Anyway, while this was happening, Randy Orton viperously vipered the living fuck out of Triple H with the RKO and the kick to the head and then they had to strap Triple H to a spinal immobilization board. Apparently the kick killed Triple H more than it's killed anyone else ever because he got such attentive medical care. Also the fans started singing NA NA NA, NA NA NA, HEY HEY GOODBYE at Triple H which ruled.

M: Batista wears the tiniest wrestling underwear. I bet he has to tuck his cock in between his legs just to get into those things. I'd imagine Batista is at least bi-curious. He has a navel ring and a belly button tattoo and wears the tiniest of shiny underpants. Plus he looked for real heartbroken when Orton kicked HHH's head off. I think they are ***Secret Lovers***. Oh, and the bell ringer rang the bell too early and I imagine has already been future endeavored. Peace out Bell Guy.

THE EDGE VS JOHN CENA

A: This match was really awesome and some cool stuff happened but the best part was that John Cena and Edge were standing on the announcer's table and FU'd Edge into the fans and one fan was just lying on the ground next to Edge the entire time they were counting him down so I think he probably legit got his neck broken. That was hilarious. Anyway at the end, they are fighting on the ramp and the Big Show comes out and chokeslams John Cena through the spotlight and he was dead and on fire and that was the end. So every title changed hands which was cool.

M: This was A MATCH, and I guess was better than the Jack Swagger match just because of the part Andrew mentioned where they really broke a fans neck but I'm sure he's pumped because he's going ot be rich forever. Though he is an idiot wrestling fan, so I bet they could bribe him with a years worth of Smackdown tickets and an autographed pic of Melina and everything will be cool. Also, there was another part where Cena threw a bunch of steps into Edges face, which was pretty good. I HAVE NO JOKES I'M SORRY.

IN CONCLUSION

A: I don't really have anything funny to say about this show because it was almost entirely good and unlike TNA I know who all the wrestlers are so I can't get anyones names wrong comically. It was definitely worth seeing such a fine wrestling program for free as I did.

M: This was a great PPV and if you say otherwise, you think way too hard about wrestling and need to take a fucking chill pill or the whole bottle. A thing that sucked was that there was no Maryse match and I thought there would be for some reason. Snarky hip commentaries on wrestling only work when the shit sucks, so suck a fuck.

TNA and its Ever Faithful Fanbase

2009-04-25T01:17:00.004-04:00

Recently the greatest letter ever written on the subject of fake fighting was posted on Twink Beaner Bryan Alvarez and Jew media mogul Dave Meltzer's web site. It was written by an inbred shit head, which makes sense since it was written about the virtues of TNA. I shall now do my best to dissect this epyllion into small, quivering, shit stained pieces.

Bill Walkowitz on why he likes TNA
(Wow, that's one helluva title right there. Right up there with The Butcher's Wife and The Slugger's Wife and The Astronaut's Wife in terms of removing any and all doubt as to what the subject is.)

I'd like to take a few minutes and respond back to Carl Evan's column. Maybe he can another point of view.
(Maybe he can what? See another point of view? I'm guessing you're going for the word see.)

I'm an old time wrestling fan in his 40's and have been watching since I was age 11 when I saw my first show at the International Ampitheatre in Chicago. Superstar Billy Graham and Dusty Rhodes were a tag team on that show.
(Oh man, that sounds like a kick ass show. By the way, what's an "ampitheatre"?)

I'm one of the customers that the WWE say is never right. I'm always wrong according to the land of McMahons. So since I'm so wrong according to them and the mindset there, I decided they're the ones who are wrong and rarely watch their product, and very rarely buy a PPV or go to one of their shows.
(I see. You are one of their "customers" and you rarely buy their PPVs or go to their shows because they don't see DA BIZ the same way that you do. Fair enough, but if you really feel that way why would you hand them your no doubt hard earned $$$$, even in rare instances? PS- despite your infrequent financial support it would appear that things of going well in "land of McMahons".)

I'm also a guy when I lived in NH was fortunate enough to work for three different indy companies,
(Oh SHIT, son, we got us an insider~!)

doing all the little things that help get a show going(setting up chairs, tables, ring, getting as building, locally promoting shows in commission towns that require a "resident" of the state to have the show put in his name.)
(lol, never mind)

One of them groups was host to a series of WWF training dojo shows,.so I was able to see guys like the Hardys, Edge, Christian, Kurt Angle(being managed by Dory Funk jr), and also was very fortunate enough to meet Jim Cornette.
(This particular sentence is awesome, especially the part about you being "very fortunate enough" to meet Corny.)

What label that gives me, I don't know.
(I can name a few: Douche. Tard. Street Team Member. Am I getting warm?)

But first and foremost, I've always been a fan, and I know what drives THIS fan.
(Whatever it is that drives you I can be certain that A: It was made while the first Bush was in office at best and B: at one point or another you fucked a close relative in it. Most likely a cousin, although a sister cannot be ruled out yet.)

For all of Carl's opinions of TNA. TNA gives me more of what drives me as a fan than anything the WWE is doing.
(Uh huh. So basically what drives you, a 40 something self proclaimed old skool fan who met Jim Cornette, is a 6 sided ring, interchangeable indy guys, a wrestler based on a video game character and a roster that is about 30% former WWE employees. Hell yeah. Old skool as FUCK.)

Every promotion's going to have its flaws, name one that don't. But TNA has been the promotion that keeps me being a fan.
(And I'm sure they say an extra special prayer each night, thanking the god of their choosing for giving them such a super awesome fan like you.)

it's drives me to buy their PPV's watch their shows and go way out of my way and get their dvds
(Going out of your way to get a TNA DVD? Damn son, do you not know how to click around on the fucking internet?)

(like the long journey I went thru to get acoup[le recent dvds that were supposed to be at "major retailers now" but weren't and I have a walmart, the largest most major retailer in the world, right in the town I live in).
(I like where this is heading.)

It drove me to my local walmart and bitch and yell and complain about them having the TNA video game, but no DVDs, and now because I created such a fuss, I was able to yesterday purchase the Jeff jarrett 4 disc dvd set.
(YES! This is an image I would have loved to have seen in person. HAY YALL, WHERE'S THE DANG OL' JEFF JARRETT DVD? YALL GOT EVER DAMN ONE OF THEM WWF DVDS. IS YALL ON THE MACK MAN PAYROLL?)

Watching this and the kurt angle one reminds me why I hate WWE's product so much.
(Why? Because when the WWE employed them they performed in front of actual crowds and not amusement park guests?)

I'm tired of the McMahon family being shoved down my throat, and when they see it's not working, what do they do? They continue to do it anyway.
(Yes, which is precisely the exact same thing Jeff Jarrett did for the first 3 years of TNA's existence.)

I'm not the biggest Jeff Jarrett fan,
(Oh, what's this?)

but
(here it comes)

I found his dvd set more entertaining and great to watch than anything the WWE has done in over 2 years.
(WWE has sucked a million consecutive dicks for the last two years yet I can rest assured that the worst possible evening of WWE programming is a billion times more entertaining than 99% of what Jeff Jarrett has done in TNA.)

The only recent "WWE" dvd I bought was the one they put out on
World Class Championship Wrestling, anything else they put out now you'd be lucky you could pay me to watch it.
(I do believe if your hillbilly ass somehow tricked someone into paying you to watch wrestling YOU would be the lucky one.)

and if they actually DO something that's good(like letting Steamboat wrestle, which was about the only I liked about Wrestlemania),
(I am sure that for the last several years Steamboat has been BEGGING the McMahon family to just put him in the game. Those heartless fucks made the man BEG for another moment in the sun.)

They put the kabash on it right away, and thrust HHH/Orton in a way everyone
can see isn't working, not getting over and nobody cares about. But because he's married to "daddy's daughter" and daddy's daughter is in charge of creative, it's "let's put the blinders on because we know better than the fans who keep us in business will ever know" mentality.
(Yeah, HHH and Orton was a bag o' shit, no doubt. I'm sure TNA has NEVER had any sort of examples of nepotism. It's not like Dustin Rhodes got a push when his dad was booking. It's not like Jeff Jarrett kept getting main event spots simply because his family started the promotion. Nope, shit like that never happens in the vaunted halls of TNAland. TNA NEVER pushes someone when it clearly isn't working.)

HBK vs Undertaker, good but I've seen better.
(Like what? Samoa Joe vs Kurt Angle SHOOT FIGHT~? The fake War Games match? Please enlighten us with what we are missing in TNA.)

I've seen where the simplest things still work, I grew up watching
well put Stan Hansen as a great example, when he came into the AWA he said "forget the NWA, Forget Ric Flair, I want to be AWA champion and Rick Martel, I'm going to be champion". Simple, to the point, bang! you got a reason and a storyline.
(If anything, and I mean anything in TNA were simple, I might actually watch it once in a while ((not really)). This is the same company that brought us such simplistic concepts as the King of the Mountain match, the Monsters Ball match and lest we forget the Hard Ten match. Simpler times, indeed.)

Or "I came here to the World Class Area because there's one world, and there should be one world champion". WWE's own Jerry Lawler said that when he was AWA world champion. again, simple, to the point, and it got over. TNA at least acknowledges there's other organizations out there, recognizes the past achievements of stars. There's alot of little things that TNA does that still drives this fan, this cuatomer who's always wrong according to the WWE.

(Dude, I have the feeling if the WWE booked their shows according to your vision each show would consist of two hours of cowboy gimmicks and heels throwing fireballs and blinding babyfaces. The fact that the world has, you know, changed over the last couple of decades obviously frightens you. What you have failed to consider is that pro wrestling, ESPECIALLY the WWE, tend to run 2-3 years behind current trends.)

Last time I checked the motor city machine guns were aspiring to be one of the best IWGP jr. tag champs ever. I don't know what Carl's looking at but I can see them putting those Japanese titles over on tv. Think Vince McMahon would ever do that now? nope. He's had the chance, did do that and flopped every time. he had the golden eggs of the NWA thing...flopped it, old ECW invasion...flopped it...WCW invasion...flopped it. At least TNA has taken some to build things up, WWE flopps at that too. hell the only group to get the old ECW invasion done right was Memphis, and who was the owner at the time? Lawler and Jerry Jarrett. So there's your "developed Explanation", Carl.
(At the time they were used, all three of the promotions you mentioned in the WWE's long list of inter-promotional failures were far more relevant than the IWGP titles. Even ECW.)

I was thrilled to see Gail Kim and Christian in TNA, it gave them two a chance to shine where they weren't before and in Gail Kim's situation, lost in the shuffle(again) in WWE). Christian on the WWE's "C" show isn't doing the numbers that he was doing when he was in TNA.
(Oh man, I hope this leads to him exposing his azn fetish. It's also awesome that TNA fans hang their hat on the fact that iMPACT! beats "the WWE's 'C' show". It is not that different from bragging about beating up the kid with cerebral palsy. Yeah, you won, but what have you accomplished? Also, Christian was just on Wrestlemania. I am willing to bet that 90% of TNA's roster would eat a steaming bowl of Mick Foley's shit to switch places with Christian.)

I think AJ Styles needs to go to promo school,
(Apparently super ultra mega #1 TNA fan has never seen THIS~!)

There's one of the things that drives this fan. I mjaynot like the way they repackaged Sama Joe, but I'm a great fan of what he can do in the ring, again, that is what drives this fan. Ring of HonorWithout Gabe is like Pizza without cheese and his absence is so noticeable.
(Wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Am I being worked?)

Funny Carl, you say the TNA ring work has desensitized fans to complicated ring work? pppps.. it hasn't with me so you should've said "some fans", or "Most fans", your generalizing when you really don't know what all fans think, kills your credibility.
(FUCK!)

TNA has one glaring flaw that won't go away, and that's Vince Russo.
(NO! FUCKKKK!)

For every time someone has tried to conmvince me he's a "genius" that he claims to be, I've been able to give validation to what beasily is nothing but a guy who've overhyped and hasn't created one thing that has put asses in seats.
(The spelling and grammatical errors should have been obvious. How did I fall for this?)

Anything he's done has flopped but because he's Jeff's buddy, he can continue to milk the company out of a paycheck he doesn't deserve to get.
(... wait a sec, maybe this is legit)

I'm not a fan of Foley having the title but it's tons better than Russo holding it, think about it.
(lol, if all Foley ever did in TNA was walk into the iMPACT! Center and take a shit in the ring while raping Don West he would be a million times more credible than any champ TNA has ever had.)

"Nothing about TNA tells me there are qualified wrestling veterans who can aptly book a good show". Is that so? Well I guess you're wrong again cause they're damn qualified enough to book a show that keeps this long time fan interested.
(You know, he has yet to name any one specific thing he likes about TNA.)

let's see YOU book a show that's perfect from top to bottom with no flaws whatsoever, and see how you react when people crap on it.
(Uh, DUH. If I were booking a show it would be fucking awesome so FUCK YOU. If people hated it I would make myself an on air character and call them names on TV. Your old skool sensible show would be 2 hours of Bob Backlund doing the Harvard Step Test.)

before you say something like "well, what about you"? I have, and I did. as a birthday gift, one of the groups I worked for let me, and it went over well,
(Guys, this is Bill Walkowitz. His dream has always been to run a wrestling show. Tonight we are going to make his dream come true. Now all we need from him is his check for $3500 and for him to finish setting up the ring.)

what worked? simplest little things and because of one thing I did it elevated a guy to the next level and he was able to work on that to this very day, he works indys all over the northeast now, so you're wrong in that quote.
(I am hella sure that this nameless indy fag sits around each night, thanking his lucky stars that some fucking mark helped ELEVATE HIM TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF INDY WRESTLING. Which is... more indy wrestling.)

I'd rather see Babe Ruth retired than anything WWE is doing.
(I don't even know what this means)

I'll watch reruns of Dog the Bounty Hunter before I watch anything WWE has on.
(On this, we agree. Dog is the best racist dude with a TV show since, I dunno, Regis Philbin.)

I get WGN and could watch the new superstars show, why? I liked the old Superstars show they used to have in the 80's. Nothing new or exciting is going to come from there.
(New and exciting things rarely happened on the original Superstars tapings.)

I'm sure Mr. Cornette and I could classify a hundred bad indy groups, anything WWE does,and...your opinion as well..as crap..
(Yes, you and your colleague Mr. Cornette)

because this is one old time fan McMahon lost out on,
(Again, his loss I'm sure.)

that TNA and the way they present their show for the most part, has got, and
will keep.
(For reasons you have yet to make clear)

They are the ones that can drive this fan moreso than anybody else anywhere and that includes MMA.
(lol, gotta get in a jab at that new fangled MMA thing.)

So open your mouth, insert the foot, because, in the case of me, your opinion is dead wrong. I hope you can live with that..
(I'm sure the other douche who wrote a douche letter to another douche that was posted on a douche web site about a fake sport is texting his best friends his physical address as we speak.)

Bill Walkowitz

Portage, Wisconsin

There you have it, friends. The greatest pro wres letter ever written. I am a better person for having read this shit, and now, so are you. You are welcome.

-H.G.

I HATE MY LIFE: A Smackdown Review

2009-04-24T19:58:00.003-04:00

Well, I have never watched an episode of Smackdown since it got moved to Friday nights however long ago because there is nothing sadder than sitting at home alone on a Friday night and watching wrestling. Actually there is: sitting at home alone on a Friday night and watching wrestling THEN immediately blogging about it!
You see, this is not my normal routine. It just so happened the world needed a blog about wrestling at the same exact time I became temporarily exiled from society and had to sit home by myself on Friday nights due to unmentionable circumstances. So I promise you,, you will get one, MAYBE two of these Smackdown posts out of me and then never fucking again or I swear to god I will slit my wrists. If any loser wants to write about Smackdwon on Friday nights for this world famous blog, please e-mail the address in the upper right hand corner and be funny.

So ok, first I have to find out what channel Smackdown is even on. It turns out Smackdown is on WWOR TV Channel 9! Former home to Richard Bey, Howard Stern and Steampipe Alley (shoot gay)!! I guess Channel 9 is like a semi-real network now. Uhhh, good for them!

Well I turn it on a little early and I catch the tail end of a show called Taylor Perry's House of Pain and it seems to be about how these old dudes have caught a fat black child masturbating in the bathroom and they are telling him how to not go about getting caught in the future. This was a real thought provoking ten minutes of television.

Ok Smackdown is starting and Edge is coming out to make a very heartfelt super serious speech about his ongoing feud with John Cena. I have no jokes for this at all and I can already tell this is going to be a long lonely night that will most likely end with a sticky mess in a random sock.

There are commercials for all of the new Channel 9 Network shows and they are all hella suspect. There's one show just called JAIL, and I believe another one called FUNNY TV PATROL Starring Arsenio Hall.

Now we have Matt Hardy & Kane vs. xCMx xPunkX & Jeff Hardy. Jeff and Matt apparently hate each other now. I'm not sure why, but if I were to guess by the looks of Matt, it would be because Matt has eaten all of Jeff's Snacks! This Jeff Hardy CM Punk collabo is kind of interesting because it's like the wrestling representation of a 1990's mall kid (Hardy) with the 2000's representation of a mall kid (Punk). Excuse me but I have to be real with Punk & Hardy for a second. First Jeff, no one wears JNCO's anymore bro, and how old are you anyway? Like 34? Just fucking quit it. Secondly Punk, no one listens to Killswitch Engage anymore bro. It may be the least irritating music in the WWE and I guess it's good that it's not fucking PSYCHOSTICK, and I respect that you made some goober ass fat kids from fucking North Dakota super stoked to be straight edge, but you're ruining everything. Stop carrying a fucking briefcase to the ring too.
So Matt ends up getting a dastardly roll up on Jeff leading to a win and Jeff is now even more pissed at Matt because he is still the master of the snacks.

Ooooh, a five minute long sensual montage explaining the Orton/HHH/Shane Mcmahon/Batista/Legacy feud in fuzzy slow motion detail. "I'm getting too old for this shit" -- Danny Glover.

Now we have Big Show vs. Undertaker and the guy who is not Jim Ross keeps calling this the main event and it's only 8:40 and I start to get really worried this match is going to go on for an hour and twenty minutes. Like, I'm biting my nails and shit. I have a new found interest in Undertaker ever since his WM25 match though. See, I haven't watched an Undertaker match in over five years and had no idea he became an MMA fighter until the Shawn Michaels match. I'm not sure why one would need to learn the ways of MMA when you already have mystical paranormal powers, but hey whatever.
The story in this match is that The Undertaker is THE BIG DOG MMA KING SHIT sort of like Randy Couture because they are both old as fuck and I guess Big Show's new gimmick is that he punches people and knocks them out. Ohhhh boy. These dudes really fucking suck at punching each other especially because both of their gimmicks are BEING REALLY GOOD AT PUNCHING. They punch like fucking baby bitches and why the Hell does The Undertaker always look sunburned? What the fuck does he do on his off time to get that look? Hey man, get some sunblock or I don't know, stop sticking your fucking head out of the car like a dog while you're driving.
So this match goes on for way too long and I start to Google search for images for this post, and like any grown ass man, I have Google safe search turned OFF, which means when you search for anything, you have a 99% chance of seeing hot tits, so I get distracted for quite a while. I look up in time to see that The Big Show delivers one of his baby bitch knockout punches to the Undertaker while he's trying to perform "Old School" and it fucks up the Undertaker big time. Then the Undertaker slowly gets up and Big Show gingerly punches him again for the KNOCKOUT, then Big Show's all like YOU MAD CUZ IM STYLIN ON YOU. After a while Undertaker gets up and he's so wobbly and I can't believe Big Show just made Undertaker look like such a bitch, but then UT puts up his dukes and he's like COME ON FRUIT, and he punches Big Show a few times and Show scurries out of the ring laughing all like YOU MAD YOU MAD YOU MAD!

Time for Maryse vs. Gail Kim. I don't mean to get all racial here, but you can easily tell what type of Asian Gail Kim is because she has a panface (Korean). I'm not hating or anything. I would like nothing more than to kiss and nuzzle and cuddle with a sweet little Asian girl. If the internet has taught me anything, it's that an Asian woman is the most coveted trophy a white man like me could ever aquire.
Maryse is like the sassiest bitch ever and she's so awesome. Everything she does, she has this face on like FUCK IT I KNOW THIS SHIT IS FAKE. She is amazing, second only to the one homie Sara Del Rey. She kicks Gail Kim's ass and does her DDT finisher, and I was totally expecting a COCKY PIN, but she has an even better pin where she kind of half sprawls out on Gail's body as if they just had amazing sex and mushes her face. Then when she gets the 3 count she does the WHAT BITCH hand gesture to Gail Kim. Maryse is the most amazing WWE lady wrestler. I'm so glad she is on Raw now so I have a chance to see her again.

Oh, A weird Jeff Hardy promo, where he looks like he's inside of that weird playpen thing they used to have at the Discovery Zone, except an EVIL TWIZTED VERSION!

MVP is out and I guess those squawking cunts on The View were talking about him. Don't even get me started on those bitches. DON'T. EVEN. GET. ME. STARTED. He has a match with...hahaha Chavo Guerrero! I didn't even know he was still a wrestler! I think it's safe to guess who won this match! Afterward, Beth Pheonix's brother Dolph Ziggler comes out in his cakeboy pleather outfit and he has a more feminine voice than his Sister! I guess this dude wants to scrap with MVP at a future time. OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT (sike).

There is a John Cena promo where he compares his feud with Edge to The Yankees Red Sox feud. COME ON DUDE.

FINALLY, The real Main Event! Shane Mcmahon and THE ANIMAL BATISTA vs. Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase jr. There is nothing good that can be said about this match except at one point Jim Ross says "Mcmahon and Dibiase: Two amazing names in this genre!". What does that even mean? Jim Ross slowly slipping into John Madden levels of nonsense Diarrhea mouth. After that gem, I start talking to my friend about my uncanny ability to detect which girls do and don't hassle you about giving blowjobs. Then the good guy team wins. THUMBS DOWN SMACKDOWN. SHAME ON YOU.

Ugh. Impact.

2009-04-24T00:00:00.004-04:00

Because life isn't miserable enough on it's own, I am back to recap this week's thrilling episode of TNA Impact. Enough YIPYAP let's do this.
J E double F A double G O T comes out and he has the belt. He calls out Mick Foley who I thought was a heel but he slaps hands with the fans and is really happy. He gives props to the camera man and points out his "25 big ones!" Those are stitches, I guess, but who really knows. Jeff Jarrett is kind of butthurt that Mick Foley is, uh, crazy I guess so he decides that Foley has to put up his title against three other guys at the next pay per view. But to make it fair, each guy must sacrifice something of their own! At this point, I begin looking over each wrestler's shoulders at people in the audience and the more retarded looking people are cheering and going buck ass wild and the more normal people are like "What the fuck is this shit." Those people helped me get through this segment. Mick Foley invents a new match called, I shit you not, the Cactus Jack Smack Attack and books Jeff Jarrett in it.
The Beautiful People are really happy and throwing confetti on poor Lauren, who looks concerned. Why Lauren isn't just a member of the Beautiful People when she looks exactly like them is a mystery.
The Dudley Boyz have so much respect for da biz that they are holding a tag team tournament for, I dunno, a prize.
The first match is Beer Boys versus the Black Dudes and they wrestle for a while before the Beer Boys win. I don't know, there wasn't anything particularly notable about this.
Scott Steiner is so mad at Jeff Jarrett, yall. Kurt Angle kind of looks like a black guy who is also a white guy. A lot of racialism in this update, I'm sorry.
Oh man haha okay so........ Jeff Jarrett is all mad and then Eric Young, TNA's official designated hitter, runs in and wants a SHOT so Jarrett says "You can tag with HOLLIDAY!" who we then see is Trevor Murdock now named Jethro Holliday doing a, I guess, Jethro Tull/Matt Holliday gimmick.
Don West wears a peach shirt and a peach tie! It is the best thing on this entire show and that's no jive.
Kevin Nash is interviewed about something and then his ho starts yelling at the lovely Sharmell. I don't know.
I miss something because I was reading SEXUAL PREDATOR archived posts. They're pretty funny!
Then the best idea ever: A chick ladder match. It's that athletic broad from the TNA pay per view versus Sojourner Bolt. These gals are no Sara Del Rey, let me just say that. In any way. Sojourner Bolt gets the win by putting brass knuckles on backward and hitting the athletic chick. As a dude who listens to hardcore, I know all about putting brass knuckles on for no reason and that's how I know these brass knuckles were put on wrong.
I can hear the Beautiful People's high keening wails from the next room but I'm sitting here at my computer. I don't have a laptop and I don't have a TV in my bedroom so there's a little biographical information about how I do these recaps.
Why hasn't TNA ever booked the Iron Sheik, by the way?
I.. I don't even know. Mick Foley gives the creepiest blind lady with a scary broken doll voice a hundred dollar bill. This seriously weirded me out.
AJ Styles pingpongs around Kevin Nash for a while before Booker T interferes and the referee is all like "Hey I saw that!" which was the right call because it was really obvious he saw it and at first I thought he was going to act like he didn't and that wouldn't be real surprising out of this wrestling organization. So I was a little surprised!
The seemingly incongruous team of Eric Young and Jethro Whatever beat the Anime Twins. I thought Jethro being a) the new guy and b) gigantic would do a ton of MOVES but he mostly just got moves done to him and so I am nonplussed as hell at this turn of events.
So the Cactus Jack Smack Attack is the best match of all time and that is because there are a ton of CRAZY items around and one of them is a pogo stick. And Scott Steiner jumps on the pogo stick and then Jeff Jarrett clotheslines him off of it. I am not even kidding when I say that is the best thing I have ever seen in wrestling. Mick Foley also does a real great job on commentary. The only bad thing is that there is barbed wire and no one goes into it but maybe next time. Jeff Jarrett wins with his stupid move and then Kurt Angle and Scott Steiner beat him up. Crazy ol' Mick Foley runs in and saves Jarrett, then he attacks Jeff Jarrett! He's crazy yall! Don't forget! This dude is just all over the fucking place!
In conclusion, Sara Del Rey.

Guest Columnist: Larry King

2009-04-23T23:43:00.003-04:00

It's weird, becoming IWC famous makes strange bedfellows. SOmehow, old jew ass Larry King found out about our blog (I know, weird right?) and wanted to post a column. He personally e-mailed me this column and told me he'd want nothing more than to be featured on the 6394 blog and I can't deny him because he's like 400 years old and will die any day now, so there's a good chance we may have the last words Larry King will ever write, and they're about WRESTLING! -- editor

Welcome to the Larry King section of today's USA TODAY, er..., I mean, the 6-3-94 website thingy. I'll be periodically posting some thoughts on wrestling, MMA, being married seven times, and British girl groups.

*That John Cena's gonna go places, mark my words.

*You know who doesn't get enough credit for innovation in wrestling? S.D. Jones. The man made losing an artform.

*I met Steve Austin last week for brisket and brewskis. He says he's going to stay away from wrestling for the foreseeable future to really devote himself full-time to domestic violence.

*How about that Bobby Lashley? I think he's making a huge mistake by picking a fight with Bob Sapp. I mean, who's going to pay to see a WWE washout against an NFL washout?

*My good friend Hulk Hogan seems to be in a bit of trouble lately with his Rolling Stone interview. He's only saying what we've all thought at some point in time: vitamins and prayer DO lead to a healthier and longer life.

*You know who I wish I saw more of? Chris Benoit. What ever happened to that guy?

*I was taking in a ball game with Chance and Cannon and who do I see but Dale "The Demon" Torberg? An absolute gem of a worker who never got the push he deserved.

*When I was growing up, the neighborhood kids idolized Crusher Casey and Lou Thesz. Why can't my kids look up to this current spate of great grapplers like Cute Kip and Santino Marella?

*Regis Philbin and I were at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas taking in the sights last month, and we were greatly entertained. The period architecture is fantastic!

*Shawn is in the other room yelling at me to plug Garlique and Welch's Grape Juice. Done and done!

*David Duke, Guy Kawasaki and I walked into a bar the other day. For some reason, everybody started laughing. We finished our Slow Comfortable Screws against the Wall and left. That's the last time we go to the West Hollywood Manhole for drinks.

*My Latina maid always wears these low-cut dresses when she's mopping up my spills. I don't mean to stare, but I think she likes it by the way she always yells "Chinga tu madre, viejo pervertido!" I have no idea what it means, but I think I get the gist: She appreciates the attention!

*Dana White needs to partner up with Procter and Gamble. I would buy a double-branded Mr. White and Mr. Clean detergent.

*Charlie Haas is the one part of WWE television I can't miss.

*For that matter, I can't get enough of Raisha Saeed. Spicy!

*My handler's are telling me I have to go back to the studios to tape another interview with Sylvia Browne, so I'll wrap this column up. Be sure to watch my show on CNN every weeknight at 9PM, 8PM central.

"The Tears Dry On Their Own" -Amy Winehouse

2009-04-23T14:26:00.003-04:00

Dear Diary,

If feelings are the weather forecast of life, then my soul is currently turbulent with a chance of sunshine.

I am not a religious person by any means, but if Jesus Christ himself came back in human form I'm sure he and I would have more similarities than differences, although I don't think I would be able to have sex with him (the chance to yell his name in a literal sense would be tempting, however).

My tears have had their sincerity questioned, mocked behind my back. My feelings misunderstood as a prima donna's manipulative strategem. It makes me feel like I'm in high school again, as if life is a continuous struggle to survive but not live. I think back to the "Footsteps in the Sand" parable, about how one of Christ's followers only saw one pair of footprints during his tryingest times and Jesus had to explain that it was because he was being carried by the Lord. I did the same thing with Joey Matthews and John Morrison in MNM, and like Jesus, I have been martyred back into the realm of Smackdown.

Between now and my last tawdry escapade with John Morrison, he has grown as a man and as a worker. I feel a kinship with him that could only have been cultivated through the kismet of destiny. It was this kinship that had me relieved as well as joyful that he is back with me underneath the blue lights, the most incendiary color a flame can be. I had relentlessly hit the F5 button on WWE.com's supplemental draft updates to make sure it was not a hoax but a confirmation of fate that one day he and I would return on the same brand and continue a love that leaves no sexual positions undiscovered.

Sure, Dave's love was one of unbridled passion and maturity but it wasn't without its negatives. He was Ibiza and I am LA and no matter how similar we were there was always a figurative ocean between us. Staring at his belly-button tattoo was like staring into shallow water, just enough depth to take a dip but never enough to satiate my heart. It is a love that I will hold onto. But with John, this is the real deal. He wouldn't be with me for politics because I am the Sham-Wow for the puddles of haterade that surround me. He loves me for me and the way my vagina goes hyphy.

Smackdown is what I'll make of it not what they expect of me. I will be the greatest Women's champion for a large Mexican audience, for John Morrison, and above anyone else -- for me.

xoxo,
Melina

MMA News FROM THE FUTURE

2009-04-23T10:09:00.006-04:00

Quad Amputee's MMA Debut "Pretty Much What You'd Expect"

Auburn, Ala - The controversial and long-awaited MMA debut of quadruple amputee Kyle Maynard ended in a quick but not wholly unexpected fashion Saturday night. The crowd who filled the Auburn Crafts and Events Center was not exactly stunned at the decisive defeat of this inspirational fighter as his opponent, the previously unknown Alan Johnston, won by a decision a short time into the first round.

Long time MMA writer David Herb Meltzer commented on the spectacle, "it was, ya know, uh, ya know, pretty much, ya know, what you'd, uh expect, ya know, with a fast win by the guy with, ya know, all his limbs. Well, ya know, except for the, uh, flying out of the cage part."

Above: artists's rendering of the event

Johnston, whose FightFinder.com mma record was listed as 1-2, was kept anonymous until the day of the fight, as controversy surrounded the event. Fears about saftey and the event becoming a spectacle proved to be warranted, however, as the contest played out. At the sound of the bell to start the match, Johnston sprinted across the cage and deleivered a fierce kick to the seemingly unprepared Maynard. Anyone could have predicted what would happen next. "The fucking little shit just fucking FLEW out of the cage," said an unidentifed MMA promoter, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "I bet he landed in the lap of some faggot. Or a cunt."

Despite one of the combatants being launched from the fighting surface, a first in the world of mixed martial arts, the bout's official time was 1:23. Referee Steve Mazzagotti seemed confused as to what to do next, frantically watching the stands for Maynard's possible landing spot. "I didn't want to end the fight too early," Mazzagotti later said. "I figured maybe he could get up and walk back in...or, uh, whatever."

In the post fight press conference, Johnston expressed no regrets and thanked his sponsors and his trainer, Sebastian Janikowski, for what he called an amazing camp leading up to the fight.

Week Old ROH from 4/18

2009-04-22T17:25:00.012-04:00

Well, I am still unemployed because God and Jesus Christ both hate me and want to see me suicide instead of becoming a working man, but luckily that means I have enough time to lay around unshaven and watch ROH on the internet. At least this time around I'm actually wearing pants.

Before I start this bullsquid (which you can watch here for yourself), I look at the upcoming ROH TV schedule and notice there are no Sara Del Ray matches for a month and a half, so I'm already pretty pissed off. Well it's starting now and I'm paying a little more attention now and I can tell that Prazak and Hogman aren't in an actual room but are indeed in front of a fake ass looking green screen image. It is sad that ROH cannot afford a real room with TV monitors inside of it.

JIMMY JACOBS vs. NECRO MOTHERFUCKING BUTCHER

I've never actually seen a Jimmy Jacobs match because I can't take this dude seriously. They say he's 172 lbs and even if that's his shoot weight, and I'm sure it's not, that is still a bullshit weight for a god damn wrestler. How did this guy get popular? Was he exclusively fighting children and women before coming to ROH? Please someone explain to me why anyone would want to watch this fucking guy wrestle?
Necro Butcher is obviously one of the best wrestlers on earth and you should fucking know that already if you are reading a wrestling blog. Unfortunately, ROH does not believe in light tube matches, so we get a friendlier version of Necro Butcher wit a pwecious wittle staple gun and nothing else, and then the ref takes that away from him because wrestling is SERIOUS BUSINESS in ROH. If I ever go to ROH (Won't happen), I will try and start a SERIOUS BUSINESS chant, but I think there's one too many syllables to make that chant work.
Necro Butcher isn't the biggest dude, but he still towers over the diminutive Jacobs. I bet Jacobs brings a bag lunch to ROH and it's bite sized Three Musketeers bars and a Lil SSips juice box.
So after a while they are BRAAAAAWLIN' and Jacobs pulls out a plastic bag from his pants. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Why would you have a plastic bag of all things hidden in your pants? Maybe that's what he carried his lunch in?
So then after a few minutes Brodie Lee comes in on behalf of his elven friend Jimmy Jacobs on Necro wins by DQ aka, the most bullshit way to win a match. I guess this is how Jimmy Jacbos wins matches.

Now we are backstage with Tyler Durden who is interviewing Jimmy Albright, one of the many plain white boring faces of ROH. I AM DROWSY CLAP CLAP CLAP.

SAMI CALLIHAN vs. EDDIE KINGSTON

It is so obvious in his pre-match promo that Sami Callihan is a jobber but he's trying so hard not to be and it's so cute. Eddie Kingston is a dude who is wildly popular by indie wrestling standards, and I never understood why. He has a beer gut, and he looks like every single Puerto Rican dude I have ever known who is always telling you about how they have this "awesome" job at a warehouse for some Pharmaceutical distributor and they can hook you up with a job if you want it, but you really don't want it because you'd rather be jobless and starving than lift heavy ass boxes full of syringes and god knows what for 60 hours a week at ten dollars an hour ("but the overtime is worth it" they will say). Maybe indie wrestling fans don't know any real life Puerto Ricans? To me, Eddie Kingston is more or less my brother-in-law in kung fu pants and a spandex wifebeater.
Well, Sami Callihan, who is wearing a really fruity singlet that rides up way too high in the thigh and dick area, gets in way too much offense and then Eddie Kingston makes him bleed FOR REAL somehow, and eventually ends up beating this scrub with a...discus punch....sort of....thing. What a great finisher!

Durden is backstage with Claudio Castagnoli, who is a wrestler I actually like, mainly because , you know, he LOOKS like a wrestler. Claudio is doubly funny because he is trying to be funny and his natural shitty euro accent makes him funny.

Oh great Hogman and the other toucher are "talking" to New ROH CHAMP Jerry Lynn "Via Satellite" and it's so hilarious because you can totally tell they aren't really talking to each other, like when Space Ghost interviewed people on his talk show. Jerry Lynn has been wrestling for something like 45 years, you would think he'd learn to talk a little somewhere in there.

BOBBY DEMPSEY vs. ORANGE CASSIDY

Bobby Dempsey looks like every fat kid you picked on in high school, or in some of our readers cases, Bobby Dempsey is the wrestler you can most relate to. Orange Cassidy is such a jobber that he doesn't even get the prerequisite intro nonsense. Dempsey beats him in like 9 seconds, and I'm not sure if they're trying to make Bobby Dempsey some type of Vader character or what's going on, but if they are, that's a pretty bad idea, because when I see Bobby Dempsey, all I think of are titty twisters and swirlies, not an unstoppable monster.

Then there's a segment called "buzzwords" with some guy called Erick Stevens and I will not even dignify this. That's about a minute of airtime they could have dedicated to Sara Del Ray highlights. Screwers.

CHEECH & CLOUDY vs. RHETT TITUS & KENNY KING

Cheech & Cloudy are so lame they don't even get real PRO-TIPS. They also come out to ska music. Cloudy is from the Jimmy Jacobs school of tiny wrestlers too. His head is barely above the top rope! Titus & King are some more jobbers trying really hard not to be jobbers. I can tell this match won't interest me since it's a battle to see which team are the better jobbers so I start playing with Twitter on my phone. After a few minutes I look up and Cloudy is ascending to the top rope, but Kenny King pushes his sorry ass off of it and Cloudy goes flying face first into the ringside barricade thing. Then they do a pretty dope springboard Blockbuster for the win and maybe these guys aren't jobbers after all.

MAIN EVENT: CLAUDIO CASTAGNOLI vs. BRENT ALBRIGHT

Claudio uses a scrub as a step stool to enter the ring. The announcers don't Say shit about Brent Albright being related to Gary Albright, so I guess that's a coincidence, and I'm kind of bummed out. Gary Albright was awesome. Brent on the other hand, looks like a douche, but at least he looks like an actual wrestler. I can't believe this dude is the "good guy". He comes to the ring in a sleeveless leather trench coat. How can any self respecting human root for a man with such bad fashion sense? Bullshit aside, this match was pretty dope, again because both dudes were the size of normal wrestlers and no one looked like they'd have to be home when the street lights cut on. Unfortunately, Claudio wins with a roll up, just like how Jerry Lynn won in the main event last week (except this roll up was a lot less stupid) because I guess the whole gimmick of this ROH show is that they give you some nothing jobber matches and then the main event may consist of two guys who are exciting but you won't see an awesome finish because you need to go to an ROH show or buy an overpriced DVD to see the real shit. I'm never going to do those things so I don't know how much more of this show I can take if it's going to stick to straight jobber wrestle fights with no SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT in between. Especially if there isn't a healthy dose of Sara Del Ray to administer an adrenaline shot to my pants.

A humble attempt to review 6/3/94: Movement The First

2009-04-22T01:23:00.003-04:00

As I contentedly munch upon the intoxicating sweetness of a mochi Pocky, I reflect on all that the diminutive island nation of Nippon has bestowed upon me. Whether it's their demure and elegant women or their bell-like language that rings upon my ears like the sweetest aroma of a wisteria blossom on a summer's breeze, much is owed to this oriental paradise. But one thing stands above all others. The date lives on in all true fans minds. Above our birthdays, above our anniversaries, above Easter and Thanksgiving and Christmas. June Third, Nineteen and Ninety-four. Those who know need no explanation. But for those who don't know, here is my humble attempt at relating to you... the greatest professional wrestling match in the history of the world.
Mitsuhara Misawa wears a silver jacket. There is a certain pomp, a certain... flash to his ways. He is the golden boy of All Japan Pro Wrestling and he knows it. Toshiaki Kawada, on the other hand, is the polar opposite. Startlingly difficult to look at, hapless in combat against Misawa... the everyman of Japan.
We start simply enough. Misawa presents the triple crown belts to the referee, Kawada warms up in the corner. Such elegance in storytelling. Such subtlety.
Streamers, as though manna from heaven, rain down upon our competitors. We wait in delicious yet painful anticipation. The referee admonishes them both sternly... we WILL have a clean fight. Not that we have anything to fear from these two stoic warriors. Honor is a guarantee!
They stand, facing off. At the risk of foregoing journalistic neutrality, I already feel a shiver of delight coursing through my body. A lockup, just one, leads to nothing but respect. The second an exchange of strikes. On the third, a spinning kick thunderously collides with Misawa's jaw sending him to the floor. Misawa quickly follows with a hellacious backdrop driver as though from the pits of Hades itself.
Forgive me readers. There is no way I can document each occurrence in this match, though I surely could, easily from memory. So ingrained in my memory is this match that I can yell along with the commentators despite being the most baka of gaijin. There words fall from my mouth like water from the rainclouds, inexorable and perfect.
The action spills to the outside, but that is no matter for the high flying Misawa. Or is it? With a simple maneuver, the homely Kawada demolishes the debonair Misawa. This is Kawada's night. Can you feel it? Does the electricity move you as it does me?
Back in the ring, Kawada's punishing kicks and grinding submission maneuvers ground the flamboyant Misawa; this boy emperor of the Budokan. A lump moves to my throat, the first tears spill from my eyes as Kawada hybridizes a Boston crab into something more, something other.
Dangerous K, as he is sometimes known, thrusts Misawa into the corner and unleashes kicks in much the same way Tojo's shining warriors unleashed raining death on the hapless Americans of Pearl Harbor. A pin, a count of two. We're not done tonight, readers. Not by a long shot.
Kawada remains on the offensive, continuing to work as an antagonist for Misawa's unearthly style. What is an angel, after all, if it lacks wings?
A man of pride, Misawa desires to show he too can yield his feet as weapons. He regains control with his own kicks, quick strikes, a tactical offensive that serves to demoralize just as much as wound.
Knowing that without the power in his legs Kawada is yielded a harmless kitsune pup, Misawa goes to work on the mighty trunks of the man who is quickly becoming our protagonist. In Kawada, we see ourselves. Not the most beautiful, not the most flashy, but beings with truth and purity on our sides. Against all of my judgment, my fists are clenched, my teeth as well. Kawada-san, please...
Like a tiger stalking its prey, Misawa skulks around the ring, beholding Kawada's injury, teeing off on him with kicks at will. An act of mercy, to end this match. And yet, Misawa is not a merciful man. KA-WA-DA chants the crowd. And we at home, gently chant along.
Perhaps buoyed by this moral support, Kawada attempts a suplex. Once, twice, no. A spin kick quickly puts him down again. Kawada is unable to mount any significance offense. Are we nearing an end to this contest? Perhaps not, friends. Perhaps not! Kawada shows that his kicks are without peer and goes for a pin. 1...2... no. There is still fight left within Misawa's samurai soul. Enough fight, indeed, to reverse a powerbomb into a backdrop. But not enough fight, enough burning spirit, to prevent the dropkick to the back of his skull.
Aloft on a cloud of revenge, Kawada delivers a seemingly endless supply of chops to the neck of Misawa. Again, only good for 2. It will not be that easy, my friend. A kick to Misawa and we see blood ooze from his ear. Do you doubt the veracity of the combat within this match? Then you are truly a fool.
Misawa, back in control, an astounding figure, trickling his life's very blood, a tiger driver, a two count. Perhaps it is that Kawada is no slouch himself, Mr. Misawa? A frog splash as well.. to no avail. This Kawada is a survivor.
A brief aside, if I may, about the vast superiority of Japanese audiences to those of America. Their attention is held rapt, entirely devoted to this contest. No rude and vulgar chants are head, no garishly attired men in hockey jerseys trying to "get themselves over." It is sublime and universal to Japan, that rarest of nations where the perfect storm of etiquette and glory have swirled together.
Misawa still resists the powerbomb, but no force on earth can withstand those of Kawada's fearsome boots. Sufficiently softened up, a backdrop driver scores. Finally, the powerbomb hits. And a count of two follows. The exhaustion is palpable. If we, the viewers, weren't so enthralled, we might be exhausted too.
But tiredness is no excuse and it is a pleasure to watch Kawada go to work. He is a surgeon, the ring is his operating table. More spectacular moves and yet Misawa does not fall. There is no yield in this man, not even when placed in the destructive submission maneuvers of Kawada. These moves could bend steel, but some things are stronger than steel. Things such as Misawa's constitution as he regains control. A tiger suplex and we literally cannot believe what we are seeing. Next to this, the Olympics are an imaginary game for children, a mere babe's prattling games.
A striking imagine, Misawa steeling himself to return to the ring. He must, and yet he knows what is to come: An exchange of elbows and kicks that sees him temporarily on top. Still, at what point does a man simply say "No more?" All things must come to an end, even the championship reign of this warrior. But resignation is not on the menu today and so the struggle continues.
Summoning within himself some final reserve of power, Misawa utilizes the final move in his arsenal, the nuclear option as it were: The tiger driver '91. And this finally, FINALLY, puts Kawada away.
We are spent. We are speechless. And, yes, once again, we are moved to tears at this spectacle, this metaphor for the human condition. It is a symphony in countless parts, a mummer's tale of bravery. There are very few words in this entry compared to that which runs through my heart, through my mind, and through my soul. But if I could put those words to paper, perhaps I'd be a quarter of the artist that Toshiaki Kawada or Mitsuhara Misawa are.

EC DUB 4/21

2009-04-21T21:02:00.004-04:00

So I haven't watched ECW since they fired the hot vampire girl, who was my all time favorite *Diva*. Ever since then, I've been like Fuck ECW, so watching it now is quite the experience.
The show opens and we are in ENGLAND which is not a part of AMERICA, and Finlay & Hornswaggle are in the ring TALKING. Finlay is catching feelings because Hornswaggle has been drafted to Smackdown and they were tight bros. Hornswaggle wants to wrestle tonight as a going away present(?). Then Natalya Neidhart comes out with some sweetboy who is seemingly wearing a Merkin on his head named Jason Kidd. They're like fuck this midget fool and then he bites Natalya on the ass. Speaking of Natalya's ass, it looks really big but I think it's more because she has stumpy ass legs, but still she probably has the biggest ass in *Diva* history. So then there is a commercial, and there is seriously a commercial every 4 minutes during this show and I don't know how people ever watch this shit.
SO yeah then a lady fights a little person and the little person wins because he is the one with the bigger handicap, for now at least.

commercial

Back from commercial and Natalya and Merkin are bitching to ummmm....some girl from porno, who I guess is the manager of ECW (?) and, I don't know, something. The porn girl is really bad at acting.
Then there's a RAW Recap but the only Raw Recap I need is from my man A.W. over at 6-3-94.blogspot.com. He was recently voted the Wrestling Observer's number one Raw Recapper.
Oh splendid, now a recap of the matches at the next PPV. ECW is like WWE: The Informercial.

Oh shit Evan Bourne is on his way to the ring, and I imagine this dude wrestles on ECW TV every week because he seems to be the only person people give a shit about out of all of these ECW scrubs. Who is he fighting? A COMMERCIAL!
Oh, He's fighting Paul Burchil who's a dude I remember seeing on RAW like a year or two ago once and then never again. He comes out with his "sister" (not sure if that's a shoot or not) and, man jaw aside, you wouldn't have to bend my arm to sleep with her, for real.
This is probably the longest non-main event match I've seen on WWE TV in 37 years. Evan Bourne is such a spritely fellow and he always looks like he's in pain, but simultaneously enjoying the pain. They do a lot of moves here, including Burchill slapping on the backside of his thighs to get the crowd pumped. That was weird. Bourne does the most awkward twisting rollup thing I've ever seen and it's amazing. These announcer guys are like the TMI announcers. No wonder internet slugs like them so much, they are like istening to two Aspie dudes call a wrestling match. SO yeah, Evan Bourne wins this match by doing a Shooting Star Press where he legit jumps 5000 feet into the air.

Before we go to commercial, there's a filmed promo for that Kozlov dude and ohhhh he's just in an alleyway minding his own punching glass bottles with his fists and I'm sure everyone watching at home is thinking, "Look at this fuckin' guy" because that's what I was thinking.

Now it's Kozlov vs. some local jobber. Haha, ECW has matches with local jobbers. This show is so weird. Well, Kozlov is the most pissed off looking dude ever and he murders this dude, but I think they need to give him some kind of finisher where he drops a dude on the neck to really put over that this dude is pissed off.

During the commercial break, there is a commercial for a website called onlinebootycall.com which is the most triflin' looking website I have seen advertised during wrestling since a couple weeks ago on Raw when they had a commercial for Ashleymadison.com

THE MAIN EVENT is a contract signing between Jack Swagger and Christian for a TITLE MATCH at the PPV. So the porn manager's name is "Tiffany". It's good she has such a unique and one of a kind name because she really sticks out. Jack Swagger looks like Christian if Christian drank some Mutagen. Speaking of Christian and Mutagen, I haven't seen dude in a while, but he definitely stopped taking his pro wrestler vitamins because he's a regular sized guy now. Swagger talks forever during this and it's hard to tell because of his gigantic Caveman brow, but he has a slight case of Biggie Smalls Eyes. Then it's Christian's turn to talk and he has some SNAPS. I know Christian is supposed to be the good guy but I hope Swagger fucks him up at the PPV. It is not cool to SNAP on a dude's speech problems. Well, they end up fighting a little like every contract signing ever. The end. I may watch this again, just to see what other weird scrub characters fight on ECW, but I'm not going to lose sleep if I forget this show exists in 5 minutes.

The Realest: Sara Del Ray (A Love Letter)

2009-04-21T13:52:00.003-04:00

First I'd like to say that the above video is not entirely mine. Some nerd on Youtube made the original version, but used some horrendous Walls of Jericho song as the background music. I merely replaced it with a beautiful song that is fitting for such a beautiful creature.

Anyway Sara, I assume you are reading this, because I assume most non-WWE wrestlers spend their off time Googling themselves to see if they got the internet goin' nuts, and speaking of the internet goin' nuts, that is exactly what 6/3/94 has the internet doing (goin' nuts), so we are no doubt one of your main bookmarks now. Well Sara, I recently checked your Myspace and it said you were single so you can't front on me and say you have a man, because why would you lie on your Myspace? You are always on the road wrestle fighting, so sadly, a long term thing wouldn't work out between us. All I'm asking is, next time you are in New York for.... whatever it is you wrestle for, let me take you out to Gray's Papaya, or maybe you want to get a little classy and we can go to Bubba Gump Shrimp in Time's Square. It doesn't matter to me, as long as I can get to know you. I promise I won't ask you any questions about "the boys in the back" or "bumps" or "highspots" because I don't give a shit about those things. All I give a shit about...is YOU. Just one date Sara, and maybe if things go well, I will buy you that sports bra you want on your Amazon Wish List.

...And when you feel cold, I'll warm you
And when you feel you can't go on, I'll come and hold you
It's you...
And me forever
Saraaaaa...... Smile
Won't you smile a while for me.....

Let me be your Boo Sara.

Your pal,
Contributor IV

PS. I'm not a fattie and I'm not retarded.

Our 1st Emails!

2009-04-21T00:49:00.001-04:00

So I’m another dude at this blog, but I don’t want to do shit but I want to help out in some manner. I used to fuck around internet wrestle dork style but drifted away after I got skeeved out by too many weird ass wrestling fans. Not the for-real retarded kind with the photo albums of all the autographed Polaroids they bought over the years, but those weird standard wrestling dork guys that all look like child molesters that have successfully completed 9 out of 12 steps and no longer are tempted to molest children. But it’s in there somewhere still.
Anyways, I’m gonna be the 6.3.94 ombudsman, which means you send your stupid comments or questions or concerns or legitimate gripes or whatever to that email address in the sidebar (or 6.3.94.mailslot@gmail.com), and I’ll handle that serious business. I can’t answer trivia and bullshit like that, nor impress you with any super-level wrestling dork illuminati intricacies (I’m not Jewish, thus not in the wrestling academia super inner-circle), but I’ll do my best to take care of your bullshit, maybe like once a week, or maybe even less as I’ve got a pretty steady access to a hydrocodone prescription lately so tend to watch a lot of Mexican trash cinema from one of those super spectacular 500 movie sets of old dumb shit you can buy at finer tiendas when you stop in for a Coke made with real sugar.
We got two emails already... well, actually we got four, but two of them were fucking stupid. But here’s the first two I felt like bothering with...

Hey guys,
I LOVE YOUR BLOGI'm just writing you to show my appreciation and to
tell you to PLEASE keep it going for the long runin other words, don't let it
die off anytime soonalot of blogs start off strong, then lose steam- PLEASE
DON'T LOSE STEAMalso, I don't write but i'm a long time smart mark who was a
worker (not stating that to put myself over-just stating it that i was "in the
business") and was wondering what i would have to do to be a
writerthanx
salvatore wrx

Salvatore,
First off, most people who are hardcore wrestling fans (as in “watch a lot of wrestling,” not as in “Man, my favorite is when Zandig hits that girl with a running push mower and then Tammy Sytch pins her and gets blood all over her tits”) are concealing some sort of sexual deficiency, probably even from themselves, so that’s not such a great thing. Secondly, people who do blogs are self-important assholes. So what you have here at 6.3.94 is a combination of people with repressed sexual dysfunction, which means they are apt to flip out and disappear as they immerse themselves in some separate gay assed sub-culture (anime or comic books or fantasy baseball hall of fames). But then you factor in the self-important asshole aspect, which invariably leads to the bloggot feeling like the world doesn’t understand his genius so he switches his whole thing around completely, to show you how much you didn’t understand him and his better-than-everybody-else’s opinions, because you’ll miss him when he’s gone (called “going coooey”).
What I’m saying is that’s a bad combo and means this shit will just as likely disappear entirely in six months as it is to be the greatest daily wrestling filter the internet ever saw. Hard to say. Plus, most of the contributors I actually know personally are weedheaded slack asses, and you can’t really count on people like that for shit except not returning DVDs they borrow.
As for contributing, there’s a small tight circle of sort of in-charge types who are the braintrust behind this, I guess. And I’m not sure right now whether the philosophy is going to be “let everyone on earth contribute and we’ll just delete the shitty ones,” or if you should just send contributions to the email address I gave you and I’ll pass it along if you’re not retarded sounding and shit will pop off from there.
And thanx you,
tha 6.3.94 ombudsman

Hey,
regarding PS Hayes being racist and shit, I’ve known that dude for like
two decades and lemme tell you, he ain’t racist. I know internet faggots know it
all, but PS is a cool dude down to earth and you can’t roll in g.a. like he did
forever and be no racist ass dude. plus I know he’s done loved bunches of nigger
girls since we’ve been cool. I know its all fun and bullshit but I wanted to let
you know the real deal on PS cause he gets a bad rap.
J.T.R.

J.T.R.,
It’s cool man. Michael Hayes is one of the good ones so far as I’m concerned, and always will be.
Daps,
tha 6.3.94 ombudsman

A Case of the Mondays (Fuck Office Space)

2009-04-21T00:00:00.004-04:00

Whee yay it's time for Monday Night Raw, my favorite show in the whole entire world!

Chris Jericho comes out in a pinstriped suit and is all like "Hey I'm a good guy it's you fans that are the jerks!" and they're all like "BOO!" and then some chingchong music plays and I was like "TAKA Michinoku?" But no, it was actually Ricky Steamboat who does an interesting thing where he says two words like they're one: Chrericho, for example. Chrericho wants to wrestle Ramboat at whatever the shit the next pay per view is called but then John Cena comes out and is all "Hey everyone I'm a good guy!" and then Ricky Steamboat accepts the match and John Cena is like "Oh hey Chris Jericho tonight I get to wrestle you!" and Jericho makes shifty eyes.
The hapless Chavo Guerrero comes out and I'm not gonna lie, I miss his promo because I went to get a lil snack ^_^. But I assume he said something really inflammatory because then Batista comes out and just squashes the hell out of Chavo. At this point, Chavo mewls out a sniveling apology to an absent Vickie Guerrero and gets powerbombed AGAIN but this time he holds onto the mic for the whole thing which was awesome. Batista's been back two weeks and I'm already so tired of him.
Backstage, Batista and Shane McMahon exchange some sexual tension.
TI Friday's loving superstar xCM Punkx and THE BIG RED MACHINE have a wrestling match wherein nothing much happens and then Charles Manson Punk rolls up Kane out of a chokeslam. It was the sloppiest and worst roll up ever but a win's a win I guess. Afterwards, Kane gives CM Punk a creepy smile.
With the stupidest and fakest unibrow imaginable, Santino comes out to interview his own sister about how she has herpes and can't kiss the Great Khali. Somehow, Beth Phoenix psychically predicted this turn of events and has made it so the Great Khali gets to kiss Santina on the whatever pay per view. Then Melina comes out to wrestle Beth Phoenix. Picture me giving a damn, I said never.
So after last week when the Miz and Kofi had the longest match ever and last night when Matt Morgan and Abyss had the longest match ever, John Cena and Chris Jericho had the longest match ever. The crucial difference was that this match did not suck. It went on and on and it was fun to watch and then shitty ass Edge showed up and ruined it and put a chair under Cena's head and then hit that chair with another chair. Remember when Edge debuted and he was a vampire? Well, he looked so much like a vampire tonight. He should have been wearing a velvet shirt with laces and been skulking around New Orleans, so vampiric was he.
Then I took a shower!
The Big Show shaking his head bemusedly at Rey Misterio is what I return to. And that mirthful contempt proved accurate as the Big Show rightfully treats the tiny Mexican like the jobber he is. Afterwards, the Big Show shows his acting chops by looking on in wrathful contempt. I don't know what the point of this was except to job Rey out to everyone. Oh, I almost forgot that Rey gave a 619 to Big Show's butt.
Then Randy Orton's boys were saying something and I will say this about every wrestler because it's true but it's especially true for Cody Rhodes: Dude needs to get on the gas. That is one scrawny ass dude and it's no fun looking at wrestlers who don't look like they might die any minute. Anyway Randy Orton said that he was awesome or something and the dudes agreed. I guess.
So the main event was HHH vs Randy Orton in a no disqualification match and it was a LOT better than their match at Wrestlemania. Stuff actually happened and they did moves and it was exciting. As it ended, all the guys in the upcoming six man came out and the faces had problems getting along and the heels snuck out a win and it just made sense. It was sensible! The good guys are kind of stupid and really over eager and the bad guys are nefarious and have intricate plots that involve eye raking and being arm in arm. There aren't even any real jokes to be made because it was just so like... there it was. An infinitely better show that last week which was the worst Raw in the history of the show.

Did You Guys Miss Me? A: I'm Sure!

2009-04-20T19:01:00.003-04:00

Hey everybooooody, it's me!

It's your host with mostest, Bobby Lashley! Wasn't that pay-per-view something? When Kurt Angle was so excited to see me I knew I made the right choice! I know some of you were disappointed I wasn't Taz but I ask you, and in all seriousness, why?

I myself was disappointed that Taz was not from Tasmania and he didn't spin around furiously in a circle when he went to the ring. Talk about buyer: beware!

I am glad that all you speculators have found out the truth and that I am not giving up my dream to be in Mumma and that I am training like Jon Hamm (get it? MAD MAN!) to fight in the real world!

I'd also like to clarify the rumors that I am on the juice? A: Sure! I'm on the juice....kick! That's right, me and my darling Kristal have opened a smoothie chain!

I have asked my friend Paul Heyman, who is super duper good at hiding weaknesses and accentuating strengths, for advice to run the smoothie.

He suggested that we capitalize on the vampire phenomenon and make one of our drinks blood-red. He also suggested that Humberto, our juicemaker, to never face the customers, for his eczema will hurt our business. Thanks Paul!

Now, it seems to me that a bunch of other pro wrestlers are jumping on the Mumma bandwagon and have decided to train in meeky freeky mixed martial arts. American Dragon Bryan Danielson is one of them. Let me tell you, brother, you're in for a world of hurt. Firstly you start missing your friends like TGK (The Great Khali for all you marks). One time I had the pleasure of watching him bang a rat and let me tell you was it a blast! His thingy looked like Joe Camel was vomiting horchata! At least he has a new manager, the bassist from No Doubt. It's a match made in heaven because that guy wrote the song "Don't Speak", right? lOLOL

Secondly, it's OUCH CITY when they hit you for real! I'm used to it now and your DNA starts flowing like the Titanic (It makes me feel alive!) but let me tell you the first time it's like if Reality wrote a check to Bobby "Blastmaster" Lashley (Get it? REALITY CHECK!). After one training, I had an booboo that looked like the bumpies on Kristal's poontang!

But there are perks, like not working with Vince McMahon and JBL and those mean dudes! American Bryan let me tell you I wish you the best of luck!

I am looking forward to working with TNA because they give me the freedom to do the real world fighting and it's the best of both worlds. But let me tell you right now Jeff Jarrett I will be ready to take you down and all my little Lashley Kids will have my back you bet your ass! Same goes to Bob Sapp. There can only be one Bobby in the universe! And who will it be? A: That's ME!!

TNA LOCKDOWN BRO

2009-04-20T00:28:00.007-04:00

M: Hi we are Mike and Andrew and we decided to watch the TNA Lockdown
PPV together and I can promise you it will never happen again. Here is
our match by match expert analysis:

OPENING DARK MATCH: ERIC 'EY' YOUNG vs. DANNY BONADUCE

M: Danny Bonaduce is a 75 year old former child actor and he is already at least the 5th best TNA wrestler. He is most definitely on shoot steroids and brings NUNCHUCKAHS to the ring as if this were
still the 1980's and people were still pumped on Michael Dudikoff''s blockbuster movie series, American Ninja.. OH this would be a good time to mention that every single one of these matches takes place inside of a steel cage and most of them have confusing rules, but the only rule to this match is that there are no rules and that Danny Bonaduce isn't a real wrestler and before the match in his pre-fight nterview he said he's been "practicing taking bumps" which is totally
DISRESPECTING THE BIZ. Anyway, these two guys fight and Eric Young wins and then Rhino comes in and gores Danny Bonaduce for no real reason I guess. THis was probably still like the 3rd best match of the
night.

A: Danny Bonaduce promised to bleed but he didn't which I guess makes him a heel. He was definitely the dude I was most into in terms of just like YEAH GO FOR IT BRO so of course he lost. Then he choked whoever the hell with the nunchuks before Rhino seriously gored the living hell out of him. Bonaduce was the star of this entire show.
At this point the best thing in the history of wrestling happened. So the theme song for this PPV was Bullet With Butterfly Wings and the TNA Voiceover Man is talking all about how this is the show that will separate legends from gods or whatever when all of a sudden
BILLY CORGAN IN A DRUID'S ROBE does a slam poetry recitation of the first few lines of Bullet With Butterfly Wings but changes the line to be like "Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a six sided steel cage of fury."

TNA X DIVISION 5 WAY SOMETHING OR OTHER TITLE MATCH: SUICIDE (c) vs.
SHIEK ABDUL JABAR vs. BLACK MACHO MAN vs. CONSEQUENCES CREED vs. A
JAPANESE GUY

M. This match had some really awesome rules where the two black guyswere on a team together, and the japanesey and Persian were on a team together but Suicide was ON NO ONES TEAM, and at first you had to pin a guy to get him eliminated but then when there were only two guys you had to escape the cage, and whoever won became THE CHAMP! So Suicide is cool because he wears a costume that looks like the Hot Wheels logo and it just says SUICIDE on his chest as if he was wearing his own Halloween costume.. This match is whatever and then it comes down to SUICIDE and THE SHIEK and this is where we find out The Shieks
finisher is called, no shit, THE W.M.D.D.T. Anyway, Suicide ends up winning somehow. This didn't suck but it sure was confusing and stupid.

A: I don't really remember any of this except that the black guy who isn't Macho Man has a really weird gimmick. I've never seen any Rocky movies but I imagine that he is working like Rocky's comical black friend. Did Rocky have a goofy patriotic black friend? If he did, he was in this match. When this match ended, Suicide jumped off the cage onto the Arab and a bunch of security guys, I think. Apparently Suicide is still Christopher Daniels which means TNA literally doesn't know of any other skinny guys who can jump around and so he had to work two matches on this show.

4-WAY SHOOT SLUT QUEEN OF THE CAGE MATCH: ODB vs. DAFFNEY vs. SOJOURNER SOMETHING vs. ANOTHER GIRL!

M: ODB is the best wrestler, but Daffney is close to being the best. ODB has like the giantest fake tits ever. I am so curious to see her naked just to see if I would be aroused or afraid. It's up to my pants to decide.Everything ODB does is some kind of obscene gesture so she's like a human Garbage Pail Kid. She is so awesome. Daffney is pretty awesome too, but alas ODB wins where she does some kind of obscene pin.

A: ODB was in trouble at one point but then my main man Cody Deaner poured that mysterious liquid from the flask into her mouth and she remembered to slam her own titties and flash her vagina around like a cat in estrus and she won by means of putting her crotch on someone's face. I think our conclusion was that we'd party with ODB and Daffney if she's into it.

IWGP JR TAG CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: THE POP PUNK MACHINE GUNS (c) vs. HOMICIDE & HERNANDEZ HELLA THUGGIN vs. TEAM NO LIMIT JAPAN

M: The Pop Punk team has the belts and they are the tiniest cutest little champion belts ever. They are just like big ironic hipster belt buckles. The Japanese team comes out to the most racist music ever. It's just tikka ting ting ching ching chong chingy chong chong. This was the only match that could kind of be described as "awesome" just because the big Mexican Hernandez was straight up picking dudes up by the neck and suplexing them into cages and shit. None the less, the Pop Punk team pulls this one out with some kind of crazy top rope twisting powerbomb piledriver. Cool!

A: Yeah this was the only actually good match. Homicide is probably the most authentically G wrestler aside from the Brisco Brothers but I don't remember him doing anything. I mostly remember the Myspace Boyz getting thrown around by Hernandez who I was convinced was at least 9 feet tall and 2000 pounds during this match. Then I looked him up on wikipedia and he's only billed as being 6'2 which means he's probably like 5'6. "Fuck my life" as the kids are saying.

DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD MATCH: ABYSS vs. MATT MORGAN

M: Hahahah, this match is really called The Doomsday Chamber of Blood match. The rule here is that you have to bleed first and then you are allowed to be pinned. This was basically the worst match in the history of wrestling up until the Sting vs. Cactus Jack match. Abyss looks like a shitty create a wrestler from the WWF Attitude video game and he is the worst "scary monster" character ever. It's funny when fruits on the internet are like "WELL WHAT IF THE WWE SIGNS ABYSS" Like the WWE is just licking their chops at the prospect of signing some fat out of shape guy with a shitty tribal tat who's only 6' 2" but pretend to be 6'8" and is just a shitty budget version of Kane.These dudes bleed a little, and Abyss has all of these tiny bags of Horror that have broken glass and thumbtacks in them. I have seen about 3 Abyss matches prior to this and they all end with Abyss being slammed into thumbtacks and pinned, and this one was no different.

A: This match never stopped going. I guess the deal was like Abyss is trying to stop being violent or something so he wanted to win this match honorably and without the use of plunder. He still cracked a piece of glass on Matt Morgan's head but I guess that didn't count. Then Stevie Richards came out and was really mad at Abyss for succumbing to his violent urges and sort of pitterpattered on Abyss's back with his tiny little hands until Matt Morgan threw Abyss into the thumbtacks. This was seriously like a three hour long match.

(brief intermisson: Andrew went to go pee or something, and he missed when Borash briefly interviewed Samoa Joe who was dressed like Razor Ramon Hard Gays fat cousin. Samoa Joe is such a fat piece of shit)

THREE WAY LADY CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: AWESOME KONG (c) (w/ sexy Ninja
Sidekick) vs. ATHLETIC GIRL vs. GIRL WHO IS NOT AFRAID TO SHOW OFF THOSE RUDE TITTIES

M: This is where I decide all of these matchs were booked like when I play Fire Pro and just make matches with the dumbest fucking rules I can think of. All of these matches are set to GRUESOME mode it seems, with pins enabled. If I were really in charge, they'd also be
exploding ring matches, but maybe that will be at the next Lockdown PPV.
So Awesome Kong is probably my favorite TNA wrestler just because she's a fat pissed off black lady and that's the best gimmick. Awesome Kong tries this somersault splash and it is gully like a mug but it does not hit. If it hit this would have been the best match ever because the girl who have been nothing more than a splat mark on the ring. At one point they tie Awesome Kong to the cage by her hair extensions and then the Athletic girl hits the girl with the Rude Titties with a splash from the top rope and Rude Titties girl is hurt FOR REAL. Then they do some rollup ending and it all looks bad and shitty and now the girl with the Rude Titties is your new TNA lady champion.

A: Don West here was a heel by saying that the faces shouldn't cheat against the heel. "Reasonable" Don West.

TAG TITLE VS TAG TITLE KILLADELPHIA STREET FIGHT: TEAM 3D (The Dudleys) (IWGP CHAMPS vs. TEAM BEER (TNA CHAMPS)

M: This match is so good because they spend 15 minutes building up how fucking CRAZY and OFF THE HOOK the Philadelphia crowd is, and then the match starts and it's just ::cricket chirp cricket chirp::. But Don West and Mke Tenay both acted like people gave a shit. This was like a
pretty bad Dudleys ECW match and they did the spot where you would expect them to set a table on fire and 3D Balls Mahoney through it but alas this is TNA and there is no fire. The Dudleys beat Team Beer and now they are double champions. The crowd did not give a shit one bit.

A: There was some good stuff in this match because I like D-Von a lot. Also there was some part where one of Beer Money wanted to jump on Bubba but he rolled a little bit and the guy missed. Then the other guy wanted to jump, and Bubba rolled AGAIN! So Bubba basically single-handedly eliminated both of Beer Money by virtue of rolling a little bit. Mike Tenay acted like he couldn't hear Don West over the roar of the crowd which was cute.

FAKE WAR GAMES CHAMBER MATCH: MAIN EVENT MAFIA (Steiner, Nash, Booker T, Angle) vs. TEAM JARRETT (Jarrett, Styles, Chris Daniels, Fatso Samoa Joe)

M: This match had some rule where guys enter in one by one after a certain amount of time and then once everyone is in, a roof comes down and theres weapons on it. This match sucked a dick. Samoa Joe is like the fattest most out of shape wrestler ever. The match was highlighted by AJ Styles Jumping down from the top of the cage into the ring for no reason and no one caught him. It was awesome and highly stupid. Then someone pinned Booker T real anti-climatically. THEN OH NO THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND ITS HOLY SHIT BOBBY LASHLEY, and everyone including the announcers and the wrestlers and the entire crowd looks at him like "What the fuck??? Big fucking deal" so yeah.

A: I remember when Scott Steiner came out I was like "OH HELL YEAH SCOTT STEINER!" just because I desperately wanted to be excited for something on this show and I thought I could fake myself into thinking Scott Steiner is cool in 2009. He did a frankensteiner so maybe he could sense that thousands of miles away, one guy in California still believed in him. Remember when Christopher Daniels was the KING OF THE INDIES and now he is like the seventh best guy in a match that features both Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett?
The story here was that Jeff Jarrett was maybe going to go for the Main Event Mafia because he ruled impartially on Thursday and so no one could trust him. So AJ Styles and Booker T were kinda staggering around like bums and who was Jarrett going to hit? Oh it was Booker T. Then Bobby Lashley showed up looking pretty well dressed and Kurt Angle was like YES YES! and the good guys were like OH NO! So my guess is that Bobby Lashley ends up being a good guy and beats up Kurt Angle a little bit on free TV and then goes away forever.

TNA TITLE MATCH: CACTUS JACK vs. STING (c)

M: So after every single gimmick match ever they finish the ppv with a regular boring cage match. This was seriously the worst match that has ever taken place in a wrestling ring, despite how many sides said ring had. This was like when I accidentally put on AWA classics and it's
just two fat out of shape guys hugging and chopping each other for a half hour until one of them does a body slams and pins the guy. The only difference is Sting was lazier than any fat AWA guy and he basically just laid down on the ground for the whole match. Then all of a sudden at the end they both decided to randomly climb out of the cage at the same time and Cactus Jack beats Sting.

A: Sting was afraid he was going to break a hip or something so he really did just lay down the whole time while Cactus Jack would lean up against the cage and bleed. Then he tried to crawl out through a tiny hole in the cage. And he demanded the barbed wire bat be handed to him and it was, but not handle first. So he had to sort of gingerly hold the end of the bat between two fingers.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

M: This was more or less the worst shit imaginable. Fuck you TNA. I almost considered quitting this blog because of this but I surely quit ever watching TNA again. Thanks a lot.

A: I'm not mad, TNA. I'm just disappointed. Impact was so not terrible on Thursday that I thought, I hoped against hope, that this wouldn't just be terrible. I don't wanna get all SMART MARK *Brian Pillman voice* but when every single match is in a steel cage, it sort of makes the fact that it's in a steel cage seem less exciting. Fuck you TNA.

Mat Rats: Getting Mom and Dad's Permission Was Only HALF the Job

2009-04-19T20:50:00.003-04:00

What you are about to read is the result of years and years of my time, effort, tears and parents money. I decided to forgo college, a social life and a career so that I could one day bring to you the untold story of a truly revolutionary movement in professional wrestling. This is a written retrospective about things that should have been.

A decade ago a wrestling promotion dared to make its youngest viewers dream. They encouraged them to emulate their heroes. They told the children watching their show that they SHOULD try this at home. That promotion was Mat Rats, the result of the collective genius of Eric Bischoff and his B.F.F. Jason Hervey. Mat Rats was not all that different from their contemporaries at the time. They ran house shows. They had a weekly televised show. They even nearly managed to break into the lucrative pay per view market. They even managed to raise the ire of their main adversary: Vincent Kennedy McMahon. What set Mat Rats apart from the rest was the fact that their warriors were mere children. This was not your father's pro wrestling. It wasn't even your older cousin's pro wrestling. This was pro wrestling in it's simplest form. Eric Bischoff had a goal, and Mat Rats was going to be the vessel by which he achieved it.

HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

Eric Bischoff had been to the top of the mountain. He had drank from the golden chalice. He had done something no one else ever had: He put Vince McMahon on the defensive. Then it all fell apart. "I had recently lost out on my chance to purchase WCW," Bisch says as he nurses a glass of Crown Royal on the rocks. "You have to understand something. I had literally gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. Penthouse to shit house. Riches to rags. Any analogy you can think of. I remember sitting in a hotel room one night with Herv (Jason Hervey) and we're both pretty down. I mean, our dream had just fizzled right in front of our eyes. I'll be perfectly honest with you, I was suicidal. I had this vision, this dream, and it was dead." The funny thing about dreams is that they don't always end when we think they do. "So, like I said, I was drinking with Jason, and we are both REALLY shit faced. He kept going on and on about how we needed to find out what was going to be the future of wrestling and we had to control it. Over and over, all night long. Finally I had heard enough and was about to slap the piss out of him when it clicked. My head popped up and I said 'I got it!' Herv just sat there, looking dumb. Then I said 'The best way to control the future of wrestling is to control the future OF the future of wrestling!' Herv was lost at this point so I spelled it out for him. We were going to start another wrestling promotion, and we were going to use CHILDREN as the performers. At this point Jason had gone into the other room to watch a stripper going down on my wife, so I grabbed a pen and paper and went to work." And work he did. For the next two weeks Bischoff worked the phones, lining up agents, sponsors, venues and such. A grass roots effort by his family and friends working as the Mat Rats street team helped spread the word about this new promotion by passing out fliers at local Chuck E. Cheese's, Toys 'R Us, and skate parks. Bischoff had lined up nearly everything except the one thing that mattered: He still needed wrestlers. Enter Pat Patterson.

"When I heard that Eric was starting out on his own again I laughed a good one," Patterson recalls in his heavy French Canadian accent. "Then I heard he was building this promotion on kids. 10 minutes later I handed Vince McMahon my letter of resignation. I wasn't the only one. Terry Garvin left with me. Jerry Lawler too. Chris Kanyon, Ricky Morton and Raven signed on as agents." Patterson had a seemingly unnatural desire to see Mat Rats blossom to maturity. He poured every inch of his being into getting things off the ground. "I took out some TV ads down in Orlando. I turned my house into Uncle Pat's Dojo. If you had a desire to become a pro wrestler, a permission slip signed by your parents and $3,000 you could live in my house and I would teach you the ways of the mat. Our first class consisted of only one applicant, but by God, he was the best wrestler I would ever train." That wrestler's name was Jack Evans.

HOOD RATS TO MAT RATS TO RING RATS

Jack Evans is a man conflicted. As I interviewed him I could tell he had a certain uneasiness about him. He sat in his seat in a Tijuana gutter bar, smoking a joint as he looked up to the ceiling. The product of a broken home, Jack walked the streets during his formative years. "When I was a little boy my momma used to tell me some crazy things. She told me that my father was an evil man. She told me that he hated me. Once I got a little bit older I realized that she was the crazy one. There was nothing I could say or do that could change that, cuz that's just the way she was." Jack doesn't like to talk about his youth, and yet here he is, spilling his guts to the IWC's foremost reporter. He is a man on the run. On the run from his past. On the run from the law. And in some regards, on the run from the truth. "I fucked up, man. I fucked up big time." Jack doesn't live in Mexico because he likes it. He lives here because for the next 3 and a half years he isn't welcome in his native U.S. but we'll get to that soon enough. "I had no supervision when I was a kid. My mom would be out gettin' her fuck on with some shit head. I used to stay out till like 3AM on school nights. My mom didn't give a shit. As long as I locked the door when I left, she didn't care where I was. I never had to answer for anything I ever did." This lack of accountability would become the theme of his life. Spare the rod, spoil the child. "I was part of a street gang. We were hardcore for our age. Sticking up white boys for Starter jackets on basketball courts. We were the gang to be with. Then I started slinging weed. It was the best thing ever. I made so much cheddar that I dropped out in 7th grade. I was 12 years old with a $50,000 car. I was the shit." This is where the timeline gets hazy. Jack doesn't have any more tales about his street days or how his drug dealing days came to an end. "One night I was watching TV and I saw a commercial spot for Uncle Pat's Dojo. I had a trampoline and a pool with a diving board, so I figured I'd give this wrestling shit a shot. I called the toll free number and three days later the application showed up in the mail. I forged my mom's signature and I was on my way to Florida."

"I remember seeing him walk out of the jet way and I'm thinking 'This is it? This is the guy I'm supposed to teach how to wrestle?' He was like 5'6 and maybe 130 lbs. I like them to be a little bigger than that. But Jack Evans would soon teach me that size doesn't matter." Patterson is practically beaming about his prize student, all these years later. "But from the moment I met Jack we connected. He was this soft, supple lump of clay that I was going to mold with my calloused hands. He had a genuine thirst for this business, and I was going to use every inch of my 4 decades in this business to quench that thirst."

Eric Bischoff wasn't very impressed with Jack, either. "I didn't think very much of Jack Evans when I first saw him. He wasn't very big. He didn't have an amateur background. He wasn't even a wrestling fan. He was this kid who had the money and desire to be a star. I even told him I was going to give him his money back and get him on a flight back home. That's when Pat stepped in."

"I told Eric 'If the boy is going to fail, let him fail. If you send him home now he learns nothing'. Eric said 'Pat, you watch him like a hawk. I don't want him to so much as shit without you knowing about it'. So he moved into the dojo, and the rest is history." Well, sort of. What happens over the course of this story is very much "history", but this is the first time much of it has made it itself known to the masses. "So I trained Jack in the arts of mat wrestling and submission grappling. More than that, I taught him how to be a man and how to deal with unspeakable pain." Evans was a quick study. Within weeks it was obvious that he was going to be something big. But one wrestler, no matter how great, can not carry a wrestling promotion alone.

A PAIR OF HARTS

"We needed more wrestlers, to put it bluntly. Pat had spent so much time teaching Jack the ropes that he had neglected to bring in anyone else. So we decided to start up Uncle Pat's Wrestling Camp. For $1500 parents could send their boys to live at Uncle Pat's Dojo for the summer and learn the wrestling trade. It was a tremendous deal. The applications were pouring in. It got to the point where we had to literally had to start turning kids away, much to Pat's dismay. Pat has such a passion for teaching young kids about wrestling and about life in general that it literally tore him up to tell kids that there was no more room at the inn."

"We had them sleeping on the floors, sleeping on cots. I had to build a bunkhouse just to make more room. It got to the point where some of them were sleeping in my room with me! Nothing but young boys as far as the eye could see. It was tremendous," Patterson says with a laugh. News of Uncle Pat's Dojo quickly spread among the wrestling community. Soon two young men with famous relatives in professional wrestling would make their way down to Florida. Teddy Hart and Harry Smith were the next generation of the Hart family legacy, and they weren't content to wait for adulthood to become pro wrestlers. They arrived in Florida and met Jack Evans. The wrestling world would never be the same.

"Harry and Teddy were fucking crazy. Fucking crazy." In Hart and Smith, Jack had finally met his running mates. The three formed a core and became fast friends. "The one thing I have learned about wrestling is that you need friends. Harry and Ted were... are my best friends. I could just look at them and know what they were thinking. They were crazy mother fuckers." Smith is currently under WWE contract and could not be reached for comment. Teddy Hart is currently bound by a gag order from commenting. "The worst thing about being the best at what you do is that there is always someone looking to shit in your Cheerios, literally and figuratively. Ted and Harry had my back."

SHOWTIME!

By now Mat Rats had nearly two dozen young men under contract. Now all they had to do was run a show. The Lionel Tate story was still fresh in the minds of many Floridians, so pro wrestling wasn't received very warmly. Pro wrestling with children was down right taboo.

"We had some definite hurdles to clear before we could run our first event. The community in general was not too keen on the concept of our product. We did all the local TV and radio talk shows to try and quell peoples fears, but seeing is believing. We needed to run a show to prove everyone wrong."

Enter local business man Luigi Barnello. Luigi owned several "Discovery Zone" indoor playgrounds through out Florida. When he heard that there was a pro wrestling company featuring kids looking for a venue he stepped up first to offer his.

"I was a big fan of the wrestling. I hear about this idea and I figure 'Yeah, sure, this could work'. My poppa used to take me to the wrestling when I was a kid, so maybe this could be the next big thing, you know?"

They had the backstage crew. They had the roster. They had the venue. Now all they needed were characters. This presented to be a much larger problem than anticipated.

"The one thing you have to keep in mind is that Mat Rats was sports entertainment performed by children and was being marketed directly at children," explains Bischoff. "That somewhat limits what you can get away with in terms of story lines and gimmicks and all that. The P.T.C. is always one tasteless gimmick or angle away from making our lives complete shit. We had a very fine line to walk, and I think for the most part we did just fine. Were they the best gimmicks ever? No. Where the worst ever? No. They were OK." Not everyone shares his point of view.

"Those gimmicks in the early going were complete shit. A fucking embarrassment," scoffs Pat Patterson. "They made some of the shit Vince was doing at the time look brilliant by comparison." He is not alone.

"When we first got rolling the story lines and gimmicks were fucking stupid," recalls Evans. "I told Eric that to his face. I walked in there for the first show and he hands me a fucking monkey mask and says 'Here ya go! You're going to be SPOT THE MONKEY!' I was like 'You fucking with me?' Dude was dead ass serious. For the first couple of months we were in business I was Spot the fucking Monkey. I hated myself and wanted to die."

Bischoff still claims that while the ideas did not work, they were founded on firm logic. "The biggest mistake I ever made in WCW was unmasking the luchadors. A high flying guy with a mask and a secret identity, they were like super heroes. I could have sold tons of those masks. I am smart enought to see where I failed in the past and learn from those failures. Mat Rats needed to move a ton of merchandise to work. Our margin for error was razor thin. We needed a breakout star. We needed that guy who could move t-shirts and masks and posters. Jack was our best worker, but he just was so bland and vanilla. I figured if we put him under a mask it would hide his negatives while accentuating his positives. We needed Jack Evans to be Spot the Monkey."

The first show was performed in front of 30 people, nearly all of whom were family or friends of the performers. Before the show Bischoff could feel the tension in the air and see it on the faces of the kids. He called the troops together for a pre show pep talk.

"I basically laid everything out for them in simple terms. We were about to take a huge risk. We were setting foot on Vince McMahon's playground and that he would likely not take too kindly to it. This was going to ultimately lead to war. I then told them that I believed in them and I knew they had the will to succeed." Evans remembers things differently.

"5 minutes before the first match Eric has us all backstage and he starts crying and shit. Crying like a bitch. He was going on and on about how he had sank every last dime he had into Mat Rats and that we had to make this work or else he would hunt us down and kill us. For reals. He showed us the knife."

The first show, lightly attended as it was, went off without a hitch. The under card was solid, and Teddy Hart and Spot the Monkey tore the house down with a 60 minute Broadway in the main event. While the debut show was not a financial success it was something to build on.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION!

The first 6 months saw Mat Rats grow from a fledgling company with no fan base to a well promoted regional promotion whose fan base was growing by the day. Running shows at Discovery Zones around Florida was a great deal for the promotion. Luigi Barnello did all the advertising for the shows and received 15% of the gate as a way of reimbursement.

"It was a great deal. I wasn't going to get rich off of these shows, but it gave the kids something to do, you know? Keep 'em off of the drugs and whatnot. I just got a kick out of watching them have fun. It was a good thing. We were all happy doing the DZ house shows 3 or 4 times a week. We never wanted to get a TV deal. But one day a guy came up to me and made me an offer I couldn't refuse." That man was local TV sports caster Chance Morgan.

"I discovered Mat Rats on accident. I was taking my kid to Discovery Zone for my weekend visitation and we walked in and there was all this commotion going on. Kids were in a wrestling ring, flying around. It was amazing. I had never seen anything like it before. The station I was working at was looking for something new to air on Saturday mornings after cartoons were over. I tracked down the owner of the venue and told him I would be willing to bankroll their production costs if they could give me 1 hour of fresh, live TV each week to air on my station. We were in business." Just like that, Mat Rats After School Special was born. Bischoff's plan was working out faster than he could have ever imagined.

"Not even a year in and we're already on TV. Things could have not been any better. No way. Then I get a phone call from the owner of the TV station. He loved the show so much that he wanted to move it Mondays after school. This was the dream time slot for us. We couldn't compete with the WWE head to head. For one, Monday is a school night. Most of our audience would be in bed before the show aired. Prime time was a no-go for us. The after school time slot, that was like our Holy Grail. It was the Cadillac of time slots for a kid centric show. Now we had that time slot in our home market. All we needed was for the surrounding markets to do the same thing. Syndication was the only way we could compete." Not everything was going well. Jack Evans had grown so weary of being Spot the Monkey that he was acting up backstage. Finally, after no-showing an autograph signing, Bischoff gave in. "I had finally had as much of Jack's bullshit that I could handle. He didn't want to be Spot the Monkey anymore. He thought the gimmick was lame and outdated. I thought he was doing just fine but Jack felt otherwise. So after months and months of him acting like an idiot I finally said 'FINE, YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE MONKEY? COME UP WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING GIMMICK'. He handed me a video tape of an Eminem video and said 'I want to do this. I want to be a fly ass white dude'. I had no clue what that meant, but at that moment I was so sick of Jack that I gave him what he wanted. It was the best decision I ever made."

MAT RATS COMES OF AGE

The fans were coming to the shows. They were watching the shows. They were buying the merchandise. Things were going great, but the fans were becoming more and more demanding. The WWE was flying high with it's combination of scantily clad women and potty humor. Bischoff was growing more and more anxious with each step Mat Rats took and wanted to speed things up. "I was pleased with the shows, but I wanted more. I wanted to beat Vince McMahon at his own game. In order to do that we needed story lines that our fans could connect with. We did an angle where one of our wrestlers mommy and daddy got divorced. We did an angle where one of the kids was grounded for not doing his homework. These were good story lines, but if we wanted Mat Rats to grow up we needed to make the audience grow up too. We needed to move things in a more adult oriented direction."

"The first time I got to wrestle without that damned monkey mask was so liberating. In the middle of the match I busted out some old break dancing moves and the crowd was eating it up. I went out there, had a great match and got to the back and Eric had this huge smile on his face. He said 'Jack, you are going to be the future of wrestling!' I was way stoked. Then he said 'We want to do an angle where you get molested!' and I was like 'WHAT?' Eric thought it would be the best thing ever. I was like 'HELL NAH' but he kept pushing me and pushing me. Finally Teddy got up and said 'Fuck it, Eric, I'll do it'. That's the sign of a real friend, right there." Evans rolls another joint as he tells me this. "I've always been in wrestling for the wrestling. I didn't want to be part of some stupid shit like this." Bischoff was convinced that the idea was a winner.

"If you are trying to be raw and edgy you have to incorporate some real life scenarios into your programming. What kid out there isn't afraid of getting molested? I have never met a kid who wasn't scared shit less by the thought of getting molested. This was a storyline custom made for Jack. I'm still sad that he passed it off on Teddy. Jack could have shined in this role." In order to get Teddy into character Bischoff arranged for him to spend the day around a group of convicted sex offenders. This was supposed to be a supervised visit where Teddy would not be in any danger. This is where the story of Mat Rats begins to unravel.

FALL FROM GRACE

Bischoff has a hard time telling me what happens next. He has to order another drink and down to compose himself. "I never meant for anything bad to happen to Ted. I made arrangements for Teddy to spend some time with this group of convicted sex offenders in a local state prison. I was given every guarantee that Teddy would be safe. I..." Bischoff's mind wanders for a minute, as if he is stuck in a long passed moment. He snaps out of it and finishes. "I still don't know what happened that day. All I know is that those guards failed Teddy and his family that day."

The day he is refering to is the day Teddy Hart entered the Lake County Correctional Facility. Teddy was going to be a junior officer that day and was going to follow corrections officer Mike Hunt around that day. After lunch Officer Hunt had arranged for Teddy to have a meeting with 6 of the most vile, disgusting sexual deviants imaginable. When the time for the meeting came Officer Hunt lead Teddy to the library where the men he was to study were waiting for him. Teddy was asking these men questions about what drove them to commit the heinous crimes they commited. While asking these questions Officer Hunt was taken by surprise and fatally stabbed by a homemade shank one of the prisoners had fashioned from a toothbrush. Another prisoner locked and barricaded the doors. Teddy was no longer safe. He tried to evade his captors as long as he could, but a 14 year old can only hold off grown men for so long. What happened next was without a doubt the longest 5 hours of Teddy Hart's life.

"They raped him. They raped the hell out of that poor kid. Then they held him hostage. This was all over the news. People wanted to know what in the hell a kid was doing surrounded by hardened sex offenders. Then people found out that he was researching a character for a wrestling show. The press had a field day. My wife had to pull our kids out of public school because we were getting death threats. I was the biggest asshole of all time. People wanted me dead. After that, I just lost the will to succeed." Bischoff now has tears in his eyes. "Teddy did nothing to deserve that. If anyone should have been raped, it should have been me." SWAT officers eventually freed Hart, but for a young boy who had been repeatedly raped for hours and hours, it was too little too late. Hart would later successfully sue the Florida Department of Corrections and receive a settlement in the high 7 digits. But no amount of dignity could replace the innocence that young Teddy had taken from him that day.

"I remember sitting at home and getting a phone call from Eric. He told me that something had gone wrong with Teddy's visit to prison and that he had been raped. I just hung up the phone. I couldn't talk. I went to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels and started drinking."

Eric Bischoff's nightmare day was about to get worse. Much, much worse.

THE LIE, EXPOSED

Jack Evans got drunk that night. He grabbed the keys to Pat Patterson's Mazda Miata and took off. About three miles down the road a state trooper pulled him over. Jack failed a field sobriety test and was taken to jail. This was another black eye for the promotion. What came next would turn out to be the killing blow: Jack Evans was really 37 years old.

"How the hell did that happen?" recalls Patterson, as confounded today as he was the day it happened. "How did we let this MAN get in here? How did we get worked by a con artist? It was the ultimate betrayal. I loved him like a son and he stabbed me in the ass." Patterson has not spoken to Evans in some time and most likely never will again. "I will never forgive him. I can't. It still hurts so bad." Bischoff was equally thrown for a loss when he received word that his top star was in fact a grown man.

"I dropped the phone. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The fact that Jack lied about his age and forged his documents was disgusting. What was even more disgusting was the fact we all knew that Jack had an ongoing sexual relationship with our 14 year old female ring announcer."

That was statutory rape, and Jack Evans was a statutory rapist.

"Right then I knew it was over. I knew Mat Rats was dead in the water." The tears are flowing down Bischoff's face. " There was no way we could survive this. Right then I called everyone involved with the company and told them what had happened and that I was glad to work with them but it was over. We never ran another show again. My miscalculation and Jack Evan's deception had ruined the hard work of so many people. I still feel bad about it. Mat Rats should have been the future of the future of wrestling. I let a lot of people down."

EPILOUGE

At this point Bischoff shakes my hand and tells me that he can't talk about this any further. I tell him I understand and thank him for his time. He walks away, visibly shaken. Pat Patterson's response to the death of Mat Rats was to go back to the welcome arms of Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Jack Evans did what every other drug taking, alcoholic, statutory rapist professional wrestler does when faced with the law: He ran off to Mexico and became a huge star. He knows exactly how many days he has left until the statute of limitations runs out and he is free to return to America. What he doesn't know is if that is what he wants to do.

"I kinda got it made down here. Teddy is down here. I got my best friend, I got weed, I got pills, I got all the pussy I could ever want. Why would I go back to America?"

That is the tale of Mat Rats. Getting mom and dad's permission was only HALF the job. The other half? Bleeding, of course.

-H.G.

Board of It All #1: Stormfront

2009-04-19T17:31:00.004-04:00

I'm not 100% sure if you'd noticed, but there seems to be an ongoing theme on 6-3-94 with regards to the bashing of wrestling message board posters. If they're not being decried as aspie shut-in rubes with a fetish for hairless Japanese men, then it's being pointed out that there's photos of them on the internet engaging in a threesome with what appears to be the Peter Pan Guy and Mama Cass. I can't help but feel that's a little harsh. There's plenty of intelligent debate taking place on grappling forums the length and the breadth of the internet. So we'd like to take a little time to showcase the professional wrestling discussion on some of the phpbb2s you're not currently clocking. First up: Stormfront: White Pride World Wide.

Stormfront posters are an inquisitive bunch of nothing else, and are certainly more prepared to ask questions than the average IWC contributor. For instance, Pomeranian wonders "what kind of ethnicity do you think each the wrestlers are", noticing that Mark Henry and Big Daddy V are "negroes obviously", but being confused on the 619er: "Ray Mysterio is what - Mexican? (As so is Vicky Herrera and her brother?) ". He's clearly a more perceptive individual than KeepBritainWhite, who asks "Could someone tell me the ethnicity of Papa Shango??". If anyone can help KBW with working out if Papa Shango was black or white, let us know in the comment box.

Don't think white nationalists will restore your faith in the IWC though. As fun as it is to see some guy going by the sobriquet of MixedMartialArts admit he "Used to watch it when WCW and WWF were the main things... Occasionally watch it, but after seeing MMA I can hardly stomach the poorly scripted "fights" they have" (MixedMartialArts then presumably left his keyboard to return to remiscing about that time he mashed a banana in a girlfriend's hair), they have exactly the same concerns as your common-or-garden wrestling message boarder. Check out francaisetifer, who terms himself "50% FRENCH, 50% SPANISH, 100% MED, 100% EUROPEAN." So, I dunno, I'd think he was pretty proud of his whiteness, if, admittedly, whiteness from some fucking below par nations. And yet even this guy, even an actual 100% fucking racist, will say something like "That was an awesome match, and I have NEVER seen Hulk display that much scientific skill in an American match! So I guess the promoters here hid that skill from us." EVEN FUCKING RACISTS FETISHES JAPANESE WRESTLING OVER AMERICAN WRESTLING. Can someone please get the sociologists on this one, stat, because it's hurting my head.

And our Stormfront friends have exactly the same concerns over wrestling as you'll see spouted verbatim over at F4W or UKFF or whereverthefuck. "There's more commercials than matches". "They're ruining everything with this soap opera crap". "John Cena is a useless wigger piece of garbage". "I miss ECW, that was real wrestling". "Black males are ruining the WWE like they do everything else". All of these comments could come verbatim from a DVDVR thread, and yet they're on the message board of the #1 terrorist threat facing America today. Think about that for a second. Maybe the real enemy is closer to home, and cradling a Chikara DVD. Which is ironic, being as one of the few wrestling things Stormfront can agree on (other than their lover of The Ultimate Warrior, obviously), is the awesomeness of Chris Hero.

It's not as hilarious as you'd imagine, scouring a white pride messageboard for mentions of wrestling. All you really discover is a) racists deal with discovering that Batista isn't white really poorly and b) racists love their smiley faces. Although it's hard to ignore stunning science like this from some dude called Ragnarokalypse, who has an avatar implying that he's a furry into polar bears:

Speaking of Cryme Tyme, has anyone noticed that the ones always shown chanting along with their "Money,money" crap are white (wigger) fans? They cheer and laugh the loudest at every TBB act portrayed. Blacks in the crowd seem to be like "Man, these guys are making us look like idiots (albeit accurately)". Or maybe it hits too close to home that they have to live with real life versions of these buffoons, while whites just see them remotely on their TV in their comfy suburban home. Anyone around the real version doesn't find it nearly as amusing.

Or, alternately, Werewolfblood implying, if you read between the lines, that he's sucked off a lot of Jewish men for money:

Professional Wrestling is the worst profession you could ever get into. It's about one step above prostitution ( and it literally is prostitution sometimes... don't ask. ).
I didn't read this thread, just throwing it out there in case any of you guys ever decide to become a professional wrestler. DO NOT DO IT. I did and it was the dumbest mistake of my life. Getting into the WWE or TNA is a 1/1,000,000 shot, and you probably have to be over 6'2 and be prepared to take steroids.
More likely then not you'll end up on the independent scene where you will constantly get screwed by the bottom of the barrel scum of the Earth. You'll be hurting all over and you'll never have benefits, or any money to pay for your medical bills. It's the epitome of what is wrong with our culture. Stuff I've seen and heard in the business makes me want to puke, there seems to be no bigger degeneracy.
Let me make it simple. The business is filled with NOTHING but gay and Jews, and gay Jews. Hell, I think Paul Heyman ( Another gay Jew ) STILL owes wrestlers a combined total of over 5,000,000 dollars!
Oh, then there's ANOTHER gay Jew, a scumbag by the name of Rob Feinstein, he runs "Ring of Honor". One of the dirtiest pieces of crap on this planet, I won't even mention what he makes young kids do to get onto his shows because I don't want to get banned.
The WWE is no better, Vince, Triple H, ect are all bisexuals and into incest. Let's just leave it at that. There's very few respectable people in the WWE, I'd say the Ultimate Warrior ( Even though he was on steroids and he sucked ), Bret Hart, Chris Jericho, Benoit before he went nuts, and Eddie Guerrero were the only wrestlers in that entire federation who deserved any respect. Almost every other mainstream wrestler was/is either on drugs, is bisexual or another degenerate, or can't wrestle their way out of a wet paper bag.
Oh, and there are plenty of Jews in wrestling. Goldberg, Nash, Raven, Dean Malinko, ect. You know what else they had in common? They all sucked!!! But aside from sucking horribly, I can't see a reason to dislike them. It's the small time Jewish promoters that are the most vile pieces of filth on this planet

Still, all of this pouring over the ramblings of shook white dudes is worth it just for the moment where teacherspet79 talks about how much he likes Kofi Kingston, and Jay Dub responds to this hideous assault on the purity of white thought with this:

You can't teach comic timing like that.

IWC message board poster of the week

2009-04-18T16:13:00.004-04:00

Reading their "manifesto" and their creepy obsession with homophobia, and it's a site I never want to look at again. Their "humor" makes me wish that they'd all be on a bus and someone would drive it off a cliff.

Damn son lemme break it off for you like this, Mr. Erotic Terrorist, Mr. Cougar Hunter (the term MILF~~ too lame for even your likes to use these days), Mr. Pro Wres superstar fan, Mr. Closeted Homosexual, Mr. DVDVR message board poster extraordinaire, you yearn for the day you could ever become as relevant on the IWC as we have become in just one week. Like Mike Jones in '05, we got the internets goin nuts. Get with the movement, or get lost in the shuffle.

Thanks go out to everyone who has made this a success thus far. We have made it fellas. IWC infamy; a slight improvement over being Star Trek blogger famous.

Hey, I watched Superstars

2009-04-18T07:19:00.006-04:00

I've had this "WGN America" on my cable for fuck knows how long. No HDNet, so I can't watch mongoloids like Nigel McGuinness wade in the ocean in homoerotic vignettes with sultry voiceovers that "put over" how "the boys" (usually in "the back") "bust their asses" for "the business." But I digress. I have no HDNet on my Comcast digital, but I do have WGN America, which I have never watched until now. What the fuck is the Bob and Tom show?

And the show starts with another montage of pretty men and women set to the familar strains of Nickelback/3 Doors Down/Creed/whatever that ugly retard Kevin Dunn thinks has been hip for the past 8 years. Jesus fuck, every opener on every WWE show is the same. AND I WONT BE DENIIIIIIED / FOR ALL I'VE GOT LEFT IS MY PRIIIIIIIIDE. Fuck, man, listen to Court Bauer and get some Flo Rida or some other dusky gentleman to talk about their money and cars and bitches over a beat or something along those lines.

The Undertaker gets the opening spot to start the new show. He walks slow to the ring and I wonder if it's part of his gimmick or if it's just because he's really fucking beat up. Grapz Nooz says he was all shot to shit like 10 years ago. Mark Calloway (shoot names have now been uttered) is an inspiration to dudes like me, a few years away from that big four oh and contemplating at least some low-level growth hormone use.

I CAN SLAP A TORNADOOOOOO. What the fuck does that mean? Fatt Hardy (The Zaftig Diablo) (The Gut Will Become a Symbol) is out with his Sgt. Pepper's jacket to be tonight's competition.

The camera gets a closeup of Undertaker and it appears he's off his Just For Men cycle. No play for Mr. gray, son. Your beard looks weird. Remember when WWE shit on WCW for having all these old guys on their show? Well tonight's PREMIERE of a new program features 'Taker (44), Finlay (51), and Shane McMahon (39). Just sayin.

Fuck this is getting longer than I thought. Above average match, both these guys are good at what they do, even though Hardy made a bad choice to switch to tights and looks like Jake the Snake if you squint a little. Fatt bails on a chokeslam for a lame countout, Jeff meanders out to chase him back in to the ring, poorly edited chokeslam, etc.

Hey The Teacher and Tony Montana are out for the ECW match. It's Finlay vs Christian for a shot at the ECW title at Backlash. Finlay is in half decent shape for a guy who is receiving the AARP newsletter in the mail and grumbling every time he sees it. Again, an inspiration blahblahblah growth hormone etc. Christian's music sounds like it's sung by a dude who does anime voiceovers. Shameful.

They have a dull, short match. OMG CHRISTIAN HAS GOOD STRIKES HE SHOULD WORK MEMPHIS. I look at Christian's haircut and wonder, if I go shorter, will that finally solve my cowlick issues? Christian wins with The Unprettier/Killswitch/move that looked cool on the indies in 1995 and the HHH/Booker T burial pin. Christian and Finlay UPHOLD THE CODE OF HONOR by shaking hands. Christ. At this point I truly notice how skinny Christian's arms are. This kid has no chance.

Shane McMahon vs Cody Rhodes is your main event. When I was just a youngun watching such as One Man Gang squash Ricky Ataki on the original syndicated Superstars program (Saturdays at 11:30pm in Baltimore I seem to recall), if you would have told me that, years later, I'd be watching Dusty Rhodes' son wrestle Vince McMahon's son on this show....okay,I don't even know where this is going. It's just a weird, dumb thing. I fast forwarded this because there's only so much I can take. I think Shane was DQ'd for unleashing violence with a chair.

Okay show, I guess. With all the PRODUCT they already have on TV, it's pretty unnecessary, though, except as a placeholder for Smackdown when MyNetwork finally goes tits up for good. Until then, I'll wait for the time when they lose interest and this becomes Velocity Mark II and we get the long awaited Jamie Noble vs Zach Rider best of 7 series.

So I guess Sweeney really is mental

2009-04-18T00:45:00.004-04:00

Special thanks to RAPBOY 4:20:69 for the HOT TIPS

part 1:

part 2:

So basically, this is Larry Sweeney outside of the Astrodome (or wherever the fuck WM25 was held) on Wrestlemania weekend agreeing to partake in some backyard wrestle fighting with some fat kid. In Part one it's mostly talking, and it gets to a point of awkwardness where Sweeney resembles a drunk uncle making a TMI sexual speech at a family gathering in front of your 9 year old cousins. REAL TALK: It was kind of hard for me to watch without cringing.

The 2nd part is said backyard wrestle fight with some fat kid, and then at the very end he gives a "promo" which is also odd and rambling and just not something a sane person would do. Thoughts AND prayers go out to Larry Sweeney. Get better bro. STAY UP. ONE LOVE.

Week Old ROH Recap Bonanza

2009-04-17T16:03:00.006-04:00

Ok so I'm not cool enough to have HDNet, but some guy on Youtube has permission to post the ROH on HDNet episodes a few days after they air, which means I will be recapping a weekly show one week late that features wrestling that was recorded like 3 months ago. SO basically this is pointless.

Anyway, you can go here to watch all of this shit if you feel the need to.

Here is your 4/11/2009 Episode recap of ROH ON HDNet

Show opens with our hosts Mike Hogwood and Dave Prazak in the ROH WAR ROOM (i.e. some room with a bunch of TV monitors in it, or they could be in a room with a green screen that's projecting a room with a bunch of TV monitors in it. I don't know). Both men look like creepo pedo touchers but Hogwood looks like your more traditional creepy pedo toucher who keeps polaroids of young boys in Underoos in his tool shed behind the box he keeps his drill bits and screws in ,while Prazak looks more like your modern day creepy pedo toucher complete with Guy Fieri level douchebag facial hair and bad bleache job. I imagine he will get busted one day bringing in his computer for repairs and the curious computer repairman will open up a folder marked DAVES PRIVATE WORK FILES and find 80 gigs of questionably legal pornography and Dave will be like "Lol how did that get there?" and get sent to the pokey.

Our first match is KENNY OMEGA vs. AUSTIN ARIES, but before each match they give the wrasstlers a little pre-recorded promo time. Kenny Omega is up first and he looks like he is mos. def. Gay For Pay. My assumptions are confirmed because on the wrestlers way to the ring, ROH provides you with these little side bar PRO TIPS graphics featuring notable things about each wrestlers and Kenny's PRO TIP is that he's a "Unique Individual" so ROH offices are basically recognizing his lifestyle choices.
Austin Aries is next and I think at one point he was just another boring bland white guy, but now he's going for some kind of cocky gay biker gimmick with silly facial hair and I can respect that. It is better to be a gay biker in the world of wrestling than a boring hairless flippy white guy for sure.
The bell rings and these guys fucking WRESTLE and WRESTLE some more and the crowd is CHANTING and CLAP CLAP CLAPPING and there is no doubt this is motherfucking ROH CLAP CLAP CLAP. This match goes and goes for several thousand minutes and I am not the type to recap all of the MOVES but there were a lot of MOVES and this reminds me of some kind of no name bullshit opening match on an old BATtlarts tape except Aries and Omega's kicks and strikes are those of precious little babies and not at all brutal. Then after a quck game of grabass Austin Aries dropkicks Kenny Omega in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him a brainbuster and it's over, I didn't mind this match that much despite my severe homophobia.

Next up we have a backstage interview with some guy interviewing ROH Champ RANDY THE RAM JERRY LYNN. This is boring as fuck and I only want to see ROH backstage interviews if they involve The Briscoes because those dudes are full of the realest of Real Talk.

Our next match is ERNIE OSIRUS vs. DELIRIOUS. Ernie Osirus is either supposed to be a homelss heroin addict, or Necro Btucher's little brother, I'm not sure. Delirious is a white man who wears a mask, speaks in gibberish and listens to death metal, so it's hard for me to choose who to root for. After a couple of minutes of forgettable wrestle fighting, Delirious Knees Osirus in the fucking face FOR REAL, then gives him an awkward top rope splash and it's over. who gives a shit?

Backstage with some guy again interviewing Jimmy Jacobs and Brodie Lee. Jimmy Jacobs is either the tiniest normal wrestler ever or the biggest midget wrestler, I can't tell. You would think the dude could maybe lift some weights before appearing on TV or something. THIS IS BORING CLAP CLAP CLAP.

Now we are treated to a ladies match, and I respect ROH for recognizing that internet wrestling fans are afraid of women so they get all of these middle of the road looking girls that don't look like WWE's shoot sluts with hot tits and tons of makeup, but they aren't complete hose beasts that would make you barf in your lap. All of these women look approachable, and by approachable I mean, I could realistically have sex with them if I were to meet them. Anyway, the match is SARA DEL RAY & SASSY STEPHIE (w/ Larry Sweeney) vs. DAIZEE HAZE & NAVAEH. During the pre-match promo Sweeney is openly trying to grope Sassy Stephie and I start a THIS IS AWESOME CLAP CLAP CLAP chant in my bedroom. It figures they fired this dude. assholes. Both Del Ray and Sassy Stephie have visible tramp stamps so I know they fucking party. I don't want to get too far off my important professional recapping duties but I am totally mesmerized by Sara Del Ray. From the waist up she's like this normal perfectly fit woman but she has these gigantic ham thighs that look like they can no doubt crush a man's head DEAD during acts of cunnilingus. I don't know dick about exercising (If I did I wouldn't be blogging about wrestling for sure), but I'd like to know what kind of training regimen you need to be on to have that body. For this alone, Sara Del Ray is my favorite ROH wrestler and I want nothing more than to meet her and shotgun Budweisers with her and trace "I <3 U" on the small of her back with my fingertip.
Ok, Daizee Haze has the body of Olive Oyl and Navaeh is not much to look at in the face but she has a nice rack. Daizee's ring music is some stock reggae shit and that coupled with her stoner ring name and hippie looking outfits, I assume she gets down 4:20 24/7 and has much respeck for jah rastafari BO BO BO MURDAH DEM, so she is dope in my book too.
Anyway, they wrestle and some stuff happens and I honestly forgot who won because I spent the whole time thinking about what I would do on a date with Sara Del Ray.

Now it's time for our MAIN EVENT: JERRY THE RAM LYNN vs. BRODIE LEE. I guess this was recorded before Jerry Lynn was the champ. I am happy to see that Jerry Lynn still comes out to death metal. I was afraid they'd give him some lame Bruce Springsteen song because he's an OLD BROKEN DOWN PIECE A MEAT THAT LIVES IN A TRAILER AND WORKS AT A DELI COUNTER. Brodie Lee is a "trucker", which means he has a beard and wears a wifebeater and jeans, so he looks like 75% of my real life friends who aren't at all truckers. He is a big looking dude, but he is much more impressive looking in CHIKARA where he is literally 7 times larger than everyone else on the roster (except Claudio). These guys have a wrestling match and it's basically like ECW 1999 all over again except instead of Rhino or the one big guy from DA BALDIES, we have Brodie Lee. 1999 was now 10 years ago and Brodie Lee was just a young pup. Lee kills Lynn for a while with his Big Guy offense, and then Lynn pulls out a wack small package and wins. What the fuck? We couldn't even get a Ram Jam? Man, fuck this match.

That's it. Perhaps I will do this again next week. PERHAPS NOT.

Why in the living goddamn am I reviewing Impact?

2009-04-17T00:26:00.004-04:00

I seldom watch TNA, I am not ultra familiar with the product. But I am dumb enough to watch it now and try to elicit some fond laughter from you, the idiots that read this garbage ass blog for morons. So here we go.
I missed the opening segment. I don't care.
A Suicide video package... I guess a guy named Suicide shouldn't really be trying to win wrestling matches, should he? Why would he care? He's suicidal yall, he ain't ambitious!
The Sheik yells something, apparently Arabs and Japs have a commonality in hating America. I hate America too. I am with the Sheik. Why does he hate Suicide? Isn't Suicide Mexican or something? What the fuck.
Hey, a wrestling match. Chris Sabin is uglier than Alex Shelley by a LOT. Homicide is 5150 en la kabeza. He has a "gangstafied" briefcase. A Japanese guy hates America! A bearded man politely and daintily applauds the hapless resident of glorious Nippon. Homicide is really good, he does a pretty crazy dive then lands on his feet and runs harmlessly into the wall to act like he too is dead. What race is Homicide anyway? I cannot tell. I will call him Puerto Rican and be done with it for I know no Ricans and I don't want to besides. The ref is bigger than the wrestlers. Homicide wins with a thunderous RKO from the toprope.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN SPIKE DUDLEY AND BALLS MAHONEY ARE HERE!
Abyss is talking to Jim Cornette about something when ODB shows up. What the fuck. There's two sorts of people btw: Those who would fuck ODB and LIARSSSSSSSS. An interesting Oliver Wendell Douglas joke concludes this segment. Is there enough booze in the world to help Cornette cope with this crap?
The boringest segment ever is here.
Awesome Kong sure is... a big fat gladiator woman with MMA gloves. Are the Beautiful People the best thing in TNA? I am kind of mad Cheerleader Melissa is under a burka. The Beautiful People cut Kong's extensions and Don West quickly loses interest. So do I. I check my Facebook. Someone challenges me to an 80s movie trivia contest. I concede.
D-Von's forehead rules. Bubba does a promo on tape, then he does one to Lauren. Spike shows up! A water bottle on top of the locker falls over! Balls shows up! Balls does an impersonation of the old priest from Father Ted! Spike and Balls would rather wrestle an indy than be on TNA!
Cody Deaner rules and so does Abyss's music kind of. Daffney, marry me babe. I want to take Daffney in my arms, dip her so low, give her the most passionate kiss. She looks in my eyes, I look in hers. She invites me back to her apartment. I go back to her apartment. We do stuff there. ODB has some really inappropriate mannerisms, man. Matt Morgan, who is STILL not in the WWE for some reason, beats up Abyss.
Mick Foley high fives a random dude then says "YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about! HIGH FIVE!" Fuck you if you don't like Mick Foley.
I am gonna take a shower and miss some of Impact as I did judo tonight and my ass and crotch are probably awash in odor producing bacteria.
I return from my shower to see that Mick Foley has killed Sting and is acting crazy. Awesome.
Beer Money beats up Spike and Balls for soooooooo long. They completely obliterate them a number of times and then finally the Dudley Boys run in and chase away Beer Money. A little late, guys?
But they make up for lost time by being there after the commercial break and are really mad! They are REALLY mad!
Jeff Jarrett apparently needed another man for his team for some crap or whatever and he announces him: The 50 year old guy from the Bowflex commercial who is living his dream via being in a rock band.. That guy and Kurt Angle have a pretty decent little match, I guess, and it ends via double pin. Kurt Angle gets so mad that he calls the referee a "son of a bitch" and the ref makes the best HOW DARE YOU!?!?! face of all time. Then Kurt calls Jim Cornette a "son of a bitch" also albeit it is extremely slurred and spits on Cornette: Once inadvertently, once entirely on purpose. Cornette says the motion stands and Kurt Angle starts to choke the old man as we go to commercial. Hmm.
So.. Okay. I don't know. Jeff Jarrett reviews the tape and in the interest of fairness says that Kurt Angle actually won. Kurt Angle responds by being THE HAPPIEST MAN OF ALL TIME. He is jumping around and hugging Scott Steiner over and over. Suddenly, Samoa Joe's music hits and HE RUNS TO THE RING...
Show ends.
What?
Apparently this was one of the best Impacts in recent memory and that may well be. I've never watched a complete episode. I guess I still haven't but this is the most of any episode I've ever watched. It was.... Hmm. It wasn't horrible! There were a lot of little things that made me laugh which is more than can be said for Raw, at which I only laughed once (which was Santino nervously biting his fist.)
Well, I'll probably watch the pay per view on justin.tv so they convinced me of that much. God bless, yall.

WWE Mourns Loss of Writer

2009-04-16T08:16:00.006-04:00

(Badstreet, U.S.A.) - WWE Smackdown head writer Michael "P.S." Hayes was found dead at his home, located at the end of the block in the "Badstreet" section of Atlanta, G-A this morning. Details are sketchy at this time, but friends of the deceased Freebird tell 6-3-94 that Hayes became despondent after the WWE draft.

"After the Mark Henry thing and the suspension and rehab, I thought Michael had turned a corner," said surviving Freebird Buddy "Jack" Roberts. On April 23, 2008, Hayes was suspended for 60 days following alleged racist remarks made toward the former Olympic strongman, known at times in WWE as "Sexual Chocolate," "The Silverback," and "That Black Fuckin' Moulie Jigaboo Monkey." It was alleged that Hayes' penchant for inappropriate comments toward blacks, half-castes, mulattoes, and octaroons had something to do with Bobby Lashley's departure from WWE as well. Despite his high pitched voice and lack of gimmick regarding theft, dancing, or having an abnormally hard head, Lashley is, in fact, an African American.

Roberts continued, "I guess after the draft, what with all the darkies and spics sent to Smackdown, Michael just couldn't take anymore. Dolph Ziggler was the last straw. I did my best to explain that it's just a spray-on tan, but Michael wouldn't hear it."

When reached for comment, Bobby Lashley responded, "lolololololol."

We at 6-3-94 send our thoughts (no prayers) to Hayes' family, his white coworkers, his dealer, and surviving Freebirds Roberts, Jimmy Jam Garvin, and Brad Armstrong Under a Hood as Fantasia.

Wrestling Has Always Been Stupid

2009-04-16T00:35:00.000-04:00

Recently, Joey Babbysack wrote about how disgraceful the current WWE product is, how disrespectful to the legends of the business. John Cena, it seems, doesn't respect the boys in the back enough. He makes a laughingstock of men who were serious athletes and amazing performers. Would Ric Flair wear a belt with a spinner? Would Lou Thesz? Of course not! These were men. Serious men.

Lou Thesz may have wrestled a bear, but dammit, he made that bear respect the business. Ric Flair may have been a comedy performer, filling every match with goofy pratfalls and occasionally showing his ass (literally), but he did it respectfully.

At least this seems to be Babbysack's unironic contention, seemingly unaware that wrestling has always been intended for eternal adolescents and the mentally retarded. Wrestling is stupid, disposable and throw away entertainment. It has been for years. No one has ever taken it seriously and noone ever will. It is inherently ridiculous, filled with pumped up gays pretending to fight and sneering at each other and the audience.

Not only that, but your legends are all whores. Lou Thesz would have worn the Spinner Belt, done the job for Chyna, and kissed Vince's ass. Because he was a phony and a money grubbing jackass. They all are. These are your heroes Babbysack. These are your heroes.

Notes from the Diva Underground

2009-04-15T21:46:00.006-04:00

Dear Diary,

I write this entry with Rorschach-test facepaint, inkblots culled from my eyeliner earlier tonight after crying in the center of the ring. My worse fears have certainly come to reality as I have now been drafted by Smackdown. No longer am I to do the splits upon entering the ring underneath the sultry red lights of RAW but am back to being underneath the pale-blue lights of Smackdown, my thighs illuminated under the color of raindrops -- how fitting.
I am backstage right now, wondering when the next time I will hear Lillian Garcia sing the national anthem, her dulcet vibrato comforting me like a comforter mattress.
So much has been running through my mind as of late, what with Dave Batista back in the fold. The conspiracy theorist in me was sure it was a strategic move by him to officially render our relationship officially null and void. Perhaps if this were true it is for the better; this topic I have discussed with my RAW sisters at length, conversations that I am already wistfully nostalgic of.
For some reason I tend to forget the awkwardness of Dave's half-erect penis in my mouth as I stared at his wrinkled scrotum until it shaped into the Shroud of Turin and think back to the days when he and I would share a knowing glance when Jim Ross was unaware of the drool on the corner of the droopier side of his mouth. Oh Jim Ross! To watch him look at me as if he was imagining I was sitting on his face makes me squirm with revulsion and now I am back with him on Smackdown.

He was backstage tonight, cursing Heath Ledger.

"Fuck Heath Ledger," he said. "At least the Guerrero family had the intestinal fortitude to apologize to us for Eddie. I did not hear of a goddamn apology given to Christopher Nolan."

Heartless prick JR is, but at the same time I find myself nodding at his insight.

One day I will look on this night with dried eyes, me and Lillian re-uniting and sharing beauty tips. I'm sure I will get over this, but tonight I shall mourn this sea change. I shall look at my days on the RAW brand as a turning point in my career for Sherri Martel did not drop a single tear when she managed Harlem Heat. I must look up to her and see how the hand of fate can work in my favor as well.

xoxo,
Melina

Spotlight on: Hurricane Helms

2009-04-15T21:09:00.004-04:00

Remember this guy? His name is Shane Helms. That is his shoot name. I don't care what his Wiki entry says. Mother fucker's name is Shane. He first showed up in WCW after a long, distinguished career as a professional football player. I don't care what his Wiki entry says. Mother fucker played football. He suffered a very serious neck injury after being dumped on his head by eternal shit bag Alonzo Spellman in training camp one year when Helms had the balls to tell Spellman that pro wrestling was the strongest fighting style ever. Fuck Spellman for doing that. Anyways, contrary to his fucked up, obviously hacked Wiki entry, Helms had never met those two pussies Matt and Jeff Hardy before they all ended up in WWE. Not even a chance encounter at a Waffle House. Shane was way too busy fucking Ric Flair's hot daughter, David, to hang out with those two douches. With his football career over, Shane walked into the Power Plant one day and shoot beat the shit out of Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker and demanded that he be given a WCW contract. Fearing for his life, Parker gave the man what he wanted. Shane showed up on the next Nitro and ran in on the main event, press slamming Goldberg and shoot kicking Bret Hart so hard that it turned him into a bitter retard and made him retire. The next day Shane bought WCW for pennies on the dollar, but later that night he lost the company to Vince McMahon in a high stakes game of "Bet on Who Will Die Next". (Shane picked Scott Steiner while Vince picked his maid 'Juanita' who he then shot in the head with a single shot Derringer, thus securing the win). As part of the bet Shane was forced to change his shoot name to the much shittier Gregory and he had to go to work for Vince. Shane/Gregory's mother has a really rare and fucked up disease that requires hella money to treat so he had no choice but to work for the devil (Mr. McMahon). During this time Ric Flair's daughter caught him fucking Terry Funk's daughter and all hell broke loose. The two fathers became incensed when they heard about this. Flair went on record as saying that his daughter had to be the better lay because she worked both heel and babyface. Funk countered that his daughter could carry a broomstick to a **** fuck. The two men never spoke to each other again. Meanwhile, Shane/Gregory had moved on and was now fucking the woman he would one day marry, Stacy Keibler. Shane/Gregory was getting drunk with Billy Kidman one night and made a bet that he could take any gimmick and get over with it. Kidman was a huge fucking nerd so he dared Helms to do a comic book hero gimmick. Helms, unaware about what exactly a comic book hero was supposed to be like (because he isn't a fucking SQUARE) stayed up all night reading every comic book ever written. He then decided that since all comic book heroes are fucking lame that he would come up with a totally original one that no one had even thought of: The Hurricane. The character derived his power from his green hair and huge dong. He debuted the following night and won the WWE World Heavyweight title in 45 seconds, forcing the late Superstar "Stone Cold" Steve Austin to submit to his brutal, legit painful pet submission hold "The Cock Lock"(Austin was fatally stabbed to death in the shower by the aforementioned piece of shit, Alonzo Spellman, but the crowd was so busy cheering for Hurricane that no one gave a fuck). Hurricane went on to hold the belt for an astonishing 6 years before settling down with his newest wife, Ann Coulter, and raising a family consisting of 3 sons (Eddy, Rey Jr. and Kofi). He was awarded a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu black belt by the late Ryan Gracie. The two would later have a falling out after Ryan stole some of Hurricane's blood and got high off it. Ryan wound up stealing a police car, raping a police horse and eventually his heart blew the fuck up because it couldn't handle Hurricane's shit. Hurricane did not go to the wake but did send the Gracie family a condolence ham. To this day the entire Gracie family (even the fake ones) refer to Hurricane as "Hurricane Gracie". Hurricane managed to stay away from the bright lights of pro wrestling until the WWE Hall of Fame came calling. The night before Wrestlemania XX Canadian midget and child molester Chris Benwaa had the huge fucking honor of inducting the greatest wrestler to ever live into a fake hall of fame. During Hurricane's induction speech Benwaa became so overwhelmed by emotion that he drove straight to the airport, flew home and killed his wife and son. While speaking to the cheering crowd Hurricane told them to shut the fuck up and listen. He told them, despite their "ONE MORE MATCH" chants that he was finished with wrestling. He told them to get a fucking life and that he was too busy sitting at home, fucking wife #3 Tub Girl, and that he had moved on and it was time for them to do the same thing. One fan wearing a lucha mask ran onto the stage and Hurricane kicked the shit out of him and then gave him a shoot vertebreaker. As his assailant lay on the stage, dying, Hurricane removed the mask to reveal that it was none other than previously mentioned shit stain Alonzo Spellman. Spellman's dying words were "Pro... Football... Strongest... Fighting Style..." As the life left his body Hurricane leaned over and closed the eyes of his fallen foe. He then turned his attention to the stunned crowd and said "You have now seen my last match. I am finished spilling blood. I will now live out the rest of my days in solitude. Fuck you all." Vince McMahon was so moved that now every single WWE televised show begins by airing that snippet from Hurricane's farewell address. Hurricane no longer grants interviews. He is a man clearly haunted by his past. None of us will never forget what he gave us.

Breaking The Babbysack

2009-04-15T20:34:00.005-04:00

David Herb Meltzer is a terrific righter(sic) with a great mind for the business of fake fighting and mixed martial arts...the other cats who post on his site are not. So while those pundits might have an extra 21st chromosome they don't got shit on my man Babbysack. Babbysack suffers from such extreme retardation he overshadows everyone in the IWC. It is my proud duty to recap his works.

What needs to be said about the aftermath of WrestleMania has mostly been said. Beating a dead horse is boring, stifling to the creative juices and only appropriate to cheaply paid Hollywood writer types, who have no clue to the glory of professional wrestling past, no concept of how to create professional wrestling present, and offer little hope for the future.

Jesus. The misconception amongst the pro wres fans that wrestling is some sophisticated art that needs years of intricate watching to understand is unfathomable. "Get that Hollywood fuck Freddy Prinze Jr. out of there! Whats he know about the business? He can't write promos for Edge!" Settle down Babbysack, the WWE turns a profit every year I don't think they need advice from some manchild.

Pathetic and hilarious is the nature of professional wrestling’s proudest titles, morphed, diminished, watered down, embedded with long forgotten spinners, and bearing no semblance to the belts that once adorned the waists of the greatest of champions.

LOL this dude is upset they put a spinner on the world title belt years after the switch. "HOW DARE THEY TARNISH THE LEGACY OF THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD OF FAKE FIGHTS" I mean the spinner belts gay and all but it worked with the Cena character and was a sign that WWE was hip to the times. Plus the last time I was at a RAW this little black kid had a replica spinner belt and he looked like the happiest soul in the world. Babbysack is such a racist.

Whether you trace your fandom to Flair, Hogan or Sammartino;

What dude who watched Sammartino is still online reading about fucking wrestling? He's making me shoot lol

whether you adored the standard of Hart, the reputation of Austin, or the history of the Funks;

LOL

whether you’d prefer the science of Thesz,

LOOOL seriously who ever saw Lou Thesz wrestle? Also what does 'science' have to do with stretching inbred mooks and random japs?

the grandeur of Gagne, or the pomposity of Rogers; all of those legacies have been left trashed by current sentiment..

"JOHN CENER AND THE HOLLYWOOD WRITERS ARE KILLING THIS ONCE PRESTIGIOUS HONOR!!" Babbysack missed the girth of Big Show, the lazyness of Diesel, the professionalism of Backlund, the traps of Goldberg, the stingyness of Sting, the sadness of DDP, the roid rage of Warrior, the gigantism of Andre, the jersey white trashyness of Russo, the awesomeness of Vince, and the fake japaneseyness of Yokozuna.

Championships, Titles or Belts, the pinnacle of professional wrestling success was always…. Always….ALWAYS! measured by the man who held that symbolic piece of metal.Today, call it a prop. Call it something stupid. Call it something some guys carry around sometimes. Call it the grotesque degeneration of what the industry once was, what the sport once laid claim to, what the entertainment concept once touted.

Ugh Babbysack. Wrestling title belts have always....Always....ALWAYS! BEEN PROPS! This has never been a real sport. It will never be a real sport. No matter how much long term booking the McMahon's put into the 'product' wrestling will always be mocked. At best it will mocked for 90 seconds on PTI when a celebrity is involved with Mania.

Apparently, there are fans who are foolish enough to care too much. Apparently, we’re all supposed to sit down, shut up and be entertained by figureheads who sit on a mountain of domination never seen in this industry, but who cannot book a feud to reinvigorate their ever-dwindling fan base.

Faggots and Gentleman, the Glen Beck of the IWC

Sure, WrestleMania 25 broke many attendance numbers and gate records, but coming out of WrestleMania, has any other show shown so little buildup for the future?

"Sure, Wrestlemania 25 made a fuckload of money, but what about the TITLES?" The Babbysack goes on to show the world his 7 point plan to make wrestling titles important once again but no one wants to read that hogwash so I'll close out on a choice quote:

Which, in the end, is the point. Professional wrestling fans are not stupid.

Kennedy Drafted To Raw, lulz to follow

2009-04-15T12:43:00.033-04:00

6-3-94 Raw Supplemental Draft Coverage!

Ken "Mr." Kennedy (SHOOTNAME Anderson) has been drafted to Raw. Career highlights of this exciting superstar:

Loses "Money in the Bank" push (biggest push of his career at the time) due to injury that he thought was worse than it was
Loses "McMahon's illegitimate son" push (biggest push of his career at the time) due to being popped for DRUGZ
Made second career out of placing his foot in his mouth in numerous TV and magazine interviews when speaking on the subject of steroids and fake fighting
On the shelf longer and more often than Mike Sweetser's mint-in-box Optimus Prime toy
Grapz Noooz indicate he might not make it back from his latest injuries

Not since (insert random Von Erich here) has a superstar pissed away so much potential in such a short time. We at 6-3-94 anxiously await this exciting star's (possible) return to the ring on Monday Night Raw!

(please note, if Kennedy can't come back from this latest round of injuries, we have been assured that friends are monitoring their phones for news of his physical location)

Also:

Shad Gaspard to Smackdown: Reverend D-Von 2K9?
Alicia Fox to Smackdown: BLIND ITEM - what former Olympic Hero and avowed lover of more dusky lasses is "angling" for a return to WWE? Is it true? Is it true?
Primo Colon to Raw: In Puerto Rican, his name means "#1 Anus." Now that he's on the flagship show, the PG-rated WWE will need to change his name. We recommend something whitebread, like "Davey Richards," maybe.
Mike Knox to Smackdown: Fuck you if you think I'll make a dumb joke here. Mike Knox is awesome.
Ezekiel Jackson to ECW: Brian Kendrick to return to gay porn ("Dragon Gate U.S.")
Nikki Bella to Raw: Batista's cock drafted to Nikki's gash, Orton's poo drafted to Nikki's carry-on
Candace Michelle to Smackdown: Smackdown referees are practicing "throwing the x" while medical staff stands at yellow alert
Zach Ryder to ECW: over/under on the number of jobs he does until being wished well in his future endeavors: 3
Chavo Guerrero to Raw: the world yearns for the return of Kerwin White
Ricky Ortiz to Smackdown: WWE understands their misstep in taking Rey (drafted to Raw last year) and Eddie (drafted to wrestling heaven where he's waiting for Kurt Angle) off Smackdown and is trying to make amends to its off-white viewership.
Layla to Smackdown: I don't even know who this is.

CONTRIBUTER IV taking over for FH for the 2nd leg of the draft:

Hornswaggle to Raw: Expect a monumental inter-promotional trade where Hornswaggle gets traded to ROH so he can fight people his own size.
DH Smith to ECW: Many speculate this is leading to a new version of The Hart Foundation, but my sources tell me this is the beginning of a new Baseball-centric stable along with newcomers SS Brown, OF Johnson and 2B Jones
John Morrison to Smackdown: I only know Morrison as the guy that got to hold the ECW title because Benoit hit the Abort button on Mission: Life, and I can't expect much out of a guy that has to live with that for the rest of his life.
Carlito to Raw: Probably a backstage powermove by Carlito because Cinco De Mayo falls on a Tuesday (Smackdown taping day) this year and you don't want to be on the wrong end of a Puerto Rican who is not allowed to be shithouse drunk on Cinco De Mayo.
Natayla to ECW: I already shot off my Hart Foundation namedrop with that DH Smith joke up above so I don't have much to say here outside of speculating whether or not Natayla's nether regions resemble her Dad's famous goatee but that kind of humor is so below me. I apologize.
Festus to Raw: Raw was really losing the retard viewership ever since firing Eugene. Wait, what am I saying? Raw will never lose the retard viewership.
JTG To Smackdown: Smackdown not only wants to lock down the Latino demographic but also the black demographic. WWE is not one to put all of their eggs in one basket, so when MyNetwork goes under, Smackdown will have a chance to be picked up by Univision OR BET now.
Dolph Ziggler to Smackdown: I had to do a Google search to see who this guy was and all I can think of is that he looks like Beth Phoenix with slightly smaller tits.
The Brian Kendrick to Raw: Because Raw needed some fresh faces for their jobber lumberjack and jobber battle royal matches.
Charlie Haas to Smackdown: oh man, wrestler imitations.
Hurricane Helms to ECW: WWE's veteran tiny jobber guy is no doubt going to ECW to teach the newer tiny jobbers guys how to handle unemployment in these tough economic times.
Brie Bella to RAW: Batista now looking for a steroid that helps you grow an extra dick.

RETURN OF THE GABE

2009-04-15T12:12:00.001-04:00

Credit: Insider source, Virgil Wrestling Superstar

Glory days are here again.

Smarks have been wondering around aimlessley since evil CARY canned the messianic GABE in what was seen as an act of treachery against the man who gave us the jap experience of watching ***** classics in some shithole in new jersey. He allowed us to live our dreams of being puro fans as ROD STRONG became our defacto kawada. He even brought crippled cancer victim KOBASHI to excahnge chops with some tubby samoan which gave roh STRONGSTYLE legitness. yes, a real life jap who did REAL WRESTLING not SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT (spits). Some smarks hung on desperately whilst crying as they saw a boring tv product that didnt reflect the true FIGHTINGSPIRITO of the promotion they once loved. others turned to cosplay promotion chikara and their brand of ironic "wackiness" made for grown manchildren fetishising their youth....

...But now therr is light where once there was darkness. GABE returns and he has brought the smarks not just one jap but many many skinny hairless somersaulting japs. ROH is dead, long live DRAGON GATE-O USA!

DGU! DGU! DGU!

Wade Keller: Aging Queen

2009-04-14T22:58:00.001-04:00

Dear Wade,

Hey bro. First off congrats on the kid and the whole coming out thing. Good on ya, man. Now, to business. I have watched on from a distance for the last several years as you have continued to slip further and further into irrelevancy. Your website looks as if it were put together by a couple of 18 year old ITT-Technical Institute students. Your stable of contributors has devolved into a list of dudes who are more than likely registered sex offenders. Do you still do a news letter? How's that working out for you? Is Pat McNeil as big of a douche in real life as he is on the internet? What about Caldwell? Anywho, look bro, we're in a recession. Things in the formerly lucrative grapz n00z world (lol) can't be going as great as they used to. You lived high on the hog for the last decade, but the boom days are done, son. Have you ever thought about life post-internet reporting/copying Dave? You have a child now, homie. You have a responsibility. Do you have a day job? Lemme guess, Orange Julius? Kinkos? You really ought to start thinking about the future.

If I may be so bold, allow me to make a suggestion: Vegan cooking show. It's money and you know it. You can even have your significant other join you! You can do a sort of Tim Taylor/Al Borland dynamic, only you guys are in love and have silly little disputes on air. I stand to gain zilch by offering you this advise. You have everything to gain. Think about it, dude. Think about it.

The IWC is singing the praises of 6-3-94

2009-04-14T18:58:00.000-04:00

"BWT delivers again. Just awesome."

Respected long term Wrestling Observer online/F4W online Raw recap guy Todd Martin.

"This blog is great, a contrarian delight."
Respected author of Total MMA Jsnowden.

"the bwt wrote:

dvdr playaz"

Yes im not even sure what that means but it was written in regards to this blog by respected TNA fan and former member of the 864 stable David Crumbley

Monday Night Raw Monday the 13th, The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand And Nine

2009-04-13T23:19:00.000-04:00

The Big News: This show sucked.
Add ~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~! anywhere you see fit to make this a more vibrant and punchy affair.
A video package opens Raw, reminding us that Randy Orton has trouble killing Vince but then eventually he does and that he is a bad person. And at Backlash, Randy Orton and the guys no one cares about will fight Triple H and Friends.
Backlash, more like WACKlash, ha ha ha.
Yay Batista is here. This man, this Batista, he has incredible traps. Such traps. We are reminded that Randy Orton made Batista go away, a fact I did not actually really know because who remembers stuff from 4 months ago in WWE. Batista is at first timid, then he is angry. Shane comes out dancing, but then also he is angry. And Triple H is just angry. This is so boring and stupid but fortunately Vickie comes out to SAVE.US. She announces that these three guys will fight Randy Orton's random crappy friends and there's some stipulation at stake but I have ceased paying attention because one of my cats is being cute as hell.
Why doesn't Rey magically pop out of the ground anymore? Now he just gently headbutts children. Ooh Evan Bourne, you are so handsome. Apparently lucha libre AND puroresu styles are at play in this match and Rey's puroresu wins the match and Raw gets to have MVP do his stupid finishing move for them. Will they now unify the IC and US titles? Maybe!
Kane is scary! And he sucks and I hate him. THE Brian Kendrick is possibly the greatest guy in the entire WWE as he arrogantly dances to the ring. The random scrub with JR calls Kendrick an underdog. BULLSHIT he is. Kane scores the shocking upset win and my main man, the Big Show, comes to Raw and Kane nods sort of approvingly at him.
Vickie is SO excited to be here. This woman is great, how dare anyone boo her. Vickie has Chavo's back against Randy Orton, proving that she is a loyal woman of honor. Some crap happens, I dunno.
Jack Swagger sasses John Cena, who in turn sasses Jack Swagger. I am going to make dinner, if I miss the divas, I miss the divas.
I miss the divas!
I have never seen this Swagger wrestle before and he is, I think, pretty good. During this match my cats also put on a little grappling contest but it lacks psychology and has a screwjob finish as they both just sort of... go away from each other. ** and I'm being generous cuz they're ~mah lil babies~ Cena gets Swagger in the FU in an innovative way and the badly depleted Raw roster gets an awesome Matt Hardy and the terrible crappy no one cares about him HHH. Will all of these titles soon be unified, that is what I wonder now.
Hey why doesn't Randy Orton attack his own dudes to get them the DQ win and then he gets what he wants and is happy? That's just a lil thought here from your humble recapper.
Aww, poor lil Santino is here to face the dreaded Great Khali. But wait! Beth Phoenix, the love of my life, is here to make some announcement. She is kind of great on the mic. She is also great in my heart. How a woman can be great in ones heart I cannot say but it is so. CM Punk is headed to Smackdown to single handedly save the brand from extinction.
This show is only half over and I am so tired of it.
I was telling a friend how great the Miz is and she did not believe me but it is true so suck it, friend. Kofi Kingston is not so great, I have never told anyone about him. This is the longest match in the entire world and it ends with the Miz himself getting drafted to Raw and somehow becoming even more heel by killing John Morrison. Why not, I guess.
What I had been wanting here was a tri brand battle royal with some of the WWE's most crappy wrestlers and lucky for me that is what I get. This show sucks. Why does Edge care if Smackdown gets anymore wrestlers? He should want less. But he does and he wins and so he gets Kane who sucks and Chris Jericho who is a Canadian midget.
This show is still not over, but shitty wrestlers no one cares about are still on my TV. Why isn't this show over? I want this show to be over. This show is literally the big bad show tonight. Christian beats that one guy and ECW gets another guy.
I missed something, I don't care.
CM Punk, newly minted Smackdown superstar, is going to wrestle Matt Hardy, newly minted Raw superstar. Matt's new heel look includes a vampire-esque hairline and keys on his tights. He also mocks the Wanderlei wrist roll, made famous by one Phil Brooks. (Shoot names have now been uttered.) Jeff Hardy ruins it for Punk and thus Raw gets ANOTHER pick and it's...uh... this girl.
Now for whatever reason, Tommy Dreamer aka Mike Dikk's favorite wrestler gets to get beaten by Chris Jericho. Smackdown gets the diminutive Rey Misterio, a Mexican dwarf with a heart of gold.
The main event happens, whatever.
This show sucked.

Wade Keller

2009-04-13T20:57:00.000-04:00

This blog uses the word "faggot" a lot. We don't use this word to impugn actual gay people. Gay people are great. Recently Pro Wrestling Torch Editor Wade Keller came out of the closet, sharing pictures of his creepy boyfriend and beautiful new baby. Nothing but love for Keller and his brave stance, facing homophobia head on in a very insular and immature online community.

Wade Keller, the brave and proud gay man is O.K. in my book. But Wade Keller, the guy who writes the Torch? That dude is still a faggot.

Joshi MMA Report

2009-04-13T13:17:00.000-04:00

I only watch Joshi MMA because it is MMA in it's purest most beautiful form. With that said, MMA promotion Strikeforce held a Joshi MMA battle over the weekend as She-Beast Cris CYBORG continuously smashed the face of tiny jap girl Hitomi Akano. (You can watch the whole match here before Youtube takes it down) . CYBORG was like twice the size of Delicate Flower Akano, who took like 7 minutes worth of punches and kicks straight to the fucking face but to her credit did not bleed one drop, possibly because she has the powers of Bushido on her side.
After the match, CYBORG more or less said she was so huge coming into the fight because she was bloated from her period. Most folks would be grossed out by such talk but it makes me yearn to be held in CYBORG's soft embrace even more than before. After I got over the initial shock of finding out CYBORG's dick was way bigger than mine, I would want nothing more than to make sweet love to her.

This sets up CYBORG to meet the only other notable Joshi MMA star, Gina "Hot Tits" Carano in August. This fight will not only be awesome, but I can guarantee it will produce at least one erection from me, and if it goes all 3 rounds I might even achieve Full Release.

Whitey finally gets his due

2009-04-13T08:51:00.001-04:00

# # # # # # # # 6-3-94 NEWSWIRE # # # # # # # #

ROH Returns to the Glory Days!
Bland white guys capture tag gold

At the recent tapings for their television program for HDNet, which airs in “about six or seven U.S. households,” (source: Arbitron) the ROH tag team championship was liberated from the bondage of colorful gimmick sports entertainers Kevin Steen and El Generico.

El Generico (gimmick: he’s a skinny white guy from the whitest country on Earth who thinks he’s a brown luchador) and Kevin Steen (gimmick: he’s fat) “dropped the straps,” as their fanbase likes to say, to workrate masters Eddie Richards and Davey Edwards.

Pictured: The Champs (possibly)

“I’ve caught a lot of flak from the die hards about taking ROH in a different direction,” said ROH head writer Adam Pierce. “I’m hoping giving the championship to two guys who, while amazing workers, couldn’t be picked out of a police lineup, signals a return the product our fans know and love.” “In the great tradition of Chris Benoit, I feel that Steve Edwards and Brian Richards are incredible talents,” Pierce added, “and in addition to their awesome workrate, they are bland as fuck. I really envision great things for Trent Edwards and Mike Richards.”

Old School is cool

2009-04-12T22:36:00.000-04:00

(Note the following post was sent to me via Usenet since the author does not like to use post-1980's technology)

Hey there people in blogoland (that is my little pet name for blogs) my name is Walter Feingold and im here to give you the inside scoop on pro wrestling’s olden days! The days when it was a "real " fake sport before Vince (who I like to call Satan!!! har har) took two men rolling around together in their underwear fake fighting and made it into a circus! Is their anything in life more worse and degrading than a circus? I think not. Anyway my hatred of circuses (and the silliness of said circuses) has gotten me distracted I want to talk about what watching wrestling was like for me growing up.

The year was 1984, Ronnie was in the White House keeping government off our backs, on fridays JR Ewing was kicking ass on Dallas, and Saturdays.. Well Saturdays were all about Georgia Championship Wrestling on WTBS. With the great psychological based storylines, hard nosed wrestling action, and the man calling it all Mr. Gordon Soile.
I do not have the words nor the space to tell you all what Gordon Soile meant to my life. It is true that we have never met or spoke but I still think of him as the father figure of my youth.(after all unlike my biological dad Gordon never tried to light me on fire)

But one Saturday something horrible happened, I was ready to watch Papa Gordon on GCW I had my Doritos, my ,Cheetos and my KY all ready to go and all of a sudden.... Well folks did you think old Walter would give away the whole story in one sitting? Heck no toon in next time same bat time same bat blog (haha I always loved the old Batman show much better than the violent Batman crap that was in the theaters last summer). Well Im off I just read in Alt.Tv.Mash that Hallmark is about the show the ep where Hawkeye yells at Radar! Got to go.
Walter Feingold

n00z Of Honor

2009-04-11T12:29:00.000-04:00

Every fledgling wrestling site needs it's share of hot news, and I am here to provide you with all of the week old news you can handle!

Unfortunately, this news has to deal with every shut-in's favorite wrestling promotion, ROH, and I have admittedly only watched around 6 ROH things in my life and most of them I would categorize as "Strongly Homoerotic" so I am not their biggest supporter, but News is News is News...

**Last weekend, 56 year old Jerry Lynn achieved his boyhood dream of winning the ROH championship title. General internet consensus is that Lynn is way too old to be holding a coveted world title that is won in a pre-determined imaginary wrestling fight. These of course are the same fans who wanted to see Ric Flair (who is legit old enough to be Jerry Lynn's grandpa) get "one last run" with the WWE title.

Jerry Lynn celebrating moments after his ROH title win.

**Speaking of Flair, has anyone else heard the rumors that a big Hollywood studio is planning on making a Flair biopic? My sources have told me the script's already been written, but they plan on changing Flair's signature Figure Four finisher to a Power Bomb, because Hollywood big shots don't think the common audience would understand the nuances of the Figure Four. Idiots!

**ROH manager/semi-wrestler/lone non-vanilla ROH personality Larry Sweeney has recently declared on his blog that he has ben suffering from a bout with Mental Retardation, also known as bi-polar disorder. The lardos behind the scenes at ROH have decided to Future Endeavor Sweeney, I'm assuming because Batman comic books and Hentai Animes have never dealt with Bi-Polar disorder before, so this is a foreign problem to them:

"In my judgement, the company treated me like a drug addict, not like a person with a medical condition. You see, if somebody shows up drunk or stoned to work and gets caught, then you can suspend or fire them... but in the eyes of the law, in such a crazy world where, because of our modern lifestyles, so many battle with their own types of crazy, well... if any person has a bout with craziness and is seeking care, they by law cannot be treated the same way that you would treat an addict. At least this is what my lawyers have told me.
Cary Silken suspended me from pittsburgh and new york with less than 48 hours notice and did not pay me. Before that, the company shorted me on money for the first tv tapings... then I came to houston and, despite my sobriety and clarity, and willingness to fly myself down on my own dime, I was told that I was not welcome."

This is pretty unfortunate, since Sweeney was pretty good at not being boring and making you forget you were watching Strongly Homoerotic wrestling programming. I PERSONALLY wish him all the best with his Future Endeavors, and ROH can GO SCREW for thinking a mental illness is the same thing as an awesome drug addicition. Fucking closet cases.

**Finally, the most wrestlingest ROH dude ever, Bryan Danielson may be leaving the company soon:

"According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, Ring of Honor's Bryan Danielson is looking to pursue a career in Mixed Martial Arts when his ROH contract expires in May. The American Dragon has been training five hours a day at the Xtreme Couture in Las Vegas, and plans to continue his training in Thailand this summer."

Nerds on the internet are speculating a lot of nonsense about this whole mess. The most hilarious would be that Danielson is freeing himself up to get a WWE contract, as if WWE is scouring the globe looking for 5' 5" dudes who know a lot of wrestling holds and how to do european uppercuts properly. I don't think anyone believes he is actually entering MMA or anything. There has been no followup on whether or not Danielson knows that MMA isn't a fixed sport.

That's all for now!

6-3-94: What it Means to Me

2009-04-10T19:54:00.000-04:00

If you don't know what the date 6/3/94 represents to wrestling fans, you should probably flee now. This is the wrong blog for you. You're better off thinking it is simply the day they debuted the bikini in Paris, or the day Kennedy met with Krushchev Khrushchev in Vienna.

If the date is one that is special in your heart, if it leads you to host a gathering you call "King of Steaks VII" you are probably irredeemable. This blog is for you. 6-3-94 is for you.

6-3-94 is more than simply the greatest wrestling match of all time. It symbolizes a way of thinking about wrestling. This is no mere sports entertainment! These men are athletes! Skilled performers! Extraordinary story tellers! And damn tough too! It is the pinnacle of wrestling as an art form, unencumbered by the silly theatrics and horrible hillbillies that populated the pseudo sport in years past.

Not only did two men, Toshiaki Kawada and Mitsuharu Misawa, prove wrestling was legitimate art; they also paved the way for a new breed of pundit- the wrestling scholar. Professional wrestling was no longer the refuge of toothless rednecks, blacks, retards, and children. It had to be analyzed and only the smartest of the smart could decipher the complex stories being told by the brain dead Terry Gordy and the drug addled Steve Williams. And like that, the smark was born.

Later, we would learn the human cost of these great achievements in theatre. Chris Benoit would be tragically killed, perhaps at his own hand, perhaps by those jealous of his workrate? The world would never be sure, but either way, the cost was too high. The men who created the great match were themsleves victims of their own excess. Misawa is concussed to the point his brain will not allow his face to make a single expression. What was once thought off as an admirable stoicism is now recognized as brain damage. His opponent, Toshiaki Kawada, is reduced to performing in the kind of circus he once loathed-sports entertainment. Could there be a higher cost for a once proud man?

Worse, many of the hardcore fans have moved on to Mixed Martial Arts a brand of fighting that allows you to watch roided up numbskulls beat on each other harder than the pro wrestlers ever did. Others have recognized wrestling's true genius is in the over the top theatrics of Ric Flair dropping an elbow on his own suit jacket or Scott Hall drunkenly slurring to the world "Hey Giant, that's your cue." Only a select few continue to watch with a keen eye, doling out star ratings and insisting that they do it better in Japan, or Memphis, or in the pissed soaked streets of Tijuana.

This blog is for you.

This blog is about you.

Faggot.

2009-04-10T17:50:00.000-04:00

Wrestling Observer letters never fail to make me cringe but this shit is straight up disgusting. Wrestling fans are constantly trying to find comparisons between the real world and this gay fake shit. Checking any wrestling board you will see movie discussions with wrestling terminology thrown in. Hey faggots movie villains are not heels. Anyway off we go into the suck:

Dave, As you know, today has been a trying time for the Angels family, with the sudden and shocking death of one of our young pitchers, Nick Adenhart in a car accident.

R.I.P.

Earlier today, the decision to postpone tonight's game was decided by MLB, the Angels and A's. I firmly believe it was the right decision. In fact, I cannot argue it the other way.

No shit bro.

It made me think back to the Owen Hart incident

LOLOLOL WHAT! Owen Hart was killed doing a stunt before his fake fight, Adenhart was killed by a drunk driver far away from the arena. The only similarity I can see is they both got 'hart' in their names.

Vince's decision to continue with the show, because "that's the way Owen would have wanted it." While I may have bought into that years ago, knowing how I feel today, I cannot express how wrong that decision, albeit in hindsight, really was.

Wait, so you bought into Vince's excuse years ago but are just starting to see that he had other motives that day? Really? You didn't see how fucked up it was until a pitcher died in a freak accident a decade later?

There is NO WAY we could have played a baseball game after what happened this morning. I cannot fathom the thought of cheering on a day like this. Yet, years ago at Kemper Arena, McMahon chose to go on with the show despite a tragedy occuring, not earlier in the day, but right in front of their very fans.

LOLOLOL busted out the caps this guy is SERIOUS NOW!

It is an old topic, and I don't mean to re-hash the past, but I've done a lot of thinking today and this is something that made me think. Life should be more respected than anything else in this world.

It took the death of Owen Hart and Nick Adenhart for this fan to understand the value of life.

Keep up the great work.

Name withheld by request

Shook One PT III.

2009-04-10T15:36:00.000-04:00

Dana White: Has Gay Friends, Longs to be Featured in Out Magazine

(click fucking image for super gay, super size fucking view, you faggot)

Hello

2009-04-08T13:43:00.001-04:00